Get Low

Ok, so I may have had a little bit of a low point the past week or so. First of all, let me just say that hormones are a bitch. I am certain that they are in a large part responsible for the extremity of my lowness.

There has been a good amount of communication between me and my dude about the whole spring break fiasco. I sent him a four page letter telling him exactly how I felt about everything. Up until that point, it always seemed like he was still blaming me a little. However, I talked to him the day after he got it and his attitude seemed to have changed. Gone were the hints of "you should have stopped me" and he emphatically stated that it was all his fault and that he really screwed up. He admitted that he was "a stupid idiot" to which I agreed. (Read more here and here.)

So, I have been feeling a little better about things, where we are at, where he is at, and that I think he has finally opened his eyes to the mess that he has made, and I felt like there might still be a chance. Then, feeling sad and lonely and missing him like hell, I started to feel like it is just impossible.

Even if we decide that we want the same things, and even if we decide to give it a go, I just don't know how it will ever happen. I think about this type of visa, then another, and another, but there is always a huge obstacle. He has no money, I have very little. There are always so many strings attached to visas. And it is even harder considering where he is coming from.

I am trying to remain hopeful and optimistic but at this moment, I just don't see how there can ever be a happy ending.

That makes me kinda depressed. And then after being depressed for awhile, I get really pissed off. And it's probably very stupid, but it's probably the biggest thing that makes me really mad at God. It's like, what? I don't deserve someone to love? You can do all these miraculous things, but you don't feel like bothering with me? My whole life has been running around a track constantly jumping hurdles. Don't get me wrong--my life is pretty good overall and it could be so much worse. I just constantly have a lot on my plate. I feel like all I do is survive.

So, my challenge is, and always has been, to figure out a way to live my life and be content even if I never get the deepest desires of my heart.

Sometimes I wonder if I am just not one of those tragic souls who struggles through life, never really finding what it is they are longing for, but lifting others up and making others better as I go. Part of me is ok with that--kind of a romantic martyrdom--the rest of me is very not ok with that.

One thing I know for certain is that I keep learning about myself and discovering strengths I never knew I had (not that I ever wanted them), and have learned that I am ok. Being an INFP (if you have never taken the Meyers Briggs personality test you should really try it out! here is a free version), I tend to romanticize and idealize love and relationships, have really high, probably unattainable standards, and this doesn't help when you're lonely, but I am learning to be ok with who I am and being on my own. It may not be what I really want, but what I really want is a Jane Austen novel, soooo, yeah...

I really think too much. Maybe I need to spend a little less time inside my head, and a little more time in the world.

Or not.

I've also been struggling with eating and exercising :( which makes me feel even worse.

Thankfully, I have some fantastic friends who are totes amazeballs! Lins is my sounding board and voice of calm wisdom and reassurance (and she has graciously provided me with the most adorable "niece" who I can play with and spoil). Jazz keeps me in line at work and lets me be my extremely weird self without running away (she only runs away with me!). Marie is another calming influence who also lets me be my weird self and runs away with me occasionally either to lunch or to paint pottery. Sharon may be quite a bit older than me, but she is a great person to have a wine and bitch session with, and also provides me with an experienced ear. Jackie is a long way away, but so much fun and her bubbly personality always cheers me up! I can tell her absolutely anything without her even batting an eye. And Kristin is always ready to get into trouble with me!

I love each of these ladies and cherish the diverse backgrounds and experiences they have had. Without them, my life would be very sad! (And I would be a lot more confused and less mentally stable.) I am also very thankful for my supportive family members.

So, I will endeavor to quit being sad about what I don't have, to keep the faith that things will work out somehow, and to live my life.

Turning A New Leaf, Again...

Well, I didn't just fall off the bandwagon, I fell off, tumbled in the most ungraceful way possible, and landed in the mud.

Ever since coming back from overseas, I have been trying to get back on, but I was just struggling so much. Previously, I decided to do it and I did it, but this time I just couldn't follow through. I was thinking about it the other day and trying to figure out why I was struggling so much to get back in control.

It occurred to me, that even though I tried very hard to not have any expectations when I went overseas, that was a great motivator. Maybe the let down from feeling rejected didn't help.  So, I decided that I need to make a list of reasons I need to be healthy, that do not involve other people.

Yesterday, in the spirit of determination to lose the weigh I have gained back since coming home, I prepared a bunch of fresh fruit to bring to work so that when I need to munch, I can do it without guilt. And this morning, I was really on the ball and got to work early to walk the track! (Actually, I woke up at 4:30 and couldn't go back to sleep. And also, the track was locked, so I walked outside.)

So, now, reasons I need to, I want to, be healthy:

1. I want to feel good. I feel like crap when I eat like crap.
2. I want to be able to move freely and not get so tired out. I mean, let's face it, getting off the couch should not be that hard.
3. I want to be able to walk in a store and find clothes that fit. Especially bras... (And why is it so hard to make fat people clothing cute and stylish?!?!?!?!?!?!? I don't have to look like an old lady, for crying out loud!)
4. I don't want to have to worry if I will fit. Will I fit on the airplane? Will I fit in the booth at the restaurant? Will the seat belt fit around me?
5. I want to have a family, and I want to be around for that family.
6. I don't have any major health issues right now, but I will in the not so distant future...
7. I am worth taking care of!

I can do it. I know I can. I have done it, and I can do it again. I just need to focus on what is important, and remember who I am doing this for: me. No one else, just for me.

And now, to leave you with some humor. (If I don't laugh, I would cry.)

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So Close...

OMG!

This semester is almost over! It's so close I can almost taste it!

My semester at work ended last Friday, so that is one thing off my plate. Two of my classes for this semester are over (I have to finish a few projects for one, but have extra time this summer) and I only have two final projects left for the other class.

I am feeling the weight lift off of my shoulders!

Previously, I have given myself the summer off to recoup, but this summer I will be working on my capstone project for my MLIS. I decided it was better to work on that during th summer when I don't have regular coursework. That, presuming I pass everything this semester, will be my last requirement for my MLIS!!! Woot! Then I just have three required classes left for my MA in Russian Translation.

It still seems very far away, but there is an end in sight!

Thank. God.

This weekend I am going up to stay with my aunt and uncle in Wisconsin for a much needed mini vacay. I already feel much less stressed, so hopefully getting out of town for a few days will really revive me.

Deep breathing. Almost done.

Down The Rabbit Hole

Well.

I thought the semester I started grad school was the worst semester of my life. I was wrong. As I am trying to finish this semester, I have been really worried about one class. I just don't know what the instructor wants, and I haven't done very well. Yesterday my discussion grade was posted and I got 50%. I didn't expect an A, but the comment was made that I didn't participate at all several weeks. This is true, but it was when I was out of the country and sick right after. Both times I was in contact with the instructor and thought it was fine.

So, last night when I saw the grade, I was there standing on the edge, ready to just snap.

I get it. Life is not a bed of roses, but someday things have to get better!

I feel as though my life is spiraling out of control, and I am trying really hard to let things not bother me, to just to the best I can.

Le sigh.

Well, here at work it is finals week. Hallelujah! After next Friday things will get a whole lot quieter. I'm really hoping that I will be able to relax and do some things just for me this summer, starting off with a girl trip to Vegas! Woot Woot! My work bff just turned 21 and I feel that it is my duty to initiate her into adulthood. Amiright?

I'm trying to remain positive (all the way down the rabbit hole) and when I am done with this stupid degree, I'm gonna feel so victorious!

Either that or just exhausted...

Either way it will be over.

:-P

Color Me Confused

So, you could probably guess that I still am a long way from figuring out how I feel about the whole trip to Belarus. Pretty much everyday I have a mental battle:

I want to call him.

No, don't call him.

But, I want to hear his voice.

No, you have nothing to say.

I resisted calling. Mostly because I didn't really have anything to say. This weekend I decided to just call so that he knew I hadn't completely given up on him. I was nervous. It actually was a pretty good conversation, even though I felt like my Russian, which I had spoken with such confidence in Belarus, was at 2 year old level.

He was in good spirits, seemed very glad that I had called, and sounded like a normal person, that is a sober person. We talked a little and then he said "you may not believe me, but since you left I have not had anything to drink." I responded that I hoped that was true.

I was glad that he recognized the fact that I may not believe him. I hope he understands that he is going to have to work very hard to get my trust back.

When we were talking I was like, well I hope that's so, but I ain't gettin' my hopes up, but in the days since, my hope keeps wanted to bubble up and out. I keep pushing back down. Not that I won't allow myself to hope at all, it's just that right now, until I get more info from him, I have no idea what direction this might go in.

So here I am, in limbo.

And it's driving me CrAzY!

First One, Then The Other

That is my life right now.

First one foot.

Then the other.

Repeat.

Day before yesterday was a little rough. It was one month from the day I arrived in Belarus and had my fantasy shattered. Ironically, I really wanted to get drunk. I know, I know. Alcohol is kind of the whole problem.

Don't judge.

I don't want to drink my life away. I don't want to get so drunk I can't remember. I just want to feel a little loose for a little bit. A good night, with a good friend and a few drinks--that's it.

Only a couple weeks until the end of the semester, so things are winding down. Two group projects are out of the way and homework is pretty much caught up, so I'm feeling some of the weight lifted. I just keep moving those feet, one at a time.

Try

I'm feeling so many things right now, but mostly overwhelmed.

All I can do is take it one day at a time. It seems like I am never going to get through this--through this semester, through this heartache, through life. But all I can do is try.

These two songs really speak to me right now, encourage me.