Fortune cookie say...
Friday, January 20, 2012
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Monday, January 16, 2012
Enough is enough...
Crap!
There come times in life, in many different situations, when you realize enough is enough. I am currently experiencing several of those situations all at once.
Situation 1:
I have spent the majority of my life playing the victim.
It didn't start out that way, but I grew into it like a child grows into pair of shoes which are too big. My family has issues, what family doesn't? There are numerous addicts of various flavors and sizes, and in the case of mom and I food was the drug of choice. My parents both had hurtful things in their pasts and really did not know each other when they got married. My poor mom was pretty messed up emotionally at this time, and really wanted to be a good mom. I have to say I never thought of her as a bad mom, but I came along three years after my brother, he might have a different opinion.
Mom always thought of herself as fat (at the "suggestion" of someone close to her), even though she wore a size 10 or 12 in high school. By the time she was a mom, she was overweight and struggling. Looking back, I think she prepared pretty healthy meals for us, but perhaps just a little too much. To the point, I was a chubby kid, but I never outgrew it, I only outgrew my clothing. I can remember getting a new denim skirt in 4th or 5th grade which was a size 20...a woman's size 20. I was the fat kid. Always the last to finish the mile in gym class, often alone at recess, and things only got worse as I got older, eventually growing into depression and emotional eating. Middle school was an extremely dark time.
Habits which had been started when I was a kid continued into adulthood until finally in college I was sent to see an endocrinologist. Newly diagnosed with Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome and Insulin Resistance, for the first time in my life I quit asking why and started to get very angry. Why had God, this supposedly loving Father let this happen to me? Why had my doctor let this happen? Why had my parents let this happen? For years I cried out to God out of desperation that He would help me, make it all better, but things never seemed to change.
Slowly, I grew bitter and began to take comfort in my misery. This is the place where I have been living for the last, well, too many years. I turned away from God for awhile telling myself that He helps other people, but me...He won't help me. Broken hearted, yet again, and hating it, I now turned back to Him and said I don't want to trust You, everyone I trust lets me down. I yelled at Him, told Him that I hated him, then after calming down a little said that, even though I don't want to, I'll try to trust Him, and I'll try to listen for Him instead of ignoring Him when I know He is trying to speak to me. A little bit ago I was on facebook and there were some pictures posted, and I realized...God was speaking to me through facebook. Crap! The second I shut up He does the very thing I accuse Him of not doing...talks to me.
Situation 2:
SWF seeks BFF or Prince Charming...or anyone who will like her and pay attention to her....
Ok, I get a little obsessive when I meet people who seem like they like me and might want to be my friend. Awhile ago, a very bold thing for me, I went out on a limb and got in touch with someone who I thought I might like to get to know better. I actually did pretty well this time! (I was pretty proud of myself!) No obsessing! This is just one example, I could give you a whole list of names which I spent way too many hours thinking about whether it be a guy I liked, or a girl who I thought would be a friend.
What a twisted thing, to long for someone to love me, all the while telling myself I was, and consequently making myself someone who, no one could love (or was at least hard to love).
ENOUGH!
It is time to stop! It is time to quit snuggling down into my pile of blankets: misery, suffering, and self-loathing, and it is time to quit concentrating on the negative! It is time to face everyday with a positive attitude, time to start concentrating the MANY blessings that I do have. Yes, the past was crappy and maybe it's not my fault that I grew up overweight, but like it or not, it is my problem...strike that, it is my challenge now! Perhaps, just perhaps I need to look at this as an amazing opportunity! An opportunity to grow and to better myself. An opportunity that few have. After all, anything worth having is worth working for and waiting for. (Or so I try to keep telling myself.)
As Master Oogway tells Po "You are too concerned with what was and what will be. Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery and today is a gift. That's why it is called the present."
I am moving on. I am leaving the past behind me, dreaming about the future while enjoying the present. There is nothing I can't do if I am willing to do what needs to be done.
I WILL WASTE NO MORE TIME BEING A VICTIM!
And thank you to those very brave and kind souls who have loved me in spite of myself!
Images from facebook...
There come times in life, in many different situations, when you realize enough is enough. I am currently experiencing several of those situations all at once.
Situation 1:
I have spent the majority of my life playing the victim.
It didn't start out that way, but I grew into it like a child grows into pair of shoes which are too big. My family has issues, what family doesn't? There are numerous addicts of various flavors and sizes, and in the case of mom and I food was the drug of choice. My parents both had hurtful things in their pasts and really did not know each other when they got married. My poor mom was pretty messed up emotionally at this time, and really wanted to be a good mom. I have to say I never thought of her as a bad mom, but I came along three years after my brother, he might have a different opinion.
Mom always thought of herself as fat (at the "suggestion" of someone close to her), even though she wore a size 10 or 12 in high school. By the time she was a mom, she was overweight and struggling. Looking back, I think she prepared pretty healthy meals for us, but perhaps just a little too much. To the point, I was a chubby kid, but I never outgrew it, I only outgrew my clothing. I can remember getting a new denim skirt in 4th or 5th grade which was a size 20...a woman's size 20. I was the fat kid. Always the last to finish the mile in gym class, often alone at recess, and things only got worse as I got older, eventually growing into depression and emotional eating. Middle school was an extremely dark time.
Habits which had been started when I was a kid continued into adulthood until finally in college I was sent to see an endocrinologist. Newly diagnosed with Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome and Insulin Resistance, for the first time in my life I quit asking why and started to get very angry. Why had God, this supposedly loving Father let this happen to me? Why had my doctor let this happen? Why had my parents let this happen? For years I cried out to God out of desperation that He would help me, make it all better, but things never seemed to change.
Slowly, I grew bitter and began to take comfort in my misery. This is the place where I have been living for the last, well, too many years. I turned away from God for awhile telling myself that He helps other people, but me...He won't help me. Broken hearted, yet again, and hating it, I now turned back to Him and said I don't want to trust You, everyone I trust lets me down. I yelled at Him, told Him that I hated him, then after calming down a little said that, even though I don't want to, I'll try to trust Him, and I'll try to listen for Him instead of ignoring Him when I know He is trying to speak to me. A little bit ago I was on facebook and there were some pictures posted, and I realized...God was speaking to me through facebook. Crap! The second I shut up He does the very thing I accuse Him of not doing...talks to me.
Situation 2:
SWF seeks BFF or Prince Charming...or anyone who will like her and pay attention to her....
Ok, I get a little obsessive when I meet people who seem like they like me and might want to be my friend. Awhile ago, a very bold thing for me, I went out on a limb and got in touch with someone who I thought I might like to get to know better. I actually did pretty well this time! (I was pretty proud of myself!) No obsessing! This is just one example, I could give you a whole list of names which I spent way too many hours thinking about whether it be a guy I liked, or a girl who I thought would be a friend.
What a twisted thing, to long for someone to love me, all the while telling myself I was, and consequently making myself someone who, no one could love (or was at least hard to love).
ENOUGH!
It is time to stop! It is time to quit snuggling down into my pile of blankets: misery, suffering, and self-loathing, and it is time to quit concentrating on the negative! It is time to face everyday with a positive attitude, time to start concentrating the MANY blessings that I do have. Yes, the past was crappy and maybe it's not my fault that I grew up overweight, but like it or not, it is my problem...strike that, it is my challenge now! Perhaps, just perhaps I need to look at this as an amazing opportunity! An opportunity to grow and to better myself. An opportunity that few have. After all, anything worth having is worth working for and waiting for. (Or so I try to keep telling myself.)
As Master Oogway tells Po "You are too concerned with what was and what will be. Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery and today is a gift. That's why it is called the present."
I am moving on. I am leaving the past behind me, dreaming about the future while enjoying the present. There is nothing I can't do if I am willing to do what needs to be done.
I WILL WASTE NO MORE TIME BEING A VICTIM!
And thank you to those very brave and kind souls who have loved me in spite of myself!
Images from facebook...
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Mama tried.
As I sat in the chair in the dentist's office this morning watching the strange driving habits of the people at the clinic next door, good ol' Merle Haggard ran through my head. No, I did not turn 21 in prison doing life without parole, and the impending filling filled me with no fear or worry, though one could say it was the reason for the particular record playing in my mind's jukebox.
Unlike most of my family, I have no wisdom teeth. No, I do not mean that they were removed, I mean I do not have any, thy never developed. I've always gloated (just a tad) about this fact. Until recently that is. I went 25 years with good but not great brushing habits (I brush, just not religiously like some, and I'm not always a good flosser) and had perfect, healthy, pearly whites. Then, 5 fillings. They were inevitable, he told me. My teeth have such deep, em, ridges?, that it is very hard to get all the food particles out. Thus, preemptive, in a matter, fillings. Today's filling was no different, except it was in one of my front teeth (lateral incisor). No Novocaine, by the way. (Didn't feel a thing.)
Back to the point...
Recently, I had been giving my parents a hard time. I went to see the podiatrist to check up on the foot I mashed when I dumped a motorcycle last May and while there I asked why I had such a limited range of motion in my right ankle. He whipped out my x-ray and slapped it up against the light board...ok he pulled it up on the computer monitor, but he looked at it and informed me that not only do I have an accessory bone in my ankle (which only about 7% of people have), but that is was three times larger than most peoples'. So, that's why I can't wear heels. After finding this out I kidded my parents that they thought they'd done pretty good by not giving me wisdom teeth, but it all went to my ankle instead.
They said they "tried", which is where old Merle comes in.
Unlike most of my family, I have no wisdom teeth. No, I do not mean that they were removed, I mean I do not have any, thy never developed. I've always gloated (just a tad) about this fact. Until recently that is. I went 25 years with good but not great brushing habits (I brush, just not religiously like some, and I'm not always a good flosser) and had perfect, healthy, pearly whites. Then, 5 fillings. They were inevitable, he told me. My teeth have such deep, em, ridges?, that it is very hard to get all the food particles out. Thus, preemptive, in a matter, fillings. Today's filling was no different, except it was in one of my front teeth (lateral incisor). No Novocaine, by the way. (Didn't feel a thing.)
Back to the point...
Recently, I had been giving my parents a hard time. I went to see the podiatrist to check up on the foot I mashed when I dumped a motorcycle last May and while there I asked why I had such a limited range of motion in my right ankle. He whipped out my x-ray and slapped it up against the light board...ok he pulled it up on the computer monitor, but he looked at it and informed me that not only do I have an accessory bone in my ankle (which only about 7% of people have), but that is was three times larger than most peoples'. So, that's why I can't wear heels. After finding this out I kidded my parents that they thought they'd done pretty good by not giving me wisdom teeth, but it all went to my ankle instead.
They said they "tried", which is where old Merle comes in.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Made it through!
I really don't know why, but I was nervous about class today. First day of the semester, first class time for a class which is being offered for the first time. Nah! Nothing to be nervous about.
It was one of those days where the hopeless (I stress hopeless) romantic in me longed to have that really thoughtful man in my life send me flowers, calla lilies (my favorite), or a very thoughtful email to make me feel very special and like I could handle anything. Unfortunately, no such man exists...yet. I really would have settled for a note from anyone. "Good luck!" "Knock 'em dead!" "You'll do great!" But, I soldiered on. I grabbed my bag of books and notepad and walked briskly down the hall way. There was a slight traffic jam and I had to fight my way through the hall, but I broke through and strode into my classroom with a smile. "Everything is gonna be great, " I smiled to myself. I proceeded to the podium, logged into the slightly tired computer and we were off....
Things seemed to go pretty well. A small group (8), perfect for my first class, they appeared to be interested and not bored to death. I didn't know how much material to plan, but it came out just about perfectly, much to my surprise. I let them go, just a few minutes early, and cleared away my things from the podium. *sighs in relief*
Whew! I made it through. One class down!...only 30 left to go.
It was one of those days where the hopeless (I stress hopeless) romantic in me longed to have that really thoughtful man in my life send me flowers, calla lilies (my favorite), or a very thoughtful email to make me feel very special and like I could handle anything. Unfortunately, no such man exists...yet. I really would have settled for a note from anyone. "Good luck!" "Knock 'em dead!" "You'll do great!" But, I soldiered on. I grabbed my bag of books and notepad and walked briskly down the hall way. There was a slight traffic jam and I had to fight my way through the hall, but I broke through and strode into my classroom with a smile. "Everything is gonna be great, " I smiled to myself. I proceeded to the podium, logged into the slightly tired computer and we were off....
Things seemed to go pretty well. A small group (8), perfect for my first class, they appeared to be interested and not bored to death. I didn't know how much material to plan, but it came out just about perfectly, much to my surprise. I let them go, just a few minutes early, and cleared away my things from the podium. *sighs in relief*
Whew! I made it through. One class down!...only 30 left to go.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Nervous Norvis
Aaaaaaaaah!
What the hell was I thinking? Ok, so teaching is not completely brand new to me, but this semester (my fourth as an adjunct) I am teaching two classes. This is my fourth class of Russian History and Culture, but tomorrow is my first Elementary Russian I class. I just finished my PowerPoint, but I'm not exactly sure how much to plan for two hours.
Deep breathing....deeeeeeep breathing...
It will be fine. I will be ok. (repeat until calm, or pigs fly, whichever comes first)
What the hell was I thinking? Ok, so teaching is not completely brand new to me, but this semester (my fourth as an adjunct) I am teaching two classes. This is my fourth class of Russian History and Culture, but tomorrow is my first Elementary Russian I class. I just finished my PowerPoint, but I'm not exactly sure how much to plan for two hours.
Deep breathing....deeeeeeep breathing...
It will be fine. I will be ok. (repeat until calm, or pigs fly, whichever comes first)
Saturday, January 7, 2012
W.A.I.T.
I've never been good at waiting...NEVER.
My mother says even when I was teeny tiny I did not want to wait. I like the exciting times, going places, meeting friends, but I have a hard time with the vast expanses of time in between the exciting times. It's hard for me to not view them as a waste of time. Really, that's sad, but it's how I feel.
It seems that I go for long spells of normal life, then have a period of excitement, only to follow that with an even longer period of blaaaah! You're thinking to yourself, that sounds like my life, everyone feels like that. I get that, but, no offense, I don't have to deal with your life, only mine. I realize that life is a mixture of ups and down, high and lows, and that a person could not constantly live on the highs in life, but I'd just like a better balance...a few more highs. Am I being selfish and unrealistic? Probably.
Anyone who knows me very well knows that I can get a little, well, um, obsessed. Unfortunately, there are more times than I care to remember when someone was nice back to me and I thought "YES! I've found someone who likes me and wants to be around me..." and, sadly, in these types of situations I have no self-control...nada...zilch...ZERO! I've probably annoyed several prospective friends away by texting them all the time, messaging on facebook, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera...and for that I am truly sorry. I just get sooo excited. I overly invest myself and then wonder why no one reciprocates. (See, no patience.) I can't wait for people to get to know me and learn who I am and what I am like and come to the conclusion on their own time that they want to be my friend...no they need to decide now!
It's really quite annoying to myself that I get so frustrated by people not acting according to my time table and things not happening as fast as I would like. I don't like it any more than the people I annoy do. I think I've finally come to a place which I have been avoiding for a very long time. I'm pretty sure that God is determined to teach me patience. I'm sure it will make my life easier in a lot of ways, but I can't say that I want that lesson or look forward to it...at...all.
Well, I have an exercise in patience right now and I'm doing my darnedest to kick old habits! I recently met someone interesting whom I would very much like to get to know better and I'm trying, so hard, to wait on them, to let them guide things at their own pace. Maybe I'm a closet control freak 'cuz it ain't been easy, but I keep telling myself, it it's worth anything, it's worth waiting for, and if other people aren't interested, than it's not worth it. (Keep telling my self that...over...and...over...and...over...)
So, what do I need to do in order to get this waiting thing down?
My mother says even when I was teeny tiny I did not want to wait. I like the exciting times, going places, meeting friends, but I have a hard time with the vast expanses of time in between the exciting times. It's hard for me to not view them as a waste of time. Really, that's sad, but it's how I feel.
It seems that I go for long spells of normal life, then have a period of excitement, only to follow that with an even longer period of blaaaah! You're thinking to yourself, that sounds like my life, everyone feels like that. I get that, but, no offense, I don't have to deal with your life, only mine. I realize that life is a mixture of ups and down, high and lows, and that a person could not constantly live on the highs in life, but I'd just like a better balance...a few more highs. Am I being selfish and unrealistic? Probably.
Anyone who knows me very well knows that I can get a little, well, um, obsessed. Unfortunately, there are more times than I care to remember when someone was nice back to me and I thought "YES! I've found someone who likes me and wants to be around me..." and, sadly, in these types of situations I have no self-control...nada...zilch...ZERO! I've probably annoyed several prospective friends away by texting them all the time, messaging on facebook, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera...and for that I am truly sorry. I just get sooo excited. I overly invest myself and then wonder why no one reciprocates. (See, no patience.) I can't wait for people to get to know me and learn who I am and what I am like and come to the conclusion on their own time that they want to be my friend...no they need to decide now!
It's really quite annoying to myself that I get so frustrated by people not acting according to my time table and things not happening as fast as I would like. I don't like it any more than the people I annoy do. I think I've finally come to a place which I have been avoiding for a very long time. I'm pretty sure that God is determined to teach me patience. I'm sure it will make my life easier in a lot of ways, but I can't say that I want that lesson or look forward to it...at...all.
Well, I have an exercise in patience right now and I'm doing my darnedest to kick old habits! I recently met someone interesting whom I would very much like to get to know better and I'm trying, so hard, to wait on them, to let them guide things at their own pace. Maybe I'm a closet control freak 'cuz it ain't been easy, but I keep telling myself, it it's worth anything, it's worth waiting for, and if other people aren't interested, than it's not worth it. (Keep telling my self that...over...and...over...and...over...)
So, what do I need to do in order to get this waiting thing down?
- DEEP BREATHING!
- Enjoy the "unexciting" times in life.
- Get a life! (Keep busy.)
- Be ready to grasp any opportunity, no matter how small, to spice things up!
- BE POSITIVE!!!
Hopefully at some point in time not too far in the future, wait will no longer be a dirty word to me. Like a disobedient dog, I must now bow to my master and accept my task, which is, at this particular moment, wait.
*sighs*
Ok, but could I wait a little faster?
Romans 5:3-5
New American Standard Bible (NASB)3 And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; 4 and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; 5 and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.
Romans 5:3-5
New American Standard Bible (NASB)
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Curveball
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