Monday, July 8, 2019

Am I In A Time Warp?

Geez! As you get older you figure out that the adults in your life actually knew what they were talking about when you thought you knew better than them as a teenager. Time really does go faster three older you get, and you really don’t feel any older mentally.

For example, I feel like it hasn’t been very long since my last post, but it has in fact been three months. Or the fact that I don’t feel much older than a senior in high school or a college student, but in fact my twenty year high school class reunion is coming up in two weeks, and some of my classmates themselves have children graduating high school.

Obviously, time does not actually go faster as we age, so what is going on? Is it the fact that we have more responsibilities, more time commitments? Is it the weight of worry in our lives when as youths we were carefree? Or is it just what Dr. Who said—time is wibbly wobbly and it really does go faster as you age?

We may never know.

I get really frustrated with myself when I lose track of time. Like with my blog. If I don’t do it regularly, then when I think about it I think, oh it hasn’t been that long, I can do it tomorrow. Tomorrow comes and a month goes and I still have written nothing.

No big deal, it’s just a blog post, you say. You’re right, except that it isn’t just a blog post, the same thing happens with many things in my life, and before I know it, a whole year has gone by and I have done any the things that I wanted to, things that would provide me a creative outlet…things that help me enjoy life.

I guess that this is a good reminder to be intentional in life. It sounds so unromantic, but I need plan for the things that bring me joy. I don’t mean that I need to plan my whole life, but I need to be intentional about doing the things, like writing, sewing, drawing, creating, that make me happy and give me an outlet to relieve the stresses of life.

The next problem will then be deciding on what those activities are, because I want to try so many things that I could very easily overwhelm myself by trying to do too many things.

Along with doing things that being me joy, I am also recommitting to my health. I lost 100 pounds and then depression came and pretty much wrecked me. Fortunately, I am doing very well right now, and feel that I have the mental and emotional capacity to lose the weight again.

All in all, life is good right now. I love my job, I have made new friends here, and I have put myself out in the dating world, as frustrating as that is. I am in a good place and ready to just keep making it better.

Sunday, April 14, 2019

Keep Swimming, Just Keep Swimming

It's April already! Geez, how can time go so fast?

The last several years I have been doing a lot of reflecting and trying to grow personally, and the last year and half a lot has happened. I ended my engagement of almost three years, I started dating for the first time, I met and lost someone who truly treated me how I should be treated, I got a new job that I love, and most recently, I got into and out of what turned out to be an abusive relationship...

The biggest struggle I had however, was with my health.

In 2017 I had lost 100 pounds and I had plateaued, but I was maintaining pretty well. Then, all of the sudden I just started gaining weight. I had just started my new job, I was gaining weight even though I was trying really hard not to, I was exhausted and angry and basically couldn't understand what was going on with me. After trying thyroid medicine, we came to the conclusion that it was in fact depression.

My mom was not crazy about the thought of me taking antidepressants, but I knew I needed to try it. And man, has it made all the difference. I am now in a good place mentally and able to function.

I decided to write about it, because I want to help to break the stigma that goes along with mental health.

There is nothing to be ashamed of if you suffer from mental illness. Mental illness is just as real as any other illness. And you don't have to explain to anyone else if you take medicine for it. You do what you need to do for your health.

And speaking of my health, unfortunately, I gained back all the weight I had lost, so I am starting over and determined to get it all back off. And I know I can, cuz I already did. I just have to keep swimming, even if the tide bounces me around a bit.

In happy news, my mom, brother, and I are all moving in together to save money. I'm super excited about being close to my brother! Not so excited about moving, ha ha ha.



Tuesday, January 1, 2019

Looking Forward

Oh man, I have not written a blog post for such a long time. Well, nothing like starting another new year by looking back, and then looking forward.

There was a lot of great stuff in 2018, and there was a lot of tough stuff. The year started out great--I was celebrating the 100 pound weight loss in 2017 and just feeling great in general. But, near the end of January I finally realized that my "relationship" was going nowhere and ended. I was more pissed about having wasted 2.5 years being "engaged" than brokenhearted. That's probably cuz deep down I knew it was over a long time ago. Feeling relieved and empowered, I started to do something that I had never done before...dating.

The day after I decided that it was over with Alex and I, I signed up on a dating app and within a few weeks I was dating. It was scary, but exciting. I was thrilled to know that there were guys out there who found me attractive. At the beginning of summer, I even found pretty much the perfect guy, and even though I tried really hard to keep it casual, I totally fell for him. He ended up moving away, but I'm grateful to him for showing me how I should be treated.

In April I took a wonderful trip to Belgium, Germany and the Netherlands and was able to spend time with old friends, and meet a newer friend for the first time. It was a wonderful time of fun, relaxation, and renewal. And the best part is, while I was gone, I got offered a new job!

It was about this time that things took a little turn for the worse. I started feeling tired, gaining weight even though I was trying hard not to, and as summer went on, the depression and anxiety just got worse and worse. I thought it might be my thyroid, but when we tried meds for that, it was too much. Finally, after talking to my counselor and doctor, we decided to try another medication. And it has been such a huge help.

So, my love life isn't great, the guy that I totally fell for left, and I have gained a lot of weight back, but, I love my job, I love my coworkers, I'm making new friends, and I started a side gig. I have my own bakery!

I don't really believe in resolutions, I don't want to set myself up for failure, but I do believe in having goals. So, 2019, what are we gonna do together?

My wishes for 2019:


  • To continue becoming a stronger, more confident, and healthier me
  • To find ways to cultivate my creative energies and encourage creative growth
  • To grow professionally
  • To read more
  • To treat myself better and not let others treat me poorly
Here'e to a blank slate!


Wednesday, July 18, 2018

Cycles

I seem to have cycles for various things in my life. When I get my heart broken I bawl for a few days. Then I get really pissed off. Then I get depressed and convince myself that everyone hates me, that I don't matter, etc. Then comes the part where I start to accept what has happened. When there is a big event, I am cool as a cucumber at the time, but a week later (or a month, depending on how big of an event and how long it has kept me busy) I have a complete emotional breakdown.

I also go through cycles of being super duper hopeful, followed by times of trying to shut down my feelz factory completely.

It's not that I hate feeling, it's just that I feel things so strongly, so deeply that when something doesn't work out (which is usually) it tears a huge chunk out of my soul. I don't like how emotional I am. I have never liked how emotional I am. I mean, the mountain tops are great, but those valleys, oh man they are low.

It's taken me a long time to work out who I am, how my emotions work, etc. I don't have myself completely figured out, but I generally know how I'm going to react to things. You may or may not put any stock into personality types, but I think there are similarities amongst certain groups of people. I am extremely introverted, creative, and nurturing. My natural state is investing myself completely into those around me, because I see so much potential and I want everyone to (please pardon me, Army) be all that they can be.

My goal in life, my purpose, is to make things better. I want to leave people and things better than they were before. So, I do things to make people happy, to cheer them up, to help them. I want to leave the world a better place than it was. Unfortunately, this takes a great toll on me. And while it truly is a gift to feel things so deeply, to be so passionate, it is also a real curse.

I put 100% into every relationship, everything I do. This is awesome, and you may wonder why that is a problem apart from it making me tired. The downside is that most people do not do this. Most people put a lot of energy into a few things.  Not me. I put my whole heart in, every time, even when I try not to. You can guess how this usually ends.

People don't tend to stay in my life for very long. Okay, that's not exactly true. Thanks to things like Facebook and Instagram, people stay in life in a very limited capacity, but if social media were not a thing, we would still be in touch. What I mean is, the trend seems to be that someone will come into my life, I will pour myself into them, and after a few months, maybe a year or two, they move on and I am left depleted and alone wonder why they don't like me.

It took me a long time to realize that people moving on or not investing the same (ridiculously high) level of energy into the relationship that I do does not mean that they don't like me or don't care. It's just that I care at such a super high level, there are very few people in the world that do the same. So the terrible catch-22 in which I find myself is that all I want is for someone, one person, to care about me as much as I care about them, but it is never going to happen.

Many times in my life I have had the thought that perhaps I am just here to give to others. Maybe I am like a battery charger for the world and I go around charging other up, making them shine, but then that means that I don't get the same thing back. Really, it's an honorable thing to be able to make the world better and brighter.

I dunno, I probably think and analyze to much. I am the most hopeful depressed person you will ever meet! I mean, honestly! How can someone struggle with such terrible depression (at times, not always) and still remain so damn hopeful, even when trying desperately to not be hopeful.

A conundrum. I am a walking conundrum.

Well, maybe life will surprise me yet and there will be a knight come my way, not to fight my battles, but to fight with me, to fight to be together. But I'm not going to get my hopes up. Okay, I'm going to try and miserably fail to not get my hopes up. . . I can't help it.

Here's hoping that someone throws a wrench in my cycle.




Saturday, July 14, 2018

An Imposter??

I started a new, full-time position as librarian mid-May and life has been crazy since!! Time is going so fast, most of the time I can't keep up. I mean, today is my two month anniversary at the new job, for crying out loud!

I love my new job. I finally feel like I am where I am supposed to be and I finally get to use my language skills. I work with great people, I have benefits. . .it's awesome. But after about a month I went through a small crisis where I felt like an imposter. I kept waiting for someone to tell me what I was doing wrong, or for them to realize that I wasn't actually all that and a bag of potato chips.

My crisis lasted about a week, and then I was okay, though I still have some doubts here and there, especially with my language skills.

I was really feeling like life, all of the sudden, was coming together and that I finally was going to have everything I'd been longing for.

After I ended things with Alex, I decided that I did not want a "normal" relationship. I just wanted something casual--no drama--and that was going pretty well.

And then, I met this guy. . .

I was reluctant at first, but he was cute and I thought, okay, why not. So we started talking, we hung out a couple times and I liked him. I thought he was fun and I liked hanging out. Everything was fine until one day when something changed. I'm not even sure what happened, but it's like a switch was flipped and I suddenly thought, this is more than just friendship.

That's when my world turned upside down.

I'd never had someone treat me so kindly, say such nice things to me, make me feel so special, or so safe. I realized that I was falling for him and that all those things I'd "decided" I didn't need/want. . .they might actually be possible. I let myself start hoping again. I said to my best friend one day that he was going to spoil me and she informed me that no, this is how I should be treated, how I deserve to be treated.

I was feeling great.

Then he said he was moving and four days later he was gone.

I suppose all girls go through something similar, but I was devastated. Then I was pissed off. I didn't want this. I was happy with my toy boy. I told him how invested I get in people. . . Then I kind of came to terms with it, but I've been waffling since.

I don't know what will happen. I really hope it's not the end, but even if it is, I'm glad to have known him and had this experience. (Even if I believe, wholeheartedly, that I will never have it again.)

So, after getting my hopes up that maybe I would have a family someday, I have come back down and realize that I probably won't. I mean, I'm 37. I have geriatric eggs and I don't have $13,000 in order to freeze my eggs, if I even have any. (Yes, I googled how much it costs to freeze your eggs. . .)

Trying to go back to how things were is a little like having always eaten plain yellow cake and then discovering that there was cake with frosting. Who wants to go back to just plain cake?!






Wednesday, May 2, 2018

Stuff Been Happening!!

Oh golly! It’s been quite some time since I’d written a post. I wanted to several times, but at first, I had nothing good to say, and then I had some good stuff, but wasn’t sure how much detail I wanted to go into. But, since I am having a day of rest today, sitting in a quiet house in the middle of Belgium, it seemed like a good time to catch up.

I felt a lot of freedom when I finally said enough and ended things with Alex. It did overwhelm me in a few emotional moments when I wasn’t expecting it, but for the most part it has been a relief. it long after that I signed up on OKCupid just to see who is out there and maybe make some new friends. This brought me to a crossroads of sorts. Surprisingly, to me, I was getting all kinds of offers and I now faced a choice. Up to this point I had lived the Christian, sex is only for two married people, and I found myself wanting to experience different people, but kind of being held back by those morals.

After some debate, I decided that, while I intended to be careful, I didn’t see anything wrong with trying out a few guys. I realized that at this time, I really actually didn’t want anything serious. I was still pretty self conscious and worried that it would be difficult because of my size, but I’ve discovered that when you can comunicate in the same language, it’s actually pretty easy. And fun!!!

Without going into too much detail, I decided, why can’t I be like Lady Chatterley? If a woman likes sex, why should she feel bad about that? Men aren’t normally made to feel bad about their conquests. To me, the most important thing is to be careful, and not shag everything that moves, ha ha. I have to say that I feel so much freedom now! I feel like a powerful woman of the world, and it might be kind of going to my head a little that there are guys who find me sexy. What a feeling when someone delights in your body.

In other news, things at work have been really tense, and my life has felt like complete chaos lately. But, I am several days into my trip to Belgium and having a great time so far. Will write about Belgium later.


Saturday, February 3, 2018

Moving On Up

For once, I'm feeling absolutely great!

Man, it was really hard to let go of Alex, but what a gigantic weight off of my chest now! Geez! I feel like I was swimming around trying to keep the Titanic from sinking. Since I mailed that letter I have felt such a sense of freedom and release, and just happiness. I've gotten my bounce back in my step, and everyone is really happy for me.

But most of all, I am happy for me.

I've done a lot of soul searching and confronting of some fears and decided what I want, and that I don't care if it meets anyone else's expectations. The only person in this world that I need to please is me.

So, I decided to get on OKCupid and just see who is out there. I have come across some real duds, some fake profiles, and lots of guys with a much different life view than myself, but I've also chatted with some pretty nice guys. And I have given myself permission to have the kind of relationship that I want to have, whether that be finding my Prince Charming, or a nice ass to enjoy for a while.

I'm moving on and moving up!




Am I In A Time Warp?

Geez! As you get older you figure out that the adults in your life actually knew what they were talking about when you thought you knew bet...