I've Come A Long Way Baby

I was sitting on my bed finishing my tea before going to sleep the other night and I felt a little swell of emotion. Life has been rough for awhile now, and I realized that I never cried after the MRSA or the car accident. Wow! As I sat there, I thought to myself, "self, you've come a long way."

In the past I would get so overwhelmed, even with fairly small things, but apparently I am becoming desensitized. Actually, I choose to believe I am becoming a more solid person, and someone who gets less flustered when life keeps pelting her with lemons.

I have never enjoyed being the hyper emotional person that I am, but I know that it is part of what makes me so compassionate and empathetic. I don't want to lose that, but it wouldn't be a bad thing to not be constantly falling apart.

As I sat there, I was proud of myself at how well I have handled things as of late. Instead of my world falling apart, I get mad, bitch about it, and decide that there's no point in letting it ruin my life.

Go me! I'm pretty proud of you.

Crash!

So, I got some really good news yesterday and was really excited as I was driving home. I was on my way to a meeting of our little Sherlock club and life couldn't seem to get any better.

But then...

I was driving down Center where the speed limit is 45. There is a drive coming out of the Wal-Mart parking lot and there was a pickup waiting to turn left, and then a maroon car pulled forward. I thought that the person was just going to roll forward to see better, but then I realized that the car was still moving.

I hit the horn, hit the brakes and the car just kept rolling forward. I couldn't completely swerve to the left, but right at the end I started to turn toward the left to avoid hitting the car head on. The collision pushed me into the left lane and the other car up onto the curb a little. That car was able to pull up in the grass and out of the street.

After I got over the initial shock, I tried to pull my car over more to get the rear of my car out of the right lane but I could only move it a little. I felt something kind of snap and it was barely moving. The guy in the pickup truck pulled over and his wife went over to check on the little old lady and he came over to check on me. His wife had called the police.

I was shaking. After it happened I called mom and said "I've been in an accident in front of Wal-Mart. I'm ok."

We waited for the police, got all information shared, got the car towed and then went on to the Sherlock meeting. Karma finally came around in a good way--I ordered a glass of wine and got extra because it was the end of the bottle!

Insurance agent was closed today, so tomorrow I will have to deal with all of that. But the car is all cleaned out and ready for whatever.

Live and Learn

Well, sometimes you do something and inadvertently upset someone you care about. And sometimes the fact that you have upset that someone blindsides you and knocks you completely off your feet.

Today I find myself bewildered. I don't even really understand what happened, but it seemed to have quite far-reaching consequences. Now I find myself so upset that I've been holding back the tears and shaking.

Don't get me wrong, it's nothing life or death, and I'm nearly 100% certain that I am more upset than my friend. It's just one of those times when you learn that sometimes you need to be careful what you say and what you joke about.

It's unfortunate, but people are people and they mess up. I'm sure things will be ok in the end, I'm just sad that a great weekend came to such a sad end.

Reunited And It Feels So Good!

Wednesday I got off work early to drive up to Wisconsin and attend the last two days of the Wisconsin Library Association Conference. It was really like a mini vacay and I wanted to go mostly because my bestie Bob (her name has been changed to protect the record) was going to be there and we haven't seen each other since SOIS hit Washington D.C. in 2013. (OMG! I can't believe I didn't make a post about that!)

We met Thursday morning when I finally made it to the conference. We went to the State Historical Society Tour, which was cool, albeit really warm!!! Then we shopped a little on one of the breaks and hung out all evening. I had to drive back to my uncle's house in pouring, scratch that, torrential rain but did make it back...finally.

Friday we attended morning sessions and then went to check out a store in Madison that had lingerie, books, sex aids/toys, and some cool jewelry. There was a creepy man there when we first got there, and then two uncouth and rather vulgar ladies came in, but it was a classy store with some neat stuff. I got myself a book there that is kind of a devotional like book all about becoming self confident and learning to love yourself.

We went out for fish fry on Friday night and had a great time with Unkie Dave and Aunt Mary. We chilled at home with some UV Blue and lemonade, put on fake nails (which didn't last long) and then went to bed. I called Alex for a few minutes before going o bed, and whoever was recording our conversation screwed up because after a few sentences the line dropped on his side and I heard a repeat of his half of the conversation twice before I hung up and called back,

Unfortunately, Bob's friend and mentor was in need of help, so she left early Saturday morning and we didn't get thong out, but I'm glad for the time I had with my boo. And I did get to go the Harley shop.

Fun time, and a much needed break. However, I am now procrastinating and not doing my homework... :\

Wisconsin State Historical Society reading room

Edith Head sketches for Grace Kelly outfits in To Catch a Thief

Cool Elevator

Tiara?

Fascinator?

Beer being bottled at New Glarus Brewing

Need I comment?

My new "devotional".

Reclaiming Power

This whole getting married thing has made some of my old insecurities pop up. Yes, I know he knows I'm fat. Yes, I know he loves me. There is still something deep inside of me that won't quite let myself believe that fat (for me, does not apply to others) does not mean ugly or not good enough. I just keep trying to overcome it.

I read a post on social media about women who had reclaimed the word fat for their own and taken the power away from others who try to use it as an insult. So, I'm thinking to myself, how do I do that?

The only thing I can come up with is to just start telling myself what I actually am, over and over until I maybe start to believe it. So, here goes. Again.

I am fat, but that does not mean that I am not good enough, that I am worthless or that no one will love me. In fact lots of people love me. And I am more than good enough. So I hereby strip "fat" of all its negativity and chose to see it as only an adjective, and I am so many others:

I am smart.
I am creative.
I am kind.
I am fun.
I am compassionate.
I am spunky.
I am beautiful.
I am awesome.

I am me, and the only one I need to please is myself.

My body may not be what I want it to be, but I can change that. It doesn't make me any less of a person.

So, this will be an interesting time in the near future. Learning not only to love myself, but learning to let someone else love me as well.

The Only Settling Here Is My Fanny...

The other day a post from Plus Model Magazine came across my Facebook feed. 

It was one of those times when your internal zinger goes off--like your brain is standing there pointing its finger at you saying "girl, I told you so." 

                                               

It brought back a lot of memories. I don't know if anyone ever uttered those exact words to me, but I've heard something pretty close. Like the time I was standing on the street in Moscow waiting for my classmates to go in for class and a woman came up to me and asked if I was married. I said no and she said it was too bad, I would never find a husband being so big. And I have such nice skin, too.

I have come a long way in how I feel about myself. I can honestly say that I no longer hate myself, but I cannot honestly say I love myself--my body. I'm working on it. Now I find myself in a strange place. While I am thrilled to be getting married, it is causes a real mix of emotions. I am really excited, but I am really nervous. It might be hard for some to imagine, but we haven't even kissed yet, and I am really nervous about being intimate.

On the one hand I am thrilled that he says he loves me, no matter what my weight is, that it is not important. It gives me warm fuzzies. However, on the other hand I don't really believe him. In fact, sometimes I think I feel almost sorry for him. Maybe it will be different when we are not 5000 miles away, but right now I am frequently really spazzing out thinking about being naked...

Insert rolled eyes, laughs, or other "you're stupid" comments here, but that's how I feel.

So, yesterday on my feed I see this blog post on Plus Model Magazine's feed: My Boyfriend isn't Settling for a Plus Size Girl. Reading was such an affirmation to me. I just have to constantly keep telling myself that there is nothing wrong with me! Yes, I have a few health issues which I am trying to address so I can be happy and healthy, but my worth as a person is not measured by either the number on the scale or the number on the tag in my clothing.

I think that letting someone love me is going to be one of the biggest challenges in my life. I've spent most of it not letting people, expecting that they couldn't, love me.

OK, Alex, bring it on baby. Love me like it's going out of style. And I'll try to let you.

FOOOO!

I've been in a pretty bad mood since Saturday. I talked to my boy toy and I'm not sure what was going on for sure, but I was a little irritated. That put me in a bad mood and I couldn't get my homework going. I wanted to call again on Sunday (the phone line had gotten cut off Saturday) but A.) I had an 8 page paper to write, and B.) I didn't want to be in any worse of a mood while, trying to write my paper.

Writing went pretty well, but I didn't get the paper turned in until a little after 11 p.m. I got to bed around 12:20. Mom had to go in early, and since she still has to change my bandage, I had to be showered and ready for her to change the bandage before 7 a.m. Also, I had gotten up around 2 not feeling very well. So, I laid down till 7:30 and then went to work.

Then, yesterday as I am finishing grading my students' first test, I come across three students who have plagiarized. :( This is the first time in 5 years that I have had this happen. That I know of...

That kinda just took the little wind that was in my sails and knocked it right out.

This week is another screwed up week at work. My boss is gone three days, and today I was the sole employee until 2:00. Not even any student workers.

Some days you just really want to throw in the towel. This would be one.