Friday, October 25, 2019

Taking Care Of Me!!

The past few months have not been easy, but whatever. I’m fighting my way through it because I am a badass! I have been doing a lot of things to try and take care of myself and to offset the stress of everyday life. I try to go for a massage once a month, and I go to the chiropractor every couple weeks. I’ve started meditating, I’m usng CBD oil to help with anxiety and restless legs, and I am looking into accupuncture to help with some things. But sometimes, your body tells you that you need more!

It is super important to listen to what your body needs. I spent so many years abusing my body and then being mad at it. I still don’t love it, but I am trying to treat it kindly. Since, starting my new job right after my last vacation in May 2018, I had only taken one or two days off and that was for things like moving or appointments. Not fun.

I realized that I needed a break, but I can’t afford a vacation. So, what do I do? What I usually do and get on some travel site and torture myself with trips I can’t take. . .

This time, instead of flights, I got on AirBnB and somehow found this adorable little cabin only an hour an half from home and right in the foothills on the edge of Pike National Forest. And it was cheaper than a hotel! So, I did it. I booked a long weekend when the weather would hopefully be crisp and the trees would be beautiful.

OHMIGOD! I have needed this so much. Between living with two family members (who I dearly love) and working with one of them, I just need some devoted down/quiet/me time.

I arrived in town and went straight to the Rocky Mountain Dinosaur Resource Center (you really need to go if you like dinosaurs!!) and then came to the cabin.

It is so quiet here, and the air is so fresh. As soon as I got here I just felt everything melt away. Complete peace. I sat and ate dinner enjoying some soft jazz music and actually paying attention to how my food tasted, what it felt like in my mouth, etc. I listened to the Avs kick Las Vegas ass, and then, I quietly read a manga. (It’s a fantastic series, btw.) And now I am sitting here in the silence, drinking my Tazo Zen tea, and writing a blog—something I have not been able to do fro quite some time.

At this moment—life is very good.

Monday, July 8, 2019

Am I In A Time Warp?

Geez! As you get older you figure out that the adults in your life actually knew what they were talking about when you thought you knew better than them as a teenager. Time really does go faster three older you get, and you really don’t feel any older mentally.

For example, I feel like it hasn’t been very long since my last post, but it has in fact been three months. Or the fact that I don’t feel much older than a senior in high school or a college student, but in fact my twenty year high school class reunion is coming up in two weeks, and some of my classmates themselves have children graduating high school.

Obviously, time does not actually go faster as we age, so what is going on? Is it the fact that we have more responsibilities, more time commitments? Is it the weight of worry in our lives when as youths we were carefree? Or is it just what Dr. Who said—time is wibbly wobbly and it really does go faster as you age?

We may never know.

I get really frustrated with myself when I lose track of time. Like with my blog. If I don’t do it regularly, then when I think about it I think, oh it hasn’t been that long, I can do it tomorrow. Tomorrow comes and a month goes and I still have written nothing.

No big deal, it’s just a blog post, you say. You’re right, except that it isn’t just a blog post, the same thing happens with many things in my life, and before I know it, a whole year has gone by and I have done any the things that I wanted to, things that would provide me a creative outlet…things that help me enjoy life.

I guess that this is a good reminder to be intentional in life. It sounds so unromantic, but I need plan for the things that bring me joy. I don’t mean that I need to plan my whole life, but I need to be intentional about doing the things, like writing, sewing, drawing, creating, that make me happy and give me an outlet to relieve the stresses of life.

The next problem will then be deciding on what those activities are, because I want to try so many things that I could very easily overwhelm myself by trying to do too many things.

Along with doing things that being me joy, I am also recommitting to my health. I lost 100 pounds and then depression came and pretty much wrecked me. Fortunately, I am doing very well right now, and feel that I have the mental and emotional capacity to lose the weight again.

All in all, life is good right now. I love my job, I have made new friends here, and I have put myself out in the dating world, as frustrating as that is. I am in a good place and ready to just keep making it better.

Sunday, April 14, 2019

Keep Swimming, Just Keep Swimming

It's April already! Geez, how can time go so fast?

The last several years I have been doing a lot of reflecting and trying to grow personally, and the last year and half a lot has happened. I ended my engagement of almost three years, I started dating for the first time, I met and lost someone who truly treated me how I should be treated, I got a new job that I love, and most recently, I got into and out of what turned out to be an abusive relationship...

The biggest struggle I had however, was with my health.

In 2017 I had lost 100 pounds and I had plateaued, but I was maintaining pretty well. Then, all of the sudden I just started gaining weight. I had just started my new job, I was gaining weight even though I was trying really hard not to, I was exhausted and angry and basically couldn't understand what was going on with me. After trying thyroid medicine, we came to the conclusion that it was in fact depression.

My mom was not crazy about the thought of me taking antidepressants, but I knew I needed to try it. And man, has it made all the difference. I am now in a good place mentally and able to function.

I decided to write about it, because I want to help to break the stigma that goes along with mental health.

There is nothing to be ashamed of if you suffer from mental illness. Mental illness is just as real as any other illness. And you don't have to explain to anyone else if you take medicine for it. You do what you need to do for your health.

And speaking of my health, unfortunately, I gained back all the weight I had lost, so I am starting over and determined to get it all back off. And I know I can, cuz I already did. I just have to keep swimming, even if the tide bounces me around a bit.

In happy news, my mom, brother, and I are all moving in together to save money. I'm super excited about being close to my brother! Not so excited about moving, ha ha ha.

Tuesday, January 1, 2019

Looking Forward

Oh man, I have not written a blog post for such a long time. Well, nothing like starting another new year by looking back, and then looking forward.

There was a lot of great stuff in 2018, and there was a lot of tough stuff. The year started out great--I was celebrating the 100 pound weight loss in 2017 and just feeling great in general. But, near the end of January I finally realized that my "relationship" was going nowhere and ended. I was more pissed about having wasted 2.5 years being "engaged" than brokenhearted. That's probably cuz deep down I knew it was over a long time ago. Feeling relieved and empowered, I started to do something that I had never done

The day after I decided that it was over with Alex and I, I signed up on a dating app and within a few weeks I was dating. It was scary, but exciting. I was thrilled to know that there were guys out there who found me attractive. At the beginning of summer, I even found pretty much the perfect guy, and even though I tried really hard to keep it casual, I totally fell for him. He ended up moving away, but I'm grateful to him for showing me how I should be treated.

In April I took a wonderful trip to Belgium, Germany and the Netherlands and was able to spend time with old friends, and meet a newer friend for the first time. It was a wonderful time of fun, relaxation, and renewal. And the best part is, while I was gone, I got offered a new job!

It was about this time that things took a little turn for the worse. I started feeling tired, gaining weight even though I was trying hard not to, and as summer went on, the depression and anxiety just got worse and worse. I thought it might be my thyroid, but when we tried meds for that, it was too much. Finally, after talking to my counselor and doctor, we decided to try another medication. And it has been such a huge help.

So, my love life isn't great, the guy that I totally fell for left, and I have gained a lot of weight back, but, I love my job, I love my coworkers, I'm making new friends, and I started a side gig. I have my own bakery!

I don't really believe in resolutions, I don't want to set myself up for failure, but I do believe in having goals. So, 2019, what are we gonna do together?

My wishes for 2019:

  • To continue becoming a stronger, more confident, and healthier me
  • To find ways to cultivate my creative energies and encourage creative growth
  • To grow professionally
  • To read more
  • To treat myself better and not let others treat me poorly
Here'e to a blank slate!

The Coronapacolypse Continues...

I've been home for 40 days now. Technically 42 days because I was off the two days before work closed. This has been such a strange t...