Friday, August 7, 2015

Hormones Are Evil

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. I know...dangerous! I'm going to partly blame it on hormones, which would explain why I started bawling on the toilet the other night while I was getting ready for bed. (Sorry, tmi...)

On Facebook I follow Poems Porn and a few others that have all these fantastic quotes and sayings. Now this in itself is probably bad because reading the depressing quotes about how life is sad and love is lost does nothing to keep me from depressing myself, but I can't help it! All those sad posts about true love, love lost, and our deepest desires just speak to my soul.

They also cause me to think and I've been thinking a lot about this strange, unidentified relationship I have with Mr. Belarus. One day I think that I need to discuss things with him and understand what he is thinking, what he really wants and how much effort he is going to put in. Then I have moments where I think, "Katie! You idiot, this is never going to work out, you need to move on." And then I spiral downward imagining myself there and saying goodbye forever, just what exactly I would say and how he would react...And then I end up bawling on the toilet.

Talking with my friends about him, they're like he's probably just scared. I'm sure that he is. So am I. Of course I'm scared, but I am also willing to give it my all. What I am afraid of is this: I am one of those rare people that puts their all into every relationship, that's why I am always exhausted. And if I am in an unhealthy relationship, those people can just suck all the life out of me. I value all my relationships way up high and there are very, very few people, almost no one, who does the same. I get so frustrated in relationships because I hold them up so high and other people don't. It took me forever to understand that they may not care about me less, just differently. So I am afraid that this time, he loves me, but not enough to face the fear.

I am afraid that perhaps he isn't really happy, but he has been in this place so long he knows how to deal with it and would rather stay slightly unhappy but comfortable than take a chance and risk things going to hell. I certainly spent a long time in that place, myself. He hasn't really seemed to make much effort or even talk like he would make effort if he could. Perhaps I have it all wrong, but this is what I fear.

My biggest fear in life is that I will always care so much about others that I keep "chasing" them, keep checking on them, keep nurturing them, but that there will never be someone who cares that deeply about me. Sometimes when I am feeling particularly defeatist I feel like that is my entire purpose in life, to pour myself into others until I am depleted, but that I will never find someone who will pour back into me.

I know, I should think positive. I'm not always so good at that. I do try, but sometimes I'm just tired.

So, I get myself all worked up, cry a little, have all kinds of doubts, and then when I talk to him everything feels right. The world feels right.

Ugh! Why are things so complicated?


Who could resist these?

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