Wednesday, July 18, 2018

Cycles

I seem to have cycles for various things in my life. When I get my heart broken I bawl for a few days. Then I get really pissed off. Then I get depressed and convince myself that everyone hates me, that I don't matter, etc. Then comes the part where I start to accept what has happened. When there is a big event, I am cool as a cucumber at the time, but a week later (or a month, depending on how big of an event and how long it has kept me busy) I have a complete emotional breakdown.

I also go through cycles of being super duper hopeful, followed by times of trying to shut down my feelz factory completely.

It's not that I hate feeling, it's just that I feel things so strongly, so deeply that when something doesn't work out (which is usually) it tears a huge chunk out of my soul. I don't like how emotional I am. I have never liked how emotional I am. I mean, the mountain tops are great, but those valleys, oh man they are low.

It's taken me a long time to work out who I am, how my emotions work, etc. I don't have myself completely figured out, but I generally know how I'm going to react to things. You may or may not put any stock into personality types, but I think there are similarities amongst certain groups of people. I am extremely introverted, creative, and nurturing. My natural state is investing myself completely into those around me, because I see so much potential and I want everyone to (please pardon me, Army) be all that they can be.

My goal in life, my purpose, is to make things better. I want to leave people and things better than they were before. So, I do things to make people happy, to cheer them up, to help them. I want to leave the world a better place than it was. Unfortunately, this takes a great toll on me. And while it truly is a gift to feel things so deeply, to be so passionate, it is also a real curse.

I put 100% into every relationship, everything I do. This is awesome, and you may wonder why that is a problem apart from it making me tired. The downside is that most people do not do this. Most people put a lot of energy into a few things.  Not me. I put my whole heart in, every time, even when I try not to. You can guess how this usually ends.

People don't tend to stay in my life for very long. Okay, that's not exactly true. Thanks to things like Facebook and Instagram, people stay in life in a very limited capacity, but if social media were not a thing, we would still be in touch. What I mean is, the trend seems to be that someone will come into my life, I will pour myself into them, and after a few months, maybe a year or two, they move on and I am left depleted and alone wonder why they don't like me.

It took me a long time to realize that people moving on or not investing the same (ridiculously high) level of energy into the relationship that I do does not mean that they don't like me or don't care. It's just that I care at such a super high level, there are very few people in the world that do the same. So the terrible catch-22 in which I find myself is that all I want is for someone, one person, to care about me as much as I care about them, but it is never going to happen.

Many times in my life I have had the thought that perhaps I am just here to give to others. Maybe I am like a battery charger for the world and I go around charging other up, making them shine, but then that means that I don't get the same thing back. Really, it's an honorable thing to be able to make the world better and brighter.

I dunno, I probably think and analyze to much. I am the most hopeful depressed person you will ever meet! I mean, honestly! How can someone struggle with such terrible depression (at times, not always) and still remain so damn hopeful, even when trying desperately to not be hopeful.

A conundrum. I am a walking conundrum.

Well, maybe life will surprise me yet and there will be a knight come my way, not to fight my battles, but to fight with me, to fight to be together. But I'm not going to get my hopes up. Okay, I'm going to try and miserably fail to not get my hopes up. . . I can't help it.

Here's hoping that someone throws a wrench in my cycle.




Saturday, July 14, 2018

An Imposter??

I started a new, full-time position as librarian mid-May and life has been crazy since!! Time is going so fast, most of the time I can't keep up. I mean, today is my two month anniversary at the new job, for crying out loud!

I love my new job. I finally feel like I am where I am supposed to be and I finally get to use my language skills. I work with great people, I have benefits. . .it's awesome. But after about a month I went through a small crisis where I felt like an imposter. I kept waiting for someone to tell me what I was doing wrong, or for them to realize that I wasn't actually all that and a bag of potato chips.

My crisis lasted about a week, and then I was okay, though I still have some doubts here and there, especially with my language skills.

I was really feeling like life, all of the sudden, was coming together and that I finally was going to have everything I'd been longing for.

After I ended things with Alex, I decided that I did not want a "normal" relationship. I just wanted something casual--no drama--and that was going pretty well.

And then, I met this guy. . .

I was reluctant at first, but he was cute and I thought, okay, why not. So we started talking, we hung out a couple times and I liked him. I thought he was fun and I liked hanging out. Everything was fine until one day when something changed. I'm not even sure what happened, but it's like a switch was flipped and I suddenly thought, this is more than just friendship.

That's when my world turned upside down.

I'd never had someone treat me so kindly, say such nice things to me, make me feel so special, or so safe. I realized that I was falling for him and that all those things I'd "decided" I didn't need/want. . .they might actually be possible. I let myself start hoping again. I said to my best friend one day that he was going to spoil me and she informed me that no, this is how I should be treated, how I deserve to be treated.

I was feeling great.

Then he said he was moving and four days later he was gone.

I suppose all girls go through something similar, but I was devastated. Then I was pissed off. I didn't want this. I was happy with my toy boy. I told him how invested I get in people. . . Then I kind of came to terms with it, but I've been waffling since.

I don't know what will happen. I really hope it's not the end, but even if it is, I'm glad to have known him and had this experience. (Even if I believe, wholeheartedly, that I will never have it again.)

So, after getting my hopes up that maybe I would have a family someday, I have come back down and realize that I probably won't. I mean, I'm 37. I have geriatric eggs and I don't have $13,000 in order to freeze my eggs, if I even have any. (Yes, I googled how much it costs to freeze your eggs. . .)

Trying to go back to how things were is a little like having always eaten plain yellow cake and then discovering that there was cake with frosting. Who wants to go back to just plain cake?!






Wednesday, May 2, 2018

Stuff Been Happening!!

Oh golly! It’s been quite some time since I’d written a post. I wanted to several times, but at first, I had nothing good to say, and then I had some good stuff, but wasn’t sure how much detail I wanted to go into. But, since I am having a day of rest today, sitting in a quiet house in the middle of Belgium, it seemed like a good time to catch up.

I felt a lot of freedom when I finally said enough and ended things with Alex. It did overwhelm me in a few emotional moments when I wasn’t expecting it, but for the most part it has been a relief. it long after that I signed up on OKCupid just to see who is out there and maybe make some new friends. This brought me to a crossroads of sorts. Surprisingly, to me, I was getting all kinds of offers and I now faced a choice. Up to this point I had lived the Christian, sex is only for two married people, and I found myself wanting to experience different people, but kind of being held back by those morals.

After some debate, I decided that, while I intended to be careful, I didn’t see anything wrong with trying out a few guys. I realized that at this time, I really actually didn’t want anything serious. I was still pretty self conscious and worried that it would be difficult because of my size, but I’ve discovered that when you can comunicate in the same language, it’s actually pretty easy. And fun!!!

Without going into too much detail, I decided, why can’t I be like Lady Chatterley? If a woman likes sex, why should she feel bad about that? Men aren’t normally made to feel bad about their conquests. To me, the most important thing is to be careful, and not shag everything that moves, ha ha. I have to say that I feel so much freedom now! I feel like a powerful woman of the world, and it might be kind of going to my head a little that there are guys who find me sexy. What a feeling when someone delights in your body.

In other news, things at work have been really tense, and my life has felt like complete chaos lately. But, I am several days into my trip to Belgium and having a great time so far. Will write about Belgium later.


Saturday, February 3, 2018

Moving On Up

For once, I'm feeling absolutely great!

Man, it was really hard to let go of Alex, but what a gigantic weight off of my chest now! Geez! I feel like I was swimming around trying to keep the Titanic from sinking. Since I mailed that letter I have felt such a sense of freedom and release, and just happiness. I've gotten my bounce back in my step, and everyone is really happy for me.

But most of all, I am happy for me.

I've done a lot of soul searching and confronting of some fears and decided what I want, and that I don't care if it meets anyone else's expectations. The only person in this world that I need to please is me.

So, I decided to get on OKCupid and just see who is out there. I have come across some real duds, some fake profiles, and lots of guys with a much different life view than myself, but I've also chatted with some pretty nice guys. And I have given myself permission to have the kind of relationship that I want to have, whether that be finding my Prince Charming, or a nice ass to enjoy for a while.

I'm moving on and moving up!




Thursday, January 25, 2018

Time To Say Goodbye

Ya’ll know that my whole relationship has been obstacle after obstacle, but after being engaged for two and half years and getting nowhere, I decided what I really knew a long time ago...it’s over.

He is a good, kind, man, but it is obvious to me that he is not going to change, no matter how much he loves me. And, I truly believe that he is subconsciously sabotaging things because deep down, he doesn’t believe I’ll stay with him.

I feel a shit ton of different emotions. I feel sad. I feel mad. I feel like a fucking idiot. Part of me is glad that we had what we had, and part is sad that I wasted so many years. And so much money.

I feel a sense of freedom. I mean, I loved the guy with all my heart, but my heart spent a lot of time aching. And like I said, I think I knew it was over a long time ago but just couldn’t face it.

I will always love you, you were my first love. But I am stronger now, and I know that I deserve better than to be heartbroken all the time.  Wish you all the best. Thank you for teaching me what love should, and shouldn’t, be.








Saturday, January 6, 2018

How To Raise A Feminist

I have never been one to call myself a feminist. First of all, I don't see the need for so many labels. Secondly, I don't want to be thought of as one of those radical feminists who seemingly want to eliminate men, or at least reduce them to slaves. I do, however, passionately believe that men and women are different, but equal. And one thing the recent political atmosphere has shown is how far we still have to go until there is true equality. I guess that's the one thing I have to thank Trump for...making us all painfully aware of how far we still have to go.

At work I kept walking past the book "Dear Ijeawele, or A Feminist Manifesto in Fifteen Suggestions" by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie. The title intrigued me, but it is also a very short book, and as I was behind on my reading goal for the year, I decided to grab it. I'm glad I did.

I found the book to be very thoughtful and full of a lot of wisdom. A feminist by the author's standards is something that I could definitely be.

The book was written as a letter to her friend, who asked her how to raise her daughter as a feminist. There are fifteen suggestions.

  1. Be a full person. (Meaning that your sole identity should not be as a mother.)
  2. Do it together. (The father should be just as active of a parent as the mother.)
  3. Teach her that the idea of gender roles is absolute nonsense. ("'Because you are a girl" is never a reason for anything. Ever.’)
  4. Beware the danger of Feminism Lite. (The idea of conditional female equality.)
  5. Teach her to read. Teach her to love books.
  6. Teach her to question language. (For example, the word princess implies delicacy and the need to be saved.)
  7. Never speak of marriage as an achievement.
  8. Teach her to reject likeability. (Her job is not to be likeable to all.)
  9. Give her a sense of identity.
  10. Be deliberate how you engage with her and her appearance.
  11. Teach her to question our culture's selective use of biology as "reasons" for social norms.
  12. Talk to her about sex, and start early.
  13. Romance will happen, so be on board.
  14. In teaching her about oppression, be careful not to turn the oppressed into saints.
  15. Teach her about difference. Make difference ordinary. Make difference normal. Teach her not to attach value to difference.
I liked a lot of the insights that the author shared, but I especially liked when she wrote in her second suggestion that the father and mother should be doing things together. Childrearing is not the woman's domain. But what I appreciated most was when she said that we should reject the language of the father "helping" with the children or "babysitting" the children. As the father, he is simply being a father and taking care of his children. I have never understood why a father would "babysit" his own children.

I also liked what she said about the fact that gender should not determine the things we like or the things we do. For example, girls shouldn't have to play with dolls, just because they are girls. And it shouldn't be wrong for boys to play with dolls because they are boys. Girls shouldn't be limited to certain career choices because they are girls. Along with that, men should share in the housework and cooking, and not have to be congratulated for doing so.
There are still so many double standards we need to break. Why, for example, is a woman supporting her husband in his political career, but a man “allows” his wife to have a political career? Why do we tell girls to be nice and to be careful, but let boys run around and wreak havoc? Why do we use words like princess for girls and imply that they are fragile and need saving? And why is marriage the ultimate goal for girls, but not for boys? Why are women identified as wives, but men are not identified as husbands? Why do women give up their names? These are all interesting questions posited by the author.

The other part that I especially enjoyed was in the twelfth suggestion: talk about sex and do it early. I agree with the author that we talk to boys and girls very differently about sex. This boys will be boys attitude is still rampant, yet we tell girls who embrace their sexuality that it is shameful. Why? Yes, girls can become pregnant, but why is the boy who impregnated her any less responsible or deserving of shame? There should not be this double standard. We don’t live in the Middle Ages—sex should not be something that is thought of as shameful. Sex is a beautiful, wonderful thing, but both en and women need to practice is responsibly.

So, maybe I am a feminist after all. All I know for sure is that if I ever have a daughter, I think that I will keep many of these suggestions in mind.



Tuesday, January 2, 2018

New Year, Not New Me

The last couple new years I've been able to reach down in and get all introspective and dig up some positivity, but not this year. Things have been really rough and I have tried really hard not to let the negative out to affect other people. Apparently, I have done a good job because when I posted on Facebook that last year was full of a lot of yucky stuff, people were very surprised.

This year has held lots of job (searching) woes. Two times I was passed over for full-time employment at the place I loved working, there have been lots of changes there that are leaving me mentally and physically exhausted, I haven't even been able to find another part time job, and so on...

As far as love, I just don't know. I just don't understand what's happening, and if there is actually any possibility that this can lead anywhere.

My weight loss was going super duper until this fall when work and love started getting icky and I started dealing with depression. Life became about living one day at a time, and I just didn't have the mental energy to do as well at keto.

So, this year, my focus is to get back on track eating wise, to try and be sure that I am taking care of me, to purpose to write, and to try and branch out. Mom and I are starting a home bakery, so you never know...maybe that will go somewhere.

Anyway, I'm just going to try and take care of me and figure out what I really want, or more accurately, how to get what I really want.

So, 2017, you can just go suck it. 2018, try to be kinda gentle.


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