The last time I talked with my counselor she asked me what was stopping me from just doing what I needed to do. I had to think a little. She suggested that I was hiding, that I had buried myself in fat and stuff (which brought great imagery into my head!).
I think it's true, though. The root of all my problems is that I see myself as worthless. (You can shake your head all you want, but being made fun of for 12 years at school and ignored by your family leaves scars.) And because I see myself as worthless, I bury myself to protect myself. (I think I've said this before...) I tell myself that I am afraid that people won't like me, but I am really afraid that people will like me. What do I have to lose? What if I lose weight and there is nothing "wrong" with me and people don't like me? That would mean that they just don't like me! At present I have an excellent excuse: they didn't like me--I'm fat; I can't travel--I'm fat; I didn't do as well as I'd like--I'm fat; my car didn't start... well you get the picture.
If I lose my protective exterior I'll be vulnerable and exposed--like a nerve..
I am, however, at a fork in the road. Either I take the same path I've been on and face serious health issues as I age, unhappiness, all unnecessary, or I take a new path--one towards happiness and healthiness not thinness. It doesn't matter if I want to anymore, I have to.
So, one week ago today, in a bold and definitive move, I joined Weight Watchers online (and made my mother as well). After getting right back up to my highest weight and starting to feel that I'm not so young anymore, I made the decision. I am not going to try, I am going to do. I can do it, if I choose to.
I have found Weight Watchers very easy to use, and I like that I can either eat their food or make something of my own. I also like that I don't feel deprived and I can eat anything, in moderation. One week down and I've already lost about seven pounds. I realize it is mostly water weight, but seven pounds is seven pounds!
I think I can, I think I can... I KNOW I can!