Wednesday, November 8, 2017

Too Much Thinking

As often, no always, happens when I am stressed out and down about things, I start to philosophize. I start thinking about all the things I've done wrong, why my life is the way it is, and why I am the way I am. I've been so frustrated lately. Things at work have been crazy and I've been almost constantly working with very little down time.  I've been feeling very undervalued and under-appreciated at work, and to be honest, still have some hard feelings about past mistreatment by employers. There is an award lunch coming up and it started me down a strange road.

Honestly, I find myself a real conundrum.

I don't know how anyone else could understand me, cuz I sure as hell don't understand myself. I find it odd that on the one hand I hate the spotlight and try desperately to stay in the background. Maybe that comes from years of trying to hide in plain sight so as to avoid as much bullying as possible; said bullying probably why my personal mission in life is to do for others and to make their lives better. But on the other hand, I wish someone cared about me enough to, in the words of Jane Austen, "winkle" things out of me.

So, to review: I don't want any attention or to share anything, but I want people to dig and find it out anyway.

And, as much as I hate recognition or spotlight, I kind of secretly long for it.

I think that I just long for someone to think enough of me, or to be doing something that really matters in the world, that would be worthy of notice, and I don't want the actual spotlight. I just want to matter.

See what I mean? Huge conundrum...
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I struggle a lot with relationships, because when you are a friend or someone special to me, I give you 100%. But that's not how most people are. I get that. It's my personality type, and it's a rare one. But I tend to feel unimportant to others, because they don't have the same (way, incredibly too high) standards that I do. I find myself longing for one person to fight for me as hard as I fight for others. But, I have to just keep reminding myself that I don't mean less to people just because they show friendship and love in different ways.

Oi vei.

I really need to quit this deep thinking shit.

So, I finally have some time off coming up...I think it's time to try and center myself, or something like that. Maybe I need to try some meditation. I dunno. But I definitely need to chill the f@$k out.

If this post accomplished nothing else, maybe you at least feel better about yourself now. :)

Sunday, November 5, 2017

One Hundred!

One year ago today I was a mess. I was struggling with my health, I was dealing with having been laid off and moving across the country, and my weight just kept climbing and climbing. November 5th 2016, I hit the highest weight ever. I knew that I had to do something, and I had been successful previously on low carb diets.

I started researching diets that might be good for PCOS and thyroid, and I came across keto. So, January 1, 2017 I started my keto journey.

It probably took about two months before I really found my groove, but once I did, the weight just seemed to melt off. I've struggled a bit lately. I've caught myself emotional eating a little and had gone back and forth with the same 5 pounds for about a month, but I'm just pretty happy to let my body do its thing, as long as I keep going in the right direction.

I am very happy to say that since I started this journey in January, I am down 93 pounds, and 100 pounds from one year ago.

Feels pretty damn good!

The Coronapacolypse Continues...

I've been home for 40 days now. Technically 42 days because I was off the two days before work closed. This has been such a strange t...