Missing the Hee-lands

I still have to finish blogging about my time in Scotland, but I have been missing it terrible lately. Never has a place gotten so under my skin. So, for a wee bit o' nostalgia--some photos and a song.

And a song...

P.C.O.What?

Wow! The past eighteen months have been a very introspective time for me.

I feel that I am finally figuring out who I am. At some point in the last year I took a personality test which was very enlightening. I have always felt like a fish out of water, felt so different from everyone else and could never really understand myself, but after taking a Meyers-Briggs based test, many things became much clearer and I discovered there was an explanation for things like the fact that I hate calling people. I can call the people closest to me, but I even have a really hard time calling my grandmother.

It also explains why I feel so fragile emotionally, because I feel things so deeply. I have the fairly rare personality type INFP which stands for Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Perceiving. (Read more here.) On personalitypage.com it gives an overview of INFPs:

As an INFP, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit into your personal value system. Your secondary mode is external, where you take things in primarily via your intuition.INFPs, more than other iNtuitive Feeling types, are focused on making the world a better place for people. Their primary goal is to find out their meaning in life. What is their purpose? How can they best serve humanity in their lives? They are idealists and perfectionists, who drive themselves hard in their quest for achieving the goals they have identified for themselves.

It also explains part of the reason I am so hard on myself.

I have to say that I have started to feel a lot better about myself and a lot more comfortable in my own skin. I understand myself better and how my emotions work, and I can see that being so emotional is not bad. It can be hard, but it is not bad.

I am just going into another phase of learning--this time about my physical self. As a teenager I was diagnosed with Poly-Cystic Ovary Syndrome, but at that time there was very little information about it. It was pretty much "you are insulin resistant and your periods are messed up--here is metformin and birth control, good luck." Recently, I started to do some research again on PCOS since I have been wanting to find out ways to help my body work correctly (and to figure out if that is even possible), and there is so much new information I am almost, no I am overwhelmed.

Before, I thought that PCOS was just a few symptoms which affected just a few systems of my body. I am beginning to see differently. I am starting to see that PCOS affects my entire body, and it has made me realize that maybe things are more serious, and challenging, than me just trying to lose some weight. While searching on Pinterest for tips and sources of info I found the below graphic and that is when it really hit home: this is a syndrome, an illness, no different than if I'd been diagnosed with fibromyalgia or cancer.

Graphic borrowed from http://www.pcosgirl.com/pcos-symptoms/

Let's just say that after I say this, shit got real.

I've been under a bit of a cloud recently, and I think this is partly why. I've realized that I HAVE to get healthy, but I'm not sure how to do it. I try and it goes okay for a little while, then I fall down. Now I am realizing that there is more to it. It's like I've been trying to walk into a room but there is an invisible door there which just became visible and I can now see that there is nothing wrong with my effort per se, there are just obstacles in my way with which I don't know how to deal.

A friend and I went to an informational session on weight-loss surgery. I have really mixed feelings about it and am really struggling to figure some things out. Either way, surgery or no, it is going to be a huge commitment and struggle and I have to figure out from where I will get the strength to get through this even without anyone there to cheer me on.

More to come on the surgery debate. In the meantime, homework. :(

I feel fine!

Hi!

Well!  Since coming back from Scotland I have been running to catch up.  I promise to post more on that soon.

I have to say, surprisingly, I have been feeling pretty fantastic lately.  Scotland was a big challenge for me; I knew that it would be.  I kept up with the rest of the group pretty darn well, even though most of the time I was walking twice my normal speed.  I felt really proud of that.  The walking really didn't get to me, other than the stairs the first few days.  I didn't really watch what I was eating there, but I walked it all off.  AND, I wasn't snacking all the time, and didn't want to.

When I came home I had lost five pounds!  Pretty darn good for having eaten ice cream everyday.  No, seriously. Every day.  Several people told me I looked smaller, and indeed I felt smaller.  I that was a pretty spectacular result from three little weeks where I wasn't trying to lose weight.

Since I've been back at work people have been really glad to see me, given me hugs and asked all about my trip, which makes me feel pretty awesome.  People missed me!  They love me!  They really, really love me!

I've noticed in the past couple weeks that when I look in the mirror, not only do I no longer hate myself, but I think "hey, you've really got a nice face."  This is so strange for me!!  I don't know what is happening, but I hope it continues.

Scotland

Well, here I am!

I arrived today at Dalkeith Palace just outside Edinburgh, Scotland.  So far everything has been great.  The four of us girls are in one room and getting along quite well. Three of us arrived at the airport within an hour of each other and shared a taxi from the airport.  It was quite exciting--we were barely out of the airport when we got into a accident at a roundabout.  Ok, it wasn't really an accident, but that sounds way more interesting!!

There was a little old manin the car in front of us who apparently couldn't get his car out of gear and slid back into the cab. It all took place at the super high speed of two miles per hour.  After our very nice, Polish driver got out and sorted things out, the little old man hugged him, then we were on our way to the house.

We got here and couldn't get in, but finally did and then we walked into town with Glen to get some breakfast.  We ate at Cafe Troy and it was good!  I had fresh orange juice, bacon, egg and chips.  Then we walked through town.  We stopped at the Salvation Army where I bought a fascinator, then we went to Morrison's which is a grocery chain.  I bought some water and Jammie Dodgers and us girls admired the alcohol isle with its cans of hooch, etc.

We came back to the house, took a nap and then walked around the grounds a little before supper.  For supper I'm not sure if she said Scottish Pie or Cottage Pie but it was delicious.  After a brief class session we were all off to bed.

Day 2

We all slept pretty well, though it is pretty warm in our room.  We got up, bathed, went down and met the others for breakfast. Then Dr. Joyce Miller came in to give us a brief history of Edinburgh.  It was really interestinf to find out that being called a burgh was really an econmic staus.  Our co-leader, Jessica, then told us about the history of Dalkeith Palace.  We broke for lunch and a walk into Dalkeith to buy two-week bus passes.  Then we had a free afternoon and I walked around to take some pictures, but it started to rain.  It didn't rain for long and we went out for a walk down to the stables and past the orangerie.  It was not a real stressful day, but that was nice because we were all pooped out.

Day 3

Four of us chose to go along with another group to St. Andrew's.  It was our first time out of Dalkeith so it was nice to go with a group.  We took the bus into Edinburgh, took a train to Leuchars, and then a bus to St. Andrew's.  We walked around town and saw the cathedral ruins, the castle ruins, and then ewent to the golf course.  One of our classmates really wanted to get a picture on the bridge on the 18th hole, so we did that.  Then we went and watched the Highland Games.  That was fun, but by the end my poor ankle was getting sore, and come to discover I had a blister on my arch.  We stopped at Morrison's on the way home and had a little picnic on the grounds.  Though I couldn't care less about golf, I enjoyed the sea breeze and the quaint town.

 

Gettin' Serious

I've been thinking a lot about my weight.  While I'm very proud of the progress I have made, I always seem to get so far and then just stop.  Looking back, I told myself that I was not going into my thirties this unhealthy, and now here I am--33 and still fat and unhealthy.

I know I can lose weight, I dropped seventy plus pounds in Moscow, but I just never seem to do it. Someone recently, again, asked if I'd ever considered bariatric surgery and I said no, I hadn't.  I've never considered it because I know that it won't fix the problem, which is in my head.  Until I fix my relationship with food, there is no point in surgery because the same habits will be there.

I've been thinking it over, though.  I always felt that surgery, a drastic option, was cheating somehow and that I should be able to do it on my own.  I also didn't want to have my bowels completely rearranged and my stomach made so small that I would have to constantly be eating (isn't that my problem to begin with??) Then, the other night I was sitting there thinking that I can't keep dragging this on.  I have relatively few health issues now, but as I get further into my thirties, things are going to start going down hill.

I also wonder if I'm against having the surgery because then I would have no choice.  I think somewhere deep inside I'm still telling myself I don't deserve to be healthy, and I'm scared because if I'm rejected after I've lost all the weight then I can't blame it on the weight.

It comes down to this, I need to get the weight off. Period.  So, I'm giving myself until the end of the year, and if I don't make significant progress, as in at least thirty pounds, then it will be time to look at surgery.  I have to look at the long term.  Before I know it I will be 39 saying that I can't go into my forties like this.

Ok, so today I redoubled my efforts.  In order to get a little jump start, and to prove to my mother that she can survive on her points, I am fixing breakfasts, lunches and dinner for both of us and I will be eating her number of points, almost half of my points.

Ok, I can do this.  I am worth this.  I deserve this.

Birthday Shenanigans.

So, Saturday was my birthday.  My mom and co-worker and I all went down to KC and had a girls' weekend.  We started by visiting my bestie, fixing a ginormous (you think I'm kidding) pot of borscht (why is there a t on the of borscht?), pelmeni and later homemade ice cream and feasting at Lins' house.  I got to play with Charlotte, the most adorable child EVER, and just chill with my girlies.

Saturday, Mom, Jazz and I went to the Russian store and stocked up on goodies, then had lunch at Oklahoma Joe's.  Seriously, the most amazing BBQ.  EVER.  Then we walked around the Country Club Plaza, but it was hotter than a mo-fo and we called it quits by about 5:00.  We went back to the hotel, watched TV and ordered pizza.

By Sunday we were all pretty much exhausted, but we stopped at the Kansas City Farmer's Market.  It was neat, but we didn't hold up very long in the 96 degree heat.  We finally decided to make our way back home.

It was a great weekend.  I wish I could have seen Lins and Charlotte more, but I was so thrilled that Charlotte seemed to remember me and was happy to see us.  I got lots of hugs in and she even told me "night" when she was getting ready for bed.

Now, the fun is over and I have to finish two papers this week, get prepared for my Scottish Archives class and keep figuring out how I am going to bring the love of my life (I'm pretty sure...) here from Belarus.

But to end on a positive note, I am apparently making strides in my quest to like myself.  I took this selfie at Oklahoma Joe's and I said to my mother "Huh, that's a pretty good picture," and thought to myself "Wow, I really am pretty."

Kisses!

                                             

Thirty Year Old Teenager

I'm reading a great book right now, A Walk on the Beach: Tales of Wisdom From and Unconventional Woman. The author befriends Joan Erikson, wife of world renown psychoanalyst Erik Erikson, who helps the author get through a midlife crisis of sorts. Ok, the book itself is not life-altering, but the wisdom and inspiration from Joan Erikson is great. The last three years I've really been trying to look inside and figure out who I am and who I want to be, and I am finding a lot of inspiration from Joan.

Something I've really struggled with for a long time is being single. It's not the fact that been single for so long that bothers me so much, but the fact that there just really hasn't been anyone, at all. There was kind of almost someone once, except that he was married and I knew I couldn't go there. I know that lots of people are single for a long time, but most people date at least occasionally.

I've always felt inadequate in all areas of my life, especially when the subject of dating came up. This is something that I am trying really hard to get past. While I cannot quite think of myself as beautiful, I no longer think of myself as hideous.

Now, before you get all mad at me, you have to understand where I am coming from--a place where I was not smart enough, where I was chubby and the words of others took my self-image and ripped it to shreds. You may think it's stupid, but this is where I'm coming from, so I really have made giant strides.

I've always felt that I skipped the teenage years. I often hung around with adults, I mean I basically shadowed my mother, and adults didn't say make fun of me either, so I grew up pretty quickly. I missed out on the teen dating thing, and spent my life into my twenties pretty well cocooned in self-pity. I feel that is all about to change.

 After reading about Joan and Erik Erikson, I've done a little research just out of curiosity and I find his stages of development quite interesting. I think that there may have been some issues clear back in the first stage for me, but I think things really started to go wrong in stage three. This is when children are supposed to start interacting with other children and showing initiative, but if this is hampered, they end of feeling guilty and like a nuisance. My brother and I never had many friends and spent most of our time playing alone or with each other. Then comes the fourth stage.  I think this is really where things went south.

"It is at this stage that the child’s peer group will gain greater significance and will become a major source of the child’s self esteem. "

When your peer group is either non-existent or spends its time hurling insults at you, you are going to have issues.

So, now I feel like I'm getting a chance to go back and do some things over. I've written about my friend Alex, and I am working on getting him here, and of course my mind is racing with possibilities. Will we remain good friends, will we be something more? Will he be the one I marry? That's where my brain goes all split personality and one side says "woohoo! someone likes me and we might have a relationship," while the other side says "I just can't quite picture that, I'll believe it when I see it."

Now I get to experience the emotions of a teenage girl who's got a serious crush (with a 30 y.o. body saying "hey bozo! you're not gettin' any younger here!") and all that goes along with that. I feel giddy on the one hand, but I'm trying to stifle it and be adult about the whole thing. But then I really want to just let out a huge SQUEEEEEEEEEEE!* Yep...30 year old teenager...

Better late than never, eh?


*Imagine Maria from the Sound of Music dancing in the hills.