I Feel Pretty!

So, this morning I had an unexpected four hour phone call with my honey pie. I woke him up when I called, and honestly I did not expect that we would talk for that long, but once we got started, we just couldn't stop.

At first, we just talked about random things. Then we started talking about past relationships. He told me that he had run into a couple of his friends not long ago, and that they said they had heard he supposedly had a girl in America and they wanted to see a picture. So, he pulled out his phone and showed them a picture and, apparently, they were impressed. It made me feel good that they thought I was attractive, but it made me feel even better when he told me how proud it made him.

Later he asked me how many boyfriends I had had and I answered none. He asked why and I said no one had ever been interested, and probably partly because when I was younger I was convinced that I was disgusting. He almost got mad. He said that he didn't understand how no one noticed such a good, caring, beautiful person.

Let me just say this is where I melted. Into a pile of mush.

Yeah, we have issues, but it's clear that he really loves me. And he says the sweetest things, not even trying to.

I felt pretty good when I went to work today.

Kinda gooey on the inside. :)

Craptinuous!

The crap continued.

Wow! It's been awhile. . .

I wrote in a previous post that I hadn't heard from my fiancé for two days. I finally got ahold of him. We talked briefly, then a day later he called me. We had a nice chat as he was going somewhere and I felt relieved.

And then, I didn't hear from him for another four days. I didn't know what to think. I texted everyday. I called everyday. And finally one day he answered, but he had just laid down and fallen asleep. I agreed to call back the next day. I think it was actually two days before I then got a hold of him again. I found out that he had been very ill.

Communication has really been non-exsistent since then.

My dad came out to visit on Thanksgiving and I was really glad to see him, but unfortunately I got a little overwhelmed between communication issues with my honey bunches, getting dad back and forth between our place and my brother's, and the stress of starting a new job. I got a little crabby, and at one point, just had to break down and let it all out.

Then I felt better.

I spent four hours on the phone with my guy today, and it was good. It wasn't great--he was kind of nostalgic and sad--but I was glad to finally get to talk to him.

On the bright side, I am in my third week at my new job and I love it! Love.it.

So, I think things are starting to work themselves out, there were just some pretty big bumps along the way.

I Got A Job!

I got a job! I got a job! Take a good look at me cuz I got a flippin' job!

OK, so it's quite the equivalent to "I'm On a Boat" but ya know.

So yeah, I got a job offer today. I feel really good about the place. It's part-time, but I just felt so good about the people and the place. Thy are excited to have me and I am excited to work with them.

Woot!

So, I've been dancing around the apartment today singing and feeling pretty pleased with myself!

*Don't listen if you are offended by naughty words.

Damn it feels good!

via GIPHY

Stupid Crappy Week

This week has just been stupid and crappy!

First there was the election. I wanted neither candidate, but Trump? Ugh. I've been feeling like the sky is falling. The morning after the election I felt like I was waking up the morning after the apocalypse.

But this is not a political post.

On top of the feeling from the election, I was feeling scared and worried to death. I heard from Alex Wednesday night, and then nothing. Radio silence. He had just put money on his phone so that we could text, and then I never heard anything.

N.O.T.H.I.N.G.

He never texted me, he didn't answer his phones...nothing.

I have been beside myself worrying. But finally I got ahold of him!

He sounded exhausted and he said he couldn't talk now, but at least I know he's okay.

Thank God!

via GIPHY

Different Worlds

I've had a lot of time to think recently. This year has certainly been a rollercoaster. The past few months, especially so. I guess I thought that moving would magically make my life better and that everything would magically fall into place. I'd find a job fairly quickly, because, I mean after all the shit I've been through the last coupe years, something has to go right for me now! Right?

I was pretty depressed when after moving things seemed to get worse for me, and definitely not better. There was a period of several weeks where I really didn't want to do anything, let alone leave the apartment. But, slowly I am getting better. Having two interviews this week helped.

One nice thing is that since I basically have nothing to do, I have lots of time to call Alex. Last month we talked for 953 minutes! And then there were a a period of about 5 days where he had money on his phone and we could text. OMG! So effing awesome to be able to text! To be able to send pictures, videos, and just feel connected.

This does come with a downside, however. It makes me feel his absence even more keenly than I already did.

I find myself longing for him constantly. I think about him constantly. I realize constantly that I have no idea when, if ever, I will see him again. As if by some cruel twist of fate, I have all the time in the world right now to go and visit him, but no money. And when (please God, soon!) I have a job, I will have money, but no time to visit.

Why is it that the universe seems to want to keep us apart?

I think this is why we never pursued anything in the past. When we met, I was 17 and he was 20. It was just 7 years after the fall of the Soviet Union. Even though we had an instant connection, and even though I was in love after about two months, and even though after I left he realized that he loved me, it just seemed like an impossible situation. I mean, growing up in the Soviet Union he never thought he would meet someone from the US, let alone fall in love. And it was somewhat absurd to think that an American girl and a Belarusian boy could make a life together.

So we moved on.

But I... we,  never really moved on.

I was never sure how he felt, he says he didn't realize how I felt, but we wrote letters for ten years! Ten years! A year after I'd been back in the states (always trying to figure out a way to go back) he even came and visited me in Kiev. I received a desperate sounding phone call a while after Kiev where he said to me that he wished I could "be his wife", but silly me, I didn't think anyone could possibly ever want that, and as fate would have it, when I tried to call him back, the call wouldn't go through.

He never mentioned that again, so we moved on.

Then, for a few years I started letters all the time (I still find notepads with letters that I had started, now), but somehow, they just never made it to the mail. I never heard from him, either. Then, in December 2013 I decided that I absolutely had to send him a New Year's card.

And I did.

And I got back the most excited letter. EVER.

We started writing again. I discovered I could text him through Skype, but he couldn't text me. I could call him through Skype, but it was not cheap. After a few months I discovered the International plan for Verizon and signed up. That gave me a 1000 minutes a month to call.

Long story, short--I visited, had my heart broken. We moved forward. He proposed. I visited again. It was rocky, but ended very well.

Fast forward to present...

I have been trying for a year to gather the paperwork to start the K-1 visa process. Finally, when I have everything together, I lose my job. I can't prove that I can provide for him when I am unemployed.

So here we are...waiting...in limbo...again...

I believe that we both needed to grow up and mature before we came back together and decided we wanted to build a life together, but since I am now buried in student loan debt, and even though I would like to go over there, I can't, because if he can't find study work, how am I going to find work that pays enough to make my loan payments. He doesn't really want to live in the States, but since that is pretty much our only option, he is willing to try.

I just feel that nothing works out for us. I feel like the universe is against us.

Part of me is taken back to those early days. Like Anna and the King, we are from different worlds and no matter how much we love each other, it's just not meant to be. (I don't really believe that, it's just the depression and hormones...)

Well, I really hope that a year from now we'll have made some progress. I'm not getting any younger.

Looking Up?

Can I just say how fast time flies when you have "nothing" to do?

Wow, time just flies. I seem to keep pretty busy teaching my class, searching and applying for jobs, and trying to get things organized. I can't believe it is almost the end of October. As I have written before, there have been quite a few bumps the last few months, but right now I'm feeling pretty good.

There are some possibilities job wise, including one that I applied for and felt really good about in the spring, and I actually have an interview scheduled for a part time position in a couple weeks. I've also had increased interactions with some online friends which have made me feel good.

On top of that, Alex has again been able to put money on his phone so we can text one another, and we have been actually talking a lot, too!

I'm still really missing people that I "left behind", but I am feeling less hopeless and starting to develop a bit of a routine. We've always been getting out more, shopping, hanging with my brother, etc. And we all chipped in to buy my dad a ticket to come out over Thanksgiving. It will be the second time in the last four years that we've all been together.

So, here's hoping that things will start to fall into place.

Pics from our day downtown with my brother...

Our first ride on the light rail.

Pizza Pedal'r

Tattered Cover Bookstore

A well-traveled cow...

The Tilted Kilt

Scotch eggs. YUM!

Shepherd's pie.

Getting Back In The Saddle

Well, things have been rough for a long time, and I felt like I had really fallen off the horse.

Of course, part of it is the fact that I lost my job, I can't afford all of my medications now that I have no insurance, and I have new health issues that have appeared this year. And it is difficult to eat well when you are driving back and forth across three states every few days. But, I feel like I really let life get the best of me.

I had a few days where I could feel depression coming over me like a cloud. All I wanted to do was sleep, I wasn't feeling well for over a week, and I was just really bummed that I can't find a job, about my weight, and I was really missing Alex. I felt like moving to Colorado was supposed to be a fresh start and it was turning into the same old crap.

But, at long last, mom and I, all our things, and both our cars are in one place!!

I keep telling myself that things aren't going to be this bleak forever and that I just need to get back in the saddle. Developing a routine will help me get some normalcy in my life. Eating better will also help me feel better, and will hopefully lead to losing weight, which will make me feel better about myself.

While I can't control when I get a job, I have plans to build my skills in other ways. I'm hoping to do some volunteering that will help me get some experience in areas where I lack. I would love to get some experience in cataloging, archives, or maybe at a museum, so that's what I'm going to try for.

I started to make small steps, putting a few things away here, cleaning a little there, buying some organizational things, etc., and it started to help me pull out of the funk. I also found my CPAP and started using it, which is helping my energy levels greatly!

And the biggest boost was receiving a text message out of the blue from Alex!

We hadn't been able to text back and forth for months because of some unknown problem, but last Tuesday I got a text and was super excited. I couldn't text back at first, but then the next day we got it all figured out and for five days we texted like two teenagers. It was great. It really boosted my mood.

So, while I occasionally have moments of anger, disappointment, hopelessness, etc., I think I am finally finding my stride.

Oh! And I decided to join WeightWatchers again, so I'm hoping that I'll start losing weight again, which will help in many ways.

I'm still a little bruised from falling out of the saddle, but I'm not going to let it keep me down!

*I'm kinda obsessed with my new bitmoji...