Enough

It seems to me that everyone has a theme in their life. For me, the word enough is it.

People often ask me about my tattoo that says enough. Why enough? Have you had enough?  No, I got this tattoo to remind me that I am enough.

My whole life I have felt that I was not enough. I was not smart enough, not thin enough, not pretty enough, couldn't sing well enough, I was a good friend, but not good enough for anyone to make much of an effort for... And later in life, as an employee, I always gave my all, worked super hard, provided superior customer service, and my employer always loved me and the job I did--I was good, but not good enough for them to help me out, or to fight for me.

I had gotten to a really good place, but this last year and a half have been so hard that I have started feeling all these overwhelming feelings again of not being enough.

I've been rather depressed recently, and I found myself returning to old habits. I wasn't necessarily eating things I shouldn't be, but I was mindlessly, emotionally eating. Then I did eat stuff I shouldn't have and felt like absolute shit.  But, yesterday and today I fasted, only drinking some homemade beef broth and I am feeling much better.

So, hopefully, I have the eating back under control, now I just need to figure out the emotional stuff. I have to keep telling myself that  I am enough, that things are just tough out there, and that eventually (God only knows when...), things will work out.

I hope.

What is My Problem?

I don't know what the fuck is up with me today.

Things started out okay, I was a little tired, but I pretty much always am. I got hired at a halloween store, which is a part time, very temporary job, but hey, it's extra money, and then met a friend for coffee.

We are both struggling with some stuff, mostly job-wise, and get together to talk things over and lend one another support. Then I got home and I'm just a morose lump of blubbering-ness.

I am so tired. Not the I haven't gotten enough sleep tired, but the deep in my soul kind of tired. As hard as I try, I just can't keep from ticking off all the can'ts in my life right now. Can't find a job. Can't be with the man I love. Can't go see the man I love. May never have a family. May never have a job I love (that I can live on). Will probably never make an impact on the world.

I just feel like I can't do anything right, right now.

I know that I am far from the only one struggling out there right now, but damnit! Couldn't just one part of my life go well?

It's a good thing that I have today off, cuz with the news of the shooting in Vegas, some disconcerting emails, etc., I am an emotional mess, really jumpy (which is totally unusual), and plainly unfit to be a part of society today.

Maybe I will just go curl up in bed on this cold, dark, rainy day.

When Life Falls Apart

August.

What a month.

August is kind of a big month for me anyways (August 17 I left home for the biggest adventure of my life--being an exchange student in Belarus; August 26 1998 I met my soul mate; August 15 2015 my soulmate proposed; August 2008 graduated with first MA degree, and so on... you get the picture) but then this August, things got a little crazy.

August 2016 we made the move from Iowa to Colorado, and then we found ourselves moving again this August, but thankfully only about 4 miles away. While being less traumatic than the last move, this one was still hard. Even though I know we have so much less stuff now, we still have too much.

So, we found the new place the end of July. We would get the keys on August 16, but we were leaving to go back to Iowa for my grandfather's 90th birthday on the 18th. The cost to fly back and rent a car was too much, so we drove.

I. Hate. That. Drive.

But, we made it back to Iowa, had a busy weekend with friends and family, and then came the long drive home... through all the traffic from all the stupid people trying to view the damn eclipse!  (Our 11 hour drive took 14...)

Then, when we got back, my dad was here visiting, so we didn't really get to start moving until the 23rd. We did hire movers who did most of the moving, but there was a surprising amount of shit that was not boxed and therefore not ready to move.

It was down to the last minute, but we got everything out and then waited for the walk-through with our landlords. We waited for an hour the first time before contacting them and having them say sorry, something came up. The next day we met successfully and handed over the keys.

I've been working hard to establish some order in my room and I am bound and determined to get rid of shit!!! I had already donated one bad of clothes and we had donated a couple boxes of books, etc., but yesterday I got rid of another bad of clothes.

I am just so tired of shit everywhere!

I've recently been reading a lot of nonfiction, which is kind of unusual for me. I read Pema Chodron's book When Things Fall Apart on the advice of my best friend, and I appreciated the wisdom that I found there. Just a few days ago I finished reading Daphne Kingma's book The Ten Things To Do When Your Life Falls Apart and I got a lot out of it. It helped reinforce that we are all struggling at some point, and that there are things I can do to relieve some of the pressure.  One of those things is simplifying my life.

This is not a new concept to me. I started trying to do this a couple years ago and I have made progress, but not enough. In Kingma's book there was a chapter on living simply and one of the things she suggested is setting a goal, such as getting rid of 10 things every week. That's perfect! That is my new goal. I will get rid of 1o things a week until I feel like things are under control. Then, I can reevaluate.

Another chapter was about letting go, and as I am still searching full force for a full time job, I realized how much anger I have from the past. Yes, I was screwed over pretty badly, but what is being mad about it now gonna get me. Yes, it has made things difficult for me for several years, but I can't change it, I can only move forward.

Some other lessons from Kingma are that crying is healing, to get different results you can't do what you've always done, remember who you are, you have to be persistent (something that I'm gettin' really tired of), you need to integrate things that have happened and accept them in order to move on an make things better, we all have a signature strength--go back to it and use it as inspiration, and also if you don't have love in your life...find it.

I was encouraged anew to pursue my writing because Kingma said that most people end up doing, or their dream job is, something that they wanted to do when they were 6 or 7. What did I want to be? A writer.

Something to think about.

And so my fellow sufferers leave you with a quot from the end of Kingma's book:

May the depth of your crisis remind you of who you really are. May your pain bring you into the light of awareness. May your journey through it give you hope. And when you have made it through the storm, may you feel great peace and joy.

YASSS!

WOOOOOOHOOOOOO!

I finally have great news.

We have become increasingly unhappy in our current rental, but I was concerned about finding a new place because, well, we are both working part time. And, if I'm being honest, things have been shit for so long that I didn't figure anything good would happen. BUT! the stars must have aligned on Monday.

First of all, I finally got my license plate switched over and am now officially Coloradan! Then we ran a few more errands, looked at an apartment that was decent, and went to lunch.

At lunch, we decided to go look at these apartments that are about a block from where mom is currently working. I was a little hesitant, but we went anyway. We looked at two of the two bedroom apartments, and fell in love.

There is a dual master layout, both with connected bathrooms, completely redone, brand new carpet, paint and appliances, more square footage, 16 ft vaulted ceilings, and just pure AwEsOmEnEsS! So we decided to go for it!

It ended up cheaper than what we have now for MORE space and brand new stuff!

So, as we are get ready to apply, she tells us that right now the application fee, administrative fee and hold fee (would have been $480) were waived and we would only pay $99!

She processed our application and about 30 minutes later we got a yes!

So in about half a month we get to move into our new place and we are soooooo excited!

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Killin' It With Keto!

I finally have something positive to write about!

I have been very happy with my success in the past 7 months, but one thing I had noticed is that even though I was at a lower weight then before, I was still wearing a bigger size. For example, I weigh thirty pounds less now than the last time I went to see my honey pie (Jan. 2016), but I was wearing a size or two bigger. Clothes that fit well then, were still to snug now.

That has changed!

Apparently in the last two weeks I have started to reshape, and in less than I month I have lost another inch on hips and waist.

All of the sudden, stuff fits! And, an outfit that I had just worn in the last two weeks, was suddenly pretty baggy.

Woohoo! I needed a positive in my life, and I will take it!

Down 67# and nearly 10 inches on hips.

*For more info on the keto way of life, check out these links:

• https://www.tasteaholics.com/the-complete-keto-diet-guide-for-beginners/
• https://authoritynutrition.com/ketogenic-diet-101/

Feelin' the Burn

Okay, so I am totally feeling the burn. Who knew that living at a higher altitude would have such an effect on things?

Okay, in theory I knew that altitude would have an effect, but I still forget about it a lot of times. Like how much quicker you get a sunburn. We spent a few hours outside at the Botanic Garden for my birthday and I ended up with some minor sunburn.

So, while the humidity is much lower here in Colorado, it's been freakin' hot! It's been in the 90s a lot and our apartment has a chiller that doesn't work so we have to have the windows open all the time. Even with the windows open there is terrible air flow, so at the moment, we have 8 fans spread through the apartment.

Ugh.

Oh well, could be worse. 

Puttin' It Off

It's been a long time since I've posted. Things have been really rough, and I just kept waiting to write a post because I didn't have anything else to talk about. That and I have just been too tired.

Sooo, in the spirit of continuing to put off what I should be doing, I'm just making a post of random shit.

Enjoy

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