tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-62591996044636893072024-03-12T22:47:14.728-06:00Dialing Random FrequenciesKatyenkahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15201934767175058180noreply@blogger.comBlogger237125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6259199604463689307.post-47665796888530507922023-02-21T01:37:00.001-07:002023-02-21T01:37:05.134-07:00CurveballI've been excitedly awaiting my gastric sleeve surgery and this weekend was a three day weekend. I was planning to get so much done. Boy was I wrong.<div><br /></div><div>Saturday I noticed that my left eyebrow wasn't moving as much as it should be but I thought it was leftover from my ear surgery. I've had numbness in my tongue and some weird pains since the mastoidectomy. I wasn't too concerned about it, but then, at lunch on Sunday I noticed that my mouth was not working on the left side. I was trying to suck something off of my finger and the left side of my mouth wouldn't close all the way.</div><div><br /></div><div>It was at this point that I became concerned. So, mom drive me to the ER and they concluded that I have Bell's Palsy. It should eventually go away, but at the moment it is difficult to eat and drink, and I look pretty funny when I try to smile. But, I don't mind as long as I don't have to delay surgery.</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEix4xfMmYpMxZK5saJWp5tTIRNWZggDv1mXmzvZzHpyChuLqOmRBzxNf1AVmMMDB9Pa_olDKg-MhgzOdakIod3U8oI-V0ak-H66cAPk_ML7LAx3DKi3uOZK77gZlege_1pfrseS3h4s65wKH5Y7LkAuo_ErcfdtiYpRYFXIiZRmNoOdLiPpexWSmEf6hg/s3088/69854455493__9594364D-1C26-4D85-A59C-FC4598FDD160.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3088" data-original-width="2316" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEix4xfMmYpMxZK5saJWp5tTIRNWZggDv1mXmzvZzHpyChuLqOmRBzxNf1AVmMMDB9Pa_olDKg-MhgzOdakIod3U8oI-V0ak-H66cAPk_ML7LAx3DKi3uOZK77gZlege_1pfrseS3h4s65wKH5Y7LkAuo_ErcfdtiYpRYFXIiZRmNoOdLiPpexWSmEf6hg/s320/69854455493__9594364D-1C26-4D85-A59C-FC4598FDD160.jpg" width="240" /></a></div><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div>Katyenkahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15201934767175058180noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6259199604463689307.post-61687266591015119462023-02-05T12:41:00.002-07:002023-02-05T12:41:53.289-07:00Surgemication: Ear Edition<p>I have had chronic, and I mean chronic ear infections my entire life. I had them so frequently as a child that they had to start looking up new antibiotics to give me. In 2003 I got another set of ear tubes, and for the most part that has kept me down to one or two ear infections a year.</p><p>Until last year.</p><p>I had six, count them, SIX ear infections in the ear that still has a tube in it, in only 5 months. After talking ear stuff with a coworker, she recommended I see an Otoneurologist whom she had seen. So I scheduled an appointment and after a CT scan, we discovered that some of the air cells in my mastoid bone were full of gunk.</p><p>The doctor said that would probably account for the increase in infections and told me we could do nothing, or we could do a mastoidectomy. I decided to go ahead with the mastoidectomy because why not if it could help.</p><p>Last Thursday I went in and had it done. They made an incision behind my ear and drilled into my mastoid bone to remove the yucky stuff. (For more on the procedure click <a href="https://medlineplus.gov/ency/article/003016.htm#:~:text=A%20mastoidectomy%20is%20surgery%20to,are%20called%20mastoid%20air%20cells." target="_blank">here</a>.)</p><p>The worse part about the surgery was getting the damn IV in. It took them longer to get it in than it did for the surgery. Only took 12 tries.</p><p>There was not much pain afterwards, just kind of like an earache. But the top of my ear is numb, yet itches. So annoying. And also, I can't blow my nose for three weeks. You never know how awful that is until you can't do it.</p><p>I came out of the surgery looking like Van Gogh, or maybe a pirate. There has been a lot of drainage but everything looks happy and healthy.</p><p><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgoNyPnsLBrvwFMxm-YFRMJUWmiqjEAM2naUf9kCehEL8GMrZoqgSVcDbgFaKrsHLRhxBs1GE35yvkNRJWLEXLanpw71qWgLfOB_BO0sBpOqOsx_NF45XFUVn_v5nQdfKY-RYk3yLRzVjKa3Mj2idDPytAGVime1nQpxyQAq9hzYGtKXQD0nnAmUwSPww/s1628/IMG_1011.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1628" data-original-width="1222" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgoNyPnsLBrvwFMxm-YFRMJUWmiqjEAM2naUf9kCehEL8GMrZoqgSVcDbgFaKrsHLRhxBs1GE35yvkNRJWLEXLanpw71qWgLfOB_BO0sBpOqOsx_NF45XFUVn_v5nQdfKY-RYk3yLRzVjKa3Mj2idDPytAGVime1nQpxyQAq9hzYGtKXQD0nnAmUwSPww/s320/IMG_1011.JPG" width="240" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAwEVouo8q1Lk_mohLRZf7SwtEru-mQSkpRTdzUjS8h2Xpz9EWshHSYv7suGCDTLQLWOINq6MkEAVnw6ucloGNTjmrzd4wOUxuoqf3lf44Eix9Fd_q6gtwUcUgkcHXDmLGN-QmnBC12RnLAHtopmw-PbdJBBX5AMFFNhDhKrWWwyV09DeQXHk5LpuHgA/s3088/IMG_1004.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3088" data-original-width="2316" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAwEVouo8q1Lk_mohLRZf7SwtEru-mQSkpRTdzUjS8h2Xpz9EWshHSYv7suGCDTLQLWOINq6MkEAVnw6ucloGNTjmrzd4wOUxuoqf3lf44Eix9Fd_q6gtwUcUgkcHXDmLGN-QmnBC12RnLAHtopmw-PbdJBBX5AMFFNhDhKrWWwyV09DeQXHk5LpuHgA/s320/IMG_1004.jpg" width="240" /></a></div><br /><p style="text-align: center;"><br /></p><p style="text-align: center;"><br /></p>Katyenkahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15201934767175058180noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6259199604463689307.post-17164502388991819102023-01-29T22:40:00.001-07:002023-01-29T22:40:08.160-07:00Post Traumatic Church Syndrome<p>I just finished listening to a book called <i><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Post-Traumatic-Church-Syndrome-Desperate-Religions-ebook/dp/B00VBW3P44/ref=sr_1_2?crid=24QIYBV0EJAKP&keywords=post+traumatic+church+syndrome+book&qid=1675057082&sprefix=post+trau%2Caps%2C327&sr=8-2" target="_blank">Post Traumatic Church Syndrome</a></i> by Reba Riley. It was one of those books where you think, hmm, that sounds like me. I didn't really know what to expect, except for stories of how being raised in a church going household had caused trauma, or resulted in a lack of faith. It was something that I could relate to.</p><p>Reba had grown up in a family that were strong believers and she was the kind of kid who wore Christian t-shirts, prayed every night, a materialized in her mind. She was going to experience 30 religions before her 30th birthday.</p><p>Many thought she was crazy, her mom didn't understand, and she didn't always know what she was doing either. But it was a beautiful story of how she found herself and came to terms with the hurt she had suffered because of religion, giving her the ability to move forward.</p><p>I found Reba very easy to relate to. She has a chronic illness, church was life growing up, and she had to step away and find her own answers. I felt that if we sat down and chatted, we would have a lot of common ground. I enjoyed listening to her adventures and mishaps as she visited Mormon churches, synagogues, temples, met with monks, rabbis, atheists, mystics, Native Americans, and so on. Reba has kind of a twisted sense of humor that I could really relate to.</p><p>She took a deep dive into her beliefs, exploring how her past experiences had influenced her and how she had been consumed by anger. I was amazed and a bit jealous how things seemed to fall in place to bring her to a place of healing.</p><p>I have been curios about other religions for a long time, but have not had the energy to really learn about them, so my curiosity was piqued. I found myself also wanting to experience different religions and get to the heart of them, feeling certain that followers of all (well, ok at least the majority) are after the same thing.</p><p>But something else happened. And it scared me.</p><p>I found myself wanting to seek out God and seek out the way that I can connect to him. But as soon as I realized this, I quickly clamped the stone around my heart back down. Yes, at the moment I want to be angry at God. Though I'm no longer convinced that I am angry at God. I think I am angry at Christianity.</p><p>My mother found Jesus when I was young and we started to go to church with her. Our first church was a Methodist. There were some really lovely people, but there were quite a few old, set in their ways, judgmental people who were confined to a microscopic world view. As a teen we went to another church, the Wesleyan Church, and things were going well. I was part of a close knit youth group and kind of felt like I belonged somewhere.</p><p>But then, on youth Sunday as we were waiting for the service to start, we got word that our pastor had been arrested for prostitution and we were all shattered. We sat there in disbelief and sobbed. Soon after we got a new pastor, but we just couldn't really recover from that and the small church didn't last.</p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8QEBjumVuPWu0oYicTp9Fc6KROVKN6YJFm7mvcWaL1kjzmE8p1fks2LlVekYSNGmZKxxMhujoKuKfzXAzMwy9m1kHFwt66bvEHuwa5k9SSNxGhxAMVadV4ZWxtZZxICoPMYfRGBhb1REZTy-f8qwRmmv3t3dB2lAx1KNkRhWRaG-6tpqB47HoIHaSEw/s698/Keff%20McKelvey.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="698" data-original-width="537" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8QEBjumVuPWu0oYicTp9Fc6KROVKN6YJFm7mvcWaL1kjzmE8p1fks2LlVekYSNGmZKxxMhujoKuKfzXAzMwy9m1kHFwt66bvEHuwa5k9SSNxGhxAMVadV4ZWxtZZxICoPMYfRGBhb1REZTy-f8qwRmmv3t3dB2lAx1KNkRhWRaG-6tpqB47HoIHaSEw/s320/Keff%20McKelvey.jpg" width="246" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><h1 class="gb-volume-title" dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11.869px; margin: 0px; text-align: start;">Weekly World News <span dir="ltr" style="font-size: 9.4952px; font-weight: normal;">Jul 13, 1993, pg 37</span></h1></td></tr></tbody></table><br />Somehow we ended up at an Evangelical Free church where we stayed until I was out of college. Church was my whole world. I was part of the worship team, I was involved on the missions committee, I was part of youth group, even helping after I was out of school. I did mission trips, I prayed, I read the Bible, I stayed out of trouble, but I was empty.<div><br /></div><div>I hate several experiences what were hurtful. I was not allowed to go on the second mission trip to Ukraine because I was overweight and the lady who was in charge didn't like it. I was called in to talk to the elders about the trip having no clue what was about to happen. I was ganged up and told that, basically, I was deficient and I couldn't go unless I lost weight and met the trip leader's standards.</div><div><br /></div><div>These were men that I had known for years, who I admired and looked up to and they joined the rest of the world in berating me and telling me I wasn't good enough. I was crushed. There were many other things that happened, and by my early twenties I was in a terrible place. I was severely depressed and had lost my family. I couldn't trust anyone. And God, God let it all happen. I begged and pleaded and tried to believe more than I did, but I was just empty.</div><div> </div><div>I am the kind of person who needs to feel things, and no matter what I did, I couldn't feel God. He was like the sun, a far off entity with whom I could not interact. I started to question things, to question authority. I wondered why I should just take for fact the words of a man who had hurt me, and who I saw use subtext and hidden messages in his sermon when he was unhappy with someone? Or any other person in the clergy for that matter.</div><div><br /></div><div>I decided that I needed to learn things for myself and decided what felt right to me.</div><div><br /></div><div>We started going to church less partly because of work, and these people who had been my family barely interacted with me any longer. We showed up at church one day to find that our mailbox had been removed and no one had even reached out to us. Our own cousin said it was difficult to know if we were just working or had quit coming.</div><div><br /></div><div>I stopped going to church. I was sick of judgmental and false people. People who acted like they were better than me, people who instead of just throwing a Christmas card from a family member with whom they didn't get along away, returned it and ruined any chance of others trying to be a witness to them. I wanted nothing more to do with organized religion. I knew what I believed--Jesus said love one another--and I was not seeing the love.</div><div><br /></div><div>I have not been to church for years. A few years ago I went with a group of former coworkers to see the daughter of one friend sing, and as soon as I walked in, I had a panic attack.</div><div><p>I had a great conversation with a friend yesterday and we talked about the book and some of our histories and she told me about her current practices. She gave me a set of oracle cards and I was amazed today when I drew three cards. </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFxy2AAsyokma62hrBvREVrfmC6YYtTyGwJEIcpYwcAkPANq2TFNmGOt8fW-0ZDHulMWqYLnZiXSZC3PPiM1An8daUCK9yG_MuHY_JErXbcU_Fm0uxPnmyZnUtnE-Yir9g31qWzuXrZn7PF6E9VCy89iZkSjTe_6cBqZnxcu62CUbI9dAjkt_gIqsvUQ/s3538/IMG_0973.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1688" data-original-width="3538" height="153" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFxy2AAsyokma62hrBvREVrfmC6YYtTyGwJEIcpYwcAkPANq2TFNmGOt8fW-0ZDHulMWqYLnZiXSZC3PPiM1An8daUCK9yG_MuHY_JErXbcU_Fm0uxPnmyZnUtnE-Yir9g31qWzuXrZn7PF6E9VCy89iZkSjTe_6cBqZnxcu62CUbI9dAjkt_gIqsvUQ/s320/IMG_0973.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Past: Octavia Butler (imagining, planning, worrying about the future)</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Present: Charlotte Perkins Gilman (oppression, what frees you, the systems at work)</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Future: Peacock (splendor, the divine, craving)</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div>I know some people will become alarmed when I talk about oracle cards. Oracle cards and tarot cards do not summon demons and they are not witchcraft. I look at it as a way to connect to the "Godiverse" as Reba Riley calls it. And also, may I have spirit guides? But today, looking at these cards, it fit. I spent my past imaging what my like could be "if", if I was thinner, if I was prettier, etc. I was constantly making plans to get there, but I could never make it happen and I ended up crying and worrying about the future and "knowing" that I would be alone and miserable.</div><div><br /></div><div>Right now, I feel oppressed by work, by my environment, by some relationships and by my own body. I have been looking inwards to figure out what will free me and am focusing on improving my health, both mental and physical. I am breaking free from the old systems that have held me captive.</div><div><br /></div><div>In the future, I can feel that I will have my own journey of discovery and find my truth, my way back to God. I see the splendor of a life fully lived, a soul and body that are flourishing.</div><div><br /></div><div>Call it mumbo jumbo if you will. I don't ask you to take my truth as yours. You must find your own way to connect to God, Mother Earth, Allah, or whatever name you choose. We each walk a unique path, and no one religion is correct, rather they are different ways of connecting to one God.<br /><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p></div>Katyenkahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15201934767175058180noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6259199604463689307.post-9639441688698036672023-01-01T21:12:00.002-07:002023-01-01T21:12:53.428-07:00I'm sleeving you!!!!<p>If you have read many of my blog posts you know that I have struggles with my weight for my whole life. I have tried everything, but I can't lose weight and keep it off. My body seems determined to gain weight. This is demonstrated perfectly by my experience with keto a couple years ago. I lost 100 pounds kept it off for a year and then unexplainably started gaining weight, even though I had changed nothing.</p><p>Since that, my health has stated to decline and I recently had to start taking insulin, even though I was eating a low carb diet, and I still can't get my blood sugar numbers down.</p><p>After a lot of soul searching and research (I'm a librarian, it's what I do...) I have decided to get a vertical gastric sleeve. I know a lot of people think that surgery is the easy way out, but I don't know what part of having 80% of a major organ ripped out and not being able to eat or drink more than a few ounces at a time is easy? đ If I had to have most of my liver removed people wouldn't say "that's the easy way out!"</p><p>But, I don't care what anyone else thinks. I know what I need for my body, and after struggling for 40 years (yes, I was overweight at age 2) I think I deserve to not struggle anymore and to be able to enjoy my life.</p><p>My new insurance kicked in today, so this week I should be able to find out the requirements and hopefully schedule surgery! I'm so excited and nervous.</p><p>I decided to start a second blog to detail my journey so if you want to follow me, go <a href="https://imsosleevingyou.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">here</a>.</p><p>Here's to a fabulous 2023, the true year of me!</p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>Katyenkahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15201934767175058180noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6259199604463689307.post-36625765912777293422022-12-31T23:26:00.000-07:002022-12-31T23:26:30.387-07:00Another Year Come and Gone<p> WellâŠthat year went fast.</p><p>I feel the urge to be down on myself for all the things I havenât done this past year, but letâs face, the world is still a dumpster fire.</p><p>I have had a lot of shit going on this year. I went to Germany and met a bunch of my gaming friends, I got arthritis in my knee, Iâve lived in a perpetual brain fog. I have had some great moments of friendship, and I have felt utterly and extremely isolated. But, Iâm truly going to make 2023 my year.</p><p>I had a shower thought this morning. I have spent my entire life feeling like I must justify myself, justify my existence. But you know what? I donât have to justify myself to anyone, not even to myself.</p><p>Next year I have plans that will improve my health and mental health, and hopefully everything else will follow. So, hereâs to you, 2023!!</p><p>Also, enjoy some pictures from Germany.</p><p><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzrxK5DaEPA4CDodVI0d9mmVxxdnkjr2pTnR748hrls3JPfksHcfnTVhvc4cJBUPysjhzDdMWocwTq5UxlpRW5M4HLdQzZf74XHwukK1d66jQrBD1OxyOnHgLX2aJTg_Xk11EiMSKEV-EDf83lH6fL3oJBe_PMFD7q9rMl8sl98ZL2KnPgkZ-DiVlXgQ/s2049/2C1D8C47-34F6-43F0-97A9-008BDBD82AD4.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1536" data-original-width="2049" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzrxK5DaEPA4CDodVI0d9mmVxxdnkjr2pTnR748hrls3JPfksHcfnTVhvc4cJBUPysjhzDdMWocwTq5UxlpRW5M4HLdQzZf74XHwukK1d66jQrBD1OxyOnHgLX2aJTg_Xk11EiMSKEV-EDf83lH6fL3oJBe_PMFD7q9rMl8sl98ZL2KnPgkZ-DiVlXgQ/s320/2C1D8C47-34F6-43F0-97A9-008BDBD82AD4.jpeg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDblUptf69OyTiiplWftYYoJh4FZ9XAFPusht4MRcYGyL2CEs_979_neytB7qX0SmSoFCpPQxAEVP4VpoTxuB6pbEedpIppe57bT35WbUqXemBlP4QyNhjxI7lVfvPYDikiJ1DqxrEUPY7T2SosmwV0d6M4P93Lgijr2uuHaM7_9rzT0yYxOkMSp7J6A/s1440/4CE3682B-FAE5-4215-8EA4-F47E868EC14E.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="1440" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDblUptf69OyTiiplWftYYoJh4FZ9XAFPusht4MRcYGyL2CEs_979_neytB7qX0SmSoFCpPQxAEVP4VpoTxuB6pbEedpIppe57bT35WbUqXemBlP4QyNhjxI7lVfvPYDikiJ1DqxrEUPY7T2SosmwV0d6M4P93Lgijr2uuHaM7_9rzT0yYxOkMSp7J6A/s320/4CE3682B-FAE5-4215-8EA4-F47E868EC14E.jpeg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlf98SaD68bJSkLkAuPQzHuqc-pIH3CZqNt0BqdBgiuOkWQ9t5IMHC0ww3xMbpD8-k4ZsYKu4-s33uL2QsIMIIG06sVpP0-YsKxd3zNghktboyFkRg7zHQAjrCkEFxFr10DoO4E1qvKaQ4TlG424dPfZscnGZ4N7S5UWKLAM4gi4_aCrBbM_BlB78kdQ/s2049/5AEA37CA-66B0-4D94-BA21-64251E097BF0.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1536" data-original-width="2049" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlf98SaD68bJSkLkAuPQzHuqc-pIH3CZqNt0BqdBgiuOkWQ9t5IMHC0ww3xMbpD8-k4ZsYKu4-s33uL2QsIMIIG06sVpP0-YsKxd3zNghktboyFkRg7zHQAjrCkEFxFr10DoO4E1qvKaQ4TlG424dPfZscnGZ4N7S5UWKLAM4gi4_aCrBbM_BlB78kdQ/s320/5AEA37CA-66B0-4D94-BA21-64251E097BF0.jpeg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; 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text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXlMsSgEkwaaDUuD-58GsXurfAd9tCt_1YF-rNLYNteT6eokDLHb5aLwLFT1u3tNfCqMmkZD_UBVS_WDBDmNIz8k57WQsQmlH_GlN7mfMnYoc6PYhNrhohU3eAoq4U06QeiWC2aZdbXnnoqg0x30RjyZkCcOn4E-iy9DHLZU3G72QZmJBg12T2cKrCjw/s2049/CAD14AB0-27D3-42BA-BE03-5AD91F005E15.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2049" data-original-width="1536" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXlMsSgEkwaaDUuD-58GsXurfAd9tCt_1YF-rNLYNteT6eokDLHb5aLwLFT1u3tNfCqMmkZD_UBVS_WDBDmNIz8k57WQsQmlH_GlN7mfMnYoc6PYhNrhohU3eAoq4U06QeiWC2aZdbXnnoqg0x30RjyZkCcOn4E-iy9DHLZU3G72QZmJBg12T2cKrCjw/s320/CAD14AB0-27D3-42BA-BE03-5AD91F005E15.jpeg" width="240" /></a></div><br /><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>Katyenkahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15201934767175058180noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6259199604463689307.post-13231198107823079922022-01-02T21:48:00.003-07:002022-01-02T21:48:55.532-07:00Twenty Twenty-Two or Twenty Twenty, too?<p>I've talked to quite a few people who said that they are NOT doing resolutions this year. I mean, what's the point? This year, as its two predecessors, will do what it pleases.</p><p>That does not, however, mean that I am not planning to make positive changes.</p><p>In fact, today I started back on my keto journey. The past few months have been really rough, like super extra rough, and I need something super easy that requires little thought and planning. So, for at least a month, I am kicking it up a notch and doing ketovore.</p><p>What is ketovore you ask? It is a less strict carnivore diet that includes some eggs and dairy, and perhaps low carb veggies or fruit on occasion.</p><p>I often wonder what ways people have found to cope with pandemic life. For me, I started playing a game on my phone. At first, I just wanted something to stave off the boredom. But then, I found a community. That community turned into a family and they have gotten me through a lot. I never understood before, when people talked about these friends they had in online games, but I do now. These people are very real friends, even if we've never met in person. (But I have met two of them irl!) I am hoping that someday I can meet many of them.</p><p>One great thing to end my year was my bestie coming through and being able to eat breakfast together. We hadn't seen one another in probably 3.5 years, so it was super awesome. Today, I started the year off with a treat to myself and got a facial. It felt very symbolic to slough off the old skin and bring out the fresh, glowing skin. I'm hoping this will be the theme of my year. Shedding the old, revealing the new.</p><p>Here's to a better year and not a repeat of 2020.</p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>Katyenkahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15201934767175058180noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6259199604463689307.post-89373569483294782592021-11-29T16:00:00.001-07:002021-11-29T16:00:09.364-07:00Still kicking<p> Well hell, the world is still effed up.</p><p>This time last year I was fresh out of the hospital and recovering from blood clots. I've had some continued health issues since then, but for the most part, I'm hanging in. I have been learning a lot about myself. On the one hand, the pandemic has caused me a lot of anxiety, but on the other, I have started dealing with the anxiety and treating it, and I have realized that it is something that I have been struggling with for a loooooooong time.</p><p>A lot of times it seems like it's on step forward and three steps back with my mental health, but hey I eventually get somewhere better.</p><p>Life in general continues to be interesting. We once again have a mask mandate as CoVID numbers rise. It has been a curious process going from working at home to working in person. We are at a point right now where everyone except most of the leadership is working directly with the public, but they are telling us to limit in person meetings, including holiday parties... but...but...</p><p>In May my dad came to visit, and we drove him back home. While there we saw my grandparents, my aunt and uncle, and a few cousins. It was the first time in 3 years that I had seen dad and the grands. A lot has changed in my hometown and I feel super foreign there. It was definitely a bittwersweet trip. My grands are in their 90s and so it is very possible that it was the last time I see them. Kinda put a damper on the time there.</p><p>On the up side of life, one of my local besties had a baby girl who is totes adorbs. This weekend I had two girls nights in a row--one filled with chocolate ganache ice cream and hockey, and another with Mexican food and bitching. Lol. Both were much needed. </p><p>I have been working hard now that I can halfway function to get my space decluttered. I have also started Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University and am trying very hard to pay off debt.</p><p>All in all I feel like I am headed in a good direction. I'm learning how to deal with things, and trying to make my life better.</p><p>Hope you had a wonderful thanksgiving. Pardon me while I go look at my Xmas tree and drink some cocoa.</p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>Katyenkahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15201934767175058180noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6259199604463689307.post-71364395858719677062020-11-07T00:16:00.001-07:002020-11-07T00:16:12.943-07:00Katie Ellen and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Year<p>Let's face it, 2020 has been a shit show.</p><p>I have been putting off writing a blog post for a really long time, because I didn't want to just be like "everything sucks" all the time. But, this year has been a real cluster. I finally decided that maybe if I wrote about it, it would help me focus a little less on the negativity, and maybe let others know that yeah, I'm right there with you.</p><p>My family started the year by calling an ambulance in the wee hours of the morning on January 2nd to take my mom to the hospital. She was so dizzy she couldn't sit up, and we discovered that she had a saddle embolism in her lungs that was pushing on her heart, and that her entire right leg is one giant blood clot. She had to go back to work before she was really ready, but because everything shut down in March, she was able to take it kinda easy, but still work. (Ironically, the one positive thing for her this year.)</p><p>She has been having continuing health issues. The leg clot is going to take a loooong time to go away, and she has since developed a build up of uric acid causing kidney stones, one that got to 20mm. To put a cherry on top, they also discovered that she has an ultra rare condition called a replaced right hepatic artery with aneurism. Like, this is so rare that nothing comes up when you Google it.</p><p>Work has been stressful, because COVID. Then, the derecho hit my home state and home town. My dad and grandparents were without power for a week, and my grandparents lost their deck, gazebo and most of their trees. The next day, my cousin unexpectedly died. Then a few days later I got word from my host sister that my former fiancĂ© in Belarus had died. This was a shock, but also not a shock. It did hit me pretty hard though.</p><p>My anxiety had been ramping up and for a month or more I had been feeling just drained. We upped my meds and that helped, but then I started having a hard time breathing.</p><p>I was having some occasional wheezing and was using an inhaler regularly, which I hadn't done for 20 or more years, but the wild fires were really bad this year and the air quality was awful. A few times when I was walking I got really winded, but thought it was a combination of the smoke and my being so sedentary during the pandemic. Then one day, I was at a mall to get some chai with my boyfriend and I just couldn't catch my breath, just walking.</p><p>At this point, I realized that something was wrong, but I still thought it was asthma.</p><p>Mid October, the boyfriend and I went to one of our favorite restaurants and ended up having to sit outside in the cold and smoky air. That afternoon I was super winded every time I got up. It continued to get worse over the next couple days. The next day, Monday, I went to the doctor for some routine blood work and my oxygen was at 88. They had me take some deep breaths and we got it up to 93. By Wednesday I was really struggling. I spent most of my time just sitting in my chair trying to chill out.</p><p>By Wednesday I knew something was really wrong and I needed help. I called the doctor and they got me a nebulizer to try. I did a treatment and thought it might have helped. My mom, brother, boyfriend and I were supposed to go the botanic garden for a halloween event that night and I wasn't really up to it, but I also really wanted to go. We decided to give it a go and leave if I needed to.</p><p>We got there, got inside and it became very clear that I was not going to make it. Fortunately, they allowed me to borrow a wheelchair, so we proceeded to enjoy our evening. That night, going upstairs it took me probably 20 minutes to halfway catch my breath. By this time I was scared. I started crying and my super boyfriend just laid there rubbing my back and soothing me.</p><p>I called in sick Thursday, tried one more nebulizer treatment, then called the doctor in the early afternoon. The nurse was worried about me because even just talking made me winded. Mom drove me to urgent care, and by the time I got in there I was gasping for air. My oxygen was at 82 and they were extremely concerned. They took me to. room, put me on oxygen, listened to my lungs, which were perfectly clear, and said "we are calling an ambulance."</p><p>The ambulance came and took me the two block to the hospital. They got me checked in, got me on oxygen and we proceeded to sit in the waiting room for about 4 hours.</p><p>Finally, they got me in a room and started checking bloodwork. They took a chest X-ray--again, clear--and later, when they did a CT Scan they discovered blood clots in my lungs. They were concerned about my heart because the right side was working really hard and they wanted to make sure there wasn't damage. It turned out it was just because blood flow was blocked by the clots.</p><p>I was admitted, taken to a room at midnight, and started on blood thinners. They wouldn't let me eat or drink because of the possibility of some tests that they might have to run, so I didn't get to eat until lunch the next day. (Try getting blood out of someone who doesn't have good veins when they are dehydrated...)</p><p>The next day they moved me to a progressive care unit where they could monitor me a little more closely. All the doctors kept asking about my legs and were amazed I hadn't had any swelling or any signs of clots.</p><p>I'm still confounded...what are the odds of BOTH mom and I getting blood clots in the same year with no previous history, or family history???</p><p>I started feeling better pretty quickly and was allowed to wander around my room as a liked. They did an ultrasound and found a clot behind my right knee as well.</p><p>My coworkers sent me flowers and an adorable stuffed sloth, who got a lot of attention from the nurses. I truly felt cherished by friends, family and coworkers.</p><p>When I was discharged they said, back to life as normal as you feel up to it. I have felt twenty times better than I have for months. I have energy and the desire to do things again. I do have to go in for blood checks to make sure the blood thinner is at on okay level, but hey, I'm breathing and feeling good!</p><p>I did have to cancel my trip to the cabin (one that I rented a year ago) but, I guess I'll take being healthy over a cabin.</p><p>I'm really hoping that the rest of the year is not a bigger dumpster fire than it has already been.</p><p>If you are reading this and you are having a rough time, hang in there. Eventually, everything will be alright. Also, don't be afraid to reach out if you need help or feel like you're drowning.</p><p>As Red, from the show Red Green always says, "Remember, I'm pulling for ya. We're all in this together."</p><p><br /></p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-BWt8DWitNEY/X6ZJcIZn_tI/AAAAAAAAHqc/aO-_kcxiEQ0ZlTTr0IvN2T1iQfeFY6J9gCLcBGAsYHQ/s640/image1.JPEG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="480" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-BWt8DWitNEY/X6ZJcIZn_tI/AAAAAAAAHqc/aO-_kcxiEQ0ZlTTr0IvN2T1iQfeFY6J9gCLcBGAsYHQ/s320/image1.JPEG" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Shlomo the Sloth keeping my company.<br /></td></tr></tbody></table><br /><p><br /></p>Katyenkahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15201934767175058180noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6259199604463689307.post-9078286255378389162020-04-23T01:45:00.001-06:002020-04-23T01:45:18.198-06:00The Coronapacolypse Continues...<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I've been home for 40 days now. Technically 42 days because I was off the two days before work closed.<br />
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This has been such a strange time.<br />
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At first, I was one of those people that didn't understand what the fuss was about--surely if people were cautious and washed their hands everything would be ok, right? Then I started actually reading up on it and realized that it was more serious than I first thought.<br />
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For a week or so, I was being extra vigilant to wash my hands, clean my desk and electronics, and kind of avoid people as much as possible. Then I was off for two days because of a crown, and we got the word that work was closing. Friday we got an email at like 2:30 that one of our branches was closing at 3:30 and the others would be closed as of Saturday.<br />
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At first, it was very confusing and no one really knew what was going on. We hadn't been home that many days before the county had issued a stay at home order, then the state. Basically, everything except essential businesses closed down. Restaurants are open for carry-out or delivery only, stores have marking on the floor 6 ft apart for people to stand on. Some stores like Walmart started limiting the number of people who could be inside the building at one time.<br />
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Many food joints have had free delivery in order to get people to spend money and support them. We have done our fair share of ordering in food. I have personally tried to support local businesses as much as I can. And with my stimulus money, I am trying hard to support local/US businesses.<br />
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Gas prices are down. Here it is around $1.49 a gallon, but in Iowa I've heard it is as low as $0.99. I read an article that oil is at an all time low of $0.001 a barrel. It is still somewhat hard to find some food items and cleaning/sanitizing supplies, but it is getting better. Many people are wearing and making homemade masks. I've signed up to help make back straps for face shields through Make4Covid. Some of my coworkers have been 3D printing parts for the shields. I'm happy to be able to do something. It makes me feel worthwhile.<br />
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Work consists of Zoom meetings, email, and running a chat service, mostly.<br />
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When this all started, I was excited and I thought to myself that I was going to be sooo productive. I was going to clean and organize my room and everything was going to be great. It wasn't too far in that the emotional rollercoaster started. I've read some articles that talk about how it's grief that people are feeling, and it is very true. I've also read about how traumatic this has been for people, and I agree with that, too. My anxiety has come in waves, I've had times of serious brain fog where I just couldn't function very well, I've had a few days where I was angry, of course I have worried a lot, and I really have grieved for life pre-CoVid.<br />
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After getting angry at myself for basically doing nothing, I made a list of small productive things to do as well as a list of fun things to do. So far I've been making small progress, but progress nonetheless. One thing I have learned over the years, is to start small. I get overwhelmed when I look at the whole picture, but when I complete one small task at a time, not only do I not get overwhelmed, but it feels like I have accomplished a lot!!<br />
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For fun I've been sewing, knitting, doing puzzles, drawing, cross stitch, coloring, and I even tried D&D for the first time. I've been doing a lot of free virtual tours, watched some concerts, listened to audiobooks, read graphic novels, watched musicals, etc.<br />
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As much as I have been disheartened by people being stupid or rude, I have also been uplifted by wonderful acts of kindness. <br />
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Here are some things to bring a smile to your self-isolation.<br />
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John Krasinski's Some Good News</div>
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<a href="https://thespaces.com/12-frank-lloyd-wright-buildings-are-now-hosting-virtual-tours/?fbclid=IwAR30phabfihNERIZv5yhqZFF-5hKVVZz4Yo2W3Qa8ayW5FKvQ8BZ2Ntb5zs" target="_blank">Frank Lloyd Wright Virtual Tours</a></div>
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<a href="http://www.levarburtonpodcast.com/" target="_blank">http://www.levarburtonpodcast.com</a></div>
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<a href="https://www.julieslibraryshow.org/" target="_blank">https://www.julieslibraryshow.org</a></div>
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<a href="https://theoatmeal.com/" target="_blank">https://theoatmeal.com</a></div>
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<a href="https://www.mentalfloss.com/article/75809/12-world-class-museums-you-can-visit-online" target="_blank">12 World Class Museums Virtual Tours</a></div>
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<a href="https://lemur.duke.edu/zoom/?fbclid=IwAR0x3Wer87Q3HKOREdO5JheMcMm7P0jAfjcYnCGgkvoEEnxGAFsg_3AHqYU" target="_blank">Lemur Zoom Backgrounds</a></div>
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Some things to try:</div>
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<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ONVQCK_-rKc" target="_blank">Learn to Knit</a></div>
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<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aAxGTnVNJiE" target="_blank">Learn to Crochet</a></div>
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<a href="http://www.ravelry.com/" target="_blank">www.ravelry.com</a></div>
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<a href="https://www.mybluprint.com/" target="_blank">https://www.mybluprint.com</a></div>
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<a href="https://www.creativebug.com/" target="_blank">https://www.creativebug.com</a></div>
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Also, be sure to check out what digital resources your library has!</div>
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Katyenkahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15201934767175058180noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6259199604463689307.post-58605366434101117072020-03-27T12:23:00.001-06:002020-03-27T12:23:07.346-06:00The Coronapocolypse<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Sorry y'all--this whole virus thing might be my fault. After mom's whole emergency medical fiasco I thought to myself, well, things can only go up from here... Oops.<br />
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What a surreal time we are living in. I know this is not the first pandemic, but this pandemic is unique. I'm pretty sure that this is the first pandemic during the digital age, with a constant barrage of news and social media posts. On the one hand it's great because we new it was coming, many people can work from home, we can still socialize through Skype or Facetime, etc., and we have updates within minutes.<br />
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On the other hand, it can be too much information, incorrect information, and panic can spread like wildfires.<br />
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There have been so many things that have made me cringe and filled me with disgust. People have panicked and bought out all the toilet paper, there are food shortages because people are hoarding food, and then there have been people trying to sell hand sanitizer and toilet paper for 10 times the normal price. It absolutely infuriates me that people can be such huge douche canoes and I hope that karma will get them. But then there have been such wonderful things happening--perfume companies switching to making hand sanitizer to fill the gap, companies paying their employees even if they can't come to work, people 3D printing ventilator parts, people sewing masks for healthcare workers, people offering food and toilet paper to those in need...the list goes on.<br />
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Some people have not taken things seriously, which is infuriating, but many people have been taking things seriously.<br />
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So what is life like at the moment? Staying at home, reading emails, Zoom meetings for work, reading, knitting, cleaning, watching movies, playing games with my family, and once in awhile venturing out to a store. It is really nice that there is so little traffic, yet that is also disconcerting.<br />
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Another cool thing is that so many companies have been making digital resources free, especially for kids while they can't be in school. I've been trying to share everything on Facebook so that people with kids have ideas and resources.<br />
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Everyone stay safe. Wash your hands. Stay home.<br />
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Katyenkahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15201934767175058180noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6259199604463689307.post-81265904080687902352020-03-08T14:27:00.000-06:002020-03-08T14:27:14.186-06:002020<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Cheese whiz!<br />
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How is it already March 2020? Laugh it up all you young whippersnappers! All to soon you will realize that us old people know a thing or two and that we are not lying when we say that at forty you still feel like you've only been out of school a couple years and that the days go faster and faster.<br />
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Ha!<br />
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Well, it probably doesn't help that this year has been kinda bat shit crazy. We started the year off by calling the ambulance for my mom at 2:30 in the morning on January 2nd. It was very fortunate that she was feeling so sick, because they discovered two very large blood clots.<br />
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It was something that we all had to wrap our heads around--the fact that at any moment she could have been gone is really a hard thing to grasp. I guess mom felt that she needed to have a near death experience since dad had one several years ago. I told them that they could both knock it off now.<br />
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Otherwise, things are going pretty well.<br />
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Just before Thanksgiving I was fed up with dating and decided to go on and delete both my apps. I really hated Plenty of Fish and had so many bad experiences, so I had hidden my profile for several months. When I went on one day to figure out how to delete my profile, this guy messaged me and I thought a lot about whether or not to respond. I went back and forth. But, he looked kinda cute and he actually wrote me a message instead of just "hey" like most guys.<br />
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So, I decided to message him back the next day. We started messaging everyday and two weeks later we had our first date. We met at a coffee shop and had boba and when I looked at my watch we had been talking for two and a half hours.<br />
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We have talked to each other every day since, and had a date at least once a week. He is so sweet, a true gentleman, and even my mom loves him. I just never believed I could find someone like him. It's so amazing to feel loved and cherished, and to be looked at like I am a precious gem.<br />
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So, yeah, this year has been a little crazy, but it's been good too.<br />
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<a href="https://giphy.com/gifs/love-lord-wheres-GrB9uThYsoU3C">via GIPHY</a></div>
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Katyenkahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15201934767175058180noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6259199604463689307.post-45055874502861945892019-10-25T22:17:00.001-06:002019-10-26T07:39:32.291-06:00Taking Care Of Me!!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
The past few months have not been easy, but whatever. Iâm fighting my way through it because I am a badass! I have been doing a lot of things to try and take care of myself and to offset the stress of everyday life. I try to go for a massage once a month, and I go to the chiropractor every couple weeks. Iâve started meditating, Iâm usng CBD oil to help with anxiety and restless legs, and I am looking into accupuncture to help with some things. But sometimes, your body tells you that you need more!<br />
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It is super important to listen to what your body needs. I spent so many years abusing my body and then being mad at it. I still donât love it, but I am trying to treat it kindly. Since, starting my new job right after my last vacation in May 2018, I had only taken one or two days off and that was for things like moving or appointments. Not fun.<br />
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I realized that I needed a break, but I canât afford a vacation. So, what do I do? What I usually do and get on some travel site and torture myself with trips I canât take. . .<br />
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This time, instead of flights, I got on AirBnB and somehow found this adorable little cabin only an hour an half from home and right in the foothills on the edge of Pike National Forest. And it was cheaper than a hotel! So, I did it. I booked a long weekend when the weather would hopefully be crisp and the trees would be beautiful.<br />
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OHMIGOD! I have needed this so much. Between living with two family members (who I dearly love) and working with one of them, I just need some devoted down/quiet/me time.<br />
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I arrived in town and went straight to the <a href="https://www.rmdrc.com/" target="_blank">Rocky Mountain Dinosaur Resource Center</a> (you really need to go if you like dinosaurs!!) and then came to the cabin.<br />
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It.is.AMAZING.<br />
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It is so quiet here, and the air is so fresh. As soon as I got here I just felt everything melt away. Complete peace. I sat and ate dinner enjoying some soft jazz music and actually paying attention to how my food tasted, what it felt like in my mouth, etc. I listened to the Avs kick Las Vegas ass, and then, I quietly read a <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Exchange-Diary-Lesbian-Experience-Loneliness/dp/1626929998/ref=nodl_" target="_blank">manga</a>. (Itâs a fantastic series, btw.) And now I am sitting here in the silence, drinking my Tazo Zen tea, and writing a blogâsomething I have not been able to do fro quite some time.<br />
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At this momentâlife is very good.<br />
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Katyenkahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15201934767175058180noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6259199604463689307.post-3717896023326994552019-07-08T21:54:00.000-06:002019-07-08T21:54:15.776-06:00Am I In A Time Warp?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Geez! As you get older you figure out that the adults in your life actually knew what they were talking about when you thought you knew better than them as a teenager. Time really does go faster three older you get, and you really donât feel any older mentally.<br />
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For example, I feel like it hasnât been very long since my last post, but it has in fact been three months. Or the fact that I donât feel much older than a senior in high school or a college student, but in fact my twenty year high school class reunion is coming up in two weeks, and some of my classmates themselves have children graduating high school.<br />
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Obviously, time does not actually go faster as we age, so what is going on? Is it the fact that we have more responsibilities, more time commitments? Is it the weight of worry in our lives when as youths we were carefree? Or is it just what Dr. Who saidâtime is wibbly wobbly and it really does go faster as you age?<br />
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We may never know.<br />
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I get really frustrated with myself when I lose track of time. Like with my blog. If I donât do it regularly, then when I think about it I think, oh it hasnât been that long, I can do it tomorrow. Tomorrow comes and a month goes and I still have written nothing.<br />
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No big deal, itâs just a blog post, you say. Youâre right, except that it isnât just a blog post, the same thing happens with many things in my life, and before I know it, a whole year has gone by and I have done any the things that I wanted to, things that would provide me a creative outletâŠthings that help me enjoy life.<br />
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I guess that this is a good reminder to be intentional in life. It sounds so unromantic, but I need plan for the things that bring me joy. I donât mean that I need to plan my whole life, but I need to be intentional about doing the things, like writing, sewing, drawing, creating, that make me happy and give me an outlet to relieve the stresses of life.<br />
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The next problem will then be deciding on what those activities are, because I want to try so many things that I could very easily overwhelm myself by trying to do too many things.<br />
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Along with doing things that being me joy, I am also recommitting to my health. I lost 100 pounds and then depression came and pretty much wrecked me. Fortunately, I am doing very well right now, and feel that I have the mental and emotional capacity to lose the weight again.<br />
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All in all, life is good right now. I love my job, I have made new friends here, and I have put myself out in the dating world, as frustrating as that is. I am in a good place and ready to just keep making it better.<br />
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Katyenkahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15201934767175058180noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6259199604463689307.post-38527768166181823152019-04-14T13:39:00.000-06:002019-04-14T13:39:44.675-06:00Keep Swimming, Just Keep Swimming<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
It's April already! Geez, how can time go so fast?<br />
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The last several years I have been doing a lot of reflecting and trying to grow personally, and the last year and half a lot has happened. I ended my engagement of almost three years, I started dating for the first time, I met and lost someone who truly treated me how I should be treated, I got a new job that I love, and most recently, I got into and out of what turned out to be an abusive relationship...<br />
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The biggest struggle I had however, was with my health.<br />
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In 2017 I had lost 100 pounds and I had plateaued, but I was maintaining pretty well. Then, all of the sudden I just started gaining weight. I had just started my new job, I was gaining weight even though I was trying really hard not to, I was exhausted and angry and basically couldn't understand what was going on with me. After trying thyroid medicine, we came to the conclusion that it was in fact depression.<br />
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My mom was not crazy about the thought of me taking antidepressants, but I knew I needed to try it. And man, has it made all the difference. I am now in a good place mentally and able to function.<br />
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I decided to write about it, because I want to help to break the stigma that goes along with mental health.<br />
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There is nothing to be ashamed of if you suffer from mental illness. Mental illness is just as real as any other illness. And you don't have to explain to anyone else if you take medicine for it. You do what you need to do for your health.<br />
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And speaking of my health, unfortunately, I gained back all the weight I had lost, so I am starting over and determined to get it all back off. And I know I can, cuz I already did. I just have to keep swimming, even if the tide bounces me around a bit.<br />
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In happy news, my mom, brother, and I are all moving in together to save money. I'm super excited about being close to my brother! Not so excited about moving, ha ha ha.<br />
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Katyenkahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15201934767175058180noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6259199604463689307.post-12980639705637023672019-01-01T22:34:00.003-07:002019-01-01T22:34:36.265-07:00Looking Forward<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Oh man, I have not written a blog post for such a long time. Well, nothing like starting another new year by looking back, and then looking forward.<br />
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There was a lot of great stuff in 2018, and there was a lot of tough stuff. The year started out great--I was celebrating the 100 pound weight loss in 2017 and just feeling great in general. But, near the end of January I finally realized that my "relationship" was going nowhere and ended. I was more pissed about having wasted 2.5 years being "engaged" than brokenhearted. That's probably cuz deep down I knew it was over a long time ago. Feeling relieved and empowered, I started to do something that I had never done before...dating.<br />
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The day after I decided that it was over with Alex and I, I signed up on a dating app and within a few weeks I was dating. It was scary, but exciting. I was thrilled to know that there were guys out there who found me attractive. At the beginning of summer, I even found pretty much the perfect guy, and even though I tried really hard to keep it casual, I totally fell for him. He ended up moving away, but I'm grateful to him for showing me how I should be treated.<br />
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In April I took a wonderful trip to Belgium, Germany and the Netherlands and was able to spend time with old friends, and meet a newer friend for the first time. It was a wonderful time of fun, relaxation, and renewal. And the best part is, while I was gone, I got offered a new job!<br />
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It was about this time that things took a little turn for the worse. I started feeling tired, gaining weight even though I was trying hard not to, and as summer went on, the depression and anxiety just got worse and worse. I thought it might be my thyroid, but when we tried meds for that, it was too much. Finally, after talking to my counselor and doctor, we decided to try another medication. And it has been such a huge help.<br />
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So, my love life isn't great, the guy that I totally fell for left, and I have gained a lot of weight back, <i><b>but</b></i>, I love my job, I love my coworkers, I'm making new friends, and I started a side gig. I have my own bakery!<br />
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I don't really believe in resolutions, I don't want to set myself up for failure, but I do believe in having goals. So, 2019, what are we gonna do together?<br />
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My wishes for 2019:<br />
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<li>To continue becoming a stronger, more confident, and healthier me</li>
<li>To find ways to cultivate my creative energies and encourage creative growth</li>
<li>To grow professionally</li>
<li>To read more</li>
<li>To treat myself better and not let others treat me poorly</li>
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Here'e to a blank slate!</div>
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Katyenkahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15201934767175058180noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6259199604463689307.post-50318004167788070802018-07-18T22:36:00.001-06:002018-07-18T22:36:42.126-06:00Cycles<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I seem to have cycles for various things in my life. When I get my heart broken I bawl for a few days. Then I get really pissed off. Then I get depressed and convince myself that everyone hates me, that I don't matter, etc. Then comes the part where I start to accept what has happened. When there is a big event, I am cool as a cucumber at the time, but a week later (or a month, depending on how big of an event and how long it has kept me busy) I have a complete emotional breakdown.<br />
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I also go through cycles of being super duper hopeful, followed by times of trying to shut down my feelz factory completely.<br />
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It's not that I hate feeling, it's just that I feel things so strongly, so deeply that when something doesn't work out (which is usually) it tears a huge chunk out of my soul. I don't like how emotional I am. I have never liked how emotional I am. I mean, the mountain tops are great, but those valleys, oh man they are low.<br />
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It's taken me a long time to work out who I am, how my emotions work, etc. I don't have myself completely figured out, but I generally know how I'm going to react to things. You may or may not put any stock into personality types, but I think there are similarities amongst certain groups of people. I am extremely introverted, creative, and nurturing. My natural state is investing myself completely into those around me, because I see so much potential and I want everyone to (please pardon me, Army) be all that they can be.<br />
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My goal in life, my purpose, is to make things better. I want to leave people and things better than they were before. So, I do things to make people happy, to cheer them up, to help them. I want to leave the world a better place than it was. Unfortunately, this takes a great toll on me. And while it truly is a gift to feel things so deeply, to be so passionate, it is also a real curse.<br />
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I put 100% into every relationship, everything I do. This is awesome, and you may wonder why that is a problem apart from it making me tired. The downside is that most people do not do this. Most people put a lot of energy into a few things. Not me. I put my whole heart in, every time, even when I try not to. You can guess how this usually ends.<br />
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People don't tend to stay in my life for very long. Okay, that's not exactly true. Thanks to things like Facebook and Instagram, people stay in life in a very limited capacity, but if social media were not a thing, we would still be in touch. What I mean is, the trend seems to be that someone will come into my life, I will pour myself into them, and after a few months, maybe a year or two, they move on and I am left depleted and alone wonder why they don't like me.<br />
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It took me a long time to realize that people moving on or not investing the same (ridiculously high) level of energy into the relationship that I do does not mean that they don't like me or don't care. It's just that I care at such a super high level, there are very few people in the world that do the same. So the terrible catch-22 in which I find myself is that all I want is for someone, one person, to care about me as much as I care about them, but it is never going to happen.<br />
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Many times in my life I have had the thought that perhaps I am just here to give to others. Maybe I am like a battery charger for the world and I go around charging other up, making them shine, but then that means that I don't get the same thing back. Really, it's an honorable thing to be able to make the world better and brighter.<br />
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I dunno, I probably think and analyze to much. I am the most hopeful depressed person you will ever meet! I mean, honestly! How can someone struggle with such terrible depression (at times, not always) and still remain so damn hopeful, even when trying desperately to not be hopeful.<br />
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A conundrum. I am a walking conundrum.<br />
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Well, maybe life will surprise me yet and there <i>will</i> be a knight come my way, not to fight my battles, but to fight with me, to fight to be together. But I'm not going to get my hopes up. Okay, I'm going to try and miserably fail to not get my hopes up. . . I can't help it.<br />
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Here's hoping that someone throws a wrench in my cycle.<br />
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Katyenkahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15201934767175058180noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6259199604463689307.post-41785316618673548452018-07-14T12:01:00.002-06:002018-07-18T22:38:17.611-06:00An Imposter??<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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I started a new, full-time position as librarian mid-May and life has been crazy since!! Time is going so fast, most of the time I can't keep up. <span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I mean, today is my two month anniversary at the new job, for crying out loud!</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I love my new job. I finally feel like I am where I am supposed to be and I finally get to use my language skills. I work with great people, I have benefits. . .it's awesome. But after about a month I went through a small crisis where I felt like an imposter. I kept waiting for someone to tell me what I was doing wrong, or for them to realize that I wasn't actually all that and a bag of potato chips.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">My crisis lasted about a week, and then I was okay, though I still have some doubts here and there, especially with my language skills.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I was really feeling like life, all of the sudden, was coming together and that I finally was going to have everything I'd been longing for.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">After I ended things with Alex, I decided that I did not want a "normal" relationship. I just wanted something casual--no drama--and that was going pretty well.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">And then, I met this guy. . .</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I was reluctant at first, but he was cute and I thought, okay, why not. So we started talking, we hung out a couple times and I liked him. I thought he was fun and I liked hanging out. Everything was fine until one day when something changed. I'm not even sure what happened, but it's like a switch was flipped and I suddenly thought, this is more than just friendship.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">That's when my world turned upside down.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I'd never had someone treat me so kindly, say such nice things to me, make me feel so special, or so safe. I realized that I was falling for him and that all those things I'd "decided" I didn't need/want. . .they might actually be possible. I let myself start hoping again. I said to my best friend one day that he was going to spoil me and she informed me that no, this is how I should be treated, how I deserve to be treated.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I was feeling great.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Then he said he was moving and four days later he was gone.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I suppose all girls go through something similar, but I was devastated. Then I was pissed off. I didn't want this. I was happy with my toy boy. I told him how invested I get in people. . . Then I kind of came to terms with it, but I've been waffling since.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I don't know what will happen. I really hope it's not the end, but even if it is, I'm glad to have known him and had this experience. (Even if I believe, wholeheartedly, that I will never have it again.)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">So, after getting my hopes up that maybe I would have a family someday, I have come back down and realize that I probably won't. I mean, I'm 37. I <i>have </i>geriatric eggs and I <i>don't have</i> $13,000 in order to freeze my eggs, if I even have any. (Yes, I googled how much it costs to freeze your eggs. . .)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Trying to go back to how things were is a little like having always eaten plain yellow cake and then discovering that there was cake with frosting. Who wants to go back to just plain cake?!</span></div>
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Katyenkahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15201934767175058180noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6259199604463689307.post-46434565526744783012018-05-02T07:09:00.001-06:002018-05-02T07:09:39.614-06:00Stuff Been Happening!!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Oh golly! Itâs been quite some time since Iâd written a post. I wanted to several times, but at first, I had nothing good to say, and then I had some good stuff, but wasnât sure how much detail I wanted to go into. But, since I am having a day of rest today, sitting in a quiet house in the middle of Belgium, it seemed like a good time to catch up.<br />
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I felt a lot of freedom when I finally said enough and ended things with Alex. It did overwhelm me in a few emotional moments when I wasnât expecting it, but for the most part it has been a relief. it long after that I signed up on OKCupid just to see who is out there and maybe make some new friends. This brought me to a crossroads of sorts. Surprisingly, to me, I was getting all kinds of offers and I now faced a choice. Up to this point I had lived the Christian, sex is only for two married people, and I found myself wanting to experience different people, but kind of being held back by those morals.<br />
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After some debate, I decided that, while I intended to be careful, I didnât see anything wrong with trying out a few guys. I realized that at this time, I really actually didnât want anything serious. I was still pretty self conscious and worried that it would be difficult because of my size, but Iâve discovered that when you can comunicate in the same language, itâs actually pretty easy. And fun!!!<br />
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Without going into too much detail, I decided, why canât I be like Lady Chatterley? If a woman likes sex, why should she feel bad about that? Men arenât normally made to feel bad about their conquests. To me, the most important thing is to be careful, and not shag everything that moves, ha ha. I have to say that I feel so much freedom now! I feel like a powerful woman of the world, and it might be kind of going to my head a little that there are guys who find me sexy. What a feeling when someone delights in your body.<br />
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In other news, things at work have been really tense, and my life has felt like complete chaos lately. But, I am several days into my trip to Belgium and having a great time so far. Will write about Belgium later.<br />
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Katyenkahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15201934767175058180noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6259199604463689307.post-51758765125970627372018-02-03T22:40:00.001-07:002018-02-03T22:40:06.052-07:00Moving On Up<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
For once, I'm feeling absolutely great!<br />
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Man, it was really hard to let go of Alex, but what a gigantic weight off of my chest now! Geez! I feel like I was swimming around trying to keep the Titanic from sinking. Since I mailed that letter I have felt such a sense of freedom and release, and just happiness. I've gotten my bounce back in my step, and everyone is really happy for me.<br />
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But most of all, I am happy for me.<br />
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I've done a lot of soul searching and confronting of some fears and decided what I want, and that I don't care if it meets anyone else's expectations. The only person in this world that I need to please is me.<br />
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So, I decided to get on OKCupid and just see who is out there. I have come across some real duds, some fake profiles, and lots of guys with a much different life view than myself, but I've also chatted with some pretty nice guys. And I have given myself permission to have the kind of relationship that I want to have, whether that be finding my Prince Charming, or a nice ass to enjoy for a while.<br />
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I'm moving on and moving up!<br />
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Katyenkahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15201934767175058180noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6259199604463689307.post-74172647937659434922018-01-24T23:05:00.000-07:002018-01-24T23:05:15.105-07:00Time To Say Goodbye<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Yaâll know that my whole relationship has been obstacle after obstacle, but after being engaged for two and half years and getting nowhere, I decided what I really knew a long time ago...itâs over.<br />
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He is a good, kind, man, but it is obvious to me that he is not going to change, no matter how much he loves me. And, I truly believe that he is subconsciously sabotaging things because deep down, he doesnât believe Iâll stay with him.<br />
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I feel a shit ton of different emotions. I feel sad. I feel mad. I feel like a fucking idiot. Part of me is glad that we had what we had, and part is sad that I wasted so many years. And so much money.<br />
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I feel a sense of freedom. I mean, I loved the guy with all my heart, but my heart spent a lot of time aching. And like I said, I think I knew it was over a long time ago but just couldnât face it.<br />
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I will always love you, you were my first love. But I am stronger now, and I know that I deserve better than to be heartbroken all the time. Wish you all the best. Thank you for teaching me what love should, and shouldnât, be.<br />
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Katyenkahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15201934767175058180noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6259199604463689307.post-23190142771251591882018-01-06T15:47:00.000-07:002018-01-11T20:35:25.146-07:00How To Raise A Feminist<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I have never been one to call myself a feminist. First of all, I don't see the need for so many labels. Secondly, I don't want to be thought of as one of those radical feminists who seemingly want to eliminate men, or at least reduce them to slaves. I do, however, passionately believe that men and women are different, but equal. And one thing the recent political atmosphere has shown is how far we still have to go until there is true equality. I guess that's the one thing I have to thank Trump for...making us all painfully aware of how far we still have to go.<br />
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At work I kept walking past the book "Dear Ijeawele, or A Feminist Manifesto in Fifteen Suggestions" by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie. The title intrigued me, but it is also a very short book, and as I was behind on my reading goal for the year, I decided to grab it. I'm glad I did.<br />
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I found the book to be very thoughtful and full of a lot of wisdom. A feminist by the author's standards is something that I could definitely be.<br />
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The book was written as a letter to her friend, who asked her how to raise her daughter as a feminist. There are fifteen suggestions.<br />
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<li>Be a full person. (Meaning that your sole identity should not be as a mother.)</li>
<li>Do it together. (The father should be just as active of a parent as the mother.)</li>
<li>Teach her that the idea of gender roles is absolute nonsense. ("'Because you are a girl" is never a reason for anything. Ever.â)</li>
<li>Beware the danger of Feminism Lite. (The idea of conditional female equality.)</li>
<li>Teach her to read. Teach her to love books.</li>
<li>Teach her to question language. (For example, the word princess implies delicacy and the need to be saved.)</li>
<li>Never speak of marriage as an achievement.</li>
<li>Teach her to reject likeability. (Her job is not to be likeable to all.)</li>
<li>Give her a sense of identity.</li>
<li>Be deliberate how you engage with her and her appearance.</li>
<li>Teach her to question our culture's selective use of biology as "reasons" for social norms.</li>
<li>Talk to her about sex, and start early.</li>
<li>Romance will happen, so be on board.</li>
<li>In teaching her about oppression, be careful not to turn the oppressed into saints.</li>
<li>Teach her about difference. Make difference ordinary. Make difference normal. Teach her not to attach value to difference.</li>
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I liked a lot of the insights that the author shared, but I especially liked when she wrote in her second suggestion that the father and mother should be doing things together. Childrearing is not the woman's domain. But what I appreciated most was when she said that we should reject the language of the father "helping" with the children or "babysitting" the children. As the father, he is simply being a father and taking care of his children. I have never understood why a father would "babysit" his own children.<br />
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I also liked what she said about the fact that gender should not determine the things we like or the things we do. For example, girls shouldn't have to play with dolls, just because they are girls. And it shouldn't be wrong for boys to play with dolls because they are boys. Girls shouldn't be limited to certain career choices because they are girls. Along with that, men should share in the housework and cooking, and not have to be congratulated for doing so.<br />
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There are still so many double standards we need to break. Why, for example, is a woman supporting her husband in his political career, but a man âallowsâ his wife to have a political career? Why do we tell girls to be nice and to be careful, but let boys run around and wreak havoc? Why do we use words like princess for girls and imply that they are fragile and need saving? And why is marriage the ultimate goal for girls, but not for boys? Why are women identified as wives, but men are not identified as husbands? Why do women give up their names? These are all interesting questions posited by the author.<br />
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The other part that I especially enjoyed was in the twelfth suggestion: talk about sex and do it early. I agree with the author that we talk to boys and girls very differently about sex. This boys will be boys attitude is still rampant, yet we tell girls who embrace their sexuality that it is shameful. Why? Yes, girls can become pregnant, but why is the boy who impregnated her any less responsible or deserving of shame? There should not be this double standard. We donât live in the Middle Agesâsex should not be something that is thought of as shameful. Sex is a beautiful, wonderful thing, but both en and women need to practice is responsibly.<br />
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So, maybe I am a feminist after all. All I know for sure is that if I ever have a daughter, I think that I will keep many of these suggestions in mind.<br />
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Katyenkahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15201934767175058180noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6259199604463689307.post-48311086776344013902018-01-02T00:13:00.000-07:002018-01-02T00:13:03.162-07:00New Year, Not New Me<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
The last couple new years I've been able to reach down in and get all introspective and dig up some positivity, but not this year. Things have been really rough and I have tried really hard not to let the negative out to affect other people. Apparently, I have done a good job because when I posted on Facebook that last year was full of a lot of yucky stuff, people were very surprised.<br />
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This year has held lots of job (searching) woes. Two times I was passed over for full-time employment at the place I loved working, there have been lots of changes there that are leaving me mentally and physically exhausted, I haven't even been able to find another part time job, and so on...<br />
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As far as love, I just don't know. I just don't understand what's happening, and if there is actually any possibility that this can lead anywhere.<br />
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My weight loss was going super duper until this fall when work and love started getting icky and I started dealing with depression. Life became about living one day at a time, and I just didn't have the mental energy to do as well at keto.<br />
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So, this year, my focus is to get back on track eating wise, to try and be sure that I am taking care of me, to purpose to write, and to try and branch out. Mom and I are starting a home bakery, so you never know...maybe that will go somewhere.<br />
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Anyway, I'm just going to try and take care of me and figure out what I really want, or more accurately, how to get what I really want.<br />
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So, 2017, you can just go suck it. 2018, try to be kinda gentle.<br />
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Katyenkahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15201934767175058180noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6259199604463689307.post-75272447726449858402017-11-26T23:06:00.000-07:002017-11-26T23:06:12.938-07:00What Is Depression?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Sometimes I see posts or talk to people about depression and suicide. This happens to be a very personal topic to me. I have many family members who have struggled with depression, and several who chose to commit suicide. I know a lot of people mean well, but if you don't understand depression, you will never understand suicide.<br />
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One day when I was at work, an officer talked to me about a guy that had recently committed suicide and how it was so cowardly. It was all I could do to contain my anger. This man obviously had no concept of what depression is like and what a person actually goes through before committing suicide.<br />
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We all have times in our lives when things are bad, but for some people, it doesn't go away. Sometimes people get so sad and hopeless that they just want to make it stop hurting. A lot of people throw around the word depressed, but so many do not understand that they are actually just grieving or sad.<br />
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There is a difference.<br />
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The American Psychiatric Association shares the following on their website <a href="https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/depression/what-is-depression" target="_blank">www.psychiatry.org</a>:<br />
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But being sad is not the same as having depression. The grieving process is natural and unique to each individual and shares some of the same features of depression. Both grief and depression may involve intense sadness and withdrawal from usual activities. They are also different in important ways:</div>
<ul style="box-sizing: border-box; color: #111111; font-family: roboto, HelveticaNeue-Light, "Helvetica Neue Light", "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial, "Lucida Grande", sans-serif; font-size: 16px; list-style-type: circle; margin-bottom: 1.5625rem; margin-top: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 0px 25px;">
<li style="box-sizing: border-box;">In grief, painful feelings come in waves, often intermixed with positive memories of the deceased. In major depression, mood and/or interest (pleasure) are decreased for most of two weeks.</li>
<li style="box-sizing: border-box;">In grief, self-esteem is usually maintained. In major depression, feelings of worthlessness and self-loathing are common.</li>
<li style="box-sizing: border-box;">For some people, the death of a loved one can bring on major depression. Losing a job or being a victim of a physical assault or a major disaster can lead to depression for some people. When grief and depression co-exist, the grief is more severe and lasts longer than grief without depression. Despite some overlap between grief and depression, they are different. Distinguishing between them can help people get the help, support or treatment they need.</li>
</ul>
</blockquote>
What does this mean in less clinical terms? Let me try to illustrate.<br />
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A child grows up being made fun of because in some way, they are different. This child is constantly made to feel that they are not good enough, maybe that they are a disappointment at home. Things never go well for them in some way at school, at work, or in some other part of their life. They begin to no longer get enjoyment from things that they once did. They feel like they are worthless, maybe that they are a burden to all those that they love. Sometimes, they even begin to loathe or hate themselves for the pain that they must be causing those around them.<br />
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Okay, you say, but that is still no reason to commit suicide.<br />
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Well, imagine that your brain actually believed that you were causing harm to people that you loved. Imagine that life hurt so bad that you were physically ill in some way. Imagine feeling like a ship that was sinking and that was going to take down all the people whom you love if you didn't do something to stop it.<br />
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It is really hard to imagine if you have never felt it. Sometimes, you know what caused it. Sometimes, you have no idea why you feel this way. For some people, there is a biochemical issue in the brain and it just doesn't function normally. Part of it may come down to genetics, personality, or environmental factors. The point is, it is not something you can just stop doing, or switch off.<br />
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Believe me--people with depression would if they could.<br />
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Think, for just a moment, to yourself about what it would take for you to no longer want to live. A lot, right? So, before you call someone who committed or tried to commit suicide a coward, think about that.<br />
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And for those dealing with the loss of someone, asking yourself why they didn't come to you for help--they couldn't. Most likely, they didn't want to be a burden to you--it's already enough that they are hurting.<br />
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What can we take from this? First of all, be kind to everyone because you never know when one mean word, even if it's not directed at them, per se, could tip someone over the edge. Second of all, don't underestimate the terrible shit that someone is going though just because you see no physical symptoms.<br />
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In short--be kind to your fellow humans!!!<br />
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Also, if you are reading this and you are depressed--there are people who care! Here are resources for you:<br />
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National Suicide Hotline: call 1-800-273-8255<br />
Online Chat: <a href="http://chat.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx" target="_blank">http://chat.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx</a><br />
Crisis Textline: <a href="https://www.crisistextline.org/" target="_blank">https://www.crisistextline.org</a> text 741741 from anywhere in the US<br />
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Katyenkahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15201934767175058180noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6259199604463689307.post-33041108438439255882017-11-08T09:37:00.000-07:002017-11-08T09:37:42.173-07:00Too Much Thinking<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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As often, no always, happens when I am stressed out and down about things, I start to philosophize. I start thinking about all the things I've done wrong, why my life is the way it is, and why I am the way I am. I've been so frustrated lately. Things at work have been crazy and I've been almost constantly working with very little down time. I've been feeling very undervalued and under-appreciated at work, and to be honest, still have some hard feelings about past mistreatment by employers. There is an award lunch coming up and it started me down a strange road.<br />
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Honestly, I find myself a real conundrum.<br />
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I don't know how anyone else could understand me, cuz I sure as hell don't understand myself. I find it odd that on the one hand I hate the spotlight and try desperately to stay in the background. Maybe that comes from years of trying to hide in plain sight so as to avoid as much bullying as possible; said bullying probably why my personal mission in life is to do for others and to make their lives better. But on the other hand, I wish someone cared about me enough to, in the words of Jane Austen, "winkle" things out of me.<br />
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So, to review: I don't want any attention or to share anything, but I want people to dig and find it out anyway.<br />
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<i>And</i>, as much as I hate recognition or spotlight, I kind of secretly long for it.<br />
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I think that I just long for someone to think enough of me, or to be doing something that really matters in the world, that would be worthy of notice, and I don't want the actual spotlight. I just want to matter.<br />
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See what I mean? Huge conundrum...<br />
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I struggle a lot with relationships, because when you are a friend or someone special to me, I give you 100%. But that's not how most people are. I get that. It's my personality type, and it's a rare one. But I tend to feel unimportant to others, because they don't have the same (way, incredibly too high) standards that I do. I find myself longing for one person to fight for me as hard as I fight for others. But, I have to just keep reminding myself that I don't mean less to people just because they show friendship and love in different ways.<br />
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Oi vei.<br />
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I really need to quit this deep thinking shit.<br />
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So, I finally have some time off coming up...I think it's time to try and center myself, or something like that. Maybe I need to try some meditation. I dunno. But I definitely need to chill the f@$k out.<br />
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If this post accomplished nothing else, maybe you at least feel better about yourself now. :)<br />
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Katyenkahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15201934767175058180noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6259199604463689307.post-27942329396409747182017-11-05T21:00:00.001-07:002018-01-11T20:57:43.498-07:00One Hundred!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
One year ago today I was a mess. I was struggling with my health, I was dealing with having been laid off and moving across the country, and my weight just kept climbing and climbing. November 5th 2016, I hit the highest weight ever. I knew that I had to do something, and I had been successful previously on low carb diets.<br />
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I started researching diets that might be good for PCOS and thyroid, and I came across keto. So, January 1, 2017 I started my keto journey.<br />
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It probably took about two months before I really found my groove, but once I did, the weight just seemed to melt off. I've struggled a bit lately. I've caught myself emotional eating a little and had gone back and forth with the same 5 pounds for about a month, but I'm just pretty happy to let my body do its thing, as long as I keep going in the right direction.<br />
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I am very happy to say that since I started this journey in January, I am down 93 pounds, and 100 pounds from one year ago.<br />
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Feels pretty damn good!<br />
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Katyenkahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15201934767175058180noreply@blogger.com0