Friday, October 23, 2015

The Only Settling Here Is My Fanny...

The other day a post from Plus Model Magazine came across my Facebook feed. 

It was one of those times when your internal zinger goes off--like your brain is standing there pointing its finger at you saying "girl, I told you so." 


It brought back a lot of memories. I don't know if anyone ever uttered those exact words to me, but I've heard something pretty close. Like the time I was standing on the street in Moscow waiting for my classmates to go in for class and a woman came up to me and asked if I was married. I said no and she said it was too bad, I would never find a husband being so big. And I have such nice skin, too.

I have come a long way in how I feel about myself. I can honestly say that I no longer hate myself, but I cannot honestly say I love myself--my body. I'm working on it. Now I find myself in a strange place. While I am thrilled to be getting married, it is causes a real mix of emotions. I am really excited, but I am really nervous. It might be hard for some to imagine, but we haven't even kissed yet, and I am really nervous about being intimate.

On the one hand I am thrilled that he says he loves me, no matter what my weight is, that it is not important. It gives me warm fuzzies. However, on the other hand I don't really believe him. In fact, sometimes I think I feel almost sorry for him. Maybe it will be different when we are not 5000 miles away, but right now I am frequently really spazzing out thinking about being naked...

Insert rolled eyes, laughs, or other "you're stupid" comments here, but that's how I feel.

So, yesterday on my feed I see this blog post on Plus Model Magazine's feed: My Boyfriend isn't Settling for a Plus Size Girl. Reading was such an affirmation to me. I just have to constantly keep telling myself that there is nothing wrong with me! Yes, I have a few health issues which I am trying to address so I can be happy and healthy, but my worth as a person is not measured by either the number on the scale or the number on the tag in my clothing.

I think that letting someone love me is going to be one of the biggest challenges in my life. I've spent most of it not letting people, expecting that they couldn't, love me.

OK, Alex, bring it on baby. Love me like it's going out of style. And I'll try to let you.

Tuesday, October 20, 2015


I've been in a pretty bad mood since Saturday. I talked to my boy toy and I'm not sure what was going on for sure, but I was a little irritated. That put me in a bad mood and I couldn't get my homework going. I wanted to call again on Sunday (the phone line had gotten cut off Saturday) but A.) I had an 8 page paper to write, and B.) I didn't want to be in any worse of a mood while, trying to write my paper.

Writing went pretty well, but I didn't get the paper turned in until a little after 11 p.m. I got to bed around 12:20. Mom had to go in early, and since she still has to change my bandage, I had to be showered and ready for her to change the bandage before 7 a.m. Also, I had gotten up around 2 not feeling very well. So, I laid down till 7:30 and then went to work.

Then, yesterday as I am finishing grading my students' first test, I come across three students who have plagiarized. :( This is the first time in 5 years that I have had this happen. That I know of...

That kinda just took the little wind that was in my sails and knocked it right out.

This week is another screwed up week at work. My boss is gone three days, and today I was the sole employee until 2:00. Not even any student workers.

Some days you just really want to throw in the towel. This would be one.

The Coronapacolypse Continues...

I've been home for 40 days now. Technically 42 days because I was off the two days before work closed. This has been such a strange t...