Goodbye Twenty Shit-steen

Yeah, there are a lot of negative 2016 posts going around right now, but honestly, for some of us 2016 was pretty shitastic. I, for one, am entirely ready to wish a (not so) fond farewell to 2016.

This year was a roller coaster for sure! I started out the year overseas, thinking I was going to get married, but instead I found myself once more with a totally drunk person. To be fair, he did get himself undrunk and we have a fantastic last 5 days together. When I came back, I had no boss for the third time in 4 years, then my co-worker and bff found another job. In the spring I was just about done with school, and finally had paperwork to start Alex's visa process, and that's when I was told my job was being eliminated. Graduated in May--well I walked at commencement--but because of a few snafus, I didn't technically graduate until August. Thought I had a job nailed down only to wait a month to find out they chose someone else. Decided to move to Colorado, took us a month and four trips back and forth to move, partly because of hitting a deer in mom's car. Got to Colorado and had a really hard time dealing with being unemployed, having lots of feelings of anger and resentment.

But, finally in November I got a job which I absolutely love!!!!

So, I guess you could say that the year is ending on a positive note with the job and all, however, the last two months have been so hard, being so far away from Alex. January 8, 2016 was the last time I saw him. It's really taking a toll on both of us. Thankfully we've been able to talk and text quite a bit, but it's still really hard.

The one thing that brings me down more than anything this year is my health. In February or March we learned that I have hypothyroidism (under active thyroid) and I had to start taking medicine for that. However, a hug side effect from my thyroid not working is that it has become nearly impossible for me to lose weight. And since I lost my insurance in June, I can't afford to take some of my medication. Also, with moving, I don't have a doctor, so it's hard to take my medicine consistently. As a result, I am now the heaviest I have ever been, my blood sugar is completely out of whack, and I generally feel terrible.

However! I believe I may have found a diet (read that lifestyle) that will get me sorted out, so starting January 1 I am going to try the Keto diet. I know, everyone can find something bad about every diet, but this is what I believe will be best for my body right now. I am insulin resistant which means that my body doesn't know what to do with the insulin it makes so it just makes more and more. I have PCOS which just screws a bunch of things up. I am seriously overweight which doesn't help anything. I have psoriasis. I have sleep apnea.

All of those things can be helped by eating a low carb diet. (Relax, I have done my research.) A ketogenic diet will increase insulin sensitivity, will jump start weight loss which will then help normalize my hormone levels. Losing weight will eventually mean that I won't need the CPAP anymore,  and since it is an anti-inflammatory diet, it may even help the psoriasis.

Yes, it's going to be hard, but I think I have finally found what my body needs.

So, farewell to all the yuck of 2016, and welcome to all the new adventures of 2017.

Here's hoping for:

• Getting my body under control
• Getting my fiancé here
• Starting a family
• Many new adventures

In closing, a tribute to George Michael, whom we lost just a few days ago

and another end of the year fave

May 2017 hold many blessings and much joy for you!

Happy Christmakwanzakkuh

I've been talking a lot with Alex lately and we've been talking a lot about the past and the future. It has made me a bit nostalgic, on top of my normal bit of sadness at Christmas. This holiday season is particularly hard, because one year ago right now I was over there with him. If things had gone the way we planned we'd be celebrating our first anniversary now.

It's been tough being apart for the last year, but these past two or three months have been hell. I miss him so much that I feel I might explode. On top of missing Alex, this is our first Christmas in Colorado and I haven't seen most of my family for months, and have no idea when I will see them.

Christmas is on a Sunday this year. That used to be my absolute favorite day for Christmas. I didn't think there was anything better than going to Church on Christmas day. Obviously, things have changed and I no longer go to church, and there is still a lot of hurt there because of the circumstances that led to me leaving the church.

Even though I have a lot of hurt and sadness connected with Christmas, I still love Christmas and have a lot of hope for the future, that it will become magical again for me.

So, my heartfelt wishes for you for a blessed and joyful holiday and many blessings in the new year.

Merry Christmas!

Happy Kwanzaa!

Happy Hanukkah!

I Feel Pretty!

So, this morning I had an unexpected four hour phone call with my honey pie. I woke him up when I called, and honestly I did not expect that we would talk for that long, but once we got started, we just couldn't stop.

At first, we just talked about random things. Then we started talking about past relationships. He told me that he had run into a couple of his friends not long ago, and that they said they had heard he supposedly had a girl in America and they wanted to see a picture. So, he pulled out his phone and showed them a picture and, apparently, they were impressed. It made me feel good that they thought I was attractive, but it made me feel even better when he told me how proud it made him.

Later he asked me how many boyfriends I had had and I answered none. He asked why and I said no one had ever been interested, and probably partly because when I was younger I was convinced that I was disgusting. He almost got mad. He said that he didn't understand how no one noticed such a good, caring, beautiful person.

Let me just say this is where I melted. Into a pile of mush.

Yeah, we have issues, but it's clear that he really loves me. And he says the sweetest things, not even trying to.

I felt pretty good when I went to work today.

Kinda gooey on the inside. :)

Craptinuous!

The crap continued.

Wow! It's been awhile. . .

I wrote in a previous post that I hadn't heard from my fiancé for two days. I finally got ahold of him. We talked briefly, then a day later he called me. We had a nice chat as he was going somewhere and I felt relieved.

And then, I didn't hear from him for another four days. I didn't know what to think. I texted everyday. I called everyday. And finally one day he answered, but he had just laid down and fallen asleep. I agreed to call back the next day. I think it was actually two days before I then got a hold of him again. I found out that he had been very ill.

Communication has really been non-exsistent since then.

My dad came out to visit on Thanksgiving and I was really glad to see him, but unfortunately I got a little overwhelmed between communication issues with my honey bunches, getting dad back and forth between our place and my brother's, and the stress of starting a new job. I got a little crabby, and at one point, just had to break down and let it all out.

Then I felt better.

I spent four hours on the phone with my guy today, and it was good. It wasn't great--he was kind of nostalgic and sad--but I was glad to finally get to talk to him.

On the bright side, I am in my third week at my new job and I love it! Love.it.

So, I think things are starting to work themselves out, there were just some pretty big bumps along the way.

I Got A Job!

I got a job! I got a job! Take a good look at me cuz I got a flippin' job!

OK, so it's quite the equivalent to "I'm On a Boat" but ya know.

So yeah, I got a job offer today. I feel really good about the place. It's part-time, but I just felt so good about the people and the place. Thy are excited to have me and I am excited to work with them.

Woot!

So, I've been dancing around the apartment today singing and feeling pretty pleased with myself!

*Don't listen if you are offended by naughty words.

Damn it feels good!

via GIPHY

Stupid Crappy Week

This week has just been stupid and crappy!

First there was the election. I wanted neither candidate, but Trump? Ugh. I've been feeling like the sky is falling. The morning after the election I felt like I was waking up the morning after the apocalypse.

But this is not a political post.

On top of the feeling from the election, I was feeling scared and worried to death. I heard from Alex Wednesday night, and then nothing. Radio silence. He had just put money on his phone so that we could text, and then I never heard anything.

N.O.T.H.I.N.G.

He never texted me, he didn't answer his phones...nothing.

I have been beside myself worrying. But finally I got ahold of him!

He sounded exhausted and he said he couldn't talk now, but at least I know he's okay.

Thank God!

via GIPHY

Different Worlds

I've had a lot of time to think recently. This year has certainly been a rollercoaster. The past few months, especially so. I guess I thought that moving would magically make my life better and that everything would magically fall into place. I'd find a job fairly quickly, because, I mean after all the shit I've been through the last coupe years, something has to go right for me now! Right?

I was pretty depressed when after moving things seemed to get worse for me, and definitely not better. There was a period of several weeks where I really didn't want to do anything, let alone leave the apartment. But, slowly I am getting better. Having two interviews this week helped.

One nice thing is that since I basically have nothing to do, I have lots of time to call Alex. Last month we talked for 953 minutes! And then there were a a period of about 5 days where he had money on his phone and we could text. OMG! So effing awesome to be able to text! To be able to send pictures, videos, and just feel connected.

This does come with a downside, however. It makes me feel his absence even more keenly than I already did.

I find myself longing for him constantly. I think about him constantly. I realize constantly that I have no idea when, if ever, I will see him again. As if by some cruel twist of fate, I have all the time in the world right now to go and visit him, but no money. And when (please God, soon!) I have a job, I will have money, but no time to visit.

Why is it that the universe seems to want to keep us apart?

I think this is why we never pursued anything in the past. When we met, I was 17 and he was 20. It was just 7 years after the fall of the Soviet Union. Even though we had an instant connection, and even though I was in love after about two months, and even though after I left he realized that he loved me, it just seemed like an impossible situation. I mean, growing up in the Soviet Union he never thought he would meet someone from the US, let alone fall in love. And it was somewhat absurd to think that an American girl and a Belarusian boy could make a life together.

So we moved on.

But I... we,  never really moved on.

I was never sure how he felt, he says he didn't realize how I felt, but we wrote letters for ten years! Ten years! A year after I'd been back in the states (always trying to figure out a way to go back) he even came and visited me in Kiev. I received a desperate sounding phone call a while after Kiev where he said to me that he wished I could "be his wife", but silly me, I didn't think anyone could possibly ever want that, and as fate would have it, when I tried to call him back, the call wouldn't go through.

He never mentioned that again, so we moved on.

Then, for a few years I started letters all the time (I still find notepads with letters that I had started, now), but somehow, they just never made it to the mail. I never heard from him, either. Then, in December 2013 I decided that I absolutely had to send him a New Year's card.

And I did.

And I got back the most excited letter. EVER.

We started writing again. I discovered I could text him through Skype, but he couldn't text me. I could call him through Skype, but it was not cheap. After a few months I discovered the International plan for Verizon and signed up. That gave me a 1000 minutes a month to call.

Long story, short--I visited, had my heart broken. We moved forward. He proposed. I visited again. It was rocky, but ended very well.

Fast forward to present...

I have been trying for a year to gather the paperwork to start the K-1 visa process. Finally, when I have everything together, I lose my job. I can't prove that I can provide for him when I am unemployed.

So here we are...waiting...in limbo...again...

I believe that we both needed to grow up and mature before we came back together and decided we wanted to build a life together, but since I am now buried in student loan debt, and even though I would like to go over there, I can't, because if he can't find study work, how am I going to find work that pays enough to make my loan payments. He doesn't really want to live in the States, but since that is pretty much our only option, he is willing to try.

I just feel that nothing works out for us. I feel like the universe is against us.

Part of me is taken back to those early days. Like Anna and the King, we are from different worlds and no matter how much we love each other, it's just not meant to be. (I don't really believe that, it's just the depression and hormones...)

Well, I really hope that a year from now we'll have made some progress. I'm not getting any younger.