The Saga Of Double Gnome Seven: A New Adventure

After a period of deep undercover work, I am finally back home, but I just got the order from HQ to keep a suspicious young woman under surveillance. She has been making a suspicious number of trips to the former Soviet Union...

Parking is so expensive! Glad I get reimbursed for this.

A New Resolve

It's a new year and every year we make resolutions. Every year we give up on said resolutions.

This year I am not making an resolutions.

That's right. Instead of making resolutions, I am instead resolving myself to live a better life. I am mustering up all the resolve I have to be healthy.

I have decided that weight loss goals and calorie intake goals are all fine and dandy, except that thus far they have not helped in me in the long term. My goal in life is to become a healthy person. To me this means that I want to become a person whom I love. I want to be happy. I want to find a way to not be stressed out all the time, to let things roll of my back and to look for the good in everything.

I want to do things to take care of myself and cherish myself like getting enough sleep, meditating, reading, getting massages, being active mentally and physically. I want to put quality fuel into my body and quit feeding it poison and crap. This is what healthy means to me.

For the first time in my life, I don't want to be a stick figure. Yes, I want to lose some weight so that I am able to do more things, and so that I can hopefully have children some day, but I no longer feel that I have to be thin to love myself or so that someone else can love me. Alex loves me the way I am, why can't I?

I want to embrace my body, glorify my body, love and cherish my body as my temple, and to do things only to make it better and happier.

So, this year, only quality things go in my body and mind.

Another Adventure Comes To a Close

Well, here I am sitting in the airport after a long of day of traveling.

My last post was all about how things were not going well, and then before I could post again, I ran out of internet on my phone, and seeing as it required long bus rides in He very cold weather, I never made it out to pay any more money on it.

Things didn't start out well, but they didn't end so badly. Last Sunday he finally snapped out of his bender. I think it occurred to him finally just what all he had screwed up. That and I wouldn't give him any money. He ended up getting sick as well, and slept all day Sunday. I don't think I even saw him at all that day. Monday I left a note on the hitched table that said "I miss you" and after he saw it, he invited me into the living room to snuggle on the pull out sofa bed and watch TV. It was wonderful.

Then, on Tuesday he was his normal self--he cooked and cleaned and was every bit the host you would expect. We spent the whole day together in the kitchen and had a romantic dinner in the evening. Wednesday we again hung out all day, though we were both tired. He was a little grumpy, and I still don't know what that was about.

Thursday was kind of a lazy day, but we again spent it together. His mom came for a visit and to say good-bye, and then we have a nice farewell dinner together. Neither one of us could really sleep that night, so we laid there, talked a little, got up to get a drink/have a smoke, laid back down, and so on.

This morning was tough. It was really hard to say goodbye, and as it turns out, we got there at the absolute last moment and I barely got checked in. Because of luggage, we couldn't sit together in the car, and then we had to say our goodbyes really fast so I could check in. That was a little disappointing, but perhaps made it a little easier, in the end.

So, after a not so great start, here were the good things to come out of it:

• Some quality snuggle time and just together time
• He actually admitted that he was an alcoholic
• He's been putting serious thought into things in view of the possibility of starting a family

Do I wish things had gone differently, of course, but I will treasure this last week that we shared, always.

What will be in the future? I'm not sure yet. But right now i have happy memories.

Love Makes Fools Of Us All

But it makes bigger fools of some than others.

So, here I sit at the kitchen table drinking my tea. It's my ninth whole day here and so far, well it's been mostly shit.

We started out alright. The first day when I arrived all was good. He was sober, we had a lovely dinner, and then things started to go downhill. He had a bottle of something that first night and slept most of Monday, although we did talk for periods and he fixed me stuff to eat. Then Tuesday all seemed to be looking up. We got on the bus and rode to the police station to register my visa and we were like a couple of teenagers. We stood next to each other on the bus and it was a bumpy ride so I put my hand behind me on the bar and his hand was there so we secretly held hands, so to speak. The way he looked at me, the way he lead me around...it was perfect. But then I didn't have my insurance information with me and we had to leave and would have to go back to the police station by Thursday.

It was terrible rainy weather and he prefers to walk, but he's much faster than I am so it took us forever, it was very unpleasant, and he grumbled a little. Finally, we got to the bank and I paid the registration fee and then he said we should go to ZAGs, the office for applying for marriage, but my feet hurt, I was tired cold and wet and I really wanted to get my phone working so I could text mom and everyone back home. So, we decided that we'd do ZAGs the next day, as we had to come back anyway.

This is where I should have known better. As we were walking we came to a store that sells Kristall, a high quality brand of vodka made here in Belarus. He said he wanted to get some for me to try. I said I don't think that's a good idea. I said I'm afraid the same thing as last time will happen. Of course he said it wouldn't. Did I know better, yes. I thought, ok, it will be a little test. So we went in, got vodka, and I got some champagne to drink because I love Soviet Champagne. Then we went to MTS so I could take care of my phone and he went out to smoke.

Warning bells were going off!!

Somewhere in the back of my mind I thought, he's out there taking a swig. I came out, we went next door to a store that sells clothing and suits made here in Dzerszhinsk and looked at a suit for him. I thought he was acting a little strange. When we left he said that weren't any more buses and that it was a long walk so we should get a taxi.

We walked over to the taxi stand and I noticed he wasn't walking in a straight line. When we got home, I looked in the bag and sure enough a bottle was missing. I asked where did the bottle go, and he looked at me as if I were stupid and said there was no other bottle, he didn't know anything about it, it wasn't his fault. In that moment I understood that yes, it was gonna be like last time. Offended, he went off to sleep.

Later he of course wanted more and ended up drinking at least half of my champagne. All day Wednesday he was pretty much asleep and I said to him at some point that I had to go finish my registration and that I really needed him to get his shit together. Thursday, I finally got him out of bed and I could tell that he was pretty hungover but at least he was out and we were getting stuff done. On the bus, he said that he had to get off and go help a friend who was an invalid and he'd meet me there. I kind of panicked and thought I hope I can figure out where to get off!

Well, I got the police station ok and waited. And waited. And waited. I only have internet on my phone so I couldn't call him but I could still text like I do normally through Skype, which as it turns out would be pointless. After an hour, the man who we had seen about the registration came out and asked if I had gotten registered and I said no that I was waiting for my friend. He motioned me to come in because they had a short work day and technically were off the clock in ten minutes. He tried calling Alex and all we got was a busy signal. I explained to him that we had gotten on the bus together, that he had gotten off to help a friend and that we were supposed to meet the station.

All we were missing was Alex's signature. Sigh. So we went outside to see if we could see him and the man, Sergei Anatolievich, asked me if I knew how to get home. I said no. He said do you have money and I said yes. He asked If I knew the address and I said yes.He said, come on, I'm leaving anyway, I'll drive you home. Then he said do you have a key and I said no, but his mother lives not far from him, I can go there. He said ok, took me out to the car, opened the door for me, talked to me the whole drive and told me not to be upset, everything will be ok. I wanted to cry just because I couldn't believe how kind he was.

Well, Nina was a bit surprised when we showed up at her house but she took me in and fed me, gave me her key and sent me on my way. When I got back they was in the outside of the door and Alex was lying there on the little sofa inside the entryway, dunk.

I was livid.

Since then he has continued drinking. I know he hates that he has hurt me, but the urge to drink overpowers any desire to not hurt me. Mom has been urging me to change my ticket and come back home, but then a few days ago I got a cold, and now have an ear infection. I don't really want to try flying internationally with an ear infection and cold, and by this point we're looking at probably upwards of at least $1000 to change my ticket.

Sadly, I have gone from hope we can salvage some time together to not caring as long as he leaves me alone and I can rest.

And that, in the immortal words of Paul Harvey, is the rest of the story.

Did I handle everything right? I'm sure not, if there is a right way to handle such things. Am I done with him? I don't know. Now I know that some reading this will be like, what the heck, just dump him, but sometimes it's just not that easy to actually do.

Of two things I am sure, that I love him and that he loves me. Whether the Beatles were right or not, remains to be seen.

Oh, and yesterday when Nina went with me to finish my registration, Sergei Anatolievich drove us most of the way home. There are kind people in the world.

Bump In The Road

Well, we started out really well...

Because of last time, I had this nagging fear that he would be drunk at the airport again, but he wasn't! We had a nice dinner with his mom (though I was a little disheartened when she brought a bottle of vodka) and then talked for a bit before I went off to sleep.

This is where things went south.

He had done really well not drinking for a couple months, and then when I finally got here and we had vodka at dinner, I think he couldn't hold out anymore. Isn't it ironic, that doesn't drink until I get here. Ha!

Needless to say, I've been quite disappointed. But I also know he's been really trying and alcoholism is a dirty bitch!

I've been struggling with what to do. Obviously, there will not be a wedding on this trip, and my first thought was to leave early even though it would cost a fair amount of money, but here's the thing: how can I leave someone I love in the time they need me the most? I mean, if it was cancer and I got tired of holding back his hair while he vomited would I just up and walk out? You may say those are two different things, but alcoholism is just as much a disease as is cancer.

You may think I'm stupid, and I'm not totally convinced I'm not, but I don't think I can just toss someone aside when they are at their lowest. All the pain I see in his eyes, begging for help...I can't walk away from that as long as he really does want help.

I'm still not sure of anything right now, but this is what I'm going with at the moment.

Stay tuned...

Let The Adventure Begin

Well, here I am.

All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go... Whoa, sorry. Just had an Armageddon moment.

Packing was done a little bit ago, and I just finished writing the last of my postcards to be sent. (Check out https://www.postcrossing.com) Now I am taking a minute to sit and relax. 

This moment has been coming for what seems like an eternity. As I predicted earlier in the semester when I thought I would never make it through, I have woken up and thought "whoa, shit! How is it here already???" But I am ready! I think... How ready is one ever for anything, really?

Later today, my much fatter than I had hoped self is hopping on an airplane and heading to Belarus. Not just that, but I will be spending 20 days with my best friend and soulmate. AND I am marrying my best friend and soulmate!!!

Surreal!

I truly never thought I would actually find someone, because I thought I could never be with the one I really wanted, but here we are, 17 years later and we are getting married. I feel so lucky. I found a man who is so kind and caring, so sweet,  and with whom I love to just talk for hours. I could not imagine life with anyone else.

We have had some rough patches, but I think we can build a support system that will enable us both to flourish.

Here's hoping!

Alex, I can't wait to start our life together. I can't wait to be immersed in your love. I can't wait to feel your warmth next to me. I can't wait to laugh and talk and be silly together.

I love you.

One Week!!

Ohmigod! Ohmigod! Ohmigod! Ohmigod!

One week from today I will arrive in Belarus! One week from right now I will most likely be lying cuddled up with the love of my life!

Most of the time I am just super excited, but every once in a while I think "is this really happening?" I mean, I always hoped that I would find someone, but I never really thought it would be more than a dream.

Well, that's not exactly true. I always felt in my heart that Alex was the one for me, but it just seemed like it was impossible for us to be together. And I also wasn't 100% certain that he felt the same way. I never stopped wondering, as I went about my daily life, what it would be like to have him in the car with me, going grocery shopping for me, sitting at home on the couch with me. Now I will actually get to experience all these things.

I think that I have everything rounded up that I need. I have one apostille with statement of single status, one passport with visa, and one birth certificate, just in case. I also have a dress, necklace, bracelet, earrings, hairpiece...etc.

Other than packing and a few last minute errands this week, all I have left to do is wait. That and get a massage, meet with friends for coffee, and get a mani/pedi. :)

Now I need to figure out my hair...