The Countdown Is On!

Wow! Time flies when you have a lot to do and you feel like you never get anything done!

Time is winding down! One month from right now I will be in Belarus. I can't believe it! Tickets are purchased, hotel is booked, and all I have left to do is send my visa application. Hopefully I can do that tomorrow.

My plan has been to surprise Alex on his birthday. Before you say that you hope he doesn't leave town, I did write to his mother and tell her.

I am getting really excited.

Also, nervous.

I mean, I haven't seen the man for 15 years. I'm really putting myself out there, but I think it is worth it. So, in preparation of my departure, some memories, and a video I found with pics from Dzerzhinsk.

Lena, me, Alex in the back, Tanya, Vanya and Kate in the front.

Blowing bubbles at VBS in Kiev.

Group pic in Kiev, the last time I saw him.

Looking Forward To The Gym...

Wait, what?

Did I just say I'm looking forward to the gym?

No, you didn't misunderstand me. I am looking forward to working out. I've never not liked working out, I just never looked at it as something to do to help myself. I mean, it's really no different than taking an antihistamine when you're sneezy. Exercising is taking care of yourself. (Something I am not good at.)

I'm almost done with my third week of my new eating habits. I have pretty much cut out the processed food and I have seriously cut down on the simple carbs. Most days I have meat and cheese and veggies for lunch, no bread. Don't need it. And though I don't eat it most of the time, that doesn't mean that I can't. Tonight, for example, I had a tuna melt. Mmmm, mmmm, good.

To go with my new eating habits, I have been going to the gym with my fantastic co-worker and BFF Jazz. We went together Monday and did mostly cardio, I went myself Tuesday because she was at work, we met again Wednesday for more cardio and a few weights, and tonight we did yoga.

Oh.my.god.

I am fairly certain that yoga was invented as a form of torture.

One hour of torture.

I did the best I could. It was really hard on my knees, and I have trouble sitting on the floor. And it hurt my hands to put all that pressure on them, but by golly, I did the best I could. I didn't even think about how I looked because pretty much the only thing crossing my mind was "shit this hurts, shit this hurts, I'm going to fall over."

I am not deterred, though I am very sore. Very.sore. The only way it will get better is if I keep at it.

Thank god it's only twice a week...

Seeing Clearly

Ha!

I'm feeling like pretty tough stuff right now! I decided after a lot of research, trials and errors, that I wanted to try to eat as cleanly as possible. I am addicted to carbs, and for my PCOS, I think it will be good to control not only the carbs, but the chemicals and hormones and such that I put into my body. So, since Monday I have been eating fruits, veggies (except starchy ones like corn and potatoes), good fats, and protein. It has gone surprisingly well! I have gotten a little tired of green beans, but I am down 7.5 pounds over the last two weeks.

Now I am going to add back in complex carbs and try to keep simple carbs and highly processed foods to minimum. I think I am going to feel so good once I don't have all that sugar coursing through my veins. I already feel pretty great! This week was easier than I thought--I was surprised by the fact that by eating proteins and good fats I wasn't hungry, even though I ended up eating way less calories. (One or two days I actually ate half of my WW points!)

I am feeling confident! I have never felt so confident!!!

I feel like I am on the right path health wise, but I also feel like I am on the right track in other areas of my life. I now know that I must go to Belarus. I must do whatever it takes to be together with Alex. As I've been re-reading my journal I remembered all the things I pushed out of my brain (purely self-preservation) about how he made me laugh, smile, and feel like me. 16 years ago I just thought that it wasn't meant to be and that there was nothing I could do. I now know better. I don't know how, when, where, etc., but I know that I have to figure it out somehow.

I've never seen so clearly!

Ha!

Hang in there love! I'll move oceans if I have to!

On the Right Path

So, this is what that feels like...

For a good portion of my life I have felt lost, adrift. I had all these big dreams, but no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't seem to reach them. I reached some smaller dreams, but the ones my should ached for just seemed to elude me.

For example, I've always dreamed of being a writer. That has yet to happen, but to be honest, I haven't given it much effort.

One of the deepest desires of my heart has been to find a great guy, get married and start a family. For years I have agonized about it. I think to myself, ok, so I haven't found someone to date steadily and I can be ok with that, but it hurts terribly that there has not (that I know of) been anyone even interested.

Well, it may turn out that 15 years ago I said goodbye to the love of my life.

When I was a young 17 year old exchange student I was 100 percent certain that I had found my soulmate. A young man who made me laugh, knew how to make me smile, always had kind words for me, and always made me feel like myself. I could feel that there was a deeper bond there, one that transcended mere words, because we always understood each other even when language failed.

When I left that cold January day I honestly never thought I would see him again.

I hoped and dreamt I would, but inside I felt like Anna and the King--two people from very different worlds who can just never be together. (I know...DRAMA QuEeN!) I was thrilled to see him again the next summer in Kiev and we wrote letters back and forth for years. My heart always new that it wanted him, but it just didn't seem likely. He didn't want to come here, I didn't want to stay there. Over the years I even began to doubt tat he ever really cared for me that much.

Then one day, one fateful day I sent a Christmas card, and the next thing you know, it's a year later and we are trying to get him a visa to come here.

I've been reading old journal entries from our time together in Belarus and I had forgotten how much we laughed, how much we walked and talked. Especially now after reading my journal, I feel like my life is really on the right track. I have decided that I simply have to go see him. I have to see him face to face after all these years and then find out if we take a chance.

I just know that this is right. I just feel that I have finally found my way.

This Will Be MY Year!

Thinking about my life and my dreams, and especially about possibly being with my guy again, this song just keeps running through my head.

Yes, this will be MY year!

I'm am so going to own this year!

Another Auld Lang Syne...

Here it is, another year come and gone. Time again for reflection.

I cannot say that I am all that sad to see 2014 go. This has truly been a year for trials. The year started with a new boss and the challenges that new staff, especially new management staff, brings. On top of regular work stress, I switched to a half online/half in class version of the class I've been teaching. Then, the end of March was the whole scary ordeal with my dad and his emergency brain surgery.

This fall semester was murder! I could hardly keep up with all my coursework and was so stressed by the end of the semester I was certain I needed to commit myself. It has taken me a week and a half to get all the weariness and stress out of my system and i have been a little frustrated with myself that I have not been "tough enough" and done more. (Honestly, no one is harder on me than I am.)

But, 2014 has not been all bad.

The end of July I was able to take a class in Edinburgh, Scotland. After my two-week class, mom came over and joined me for a noter week. We stayed at Dalkeith Palace, took a Highland tour, took a train down to London and spent the night, then spent 5 wonderful days in Ireland.

There has also been one other good thing to come out of this year. About this time last year I decided I had to send something to a very special friend in Belarus. (We've been pen pals since I came home from there in 1999, but for several years letters hadn't gotten through.) Honestly, I was head over heels when I was in Belarus, but I was never sure that he felt more than friendship. Well, I sent a Christmas card last year and got quite the response. We have been writing letters back and forth like crazy this year and are trying to find a way to get him here. For the first tim n my life I actually consider myself in a relationship!

So, what have I learned this year?

I've learned that you never know when someone might not be there anymore, and that you should always make sure those you love know it!

I've learned that I need to take care of me. I need to be as forgiving of myself as I am of others. I need to eat healthily and exercise because it will help me.

I've learned that I am super strong, a great leader, and a caring, intelligent person.

And I am learning that it doesn't matter what others think, I am enough, and I am worthwhile.

In the new year I am going to try and take it easier on myself. I'm going to try and find ways of easing the stress. And I'm going to get healthy!!!

Here's looking to a new year, a new beginning. May it hold new adventures, love, joy and rich blessings!

Missing the Hee-lands

I still have to finish blogging about my time in Scotland, but I have been missing it terrible lately. Never has a place gotten so under my skin. So, for a wee bit o' nostalgia--some photos and a song.

And a song...