Getting Back In The Saddle

Well, things have been rough for a long time, and I felt like I had really fallen off the horse.

Of course, part of it is the fact that I lost my job, I can't afford all of my medications now that I have no insurance, and I have new health issues that have appeared this year. And it is difficult to eat well when you are driving back and forth across three states every few days. But, I feel like I really let life get the best of me.

I had a few days where I could feel depression coming over me like a cloud. All I wanted to do was sleep, I wasn't feeling well for over a week, and I was just really bummed that I can't find a job, about my weight, and I was really missing Alex. I felt like moving to Colorado was supposed to be a fresh start and it was turning into the same old crap.

But, at long last, mom and I, all our things, and both our cars are in one place!!

I keep telling myself that things aren't going to be this bleak forever and that I just need to get back in the saddle. Developing a routine will help me get some normalcy in my life. Eating better will also help me feel better, and will hopefully lead to losing weight, which will make me feel better about myself.

While I can't control when I get a job, I have plans to build my skills in other ways. I'm hoping to do some volunteering that will help me get some experience in areas where I lack. I would love to get some experience in cataloging, archives, or maybe at a museum, so that's what I'm going to try for.

I started to make small steps, putting a few things away here, cleaning a little there, buying some organizational things, etc., and it started to help me pull out of the funk. I also found my CPAP and started using it, which is helping my energy levels greatly!

And the biggest boost was receiving a text message out of the blue from Alex!

We hadn't been able to text back and forth for months because of some unknown problem, but last Tuesday I got a text and was super excited. I couldn't text back at first, but then the next day we got it all figured out and for five days we texted like two teenagers. It was great. It really boosted my mood.

So, while I occasionally have moments of anger, disappointment, hopelessness, etc., I think I am finally finding my stride.

Oh! And I decided to join WeightWatchers again, so I'm hoping that I'll start losing weight again, which will help in many ways.

I'm still a little bruised from falling out of the saddle, but I'm not going to let it keep me down!

*I'm kinda obsessed with my new bitmoji...

A Ton Of Crap

I, like many people, have sat on my couch for many hours gawking at tv shows about hoarders, thinking to myself "OK, I need to get rid of some stuff, but thank God that's not me." Well, I think it really is me.

As I have said in previous posts, this move has been rough. The full gravity of the situation has finally set in.

The first try, we just weren't ready. We loaded the truck with as much as we could, and knew that we'd have to come back. We threw out about a half ton of junk (literally), donated numerous car loads of books, clothes, and other items to Goodwill, and sold a bunch of furniture and odds and ends. When we came back the first time, we got a small truck, and filled it fairly full, threw out a bunch of stuff, donated some more, played chicken with a deer (we both lost), and drove back to the new place. Even without the accident, we would not have been able to finish this time either.

We drove back, with a pickup truck...filled it...still not done.

Our poor landlord--she has been so gracious, but we just needed everything to be out and get them the keys so they can sell the house. So we decided to drive back on Friday (not excited to drive on Labor Day weekend) and work Saturday and Sunday, pick up mom's car and drive back for good. I suggested the we drive back on Thursday and miss some holiday traffic, and have an extra day to work. It was a good thing we did.

We walked into the kitchen so hear water running and see it all over the kitchen floor.

via GIPHY

The ceiling was dripping from several places, the corner cupboard was full of water, there was water all over the floor. We ran upstairs to check the upstairs bathroom and there is a little water on the floor, but not a whole lot. We turn the water to the toilet off. There had been water in the basement, it was still trickling down the main pipe.

PANIC.

We finally got ahold of someone at the Water Works to help us figure out how to turn the water off to the house. It kept leaking for a day, but we finally got it stopped.

So, once we got that cleaned up a little, we were able to get down to business. The trailer we rented the previous weekend for trash was still there and we kept chucking stuff.

We only had a little bit upstairs and then some stuff in the basement. I thought we'd have it knocked out in a day. OMG! When will I ever learn.After working all day Friday, all day Saturday, and most of the day Sunday, we finally got everything cleaned out and cleaned.

I don't know what part was worse: the embarrassment from other people seeing how much stuff we had, the realization that we are really no better off than any of those people on the tv shows (except that we don't have poop or rodents), or the realization that we donated several truckloads work of stuff, sold a bunch of stuff, and still threw away over two tons of old magazines, papers, books, and other crap.

Well, we finally have everything out of the house and are done there for good. We also have a new resolve to keep getting rid of stuff, and really and truly decluttering.

I have a new appreciation for what the people on Hoarders go through. It's truly emotional. You feel disgust with yourself, helplessness, hopelessness, and so many other things.

While I am relieved that it's over, it's not really over. We have stuff at my dad's house till we come back, because after we were already there we found out that mom's car won't be ready for at least another week.

Today we just relaxed. We've earned it. But as I sit here surrounded by boxes, I am anxious to get some order established, and to keep the purging up.

Here's to new beginnings!

Couldn't Get Any Worse...

A couple years ago I posted about how terrible our move went. I thought to myself, there is no way that any future move could ever be as terrible as this.

Man, was I wrong!

Things have been a lot harder than I expected since being laid off. I really thought that the stars were aligning, that I had found the perfect job and everything was in order. So, I didn't get that job, and this move has turned into a nightmare.

As I admitted last time, we are pretty much hoarders. We got rid of a lot last time, but we had a lot more to get rid of. We had a couple sales and got rid of some bigger furniture items, we donated several car loads of cookbooks (mom has a slight obsession...) and several loads of other things to Goodwill, but we didn't get rid of near enough.

And, we spent too much time goofing off, so when we had the truck, we weren't ready. We had some great family members who came and helped us load the truck and keep boxing stuff up, but in the end, we had to leave stuff.

A week later we drove back to finish.

Again, things did not go so well.

We ended up staying a day later than we planned, and we decided to stay in a hotel in a nearby town. The second night as we were leaving to go back to the hotel, we ran smack dab into a deer.

I mean what?!?!?!?

The thing was pretty much just standing in the middle of the highway. We managed to drive the rest of the way to the hotel, though we probably shouldn't have. The next morning, instead of getting a really early start, we spent half the day calling insurance and getting the car to the body shop. So, we are going to have to make another trip back.

Will it ever end?!?!?!?!?

I just almost can't face another drive back.

I'm not going to talk about how this is the worst move ever...maybe then the next one won't be so bad.

On top of all the drama, the semester is starting soon and I am really missing all the people I used to work with, and seeing all the emails and photos from my former co-workers makes me feel kind of blue.

Here's hoping that when we get everything wrapped up in the old house and don't have to drive back any more, I won't feel as blue.

Poor, poor car.

Big Changes Coming Soon

Ehrmergerd, Ehrmergerd, Ehrmergerd, Ehrmergerd!!!!

For quite a long time I have been wanting to leave the town where I grew up, and really my home state all together, but it just never happened. And now that I am actually going, finally leaving it all behind, I'm kinda scared.

It's strange to think that one week from today we will be driving across the country to our new home. One week from now we will be IN our new home.

This new phase is exciting, scary, and seems just plain wild.

Hang on self! We're in for a wild ride.




P.S. I'm really tired of packing...

Yard Sale

I'm sitting out on the porch on a beautiful afternoon while our second yard sale is winding down. I really hate moving. I don't mind the new place to live, but the cleaning and the packing, the loading and unloading... GAG!

Mom and I, after the awful previous move, are trying very hard to THROW THROW THROW! We have donated a fair amount, have sold a fair amount, and thrown away a fair amount. The house is an absolute nightmare right now, but we can tell that stuff is missing.

I started freaking out a little because I got my last paycheck yesterday. I figured I'd have a job lined up by now. Now, not only am I unemployed, I'm going to be living in a much more expensive city and non of my friends will be close.

Don't get me wrong, I do thing this move is a good thing for me, but that doesn't make it easy.

At least I have beautiful weather and delicious Iowa sweet corn to help me contemplate the future.

Enjoying My Last Few Days

Well, here I am on day two of my last week of employment, sitting at home, enjoying my vacation. Last Friday I had a lovely farewell reception and was touched by all those who came to wish me well. I got lots of hugs, cards and well wishes. It was really nice, since I had been having dreams that no one would come.

I don't think it has really sunk in yet that I will be unemployed in two days. I'm in this state of flux and it is scary and exciting all at once.

I'm hopeful that I will hear something about a job soon, but in the meantime I will just keep working to organize and downsize so that I am ready for whatever is next.

via GIPHY

Letters From The Past?

A couple of years ago a friend told me about this site where you could write yourself an email and set a future date for it to be delivered. Apparently I tried it, because today I received this:

Dear Future Katie, 

Here it is, you're 35th birthday! I seriously hope that you have gotten some things worked out and that you are not the same sad, pathetic mess. 

Ok, seriously, I hope that you have been able to sort some things out. I hope that you are able to get over your self loathing and actually see yourself for who you really are. You are great! You are smart, I daresay even intelligent, caring, compassionate, funny, strong, and yes, you are attractive. I'm counting on you to have made the hard choices and lost weight and become a happier person. 

Hopefully, you have finished your MLIS/MALLT degrees. I hope you finished your story and that it was or is being published. Have you met Jeremy Renner yet?
You went through some pretty tough shit in 2012, I hope that 2013 was a year of changes for you. My wish for you is that you have grown more confident, become more organized and have found a few things which you really love to do and can do well. I also hope that you have found someone to love you and cherish you... someone worthy of you. 

Chin up! You can tackle anything! 

Keep being awesome!

This letter made me laugh, but it also gave me warm fuzzies. I was like "wow, I really think a lot of myself." And it also made me sad that I still have not "made the hard choices and lost weight" though at this time last year I was a good 50 pounds lighter.

So, today I wrote a letter to my forty year old self.

See you in the future, self!