I Feel Flingy!

Recently, I have really been challenging and scrutinizing my beliefs and trying to figure out what I believe and why.  Some of my beliefs and values have been confirmed, others...I'm still deciding on.  One thing I do know with absolute certainty is that this last year has brought a lot of change and growth to me.  (I didn't ask for any of it, but looking back, I can see it was necessary--and good.)

One major area I have been testing lately is my ideas about love, sex, and relationships in general.  This is a touchy area for me.

Background:

Growing up I didn't really have many friends and my family is not very close knit, so I was pretty much always a loner.  I spent most of my time around adults, and found them much more pleasant than the imbecilic (ok, they were just kids) kids who made my life a living hell day in and day out.  The few friends I had either moved away, were terrible friends, or completely turned on me and joined the other kids in shunning and taunting me.

So, knowing this, it is maybe not so hard to understand why I am either such a "good" friend that I scare people off, or that I give and give and they take and take and simply use me.  I'm not sure I've ever, until very recently, had a healthy relationship.  Currently, however, my brother and I have a good relationship, I'm working on my relationship with my mother, and I have two wonderful besties with whom I can be myself, no matter who that person is.  As long, that is, as I am not an axe murderer...

I am having to learn to leave some mystery in my relationships, to not overload people by being in their faces constantly.  And that is just friendship and family kinds of relationships.  As for man/woman relationships--totally different story.

Completely without shame I confess that I am 32, have never been on a date, have never been asked out, have never been kissed (remember the movie??).  Since I was 10 I grew up (in the Midwest) in a Methodist and then Evangelical Free Church and I completely accepted and never questioned the fact that people were not supposed to, to steal a phrase from my current song obsession, get lucky until they were married.  My resolution to remaining pure was helped by the lack of interest from any human with the desired sexual organs, and the fact that having sex would mean being...naked!!!  That is a big deal yo a young woman who feels so ashamed about her body that she would rather dig a hole and die than let anyone get a peek!

Not that I have ever been ashamed by the desire to remain sexually pure (there are way too many diseases and always the chance of pregnancy to go around humping anything and everything) but it is something I have struggled with.  My carnal side craves flesh, and that whole stupid biological clock thing is sooo not helping, but my Christian good girl roots tell me no, no, no, that's a bad girl.  Being 32 and seeing your chances to have babies starting to dwindling also does nothing to help.

I have come to a place where I can accept that, up to this point, I was not ready for any kind of relationship, (big deal for me!) and I'm still not sure that I am yet, and while this doesn't make me any less lonely, it is slightly comforting that when I finally plunge into the dating world, it will be in a somewhat healthy manner.

In fact, at the mo I feel really good about the progress I am making and for the first time am actually ok with the fact that I am not ready for a serious relationship.  I have even come up with an ingenious solution--a summer fling!  Nothing too serious, just a little something to get my feet wet.  I mean, I no longer think that I am going to hold out, find the one magical man, date and get married.  There are probably going to be a few tries first, so why not have a little fun?

While this is a great solution, I also realize that there has to be another party involved.  I haven't worked that out yet, but I am trying to be more open minded about things, and give people a chance to like me before I outright tell them "you're not going to like me, so I'm not going to give you a chance to not like me."  Honestly, what is not to like?  (Repeat to self over and over...)

In the meantime, I will live vicariously through Lins and Meggie Moo.

 I'll just play with other people's babies and be thankful I can love 'em and leave 'em! ;)

Twenty Weeks

Well, yesterday marked the twentieth week on Weight Watchers and while I didn't quite hit my 10% goal by my birthday (last week), I am still pretty pleased by my progress: 38 pounds in 20 weeks.  Nothing to complain about!

I have been doing really well on Weight Watchers, I find it so easy and it just makes sense, although the last couple weeks I could have spent some of my points a little more wisely.  All in all, though, I have been making better decisions, and those times when I make not so good choices, I feel the results and I am learning that it may not be worth it to eat those things.

Mom is trying to do it, too, although I kind of forced it on her, so I don't think she was as ready for it.  But still, we are both trying to make better choices.  I've lost a good amount, and she has lost some too.

So, last Friday was my birthday, and after my friend Meghan found out that birthdays were never really a big deal in my family, she decided it was her goal to give me a great birthday.  I secretly liked this, because I've never made a big deal about it being my birthday, but I've always secretly wished that I would walk into a room to a surprise party, because that would mean that someone cared enough to go to all that trouble.  (I know that may sound kinda bad, but see, that's how I show love, doing things for people, so I tend to compare other people to my standards, which is not fair, because I usually go way above and beyond.)  Anywhoo, Meghan and her daughter Maddie took me to Ames and we went shopping at Hobby Lobby, they took me to lunch at Hickory Park, and gave me presents!  Later I had a drink with my friend Sharon, then in the evening I had dinner with the rents at Zeno's.  

It was a good day!The next day was a little, disappointing--things just did not work out how I'd planned, but it happens.  Mom and I had been planning to go down and check out the new Nissan Versa Note which finally came in at Hummel's (the best dealership and service department ever), and then we were going to go to the police range with Meghan's beau and shoot.  Well, looking turned into buying and it took longer than we expected and I didn't get to go to the range.  I was really psyched to see Meghan shoot for the first time, but I'll get over it.  Then I've had this last week off in order to use some vacation before the end of our fiscal year, and I had all kinds of plans, again, which didn't happen, but it's all good!  I am visiting one of my besties (read her fantastic blog here), a yearly tradition since our birthdays are back to back, I come down for a visit on a weekend close to our birthdays and we celebrate together.  Of course, celebrating this year and last year was a little different since she was pregnant last year and this year has a five month old, but we still manage to have a good time.I love visiting because, even though it's only a couple hours away, I can leave everything behind, and when we get together, it's like we saw each other last week.  Even if we don't do anything, it's nice to chill with awesome friends, to let my hair down, and just be myself--not have to sensor anything, or worry about offending anyone, and when her other friends come over, it's so awesome to have intelligent, adult conversation!It's a great ending to a not so great week!Another update: we finished our first welding class project last week by making bugs.  Below you can see the pictures of the steel which I bent, my finished sculpture, and all of ours together.  I am really digging this welding thing, even though it is hot and dirty!

                                             

So, to get me in a really happy place, I'm squeezin' on the cutest baby in the world and chillin' with some awesome peeps!!

Yeah, life is good!

Updates

News! News!

Well, I finally heard back from my Dr.'s office and surgery is scheduled for July 30.  I would have liked to do it in early to mid July, but I am just glad to finally be getting rid of that stupid nuisance of a bone!

In other news, Weight Watchers is still going well.  I'm probably not quite going to hit my 10% goal by my birthday, but I'm within a few pounds with 35 lost!

AND I can cross one more thing off of my Bucket List: today I learned how to weld!

I am taking a class through Continuing Ed here at the college with three other gals who work here and it is awesome, although, it is really hot!

Sexy leather apron!

Trudi shows of her welding...                                                                 My first welding attempts.

                                             

A very industrial look!

                                             

Welder behind a curtain that protects the eyes of passersby.

What the finished product will look like, approximately.                            Hood hair...

Cripple

Sooooo, I've always had lousy ankles.  I've sprained both of them, and they pretty much don't work right.  My right ankle has hurt my entire life--well for as long as I can remember--and I simply learned how to deal with it.  However, two years ago I took a motorcycle rider education course through the college where I work and, clumsy me, almost first thing I dumped the bike.

It turned out to be a blessing in disguise because my right foot was smooshed by the motorcycle, and I went to the podiatrist once, and three months later when my foot still hurt I went back.  They took an X-ray of my foot to make sure there were no fractures, but when I was there I had the foresight to ask him why I had such limited mobility in that ankle.

Well, he whipped out my X-ray and said that I had an extra bone in my ankle that physically blocked me from pointing my foot.  After some research I found that this extra bone is called an os trigonum and only between 2 & 7% people have them.

They are something with which you are born, and for most people, other than athletes or ballet dancers, they cause no trouble.  However, I am so lucky, that not only do I have one, but I have a huge one!  (I truly believe that my wisdom teeth which never developed all went to my ankle...)

I asked the doctor if I could have it removed and he said perhaps if I were a teenager, but insinuated that 30 was already too old, though he informed me that I had three bone spurs already and that my ankle would only get worse with time.

Well, unwilling to swallow that load of bollocks, I went to the podiatrist who used to be here in town, (now an orthopedic surgeon with a very good reputation) to ask for a second opinion.  When I told him that doctor #1 had informed me I was too old, he went on and on about how ridiculous that was.  He gave me a shot to help with the inflammation and told me we could do surgery any time.

Tomorrow I am going to talk to him about having my pain in the ankle removed.

See the blob right above the heel bone...that's my os trigonum.

This is the average size of an os trigonum.

So, we'll see what he says tomorrow: How much will it cost, how long is the recovery...

The Big 3-0

No, I'm not turning thirty.


No, the big 3-0 age-wise came two years ago.  This is a 3-0 of a different color.


Weight Watchers has been going really well.  I really don't know what all the fuss was about before--somehow this time everything has just fallen into place.  I've been really good at abiding by my points, and for the most part, I've been eating a good balance of protein, carbs, and fruits & veg.  I've been having snacks, I've been able to divide bags of pretzels or sweets into portions and eat only the portion. I've not excluded anything.  I eat cake, candy, chips, pizza...all in moderation.  I even find space for the occasional glass of wine or beer.

As of two weeks ago, fifteen weeks after starting Weight Watchers, I had lost 30 pounds!  I had to order some new pants, two sizes smaller, I might add, because the pants I had been wearing were just too baggy and wouldn't stay up.  At the same time I am completely amazed at myself, and utterly thrilled, I feel like things in my life are starting to fall into place.  I know it sounds a little funny for a nearly 32 year old woman to say this, but I feel like I am finally growing up, finally becoming my own woman...and I love it!

Anyone who knows me very well knows that I am far from being a patient person, and I tend to spaz out about things, but for the first time in my life and can look and see that lots of the things I've been waiting for are happening!  I have a couple really awesome friends, without whom I would be completely lost, I am stable and mostly satisfied in my job, I have plans to better myself (education wise), and I am actually doing some of the things which I want to do.  And for the first time I feel that not only do I have a best friend, but that I am someone else's best friend.  I cannot even start to tell you how awesome that feels.

Add to my awesome besties a few really supportive and super awesome family members, and I feel, to be cliché, like I could fly.  My friends and family, and also my awesome counselor, are helping me to not only  figure out who I am, but to feel free, more like give myself permission, to be whoever it is I decide to be.

I am thinking about me!  I am deciding not what is best for others, but what is best for me!

I also decided that I spent too long blindly following and that I need to look at things such as education, religion, politics, morals and to analyze them and decide for myself how to think and what to believe.  My art teacher, whom I adore and has been like a mentor to me, used to say that he didn't want cookie cutter art--well I am no longer a cookie cutter person!  I am an original and I want to be an original.

So, on this fairly beautiful, if slightly chilly, day I am sitting on the porch with my laptop and a glass of wine, working on my novel and feeling pretty darn satisfied.

Aaaah....

                                            

The Saga of Double Gnome Seven: Road Trip Part 6

Need refreshment. Hmmm...reach...re-e-a-ch...

                                       

Jerk Face

I'm feeling like a real jerk today.

My mom has been wanting to move to Wisconsin near where my Uncle lives for the past couple years.  This affects me because I live with her.  I have not been able to afford living on my own and I've enjoyed living with her, but I have longed for some independence the last year or so.  After a period of not really hearing much about Wisconsin, she brought it up again last week, so finally I told her (on Mother's Day), straight out, that I don't want to move right now.

When she first talked about it a couple years ago, I was indifferent.  I like the Madison area, I love going up to visit, and at that point I didn't have much to keep me in Iowa.  At one point, early on, she got me so excited about moving that I applied for several jobs, but never got any responses.  My interest cooled off when I could not get a job after a year of trying, and then, last year, as my job swirled around the crapper for several months, I would have taken a job scrubbing toilets to get out of here!

While last year was one of the worst years of my life, being thrown under the bus by my employer, but being accused of throwing my employer under the bus, doing the job of three people by myself, for months, for no extra pay or even a thank you (but instead being told I was being negative), there were also some good things to come out of the year, such as my new boss.

Yes, I couldn't ask for a better boss.  He is extremely sarcastic and we kinda bicker back and forth, but we get a long really well and understand where one another are coming from.  It is so awesome to have someone who not only trusts me to do my job, but who supports me, stands up for me, and wants to help me better myself.  I actually like my job again.  Now, that doesn't mean that I want to stay there forever.  My position is pretty much a dead end position, but for the time being I am comfortable.  I have a stable job, good insurance, lots of stored up vacation time, and colleagues whom I adore.

Which brings me to another reason: Meghan.  I have become good friends with Meghan, whose office is down the hall, and who teaches music at the college.  We get along really really well, and we both have some issues, so half the time we end up giving one another the exact same advice.  We get together frequently for movie nights, lunch, etc. (something many times involving wine and girl talk) and I really think we need each other.  She has been a great support for me in losing weight, and I hope I've been a support for her, and for her daughter.  I love them both!

One last, and pretty big reason to stay is that I am applying to a dual MA program in Library and Information Science and Translation at the University of Wisconsin--Milwaukee and the college will give me money towards my classes.

So, I think mom and I have gotten over the initial shock of things, although yesterday I felt like a right jerk, but last night we planted cucumbers together and things seem to be ok.

For once I feel somewhat confident in my plans and like my life is actually going somewhere.

P.S. I am sitting outside on the porch with my new laptop writing this in 93º weather.  Just a little over a week ago we had a snowstorm with some of the worst road conditions all winter.