What Is Depression?

Sometimes I see posts or talk to people about depression and suicide. This happens to be a very personal topic to me. I have many family members who have struggled with depression, and several who chose to commit suicide. I know a lot of people mean well, but if you don't understand depression, you will never understand suicide.

One day when I was at work, an officer talked to me about a guy that had recently committed suicide and how it was so cowardly. It was all I could do to contain my anger. This man obviously had no concept of what depression is like and what a person actually goes through before committing suicide.

We all have times in our lives when things are bad, but for some people, it doesn't go away. Sometimes people get so sad and hopeless that they just want to make it stop hurting. A lot of people throw around the word depressed, but so many do not understand that they are actually just grieving or sad.

There is a difference.

The American Psychiatric Association shares the following on their website www.psychiatry.org:

But being sad is not the same as having depression. The grieving process is natural and unique to each individual and shares some of the same features of depression. Both grief and depression may involve intense sadness and withdrawal from usual activities. They are also different in important ways:

• In grief, painful feelings come in waves, often intermixed with positive memories of the deceased. In major depression, mood and/or interest (pleasure) are decreased for most of two weeks.
• In grief, self-esteem is usually maintained. In major depression, feelings of worthlessness and self-loathing are common.
• For some people, the death of a loved one can bring on major depression. Losing a job or being a victim of a physical assault or a major disaster can lead to depression for some people. When grief and depression co-exist, the grief is more severe and lasts longer than grief without depression. Despite some overlap between grief and depression, they are different. Distinguishing between them can help people get the help, support or treatment they need.

What does this mean in less clinical terms? Let me try to illustrate.

A child grows up being made fun of because in some way, they are different. This child is constantly made to feel that they are not good enough, maybe that they are a disappointment at home. Things never go well for them in some way at school, at work, or in some other part of their life. They begin to no longer get enjoyment from things that they once did. They feel like they are worthless, maybe that they are a burden to all those that they love. Sometimes, they even begin to loathe or hate themselves for the pain that they must be causing those around them.

Okay, you say, but that is still no reason to commit suicide.

Well, imagine that your brain actually believed that you were causing harm to people that you loved. Imagine that life hurt so bad that you were physically ill in some way. Imagine feeling like a ship that was sinking and that was going to take down all the people whom you love if you didn't do something to stop it.

It is really hard to imagine if you have never felt it. Sometimes, you know what caused it. Sometimes, you have no idea why you feel this way. For some people, there is a biochemical issue in the brain and it just doesn't function normally. Part of it may come down to genetics, personality, or environmental factors. The point is, it is not something you can just stop doing, or switch off.

Believe me--people with depression would if they could.

Think, for just a moment, to yourself about what it would take for you to no longer want to live. A lot, right? So, before you call someone who committed or tried to commit suicide a coward, think about that.

And for those dealing with the loss of someone, asking yourself why they didn't come to you for help--they couldn't. Most likely, they didn't want to be a burden to you--it's already enough that they are hurting.

What can we take from this? First of all, be kind to everyone because you never know when one mean word, even if it's not directed at them, per se, could tip someone over the edge. Second of all, don't underestimate the terrible shit that someone is going though just because you see no physical symptoms.

In short--be kind to your fellow humans!!!

Also, if you are reading this and you are depressed--there are people who care! Here are resources for you:

National Suicide Hotline: call 1-800-273-8255
Online Chat: http://chat.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx
Crisis Textline: https://www.crisistextline.org text 741741 from anywhere in the US

Too Much Thinking

As often, no always, happens when I am stressed out and down about things, I start to philosophize. I start thinking about all the things I've done wrong, why my life is the way it is, and why I am the way I am. I've been so frustrated lately. Things at work have been crazy and I've been almost constantly working with very little down time.  I've been feeling very undervalued and under-appreciated at work, and to be honest, still have some hard feelings about past mistreatment by employers. There is an award lunch coming up and it started me down a strange road.

Honestly, I find myself a real conundrum.

I don't know how anyone else could understand me, cuz I sure as hell don't understand myself. I find it odd that on the one hand I hate the spotlight and try desperately to stay in the background. Maybe that comes from years of trying to hide in plain sight so as to avoid as much bullying as possible; said bullying probably why my personal mission in life is to do for others and to make their lives better. But on the other hand, I wish someone cared about me enough to, in the words of Jane Austen, "winkle" things out of me.

So, to review: I don't want any attention or to share anything, but I want people to dig and find it out anyway.

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And, as much as I hate recognition or spotlight, I kind of secretly long for it.

I think that I just long for someone to think enough of me, or to be doing something that really matters in the world, that would be worthy of notice, and I don't want the actual spotlight. I just want to matter.

See what I mean? Huge conundrum...

I struggle a lot with relationships, because when you are a friend or someone special to me, I give you 100%. But that's not how most people are. I get that. It's my personality type, and it's a rare one. But I tend to feel unimportant to others, because they don't have the same (way, incredibly too high) standards that I do. I find myself longing for one person to fight for me as hard as I fight for others. But, I have to just keep reminding myself that I don't mean less to people just because they show friendship and love in different ways.

Oi vei.

I really need to quit this deep thinking shit.

So, I finally have some time off coming up...I think it's time to try and center myself, or something like that. Maybe I need to try some meditation. I dunno. But I definitely need to chill the f@$k out.

If this post accomplished nothing else, maybe you at least feel better about yourself now. :)

One Hundred!

One year ago today I was a mess. I was struggling with my health, I was dealing with having been laid off and moving across the country, and my weight just kept climbing and climbing. November 5th 2016, I hit the highest weight ever. I knew that I had to do something, and I had been successful previously on low carb diets.

I started researching diets that might be good for PCOS and thyroid, and I came across keto. So, January 1, 2017 I started my keto journey.

It probably took about two months before I really found my groove, but once I did, the weight just seemed to melt off. I've struggled a bit lately. I've caught myself emotional eating a little and had gone back and forth with the same 5 pounds for about a month, but I'm just pretty happy to let my body do its thing, as long as I keep going in the right direction.

I am very happy to say that since I started this journey in January, I am down 93 pounds, and 100 pounds from one year ago.

Feels pretty damn good!

Enough

It seems to me that everyone has a theme in their life. For me, the word enough is it.

People often ask me about my tattoo that says enough. Why enough? Have you had enough?  No, I got this tattoo to remind me that I am enough.

My whole life I have felt that I was not enough. I was not smart enough, not thin enough, not pretty enough, couldn't sing well enough, I was a good friend, but not good enough for anyone to make much of an effort for... And later in life, as an employee, I always gave my all, worked super hard, provided superior customer service, and my employer always loved me and the job I did--I was good, but not good enough for them to help me out, or to fight for me.

I had gotten to a really good place, but this last year and a half have been so hard that I have started feeling all these overwhelming feelings again of not being enough.

I've been rather depressed recently, and I found myself returning to old habits. I wasn't necessarily eating things I shouldn't be, but I was mindlessly, emotionally eating. Then I did eat stuff I shouldn't have and felt like absolute shit.  But, yesterday and today I fasted, only drinking some homemade beef broth and I am feeling much better.

So, hopefully, I have the eating back under control, now I just need to figure out the emotional stuff. I have to keep telling myself that  I am enough, that things are just tough out there, and that eventually (God only knows when...), things will work out.

I hope.

What is My Problem?

I don't know what the fuck is up with me today.

Things started out okay, I was a little tired, but I pretty much always am. I got hired at a halloween store, which is a part time, very temporary job, but hey, it's extra money, and then met a friend for coffee.

We are both struggling with some stuff, mostly job-wise, and get together to talk things over and lend one another support. Then I got home and I'm just a morose lump of blubbering-ness.

I am so tired. Not the I haven't gotten enough sleep tired, but the deep in my soul kind of tired. As hard as I try, I just can't keep from ticking off all the can'ts in my life right now. Can't find a job. Can't be with the man I love. Can't go see the man I love. May never have a family. May never have a job I love (that I can live on). Will probably never make an impact on the world.

I just feel like I can't do anything right, right now.

I know that I am far from the only one struggling out there right now, but damnit! Couldn't just one part of my life go well?

It's a good thing that I have today off, cuz with the news of the shooting in Vegas, some disconcerting emails, etc., I am an emotional mess, really jumpy (which is totally unusual), and plainly unfit to be a part of society today.

Maybe I will just go curl up in bed on this cold, dark, rainy day.

When Life Falls Apart

August.

What a month.

August is kind of a big month for me anyways (August 17 I left home for the biggest adventure of my life--being an exchange student in Belarus; August 26 1998 I met my soul mate; August 15 2015 my soulmate proposed; August 2008 graduated with first MA degree, and so on... you get the picture) but then this August, things got a little crazy.

August 2016 we made the move from Iowa to Colorado, and then we found ourselves moving again this August, but thankfully only about 4 miles away. While being less traumatic than the last move, this one was still hard. Even though I know we have so much less stuff now, we still have too much.

So, we found the new place the end of July. We would get the keys on August 16, but we were leaving to go back to Iowa for my grandfather's 90th birthday on the 18th. The cost to fly back and rent a car was too much, so we drove.

I. Hate. That. Drive.

But, we made it back to Iowa, had a busy weekend with friends and family, and then came the long drive home... through all the traffic from all the stupid people trying to view the damn eclipse!  (Our 11 hour drive took 14...)

Then, when we got back, my dad was here visiting, so we didn't really get to start moving until the 23rd. We did hire movers who did most of the moving, but there was a surprising amount of shit that was not boxed and therefore not ready to move.

It was down to the last minute, but we got everything out and then waited for the walk-through with our landlords. We waited for an hour the first time before contacting them and having them say sorry, something came up. The next day we met successfully and handed over the keys.

I've been working hard to establish some order in my room and I am bound and determined to get rid of shit!!! I had already donated one bad of clothes and we had donated a couple boxes of books, etc., but yesterday I got rid of another bad of clothes.

I am just so tired of shit everywhere!

I've recently been reading a lot of nonfiction, which is kind of unusual for me. I read Pema Chodron's book When Things Fall Apart on the advice of my best friend, and I appreciated the wisdom that I found there. Just a few days ago I finished reading Daphne Kingma's book The Ten Things To Do When Your Life Falls Apart and I got a lot out of it. It helped reinforce that we are all struggling at some point, and that there are things I can do to relieve some of the pressure.  One of those things is simplifying my life.

This is not a new concept to me. I started trying to do this a couple years ago and I have made progress, but not enough. In Kingma's book there was a chapter on living simply and one of the things she suggested is setting a goal, such as getting rid of 10 things every week. That's perfect! That is my new goal. I will get rid of 1o things a week until I feel like things are under control. Then, I can reevaluate.

Another chapter was about letting go, and as I am still searching full force for a full time job, I realized how much anger I have from the past. Yes, I was screwed over pretty badly, but what is being mad about it now gonna get me. Yes, it has made things difficult for me for several years, but I can't change it, I can only move forward.

Some other lessons from Kingma are that crying is healing, to get different results you can't do what you've always done, remember who you are, you have to be persistent (something that I'm gettin' really tired of), you need to integrate things that have happened and accept them in order to move on an make things better, we all have a signature strength--go back to it and use it as inspiration, and also if you don't have love in your life...find it.

I was encouraged anew to pursue my writing because Kingma said that most people end up doing, or their dream job is, something that they wanted to do when they were 6 or 7. What did I want to be? A writer.

Something to think about.

And so my fellow sufferers leave you with a quot from the end of Kingma's book:

May the depth of your crisis remind you of who you really are. May your pain bring you into the light of awareness. May your journey through it give you hope. And when you have made it through the storm, may you feel great peace and joy.

YASSS!

WOOOOOOHOOOOOO!

I finally have great news.

We have become increasingly unhappy in our current rental, but I was concerned about finding a new place because, well, we are both working part time. And, if I'm being honest, things have been shit for so long that I didn't figure anything good would happen. BUT! the stars must have aligned on Monday.

First of all, I finally got my license plate switched over and am now officially Coloradan! Then we ran a few more errands, looked at an apartment that was decent, and went to lunch.

At lunch, we decided to go look at these apartments that are about a block from where mom is currently working. I was a little hesitant, but we went anyway. We looked at two of the two bedroom apartments, and fell in love.

There is a dual master layout, both with connected bathrooms, completely redone, brand new carpet, paint and appliances, more square footage, 16 ft vaulted ceilings, and just pure AwEsOmEnEsS! So we decided to go for it!

It ended up cheaper than what we have now for MORE space and brand new stuff!

So, as we are get ready to apply, she tells us that right now the application fee, administrative fee and hold fee (would have been $480) were waived and we would only pay $99!

She processed our application and about 30 minutes later we got a yes!

So in about half a month we get to move into our new place and we are soooooo excited!

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Killin' It With Keto!

I finally have something positive to write about!

I have been very happy with my success in the past 7 months, but one thing I had noticed is that even though I was at a lower weight then before, I was still wearing a bigger size. For example, I weigh thirty pounds less now than the last time I went to see my honey pie (Jan. 2016), but I was wearing a size or two bigger. Clothes that fit well then, were still to snug now.

That has changed!

Apparently in the last two weeks I have started to reshape, and in less than I month I have lost another inch on hips and waist.

All of the sudden, stuff fits! And, an outfit that I had just worn in the last two weeks, was suddenly pretty baggy.

Woohoo! I needed a positive in my life, and I will take it!

Down 67# and nearly 10 inches on hips.

*For more info on the keto way of life, check out these links:

• https://www.tasteaholics.com/the-complete-keto-diet-guide-for-beginners/
• https://authoritynutrition.com/ketogenic-diet-101/

Feelin' the Burn

Okay, so I am totally feeling the burn. Who knew that living at a higher altitude would have such an effect on things?

Okay, in theory I knew that altitude would have an effect, but I still forget about it a lot of times. Like how much quicker you get a sunburn. We spent a few hours outside at the Botanic Garden for my birthday and I ended up with some minor sunburn.

So, while the humidity is much lower here in Colorado, it's been freakin' hot! It's been in the 90s a lot and our apartment has a chiller that doesn't work so we have to have the windows open all the time. Even with the windows open there is terrible air flow, so at the moment, we have 8 fans spread through the apartment.

Ugh.

Oh well, could be worse. 

Puttin' It Off

It's been a long time since I've posted. Things have been really rough, and I just kept waiting to write a post because I didn't have anything else to talk about. That and I have just been too tired.

Sooo, in the spirit of continuing to put off what I should be doing, I'm just making a post of random shit.

Enjoy

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Losin' It!

In January I started a new way of eating. I did a lot of research and decided that the Ketogenic diet. It has not always been easy, and I felt icky for a little bit, but things evened out and I feel soo much better. I don't notice any blood sugar fluctuations, I don't feel hungry all the time, I'm not overheated cuz my blood sugar is too high... It's awesome.

The best thing happened last Saturday. I got on the scale and I was down 45 pounds! I didn't really get the full effect, however, until I put the starting and current pictures together, and WOWSA! What a difference! I've lost 17.5 inches overall, and things are just so much easier.

The one down side right now though, is that my system is now being flooded with extra hormones (fat contains hormones) and I feel like I've hit puberty again! I've had some acne, I feel like crying all of the sudden and out of the blue, and other things.

But, I'll take it.

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The Beginning Of The End, Or The End Of The Beginning?

One year ago today I was told that my job of 8 years was being eliminated. I tried to stay positive, but I went through periods of depression. It seemed both like the beginning of the end, like the continuation of the spiral in which I already found myself. Sometimes, though I feel like maybe it was the end of a beginning.

Maybe it was the end of my beginning, my initiation into the library world. I dunno.

I decided to move to a new city, a new state, and start fresh. I thought that everything was just gonna fall into line.

So far, it hasn't.

Still.

A year later I am still waiting for whatever door was supposed to open after the door at my old job closed to open.

Well, at least I'm happy.

...er...happier.

Holy Carb Hangover, Batman!

Last year I discovered that on top of PCOS, my thyroid was now under active and I packed on nearly 40 pounds in a very short time. I was just not having any luck getting it back off, and moving to higher altitude did not help things. January of this year I decided that I had to kick my butt into gear, so after doing research, I selected the Keto diet. The timing just happened to line up with a weight loss competition at work, which I think I might have won, but don't know yet.

So, it's been just over three months and I have to say that things are going really well! The final weigh in for the competition was last week and I lost 35 pounds! Woot woot! I had decided that after 3 months, I would give myself a few days a month to splurge and have a higher amount of carbs. So, that night, after the weigh in, mom, my brother and I went to our favorite Indian restaurant for supper.

I didn't go too overboard on carbs. I only had one piece of naan, but the next morning I felt like I had a hangover.

A freaking carb hangover!

Well, lots of water and some ibuprofen and I was fine, but it did confirm to me that I am doing the right thing. Obviously, things are working and I feel good!

Here's to another 3 months of great success!

Always the Bridesmaid

Okay, so I have never actually been a bridesmaid, in fact I've only ever been part of one wedding (flower girl at my uncle's first wedding).

As I have posted--many times--recently, things have been rough. After almost three weeks I called and talked to Alex for about 5 minutes just to see if he was alive. It's been over a week since I called and he old me he'd been really sick. I've been mad and hurt, and I miss him like crazy. I've wished that I had him to talk to about what has been going on.

The person who got the job I wanted started this week and I have been struggling. We have very similar backgrounds and experience and I am just really disappointed. And of course, we have worked together many hours this week. Which is really okay. Just...disappointing.

At work one day, I found myself thinking about that fact that four times now I have had to help train the person who got the job--and it occurred to me that it was like always being a bridesmaid. I am always the assistant, never anything more.

Why is it that some people never seem to get ahead?

And thinking about my relationship at the moment, I was like I'm never going to be a bride either.

On the bright side, I have good people around me! I love the people I work with, and I am starting to really settle in and establish some ownership. I've even struck up a friendship. So while I've had a few bad moments, all in all things are good.

And, after feeling down and wondering how long it would take until Alex reached out, he finally called today. I was at work so I couldn't answer, but at least he made an effort.

So, here's hoping that in the near future I will finally be a bride and move up in the work world.

As tough as it is somedays, I will keep moving forward

And, I have one really big positive to look forward to... meeting my best friend's new bundle of joy, who is making her entrance soon!

Wrasslin'

Two years ago today I was on my way to see Alex for the first time since he came to see me in Kiev in 2000. I was so excited! The future seemed bright and fantastic. And then I had the week from hell and my heart was broken.

In August, after we'd worked through some things, he asked me to marry him. A year ago I finally had all the paperwork in order and was about to start on his visa process when I was told I was losing my job. (I still harbor some resentment about that.)

Things have been good and continually getting better between us since then, and he's gotten to the point where he can really own up to his problem. He finally decided he didn't want to drink anymore, and then something happened and I haven't heard from him for two weeks.

I've really been wrestling with what to do. At the same time I am seriously concerned about him, seriously pissed off, and completely beside myself. I constantly feel like crying, I just want to shut myself in my room, and I'm having trouble getting to sleep.

I just don't know what to think.

Or do.

I mean, at some point he is going to get in touch with me, right?

UGH.

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The TV Made Me Cry

How lame is that?

I'm catching up on a fave show today while mom is out, and BLAM! I was blindsided by the death of one of the characters.

I mean, the gal had been through a lot, they finally get married and a few months later...plop...the guy drops dead.

I mean what. the. fuck.

It may seems stupid, but it hit me like a ton of bricks. I guess it made me think about my current situation. I love Alex sooo much, but let's be honest--things have been rough--especially on me. My first trip and his drinking, my last trip and his drinking, subsequent drinking binges since then, never knowing if he is going to get mixed up with the wrong people and have the crap beaten out of him...

I guess the scariest thing for me when he goes on a bender is that I can't get ahold of him for days at a time, and I'm quite certain that one of these days I'm going to call and his mother is going to answer and tell me he's dead.

I think that's why the show hit me so hard. Thinking about the fact that we finally managed to get together, and my luck, after waiting 18 years, something bad will happen and he'll die. I just can't wait to have him here where I can keep an eye on him...know that he's okay.

I try not to think about the fact that we were finally ready to start the visa application a year ago when I found out I was losing my job. That really gets my anger juices going.

Well, at least the day ended well! Mom and I got to see a Ukrainian group DakhaBrakha and man, were they awesome!

Karpatsky rap

Color Me Irritated

So, a week ago Alex and I were texting back and forth and then he was silent for most of a day. When he finally texted back he was upset. Some situation had arisen and he needed money. As we talked, it seemed like perhaps he had been drinking a little. He had been doing really well, but I knew that as soon as trouble came up he'd turn to booze, sooner or later.

So we got the problem figured out and it was time for me to go to bed. This was at 2:3o Monday morning. Then I never heard anything from him all day.

I texted every few hours, but nothing. Also tried calling. Finally, at 11:30 that night he responded that he was okay but couldn't write me right now. Well, I know he's okay at least.

No response Tuesday.

No response Wednesday, so I finally called. He answered, sounded drunk sleepy, and said "I can't talk right now." I said fine and hung up.

Ever since I have been pretty pissed.

I mean, I expected he would spend a day or two drinking, but I guess I thought he'd at least fucking tell me he was okay.

Yeah, I've already thought about the possibility that he didn't need the money, he just needed to drink. So hard to be this far away from someone and not really know what is going on with them.

So, I decided that I was just not going to keep calling and texting and when he sobered up and wanted to communicate, he could initiate.

On the other hand though, I really want to bitch him out.

And I'm also really scared that someone has come after him, or he's drunk himself to death.

I guess I'll wait a few more days and see what happens.

Damn it.

Everything Is Leading...Not to Here

Wow, time flies.

I've been busy with work and just getting on with life. But for awhile I've been waiting with great anticipation for a position to be posted at work. It finally was and I applied.  I felt like I had a good chance, everyone was encouraging me, and I am qualified. I really felt like everything in my life--getting laid off, moving, getting my current job--everything was leading me here to this moment.

But it turns out I was wrong.

Mom and I both had interviews on the same day. When she didn't get her job, I kind of knew. Don't get me wrong, I am endlessly thankful for the job I have now, but I'm kind of bored. It's the same stuff I've been doing for 8 plus years, and actually I do less here than I did before. But at least I am valued and appreciated here. That's a huge step up from my last job.

While I maintain hope that the timing simply wasn't right, I am determined to continue doing my job with 110%.

The biggest bummer is that I currently don't make enough money to prove that I can support Alex, so I don't know how much longer his visa process will have to be delayed, and it is almost more than I can handle.

One day at a time...

Middlebury Magic

I've been doing a lot of thinking about how far I've come, especially in the last year and the ways that I've grown. Today I thought of a conversation I had with a few people when I was at Middlebury an how insecure I was at that point. I remember talking to these two people, thinking that they were cool people and must have tons of friends, and what was wrong with me?

Middlebury was a really magical place for me, and I never realized how many ways my time there helped me to grow until now. For the first time in my life I was surrounded by people who loved me and told me that I was smart, funny, beautiful inside and out. I made lasting friendships, some of which are still really big parts of my life. I met my best friend there, and I learned so much, not just about Russian.

Thanks to my good friends and members of the Russian folk group Zolotoj Plyos, I learned to sing. Well, I could already sing, but they taught me how to do it right and gave me the confidence to know that I was good enough. I got to fulfill a dream of acting, in one of the lead roles, during on of the choir concerts, and so much more.

I don't know if everyone feel this strongly about their time at the Midd language schools, but I will forever be grateful for the people there and the opportunity to experience life at Middlebury. I would not be the woman I am today without such a great experience!

Holy Piles of Shit, Batman!

Okay, so generally I don't talk much about work, but I just have to share about today.

We are on the first floor of a building, and there is a big lobby with stairs to the second floor. Well, someone came in about an hour or so after we opened and said that they had just slipped on a pile of shit in the lobby. Sure enough, there was poop on the floor. Someone had pooped their pants, left a pile, came in and spread poop all over the bathroom. Then they went over and sat down to use a computer.

Things never improved from there.

It may have been a shitty day, pun intended, but at least we were able to laugh about it. My theory is that since yesterday was Friday the 13th and it's been a near full moon, Friday the 13th must have be doubled and that's why today was so weird.

Well, I'm home now and relaxing. Wonder what tomorrow will bring.

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It's Been A Long Time Baby

I realized earlier today, well yesterday now, that the last time I saw Alex was one year ago today. Er, yesterday. Seriously, who wants to send me on a little vacay?

What an awful day it was coming home. I almost missed a couple flights, my plantar fasciitis was so bad I could hardly walk, and mom almost missed her flight coming home from Denver. All that on top of my heart being ripped out having to leave the love of my life.

You may have noticed that I've been a bit nostalgic as of late. The beginning of the year has proven to be challenging. Christmas and New Years both make me a bit sad, then January 7 is the anniversary of my leaving Belarus the first time, and January 8 marked the last time I saw Alex.

More than that though, I been thinking about where I was a year ago. A year ago I had no clue what 2016 would hold. I was certain that I would get Alex here, I was going to finish my degree and find my dream job. Instead, I got laid off and as a result I couldn't start the visa application for Alex because how can you prove you can support another person when you are on unemployment?

Well, 2016 was one of the hardest, crappiest years of my life, but I find myself in a much better place now. I'm in a city I love, I'm in a job I love, and am hopefully in a position to start the visa process.

I wouldn't want to relive 2016, but you know how it is--gold is refined only by fire and diamonds are only formed by tremendous pressure. It's the bad stuff that shapes us, and right now, I feel really good about where I am. (Except that I wish Alex was here.)

I wonder where 2017 will take me?

Are You Sure There Isn't A Full Moon?

Things have been a little weird so far this year. Yesterday was just weird. I was called in to work  and from the moment I got there, weird things were happening. Then it got really quiet. Like eerily quiet. Work was busy this morning, with bouts of crazy, and since I worked last night for someone, I'm wiped! The morning did go quickly though.

I'm on day three of my new lifestyle. Day one my goal was to track everything I ate. I did that, though I was fairly high on the carbs. Day two, I lowered my carbs and somehow ended up way below calories and eating a big snack when I got home. I lowered my carbs but was still fairly high for where I want to be. Today I have been doing well, though my tummy has been grumbling today as I have finally managed significantly cut my carbs, though I still need to get a little lower.

Alex and I have been talking a lot lately, but it's a little rough. We are both really down right now because it is so hard to be so far apart. Of course, throwing in the holidays just adds to the sadness. I keep remembering that a year ago I was with him. A year ago today we spent the most wonderful afternoon snuggled together on the couch watching movies. It was the first time we were really a couple, doing couply things.

He was unwell for a few days and now his sleep schedule is off. He sleeps all day and then wants to talk when it's time for me to go to sleep. One day we talked until late and then I said I have to sleep. He texted me through the night and then at 7:30 in the morning decided that he couldn't wait any longer and called to wake me up.

It's not that I'm not glad to talk to him, but I may not hear from him for a day, and then if I don't respond he starts calling me. It's gotten a little annoying because I have to work and I have to sleep regularly.

Weird.

I hope the weirdness that comes with the holidays will wear off soon.

We'll see.