Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Which Road Shall I Travel...

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and I, I took the one...

Since the little bubble of my life has been tumbled around by a mixture of foreseen and unforeseen events, and in the shadow of my looming thirty-first birthday, I have started thinking—I need to take a good look at my life and decide what it is that I really want.  Which road shall I take?  Who am I?  Who do I want to be?  How do I want to occupy my time?  Who do I want to be with?  What do I believe?  When am I going to man up and take life by the balls?

Upon hearing the news that my supervisor was retiring, colleagues began asking me if I was going to apply for her position.  I suppose I should be flattered by that, although perhaps they were hoping I wouldn't.  At first, I dismissed their questions saying that they would never hire me, I don't have the correct degree or much experience.  In fact, I don't have any "management" experience and, although I think I could do a bang-up  job in that position, I just blew it off.  (I also questioned whether I wanted the added responsibility, and to be working closer with the administration.)

Then, as time went on and I saw how things were developing—how slowly the hiring process would actually be, the fact that no other staff would be hired until a supervisor was in place, the fact that my mother wants to move and I cannot afford to live on my own—all of these things caused me to ask myself what do I want, what would be best for me?  If I apply for the supervisor position, the worst that can happen is that they don't hire me.  On the other hand, they might hire me.  That would mean a raise and, of course, more responsibilities, however, since I'm the one who has been dragging the library along with me in order to update, I don't think it will be a problem.

The pluses: better pay, great experience, looks good on a résumé, being able to live on my own.  Combined with my new position as YFU coordinator, it would be very good for the ol' résumé.  That's all in the not so distant future.  Looking ahead, what do I want in the long run?

Who am I?

I am insecure.  I am self-conscious.  I am intelligent.  I can, at times, swear like a sailor.  I am clumsy.  I am messy.  At times, I am lazy.  I am very negative.  I also have a very tender heart, and am very emotional.  Sometimes, I am too shy and just let things pass me by.

Who do I want to be?

I want to be graceful and elegant.  I want to be a lady with class and poise.  I want to be so beautiful on the inside that it spills over onto the outside.  I want to be able to focus on the positive, so that when something comes along that just isn't fair, I can look it in the eye, say "this isn't fair, I don't like it, but I'm going to make the best of it!"  I want to be that person around whom everyone enjoys being.  I want to be able to put my creativity to good use.  I want to see life as an adventure!

I want to leave a positive impact on the world.

I want to be a wife and mother.  I want to be a soul mate.  I want to matter to someone.

I want to write.  I want to travel.  I want to paint and weld.  I want to take photographs.  I want to drive a race car.  I want to act.

I want to not be obese, I want to be curvy and sensuous.

I want to find value in myself.

I want to find a man who can love me as I am, but who inspires me to be better—who will be my coach and my cheerleader.  I want a man who brings out the best in me and whose best I can bring out.  I want a man who will respect me and whom I can respect.  I want someone mature, solid in himself.

So, I have the path that I have been traveling on which has brought unhappiness and unfulfillment, or a new path, barely tread upon, which leads to fulfillment, happiness and contentment.  The old path is worn and clear, easy to find my way.  The new one is thick with grass and there are many obstacles.

The only question left is, which will I choose...

The Road Not Taken

Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn the really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.


I've been excitedly awaiting my gastric sleeve surgery and this weekend was a three day weekend. I was planning to get so much done. Boy...