My Brain Doesn't Know What To Do

Whoa.

Well, after the whirlwind of the last four years and all the chaos at work, with grad school, and now being laid off, my poor brain just doesn't know what to do.

Sunday was graduation (woohoo!!!) although I still have a few things to turn in to be done done. So I'm like yay I'm done, but I'm not quite really done. So there is some let down from graduation, and things are going pretty well with my new boss.

Until today.

No, no, don't misunderstand. My boss is great and I really like her. But she is coming in and cleaning house and I'm feeling sad because I have worked so hard to get the library to where it is, and that is all trash now. I understand, she wants to make a fresh start and have things her way. It's just that it again makes me feel like nothing I do matters or is important.

In my already vulnerable state I feel invisible again. I know people like me and appreciate me, but I see how other's have someone who notices things about their lives and will celebrate them, but I've not had that for a really long time.

No one notices my birthday, no one knows when something big happens in my life, I don't get cards, etc.

I guess it all comes back to the fact that I feel like I don't matter here. Maybe as she is throwing things out I am upset because I feel like it symbolizes me being thrown out.

But when it comes right down to it, no, I will never have the gratification  of hearing "I'm sorry we treated you like crap" and I will go on with my life. I will move on to greener pastures and everything will be OK.

It's alright to be sad.

But it's time to move on.

That's scary.

It's Raining Answers

For a lot of my life, OK, let's not lie, most of my life, I have felt like I never got any answers. This was one of my biggest struggles with my relationship with God. I prayed and prayed and prayed and did all the things I was supposed to (and did not do the things I was not supposed to), but my life had no direction, no purpose. The things that I wanted the most, there was no sign of them every coming. My life has been rough in a lot of ways, but there was never any sign of which direction I should go, if I was doing the right thing. Finally, I just started living and forging my own path.

I had been doing pretty well the last couple years. I was seeing a counselor and working on me, I was forming solid friendships, I was plowing through school and work, and I was fairly happy with where my life was at. I finally found my someone and we decided to get married...life was seeming OK.

Then I was told I was being laid off.

At first I told myself it's a good thing, which it is, but my heart is having a harder time reconciling with it than my head. On top of that communication with Alex has been, well, not great. He's been having a rough time and has been drinking a fair bit again, and I was just beginning to wonder if maybe it was time to give up on this dream.

But ever since that day when I got the news, at every turn I keep getting showered with signs.

My work BFF got a new job and a lot of my favorite peeps were leaving or retiring so there were no longer so many things to keep me there. Later that day I find out my counselor is leaving. No staying because of her. Pretty much every tie to here was broken!

So, I've been feeling down about things with Alex, especially since he was really drunk when I called last weekend, but I called today. We talked and he told me about this last bout of drinking. He said that he knew that he just can't start drinking, and he just kept hoping that he could quit on his own, but he now realized that he can't.

Then he told me that as soon as his mouth is healed (something happened during the drinking binge, I didn't understand what, but his mouth hurts) he is going to go to a treatment center in the capital city.

He's going for treatment.

He's going for treatment!!!!

Wham! Answer.

I can tell you that I am so excited!!! To think that since March 2015 we have gone from him putting some of the blame on me, to him admitting that he is an alcoholic and that he can't stop if he starts, to it is his fault and his alone, and now to recognizing he needs help.

For the first time in my life I feel like someone is fighting for me, fighting for us.

I feel so much more hopeful, and I feel that, even though I don't know where this path is headed, it is going in the right direction.

I guess I just had to wait twenty years for answers.

Emotions Running Up and Down

As time goes on I keep having more emotions about everything. When I was first told that my position was being eliminated I put on a brave face, but the more time that goes by, and the closer that day gets, the more I'm finding myself on an emotional roller coaster.

Because of the uncertainty that I'm facing in my life, I'm feeling uncertain about a lot of things. I've started having bad dreams about work, I have been seriously stressed out the last couple weeks with my comprehensive exams going on, communication has been problematic with Alex, and so on. My life has just been turned upside down and I am so confused.

On top of that, I've packed on about 15 pounds over the last couple weeks. I'm trying to decide if I should do the weight-loss surgery and am feeling really crappy about gaining weight again. Then with all the prom pics going around, and after watching a bunch of episodes of "Say Yes to the Dress," it's brought up a bunch of old feelings and insecurities. I never got to go prom dress shopping, and I don't think I'll get to do the whole wedding dress thing, either. And even if I did get to go, no one carries dresses in my size, anyway.

I feel like Alex and I are never going to actually make it to the same country, let alone actually get married. And now I find myself wondering if I'm headed in the right direction with him. I just want to be able to spend some time with him. I had planned on using the three weeks of vacation that I had saved up to go visit this summer, but that won't happen now. I really want to run away, and pull an "Eat, Pray, Love" for just a month or two so we can be together, but I just don't see how I can.

Everything is just up in the air and I am completely frazzled. Somedays I'm good, and others I just want to bawl.

I just keep telling myself that this too shall pass.

Sigh.

I'm Still Here!

No, no, no! I haven't fallen off the face of the Earth. Life has just been bat-shit cRaZaY!!!

The semester is winding down here at work, which is good, because AAAAHHH!, but bad because everyday brings me closer to unemployment. I have been busy grading for the classes I teach (which I finally, almost, finished today!!!!), busy being the person working in the library, and busy trying to finish two Masters degrees so I can finally freaking graduate! I am pretty exhausted.

Last weekend I had the first part of a comprehensive exam for my translation degree and I was majorly stressing about it. Saturday morning at 10:00 I was to download two texts and pick one to translate. I had an hour to translate and then I had to turn it in. Then at 11:25 I downloaded two questions for the essay part. I had to choose one, write an 8-12 page academic quality paper and turn it back in...in 24 hours!

Luckily, I had my Works Cited page done before I started, so that was some stress off my shoulders, but I had really read the material thoroughly and I was already so stressed out...I was a nervous wreck. But, somehow I pulled it off and wrote a 9 page paper, with excellent citations I might add, and was so relieved. Even though I felt that the paper was crap. I got an email that I would know by tonight if my paper was accepted.

I hate waiting.

But!, yesterday I got an email that my paper had been accepted and I passed to the next stage, soooo this Saturday, I will receive comments and critiques on my paper/translation and will have four hours to write a reflection paper and respond. If I pass that, then I get to graduate!

WOOOOT WOOOOT!

Then there is just the matter of finishing two portfolios, one final project, the translations for my internship from last semester, the paper about the internship process, two cataloging assignments and a test, and a final paper also from last semester, in the next 2 weeks.

No pressure...

The Sky Is Falling!

Today was an unexpected day.

The college where I work has been facing budget crunches for the last few years. The imbeciles in Iowa who call themselves politicians have not given much of any increases to educational institutions for the past two years. Two years ago they, illegally, did not pass a budget until 4 months after they were supposed to. That, coupled with dwindling enrollment has meant bad news financially.

I have been very unhappy at my job for quite awhile. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE the people I work with! They are the reason I have stayed this long. (That and a little thing called a paycheck...) But after the roller coaster of abuse I have taken for the last three years, for my own health, I need to get out of there.

I've known that I really need to move on for awhile, but there have been things keeping me in place. Paycheck, insurance, co-workers, friends, hope that I'd be able to move up, and so on. Well O.M.G.! Just as the flood gates opened when my first boss retired and began to poor down instability and yuckiness, now the flood gates seem to be opening in the opposite manner.

Since I am currently the only employee in my area (new boss starts mid-May), I felt pretty secure in my job.

Then it happened. I was summoned.

I was told that my position was being cut and they were replacing the two associate positions with all part time staff. As much as it was a shock, I really think that maybe they are doing me a favor.

The universe seems to be telling me it is time to move on. First, with the retirement of some dear faculty members, with the news that my co-worker had taken another job, and now with the news of my elimination. Those are some pretty strong signs, but it doesn't stop there. A friend posted a job that would be the crème de la crème for me on my Facebook wall. And then, I got a letter today that my counselor is leaving.

Literally everything that has been holding me here on some level is disappearing. It's like a cosmic tornado is coming through and wiping my slate clean.

And it has been great to have so much support from the people I work with and to know just how much they really care about me.

Yes, it's shitty. Yes, it's scary, especially the thought of no insurance, but I feel that, for once in my life, everything is falling into place.

Well, here's hoping.

P.S. When I got home I saw this in my news feed. Yet another sign?

My Life Got Flipped-Turned Upside Down

So I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there, and I tell ya all about...

No, I did not become the Prince of Bel-Air.

I don't talk about work much and for a reason. So many people just go venting about work not thinking about the fact that people from work can see what they post. I am not one of those people, however, right now my job is a stressful area.

Without going into detail, my co-worker left in April 2012, my boss retired in June, and ever since there has been nothing but turnover. My third boss since fall 2012 is starting soon, and we are on our second replacement for my co-worker.

Of course, on top of this turmoil, I have been in grad school, and now and trying to get a visa for my fiance. You could say I've had stress overload.

I've been struggling with some depression and anxiety for quite a while now, and it was really bad the week before spring break. Things were finally starting to look up the first day of break. I took it easy, relaxed a little, and then I was going to form a plan to get some shit done!

Then, on Tuesday, my co-worker and work bff told me that she had accepted another job.

via GIPHY

How do you be happy for someone and at the same time not let on that you are blindsided and devastated?

It's really hard.

I knew that she had applied, but she kept saying she didn't really want the job, and I never expected her to leave so quickly.

So, for the rest of the afternoon I just sat on the couch--my body felt as if it weighed two tons. My arms were like lead, my stomach churned, and I repeatedly wept. Was I happy for her? Yes! It is a great opportunity for her, but all that I could see is that I was going to be stuck in a place by myself for weeks, with no boss and no co-worker. Again...

Everyday this week I have been slower and slower in getting to work as if I could somehow stop time in doing so. These last two weeks have been pretty normal because I've been able to keep putting those thoughts out of my mind, but tomorrow is the last day.

Tomorrow is the calm before the storm.

I will endeavor to keep my cool and not let things get to me, but c'mon...this is me we're talking about.

Is long-suffering a quality employers desire??

Here's to you friend! Best of luck in your new endeavors!

But I still hate you for leaving...

Kidding! I love you...

But I'm still mad...

Feeling Hypo

OK, I promise that this not going to be another morose post, however, since I came home from Belarus things have been rough. Not only did I not get married like I'd hoped to, I had a lingering bug, a new semester started with no boss, and I am soo finished* with grad school... On top of that I had been feeling exhausted all the time, no matter how much I slept, had no appetite (which did not stop me from stuffing my face because of stress/emotions), I have been moody, depressed, and just feeling like I was about to have a nervous breakdown.

Most of the time I just wish I could be alone because people are so draining on my already drained psyche. And also because I was so emotional it was all I could do to not burst into tears most of the time. I really wanted to quit school (OK, I realize that is not the smartest idea ever, but when you feel like you are going to suffer a nervous breakdown...) and pretty much quit everything.

Then, last weekend I was able to run away for the weekend!

I went to see my bestie and her bean. I hadn't been down for a visit probably since last summer, and was anxious not only to catch up, but to play with the cutest, most awesome little girl ever! Her daughter just turned 3 and it was super fun to get to play with her and interact with her. And I needed advice from the best advice giver I have.

Of course, we also had much needed, for both of us, girl time. Saturday we went out to breakfast at this neat diner and had a breakfast that was way too huge for even me, and then went to get pedis!

I was still tired, but I felt spiritually refreshed after our time together.

Then it was back to reality. And Monday I got sick. I left work early in the afternoon and ended up tossing my cookies later. I stayed home Tuesday and half the day Wednesday. Monday I went in for routine blood work but they couldn't get a drop out of me. I went in Wednesday and they finally extracted enough for the tests.

Since I had been feeling so off for so long, I asked my doc if we could check my thyroid again (hadn't been checked for quite a while) and today she told me that yes, my thyroid is under active. Yes, I have to take another medicine, but as long as I feel better it doesn't bother me.

I'm relieved, really. I'm not crazy. I knew something was wrong. I just hope it helps.

Pretty toes!

One beautiful cabbage.

Yummy yummy borscht!

*If only I were finished. I just meant mentally...