The TV Made Me Cry

How lame is that?

I'm catching up on a fave show today while mom is out, and BLAM! I was blindsided by the death of one of the characters.

I mean, the gal had been through a lot, they finally get married and a few months later...plop...the guy drops dead.

I mean what. the. fuck.

It may seems stupid, but it hit me like a ton of bricks. I guess it made me think about my current situation. I love Alex sooo much, but let's be honest--things have been rough--especially on me. My first trip and his drinking, my last trip and his drinking, subsequent drinking binges since then, never knowing if he is going to get mixed up with the wrong people and have the crap beaten out of him...

I guess the scariest thing for me when he goes on a bender is that I can't get ahold of him for days at a time, and I'm quite certain that one of these days I'm going to call and his mother is going to answer and tell me he's dead.

I think that's why the show hit me so hard. Thinking about the fact that we finally managed to get together, and my luck, after waiting 18 years, something bad will happen and he'll die. I just can't wait to have him here where I can keep an eye on him...know that he's okay.

I try not to think about the fact that we were finally ready to start the visa application a year ago when I found out I was losing my job. That really gets my anger juices going.

Well, at least the day ended well! Mom and I got to see a Ukrainian group DakhaBrakha and man, were they awesome!

Karpatsky rap

Color Me Irritated

So, a week ago Alex and I were texting back and forth and then he was silent for most of a day. When he finally texted back he was upset. Some situation had arisen and he needed money. As we talked, it seemed like perhaps he had been drinking a little. He had been doing really well, but I knew that as soon as trouble came up he'd turn to booze, sooner or later.

So we got the problem figured out and it was time for me to go to bed. This was at 2:3o Monday morning. Then I never heard anything from him all day.

I texted every few hours, but nothing. Also tried calling. Finally, at 11:30 that night he responded that he was okay but couldn't write me right now. Well, I know he's okay at least.

No response Tuesday.

No response Wednesday, so I finally called. He answered, sounded drunk sleepy, and said "I can't talk right now." I said fine and hung up.

Ever since I have been pretty pissed.

I mean, I expected he would spend a day or two drinking, but I guess I thought he'd at least fucking tell me he was okay.

Yeah, I've already thought about the possibility that he didn't need the money, he just needed to drink. So hard to be this far away from someone and not really know what is going on with them.

So, I decided that I was just not going to keep calling and texting and when he sobered up and wanted to communicate, he could initiate.

On the other hand though, I really want to bitch him out.

And I'm also really scared that someone has come after him, or he's drunk himself to death.

I guess I'll wait a few more days and see what happens.

Damn it.