An Imposter??

I started a new, full-time position as librarian mid-May and life has been crazy since!! Time is going so fast, most of the time I can't keep up. I mean, today is my two month anniversary at the new job, for crying out loud!

I love my new job. I finally feel like I am where I am supposed to be and I finally get to use my language skills. I work with great people, I have benefits. . .it's awesome. But after about a month I went through a small crisis where I felt like an imposter. I kept waiting for someone to tell me what I was doing wrong, or for them to realize that I wasn't actually all that and a bag of potato chips.

My crisis lasted about a week, and then I was okay, though I still have some doubts here and there, especially with my language skills.

I was really feeling like life, all of the sudden, was coming together and that I finally was going to have everything I'd been longing for.

After I ended things with Alex, I decided that I did not want a "normal" relationship. I just wanted something casual--no drama--and that was going pretty well.

And then, I met this guy. . .

I was reluctant at first, but he was cute and I thought, okay, why not. So we started talking, we hung out a couple times and I liked him. I thought he was fun and I liked hanging out. Everything was fine until one day when something changed. I'm not even sure what happened, but it's like a switch was flipped and I suddenly thought, this is more than just friendship.

That's when my world turned upside down.

I'd never had someone treat me so kindly, say such nice things to me, make me feel so special, or so safe. I realized that I was falling for him and that all those things I'd "decided" I didn't need/want. . .they might actually be possible. I let myself start hoping again. I said to my best friend one day that he was going to spoil me and she informed me that no, this is how I should be treated, how I deserve to be treated.

I was feeling great.

Then he said he was moving and four days later he was gone.

I suppose all girls go through something similar, but I was devastated. Then I was pissed off. I didn't want this. I was happy with my toy boy. I told him how invested I get in people. . . Then I kind of came to terms with it, but I've been waffling since.

I don't know what will happen. I really hope it's not the end, but even if it is, I'm glad to have known him and had this experience. (Even if I believe, wholeheartedly, that I will never have it again.)

So, after getting my hopes up that maybe I would have a family someday, I have come back down and realize that I probably won't. I mean, I'm 37. I have geriatric eggs and I don't have $13,000 in order to freeze my eggs, if I even have any. (Yes, I googled how much it costs to freeze your eggs. . .)

Trying to go back to how things were is a little like having always eaten plain yellow cake and then discovering that there was cake with frosting. Who wants to go back to just plain cake?!

via GIPHY

Stuff Been Happening!!

Oh golly! It’s been quite some time since I’d written a post. I wanted to several times, but at first, I had nothing good to say, and then I had some good stuff, but wasn’t sure how much detail I wanted to go into. But, since I am having a day of rest today, sitting in a quiet house in the middle of Belgium, it seemed like a good time to catch up.

I felt a lot of freedom when I finally said enough and ended things with Alex. It did overwhelm me in a few emotional moments when I wasn’t expecting it, but for the most part it has been a relief. it long after that I signed up on OKCupid just to see who is out there and maybe make some new friends. This brought me to a crossroads of sorts. Surprisingly, to me, I was getting all kinds of offers and I now faced a choice. Up to this point I had lived the Christian, sex is only for two married people, and I found myself wanting to experience different people, but kind of being held back by those morals.

After some debate, I decided that, while I intended to be careful, I didn’t see anything wrong with trying out a few guys. I realized that at this time, I really actually didn’t want anything serious. I was still pretty self conscious and worried that it would be difficult because of my size, but I’ve discovered that when you can comunicate in the same language, it’s actually pretty easy. And fun!!!

Without going into too much detail, I decided, why can’t I be like Lady Chatterley? If a woman likes sex, why should she feel bad about that? Men aren’t normally made to feel bad about their conquests. To me, the most important thing is to be careful, and not shag everything that moves, ha ha. I have to say that I feel so much freedom now! I feel like a powerful woman of the world, and it might be kind of going to my head a little that there are guys who find me sexy. What a feeling when someone delights in your body.

In other news, things at work have been really tense, and my life has felt like complete chaos lately. But, I am several days into my trip to Belgium and having a great time so far. Will write about Belgium later.

Moving On Up

For once, I'm feeling absolutely great!

Man, it was really hard to let go of Alex, but what a gigantic weight off of my chest now! Geez! I feel like I was swimming around trying to keep the Titanic from sinking. Since I mailed that letter I have felt such a sense of freedom and release, and just happiness. I've gotten my bounce back in my step, and everyone is really happy for me.

But most of all, I am happy for me.

I've done a lot of soul searching and confronting of some fears and decided what I want, and that I don't care if it meets anyone else's expectations. The only person in this world that I need to please is me.

So, I decided to get on OKCupid and just see who is out there. I have come across some real duds, some fake profiles, and lots of guys with a much different life view than myself, but I've also chatted with some pretty nice guys. And I have given myself permission to have the kind of relationship that I want to have, whether that be finding my Prince Charming, or a nice ass to enjoy for a while.

I'm moving on and moving up!

Time To Say Goodbye

Ya’ll know that my whole relationship has been obstacle after obstacle, but after being engaged for two and half years and getting nowhere, I decided what I really knew a long time ago...it’s over.

He is a good, kind, man, but it is obvious to me that he is not going to change, no matter how much he loves me. And, I truly believe that he is subconsciously sabotaging things because deep down, he doesn’t believe I’ll stay with him.

I feel a shit ton of different emotions. I feel sad. I feel mad. I feel like a fucking idiot. Part of me is glad that we had what we had, and part is sad that I wasted so many years. And so much money.

I feel a sense of freedom. I mean, I loved the guy with all my heart, but my heart spent a lot of time aching. And like I said, I think I knew it was over a long time ago but just couldn’t face it.

I will always love you, you were my first love. But I am stronger now, and I know that I deserve better than to be heartbroken all the time.  Wish you all the best. Thank you for teaching me what love should, and shouldn’t, be.

How To Raise A Feminist

I have never been one to call myself a feminist. First of all, I don't see the need for so many labels. Secondly, I don't want to be thought of as one of those radical feminists who seemingly want to eliminate men, or at least reduce them to slaves. I do, however, passionately believe that men and women are different, but equal. And one thing the recent political atmosphere has shown is how far we still have to go until there is true equality. I guess that's the one thing I have to thank Trump for...making us all painfully aware of how far we still have to go.

At work I kept walking past the book "Dear Ijeawele, or A Feminist Manifesto in Fifteen Suggestions" by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie. The title intrigued me, but it is also a very short book, and as I was behind on my reading goal for the year, I decided to grab it. I'm glad I did.

I found the book to be very thoughtful and full of a lot of wisdom. A feminist by the author's standards is something that I could definitely be.

The book was written as a letter to her friend, who asked her how to raise her daughter as a feminist. There are fifteen suggestions.

1. Be a full person. (Meaning that your sole identity should not be as a mother.)
2. Do it together. (The father should be just as active of a parent as the mother.)
3. Teach her that the idea of gender roles is absolute nonsense. ("'Because you are a girl" is never a reason for anything. Ever.’)
4. Beware the danger of Feminism Lite. (The idea of conditional female equality.)
5. Teach her to read. Teach her to love books.
6. Teach her to question language. (For example, the word princess implies delicacy and the need to be saved.)
7. Never speak of marriage as an achievement.
8. Teach her to reject likeability. (Her job is not to be likeable to all.)
9. Give her a sense of identity.
10. Be deliberate how you engage with her and her appearance.
11. Teach her to question our culture's selective use of biology as "reasons" for social norms.
12. Talk to her about sex, and start early.
13. Romance will happen, so be on board.
14. In teaching her about oppression, be careful not to turn the oppressed into saints.
15. Teach her about difference. Make difference ordinary. Make difference normal. Teach her not to attach value to difference.

I liked a lot of the insights that the author shared, but I especially liked when she wrote in her second suggestion that the father and mother should be doing things together. Childrearing is not the woman's domain. But what I appreciated most was when she said that we should reject the language of the father "helping" with the children or "babysitting" the children. As the father, he is simply being a father and taking care of his children. I have never understood why a father would "babysit" his own children.

I also liked what she said about the fact that gender should not determine the things we like or the things we do. For example, girls shouldn't have to play with dolls, just because they are girls. And it shouldn't be wrong for boys to play with dolls because they are boys. Girls shouldn't be limited to certain career choices because they are girls. Along with that, men should share in the housework and cooking, and not have to be congratulated for doing so.

There are still so many double standards we need to break. Why, for example, is a woman supporting her husband in his political career, but a man “allows” his wife to have a political career? Why do we tell girls to be nice and to be careful, but let boys run around and wreak havoc? Why do we use words like princess for girls and imply that they are fragile and need saving? And why is marriage the ultimate goal for girls, but not for boys? Why are women identified as wives, but men are not identified as husbands? Why do women give up their names? These are all interesting questions posited by the author.

The other part that I especially enjoyed was in the twelfth suggestion: talk about sex and do it early. I agree with the author that we talk to boys and girls very differently about sex. This boys will be boys attitude is still rampant, yet we tell girls who embrace their sexuality that it is shameful. Why? Yes, girls can become pregnant, but why is the boy who impregnated her any less responsible or deserving of shame? There should not be this double standard. We don’t live in the Middle Ages—sex should not be something that is thought of as shameful. Sex is a beautiful, wonderful thing, but both en and women need to practice is responsibly.

So, maybe I am a feminist after all. All I know for sure is that if I ever have a daughter, I think that I will keep many of these suggestions in mind.

New Year, Not New Me

The last couple new years I've been able to reach down in and get all introspective and dig up some positivity, but not this year. Things have been really rough and I have tried really hard not to let the negative out to affect other people. Apparently, I have done a good job because when I posted on Facebook that last year was full of a lot of yucky stuff, people were very surprised.

This year has held lots of job (searching) woes. Two times I was passed over for full-time employment at the place I loved working, there have been lots of changes there that are leaving me mentally and physically exhausted, I haven't even been able to find another part time job, and so on...

As far as love, I just don't know. I just don't understand what's happening, and if there is actually any possibility that this can lead anywhere.

My weight loss was going super duper until this fall when work and love started getting icky and I started dealing with depression. Life became about living one day at a time, and I just didn't have the mental energy to do as well at keto.

So, this year, my focus is to get back on track eating wise, to try and be sure that I am taking care of me, to purpose to write, and to try and branch out. Mom and I are starting a home bakery, so you never know...maybe that will go somewhere.

Anyway, I'm just going to try and take care of me and figure out what I really want, or more accurately, how to get what I really want.

So, 2017, you can just go suck it. 2018, try to be kinda gentle.

What Is Depression?

Sometimes I see posts or talk to people about depression and suicide. This happens to be a very personal topic to me. I have many family members who have struggled with depression, and several who chose to commit suicide. I know a lot of people mean well, but if you don't understand depression, you will never understand suicide.

One day when I was at work, an officer talked to me about a guy that had recently committed suicide and how it was so cowardly. It was all I could do to contain my anger. This man obviously had no concept of what depression is like and what a person actually goes through before committing suicide.

We all have times in our lives when things are bad, but for some people, it doesn't go away. Sometimes people get so sad and hopeless that they just want to make it stop hurting. A lot of people throw around the word depressed, but so many do not understand that they are actually just grieving or sad.

There is a difference.

The American Psychiatric Association shares the following on their website www.psychiatry.org:

But being sad is not the same as having depression. The grieving process is natural and unique to each individual and shares some of the same features of depression. Both grief and depression may involve intense sadness and withdrawal from usual activities. They are also different in important ways:

• In grief, painful feelings come in waves, often intermixed with positive memories of the deceased. In major depression, mood and/or interest (pleasure) are decreased for most of two weeks.
• In grief, self-esteem is usually maintained. In major depression, feelings of worthlessness and self-loathing are common.
• For some people, the death of a loved one can bring on major depression. Losing a job or being a victim of a physical assault or a major disaster can lead to depression for some people. When grief and depression co-exist, the grief is more severe and lasts longer than grief without depression. Despite some overlap between grief and depression, they are different. Distinguishing between them can help people get the help, support or treatment they need.

What does this mean in less clinical terms? Let me try to illustrate.

A child grows up being made fun of because in some way, they are different. This child is constantly made to feel that they are not good enough, maybe that they are a disappointment at home. Things never go well for them in some way at school, at work, or in some other part of their life. They begin to no longer get enjoyment from things that they once did. They feel like they are worthless, maybe that they are a burden to all those that they love. Sometimes, they even begin to loathe or hate themselves for the pain that they must be causing those around them.

Okay, you say, but that is still no reason to commit suicide.

Well, imagine that your brain actually believed that you were causing harm to people that you loved. Imagine that life hurt so bad that you were physically ill in some way. Imagine feeling like a ship that was sinking and that was going to take down all the people whom you love if you didn't do something to stop it.

It is really hard to imagine if you have never felt it. Sometimes, you know what caused it. Sometimes, you have no idea why you feel this way. For some people, there is a biochemical issue in the brain and it just doesn't function normally. Part of it may come down to genetics, personality, or environmental factors. The point is, it is not something you can just stop doing, or switch off.

Believe me--people with depression would if they could.

Think, for just a moment, to yourself about what it would take for you to no longer want to live. A lot, right? So, before you call someone who committed or tried to commit suicide a coward, think about that.

And for those dealing with the loss of someone, asking yourself why they didn't come to you for help--they couldn't. Most likely, they didn't want to be a burden to you--it's already enough that they are hurting.

What can we take from this? First of all, be kind to everyone because you never know when one mean word, even if it's not directed at them, per se, could tip someone over the edge. Second of all, don't underestimate the terrible shit that someone is going though just because you see no physical symptoms.

In short--be kind to your fellow humans!!!

Also, if you are reading this and you are depressed--there are people who care! Here are resources for you:

National Suicide Hotline: call 1-800-273-8255
Online Chat: http://chat.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx
Crisis Textline: https://www.crisistextline.org text 741741 from anywhere in the US