W.A.I.T.

I've never been good at waiting...NEVER.

My mother says even when I was teeny tiny I did not want to wait.  I like the exciting times, going places, meeting friends, but I have a hard time with the vast expanses of time in between the exciting times.  It's hard for me to not view them as a waste of time.  Really, that's sad, but it's how I feel.

It seems that I go for long spells of normal life, then have a period of excitement, only to follow that with an even longer period of blaaaah!  You're thinking to yourself, that sounds like my life, everyone feels like that.  I get that, but, no offense, I don't have to deal with your life, only mine.  I realize that life is a mixture of ups and down, high and lows, and that a person could not constantly live on the highs in life, but I'd just like a better balance...a few more highs.  Am I being selfish and unrealistic?  Probably.

Anyone who knows me very well knows that I can get a little, well, um, obsessed.  Unfortunately, there are more times than I care to remember when someone was nice back to me and I thought "YES! I've found someone who likes me and wants to be around me..." and, sadly, in these types of situations I have no self-control...nada...zilch...ZERO!  I've probably annoyed several prospective friends away by texting them all the time, messaging on facebook, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera...and for that I am truly sorry.  I just get sooo excited.  I overly invest myself and then wonder why no one reciprocates.  (See, no patience.)  I can't wait for people to get to know me and learn who I am and what I am like and come to the conclusion on their own time that they want to be my friend...no they need to decide now!

It's really quite annoying to myself that I get so frustrated by people not acting according to my time table and things not happening as fast as I would like.  I don't like it any more than the people I annoy do.  I think I've finally come to a place which I have been avoiding for a very long time.  I'm pretty sure that God is determined to teach me patience.  I'm sure it will make my life easier in a lot of ways, but I can't say that I want that lesson or look forward to it...at...all.

Well, I have an exercise in patience right now and I'm doing my darnedest to kick old habits!  I recently met someone interesting whom I would very much like to get to know better and I'm trying, so hard, to wait on them, to let them guide things at their own pace.  Maybe I'm a closet control freak 'cuz it ain't been easy, but I keep telling myself, it it's worth anything, it's worth waiting for, and if other people aren't interested, than it's not worth it.  (Keep telling my self that...over...and...over...and...over...)

So, what do I need to do in order to get this waiting thing down?

1. DEEP BREATHING!
2. Enjoy the "unexciting" times in life.
3. Get a life!  (Keep busy.)
4. Be ready to grasp any opportunity, no matter how small, to spice things up!
5. BE POSITIVE!!!

Hopefully at some point in time not too far in the future, wait will no longer be a dirty word to me.  Like a disobedient dog, I must now bow to my master and accept my task, which is, at this particular moment, wait.

*sighs*

Ok, but could I wait a little faster?

Romans 5:3-5

New American Standard Bible (NASB)

³ And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; ⁴ and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; ⁵ and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

Working to avoid work and other distractions...

After a seven day (workday) holiday, Monday it was back to reality.  Well, not completely.  The library has been pretty darn quiet this week, and other than making a few ID cards, I've been pretty much able to work on whatever I feel like and actually get it done.  Yes, it was hard to come back to work, but I'm glad in a way.  The holidays were really a downer for me this year.  I was home, by myself and kept checking facebook and email incessantly!!!!  There was no activity...no email (very little), no posts on facebook...I just kept looking, and checking, and searching for random things...longing for some random comment on a three year old photo.  Ha!  As if no one else has a life just because I don't!  Yes, other people were hanging out with families and having a good time, they were not staring at their computer screens with a sad, longing look on their faces.  (I finally forced myself to have a no technology day.)

The first two days back at work I did ok, but still checked my email a lot.  Today,  however, was liberating!  At least at first.  I went to work and all day long I had people coming in asking me to do stuff for them.  It was great!  It was mostly mindless work, alphabetizing, dubbing VHS onto DVD, and it kept me occupied without having to do any of my normal duties (of which there are not a ton to do at the mo).  My mind did not wander to my emails, and I felt a great sense of accomplishment, and was happy to be so helpful to my co-workers.

I stayed positive today, for the most part.  I may have had a few moments...but this evening, I am wavering.  I came home and got on my social network sites while I waited for dinner and suddenly became rather down.  I've had numerous friends who have been "singles" as well as me, and now I see that they are mostly engaged or in relationships.  I know I should not compare my life to theirs, but dang!  (And I should be more happy for them.)  Most of them are a fair bit younger than me, and, well, what more do I have to say...it's just not fair.  So, this proves to me that while I do not feel ready for the semester to start and am frankly very nervous to start teaching Elementary Russian, I really need to get back into the busyness of community college life in order to keep myself preoccupied and out of my email inbox, longing for something that may never come.

Boss is back tomorrow, so I shall have to really dig in to my regularly scheduled duties.  Work, work, work...no, don't click that inbox!

New, new, new...

New year, new week, new day, new semester, new blog...that's a whole lotta new.

With the start of a new year usually comes new resolutions, goals, and great intentions, and by February, they have already gone out the window.  Instead of torturing myself with self-loathing at the failure to meet my unachievable goals, I am going to to try a more reasonable approach.

This year is all about attitude.

In place of vague goals, I pledge to myself to change attitudes.  I promise myself that I will make these changes in order to have a more happy and satisfying existence.  Will I be successful in these things everyday?  No.  It is not win or lose, or "I failed today, so the whole year is blown," but more of a process.  Everyday I will set before myself these goals, and everyday I will be more successful than the day before, and even with an occasional lapse, by the end of the year I should find myself, and my attitude, much altered. (And we'll hope for the better.)

So, without further ado, the list...

          This year I WILL:

                  treat everyone with kindness and respect, including myself.

                  think POSITIVE.

                  focus on what I DO have and not on what I DO NOT have.

                  smile more.

                  laugh more.

                  be nicer to my body by being more mindful of what I eat and get up and shake

                        my booty more.

                  banish all negative thoughts about myself, and try to see myself as

                        others see me.

                  put my best face forward, everyday.

                  NOT sweat the small stuff.

                  get out of bed everyday.

Armed with these objectives I go now, boldly into the unknown that is...2012.  And I hope for, nay, look forward to a year of adventure, new territories, and unexpected joys!