Curveball

I've been excitedly awaiting my gastric sleeve surgery and this weekend was a three day weekend. I was planning to get so much done. Boy was I wrong.

Saturday I noticed that my left eyebrow wasn't moving as much as it should be but I thought it was leftover from my ear surgery. I've had numbness in my tongue and some weird pains since the mastoidectomy. I wasn't too concerned about it, but then, at lunch on Sunday I noticed that my mouth was not working on the left side. I was trying to suck something off of my finger and the left side of my mouth wouldn't close all the way.

It was at this point that I became concerned. So, mom drive me to the ER and they concluded that I have Bell's Palsy. It should eventually go away, but at the moment it is difficult to eat and drink, and I look pretty funny when I try to smile. But, I don't mind as long as I don't have to delay surgery.

Katie Ellen and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Year

Let's face it, 2020 has been a shit show.

I have been putting off writing a blog post for a really long time, because I didn't want to just be like "everything sucks" all the time. But, this year has been a real cluster. I finally decided that maybe if I wrote about it, it would help me focus a little less on the negativity, and maybe let others know that yeah, I'm right there with you.

My family started the year by calling an ambulance in the wee hours of the morning on January 2nd to take my mom to the hospital. She was so dizzy she couldn't sit up, and we discovered that she had a saddle embolism in her lungs that was pushing on her heart, and that her entire right leg is one giant blood clot. She had to go back to work before she was really ready, but because everything shut down in March, she was able to take it kinda easy, but still work. (Ironically, the one positive thing for her this year.)

She has been having continuing health issues. The leg clot is going to take a loooong time to go away, and she has since developed a build up of uric acid causing kidney stones, one that got to 20mm. To put a cherry on top, they also discovered that she has an ultra rare condition called a replaced right hepatic artery with aneurism. Like, this is so rare that nothing comes up when you Google it.

Work has been stressful, because COVID. Then, the derecho hit my home state and home town. My dad and grandparents were without power for a week, and my grandparents lost their deck, gazebo and most of their trees. The next day, my cousin unexpectedly died. Then a few days later I got word from my host sister that my former fiancé in Belarus had died. This was a shock, but also not a shock. It did hit me pretty hard though.

My anxiety had been ramping up and for a month or more I had been feeling just drained. We upped my meds and that helped, but then I started having a hard time breathing.

I was having some occasional wheezing and was using an inhaler regularly, which I hadn't done for 20 or more years, but the wild fires were really bad this year and the air quality was awful. A few times when I was walking I got really winded, but thought it was a combination of the smoke and my being so sedentary during the pandemic. Then one day, I was at a mall to get some chai with my boyfriend and I just couldn't catch my breath, just walking.

At this point, I realized that something was wrong, but I still thought it was asthma.

Mid October, the boyfriend and I went to one of our favorite restaurants and ended up having to sit outside in the cold and smoky air. That afternoon I was super winded every time I got up. It continued to get worse over the next couple days. The next day, Monday, I went to the doctor for some routine blood work and my oxygen was at 88. They had me take some deep breaths and we got it up to 93. By Wednesday I was really struggling. I spent most of my time just sitting in my chair trying to chill out.

By Wednesday I knew something was really wrong and I needed help. I called the doctor and they got me a nebulizer to try. I did a treatment and thought it might have helped. My mom, brother, boyfriend and I were supposed to go the botanic garden for a halloween event that night and I wasn't really up to it, but I also really wanted to go. We decided to give it a go and leave if I needed to.

We got there, got inside and it became very clear that I was not going to make it. Fortunately, they allowed me to borrow a wheelchair, so we proceeded to enjoy our evening. That night, going upstairs it took me probably 20 minutes to halfway catch my breath. By this time I was scared. I started crying and my super boyfriend just laid there rubbing my back and soothing me.

I called in sick Thursday, tried one more nebulizer treatment, then called the doctor in the early afternoon. The nurse was worried about me because even just talking made me winded. Mom drove me to urgent care, and by the time I got in there I was gasping for air. My oxygen was at 82 and they were extremely concerned. They took me to. room, put me on oxygen, listened to my lungs, which were perfectly clear, and said "we are calling an ambulance."

The ambulance came and took me the two block to the hospital. They got me checked in, got me on oxygen and we proceeded to sit in the waiting room for about 4 hours.

Finally, they got me in a room and started checking bloodwork. They took a chest X-ray--again, clear--and later, when they did a CT Scan they discovered blood clots in my lungs. They were concerned about my heart because the right side was working really hard and they wanted to make sure there wasn't damage. It turned out it was just because blood flow was blocked by the clots.

I was admitted, taken to a room at midnight, and started on blood thinners. They wouldn't let me eat or drink because of the possibility of some tests that they might have to run, so I didn't get to eat until lunch the next day. (Try getting blood out of someone who doesn't have good veins when they are dehydrated...)

The next day they moved me to a progressive care unit where they could monitor me a little more closely. All the doctors kept asking about my legs and were amazed I hadn't had any swelling or any signs of clots.

I'm still confounded...what are the odds of BOTH mom and I getting blood clots in the same year with no previous history, or family history???

I started feeling better pretty quickly and was allowed to wander around my room as a liked. They did an ultrasound and found a clot behind my right knee as well.

My coworkers sent me flowers and an adorable stuffed sloth, who got a lot of attention from the nurses. I truly felt cherished by friends, family and coworkers.

When I was discharged they said, back to life as normal as you feel up to it. I have felt twenty times better than I have for months. I have energy and the desire to do things again. I do have to go in for blood checks to make sure the blood thinner is at on okay level, but hey, I'm breathing and feeling good!

I did have to cancel my trip to the cabin (one that I rented a year ago) but, I guess I'll take being healthy over a cabin.

I'm really hoping that the rest of the year is not a bigger dumpster fire than it has already been.

If you are reading this and you are having a rough time, hang in there. Eventually, everything will be alright. Also, don't be afraid to reach out if you need help or feel like you're drowning.

As Red, from the show Red Green always says, "Remember, I'm pulling for ya. We're all in this together."

Shlomo the Sloth keeping my company.

2020

Cheese whiz!

How is it already March 2020? Laugh it up all you young whippersnappers! All to soon you will realize that us old people know a thing or two and that we are not lying when we say that at forty you still feel like you've only been out of school a couple years and that the days go faster and faster.

Ha!

Well, it probably doesn't help that this year has been kinda bat shit crazy. We started the year off by calling the ambulance for my mom at 2:30 in the morning on January 2nd. It was very fortunate that she was feeling so sick, because they discovered two very large blood clots.

It was something that we all had to wrap our heads around--the fact that at any moment she could have been gone is really a hard thing to grasp. I guess mom felt that she needed to have a near death experience since dad had one several years ago. I told them that they could both knock it off now.

Otherwise, things are going pretty well.

Just before Thanksgiving I was fed up with dating and decided to go on and delete both my apps. I really hated Plenty of Fish and had so many bad experiences, so I had hidden my profile for several months. When I went on one day to figure out how to delete my profile, this guy messaged me and I thought a lot about whether or not to respond. I went back and forth. But, he looked kinda cute and he actually wrote me a message instead of just "hey" like most guys.

So, I decided to message him back the next day. We started messaging everyday and two weeks later we had our first date. We met at a coffee shop and had boba and when I looked at my watch we had been talking for two and a half hours.

We have talked to each other every day since, and had a date at least once a week. He is so sweet, a true gentleman, and even my mom loves him. I just never believed I could find someone like him. It's so amazing to feel loved and cherished, and to be looked at like I am a precious gem.

So, yeah, this year has been a little crazy, but it's been good too.

via GIPHY

The Beginning Of The End, Or The End Of The Beginning?

One year ago today I was told that my job of 8 years was being eliminated. I tried to stay positive, but I went through periods of depression. It seemed both like the beginning of the end, like the continuation of the spiral in which I already found myself. Sometimes, though I feel like maybe it was the end of a beginning.

Maybe it was the end of my beginning, my initiation into the library world. I dunno.

I decided to move to a new city, a new state, and start fresh. I thought that everything was just gonna fall into line.

So far, it hasn't.

Still.

A year later I am still waiting for whatever door was supposed to open after the door at my old job closed to open.

Well, at least I'm happy.

...er...happier.

Wrasslin'

Two years ago today I was on my way to see Alex for the first time since he came to see me in Kiev in 2000. I was so excited! The future seemed bright and fantastic. And then I had the week from hell and my heart was broken.

In August, after we'd worked through some things, he asked me to marry him. A year ago I finally had all the paperwork in order and was about to start on his visa process when I was told I was losing my job. (I still harbor some resentment about that.)

Things have been good and continually getting better between us since then, and he's gotten to the point where he can really own up to his problem. He finally decided he didn't want to drink anymore, and then something happened and I haven't heard from him for two weeks.

I've really been wrestling with what to do. At the same time I am seriously concerned about him, seriously pissed off, and completely beside myself. I constantly feel like crying, I just want to shut myself in my room, and I'm having trouble getting to sleep.

I just don't know what to think.

Or do.

I mean, at some point he is going to get in touch with me, right?

UGH.

via GIPHY

Everything Is Leading...Not to Here

Wow, time flies.

I've been busy with work and just getting on with life. But for awhile I've been waiting with great anticipation for a position to be posted at work. It finally was and I applied.  I felt like I had a good chance, everyone was encouraging me, and I am qualified. I really felt like everything in my life--getting laid off, moving, getting my current job--everything was leading me here to this moment.

But it turns out I was wrong.

Mom and I both had interviews on the same day. When she didn't get her job, I kind of knew. Don't get me wrong, I am endlessly thankful for the job I have now, but I'm kind of bored. It's the same stuff I've been doing for 8 plus years, and actually I do less here than I did before. But at least I am valued and appreciated here. That's a huge step up from my last job.

While I maintain hope that the timing simply wasn't right, I am determined to continue doing my job with 110%.

The biggest bummer is that I currently don't make enough money to prove that I can support Alex, so I don't know how much longer his visa process will have to be delayed, and it is almost more than I can handle.

One day at a time...

Stupid Crappy Week

This week has just been stupid and crappy!

First there was the election. I wanted neither candidate, but Trump? Ugh. I've been feeling like the sky is falling. The morning after the election I felt like I was waking up the morning after the apocalypse.

But this is not a political post.

On top of the feeling from the election, I was feeling scared and worried to death. I heard from Alex Wednesday night, and then nothing. Radio silence. He had just put money on his phone so that we could text, and then I never heard anything.

N.O.T.H.I.N.G.

He never texted me, he didn't answer his phones...nothing.

I have been beside myself worrying. But finally I got ahold of him!

He sounded exhausted and he said he couldn't talk now, but at least I know he's okay.

Thank God!

via GIPHY

Getting Back In The Saddle

Well, things have been rough for a long time, and I felt like I had really fallen off the horse.

Of course, part of it is the fact that I lost my job, I can't afford all of my medications now that I have no insurance, and I have new health issues that have appeared this year. And it is difficult to eat well when you are driving back and forth across three states every few days. But, I feel like I really let life get the best of me.

I had a few days where I could feel depression coming over me like a cloud. All I wanted to do was sleep, I wasn't feeling well for over a week, and I was just really bummed that I can't find a job, about my weight, and I was really missing Alex. I felt like moving to Colorado was supposed to be a fresh start and it was turning into the same old crap.

But, at long last, mom and I, all our things, and both our cars are in one place!!

I keep telling myself that things aren't going to be this bleak forever and that I just need to get back in the saddle. Developing a routine will help me get some normalcy in my life. Eating better will also help me feel better, and will hopefully lead to losing weight, which will make me feel better about myself.

While I can't control when I get a job, I have plans to build my skills in other ways. I'm hoping to do some volunteering that will help me get some experience in areas where I lack. I would love to get some experience in cataloging, archives, or maybe at a museum, so that's what I'm going to try for.

I started to make small steps, putting a few things away here, cleaning a little there, buying some organizational things, etc., and it started to help me pull out of the funk. I also found my CPAP and started using it, which is helping my energy levels greatly!

And the biggest boost was receiving a text message out of the blue from Alex!

We hadn't been able to text back and forth for months because of some unknown problem, but last Tuesday I got a text and was super excited. I couldn't text back at first, but then the next day we got it all figured out and for five days we texted like two teenagers. It was great. It really boosted my mood.

So, while I occasionally have moments of anger, disappointment, hopelessness, etc., I think I am finally finding my stride.

Oh! And I decided to join WeightWatchers again, so I'm hoping that I'll start losing weight again, which will help in many ways.

I'm still a little bruised from falling out of the saddle, but I'm not going to let it keep me down!

*I'm kinda obsessed with my new bitmoji...

Couldn't Get Any Worse...

A couple years ago I posted about how terrible our move went. I thought to myself, there is no way that any future move could ever be as terrible as this.

Man, was I wrong!

Things have been a lot harder than I expected since being laid off. I really thought that the stars were aligning, that I had found the perfect job and everything was in order. So, I didn't get that job, and this move has turned into a nightmare.

As I admitted last time, we are pretty much hoarders. We got rid of a lot last time, but we had a lot more to get rid of. We had a couple sales and got rid of some bigger furniture items, we donated several car loads of cookbooks (mom has a slight obsession...) and several loads of other things to Goodwill, but we didn't get rid of near enough.

And, we spent too much time goofing off, so when we had the truck, we weren't ready. We had some great family members who came and helped us load the truck and keep boxing stuff up, but in the end, we had to leave stuff.

A week later we drove back to finish.

Again, things did not go so well.

We ended up staying a day later than we planned, and we decided to stay in a hotel in a nearby town. The second night as we were leaving to go back to the hotel, we ran smack dab into a deer.

I mean what?!?!?!?

The thing was pretty much just standing in the middle of the highway. We managed to drive the rest of the way to the hotel, though we probably shouldn't have. The next morning, instead of getting a really early start, we spent half the day calling insurance and getting the car to the body shop. So, we are going to have to make another trip back.

Will it ever end?!?!?!?!?

I just almost can't face another drive back.

I'm not going to talk about how this is the worst move ever...maybe then the next one won't be so bad.

On top of all the drama, the semester is starting soon and I am really missing all the people I used to work with, and seeing all the emails and photos from my former co-workers makes me feel kind of blue.

Here's hoping that when we get everything wrapped up in the old house and don't have to drive back any more, I won't feel as blue.

Poor, poor car.

Big Changes Coming Soon

Ehrmergerd, Ehrmergerd, Ehrmergerd, Ehrmergerd!!!!

For quite a long time I have been wanting to leave the town where I grew up, and really my home state all together, but it just never happened. And now that I am actually going, finally leaving it all behind, I'm kinda scared.

It's strange to think that one week from today we will be driving across the country to our new home. One week from now we will be IN our new home.

This new phase is exciting, scary, and seems just plain wild.

Hang on self! We're in for a wild ride.




P.S. I'm really tired of packing...

Enjoying My Last Few Days

Well, here I am on day two of my last week of employment, sitting at home, enjoying my vacation. Last Friday I had a lovely farewell reception and was touched by all those who came to wish me well. I got lots of hugs, cards and well wishes. It was really nice, since I had been having dreams that no one would come.

I don't think it has really sunk in yet that I will be unemployed in two days. I'm in this state of flux and it is scary and exciting all at once.

I'm hopeful that I will hear something about a job soon, but in the meantime I will just keep working to organize and downsize so that I am ready for whatever is next.

via GIPHY

It's Done! Well, Almost...

Well, I graduated!!!!

Except I didn't.

So, long story very short, I didn't get feedback on my translations until about 2 days before I needed to turn them in. So, I didn't have the time to fine-tune and correct my translations let alone to finish writing the 20 page report about my internship. After talking with my advisor, we filed for an exception that would allow for my final grades to be turned in 2 weeks late.

Normally you have to be enrolled in at least one credit the semester you graduate, so if I deferred graduation to August, I would have to pay like $600 to enroll in a credit even though all my work is already turned in.

We went ahead as if they had accepted my request, but I got word this past Wednesday that they denied my request. But, they did tell me that I wouldn't have to pay for any credits.

So, I have a chance to redo a paper by Monday, and then I will officially have everything turned in and be done with my degree requirements.

So, I may not officially graduate until August, but so what. I will finally be done!

Hallelujah!

Praise Jeebus!

It's Raining Answers

For a lot of my life, OK, let's not lie, most of my life, I have felt like I never got any answers. This was one of my biggest struggles with my relationship with God. I prayed and prayed and prayed and did all the things I was supposed to (and did not do the things I was not supposed to), but my life had no direction, no purpose. The things that I wanted the most, there was no sign of them every coming. My life has been rough in a lot of ways, but there was never any sign of which direction I should go, if I was doing the right thing. Finally, I just started living and forging my own path.

I had been doing pretty well the last couple years. I was seeing a counselor and working on me, I was forming solid friendships, I was plowing through school and work, and I was fairly happy with where my life was at. I finally found my someone and we decided to get married...life was seeming OK.

Then I was told I was being laid off.

At first I told myself it's a good thing, which it is, but my heart is having a harder time reconciling with it than my head. On top of that communication with Alex has been, well, not great. He's been having a rough time and has been drinking a fair bit again, and I was just beginning to wonder if maybe it was time to give up on this dream.

But ever since that day when I got the news, at every turn I keep getting showered with signs.

My work BFF got a new job and a lot of my favorite peeps were leaving or retiring so there were no longer so many things to keep me there. Later that day I find out my counselor is leaving. No staying because of her. Pretty much every tie to here was broken!

So, I've been feeling down about things with Alex, especially since he was really drunk when I called last weekend, but I called today. We talked and he told me about this last bout of drinking. He said that he knew that he just can't start drinking, and he just kept hoping that he could quit on his own, but he now realized that he can't.

Then he told me that as soon as his mouth is healed (something happened during the drinking binge, I didn't understand what, but his mouth hurts) he is going to go to a treatment center in the capital city.

He's going for treatment.

He's going for treatment!!!!

Wham! Answer.

I can tell you that I am so excited!!! To think that since March 2015 we have gone from him putting some of the blame on me, to him admitting that he is an alcoholic and that he can't stop if he starts, to it is his fault and his alone, and now to recognizing he needs help.

For the first time in my life I feel like someone is fighting for me, fighting for us.

I feel so much more hopeful, and I feel that, even though I don't know where this path is headed, it is going in the right direction.

I guess I just had to wait twenty years for answers.

Emotions Running Up and Down

As time goes on I keep having more emotions about everything. When I was first told that my position was being eliminated I put on a brave face, but the more time that goes by, and the closer that day gets, the more I'm finding myself on an emotional roller coaster.

Because of the uncertainty that I'm facing in my life, I'm feeling uncertain about a lot of things. I've started having bad dreams about work, I have been seriously stressed out the last couple weeks with my comprehensive exams going on, communication has been problematic with Alex, and so on. My life has just been turned upside down and I am so confused.

On top of that, I've packed on about 15 pounds over the last couple weeks. I'm trying to decide if I should do the weight-loss surgery and am feeling really crappy about gaining weight again. Then with all the prom pics going around, and after watching a bunch of episodes of "Say Yes to the Dress," it's brought up a bunch of old feelings and insecurities. I never got to go prom dress shopping, and I don't think I'll get to do the whole wedding dress thing, either. And even if I did get to go, no one carries dresses in my size, anyway.

I feel like Alex and I are never going to actually make it to the same country, let alone actually get married. And now I find myself wondering if I'm headed in the right direction with him. I just want to be able to spend some time with him. I had planned on using the three weeks of vacation that I had saved up to go visit this summer, but that won't happen now. I really want to run away, and pull an "Eat, Pray, Love" for just a month or two so we can be together, but I just don't see how I can.

Everything is just up in the air and I am completely frazzled. Somedays I'm good, and others I just want to bawl.

I just keep telling myself that this too shall pass.

Sigh.

The Sky Is Falling!

Today was an unexpected day.

The college where I work has been facing budget crunches for the last few years. The imbeciles in Iowa who call themselves politicians have not given much of any increases to educational institutions for the past two years. Two years ago they, illegally, did not pass a budget until 4 months after they were supposed to. That, coupled with dwindling enrollment has meant bad news financially.

I have been very unhappy at my job for quite awhile. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE the people I work with! They are the reason I have stayed this long. (That and a little thing called a paycheck...) But after the roller coaster of abuse I have taken for the last three years, for my own health, I need to get out of there.

I've known that I really need to move on for awhile, but there have been things keeping me in place. Paycheck, insurance, co-workers, friends, hope that I'd be able to move up, and so on. Well O.M.G.! Just as the flood gates opened when my first boss retired and began to poor down instability and yuckiness, now the flood gates seem to be opening in the opposite manner.

Since I am currently the only employee in my area (new boss starts mid-May), I felt pretty secure in my job.

Then it happened. I was summoned.

I was told that my position was being cut and they were replacing the two associate positions with all part time staff. As much as it was a shock, I really think that maybe they are doing me a favor.

The universe seems to be telling me it is time to move on. First, with the retirement of some dear faculty members, with the news that my co-worker had taken another job, and now with the news of my elimination. Those are some pretty strong signs, but it doesn't stop there. A friend posted a job that would be the crème de la crème for me on my Facebook wall. And then, I got a letter today that my counselor is leaving.

Literally everything that has been holding me here on some level is disappearing. It's like a cosmic tornado is coming through and wiping my slate clean.

And it has been great to have so much support from the people I work with and to know just how much they really care about me.

Yes, it's shitty. Yes, it's scary, especially the thought of no insurance, but I feel that, for once in my life, everything is falling into place.

Well, here's hoping.

P.S. When I got home I saw this in my news feed. Yet another sign?

My Life Got Flipped-Turned Upside Down

So I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there, and I tell ya all about...

No, I did not become the Prince of Bel-Air.

I don't talk about work much and for a reason. So many people just go venting about work not thinking about the fact that people from work can see what they post. I am not one of those people, however, right now my job is a stressful area.

Without going into detail, my co-worker left in April 2012, my boss retired in June, and ever since there has been nothing but turnover. My third boss since fall 2012 is starting soon, and we are on our second replacement for my co-worker.

Of course, on top of this turmoil, I have been in grad school, and now and trying to get a visa for my fiance. You could say I've had stress overload.

I've been struggling with some depression and anxiety for quite a while now, and it was really bad the week before spring break. Things were finally starting to look up the first day of break. I took it easy, relaxed a little, and then I was going to form a plan to get some shit done!

Then, on Tuesday, my co-worker and work bff told me that she had accepted another job.

via GIPHY

How do you be happy for someone and at the same time not let on that you are blindsided and devastated?

It's really hard.

I knew that she had applied, but she kept saying she didn't really want the job, and I never expected her to leave so quickly.

So, for the rest of the afternoon I just sat on the couch--my body felt as if it weighed two tons. My arms were like lead, my stomach churned, and I repeatedly wept. Was I happy for her? Yes! It is a great opportunity for her, but all that I could see is that I was going to be stuck in a place by myself for weeks, with no boss and no co-worker. Again...

Everyday this week I have been slower and slower in getting to work as if I could somehow stop time in doing so. These last two weeks have been pretty normal because I've been able to keep putting those thoughts out of my mind, but tomorrow is the last day.

Tomorrow is the calm before the storm.

I will endeavor to keep my cool and not let things get to me, but c'mon...this is me we're talking about.

Is long-suffering a quality employers desire??

Here's to you friend! Best of luck in your new endeavors!

But I still hate you for leaving...

Kidding! I love you...

But I'm still mad...

Yeah Baby! Yeah!

Today was pretty fantastic.

No, I didn't get a promotion. No, I didn't win the lottery. Well, actually I did, in a way.

We all take things for granted. All of us. Every. last. one. We take it for granted that the people we love will be there tomorrow.We take it for granted that we can simply text someone and get a response in seconds (or get really pissed because it takes them 5 minutes to respond...I can see that you read it a$$hole!!!!)

Life can be so overwhelming, and sometimes we need a reminder to really appreciate everything that we do have.

When I was in Belarus in December and January, I took my mom's old iPhone with me to leave for Alex. He has a very basic model (hates technology in general) and his carrier is new and does not have an agreement with any US companies yet. So, I knew that if he had an iPhone and we got him a data plan he might finally be able to text me. (I have been texting him through Skype for two years, but he could not text me back. Nor could he call me.) I gave him the phone towards the end of my stay and didn't have much of a chance to show him how to use it, or be sure that it was set up correctly.

Shit.

I just figured it wasn't gonna work. Ok, no problem. It was worth a try.

Then one day I had a missed call from him! He figured out how to correctly dial me and now he can signal me. I don't answer and then call him back. (It is not cheap for him to call, whereas I have 100 minutes a month for $20. Which is a good thing because we tend to talk for hours at a time.)

I was thrilled. Ok, so maybe he couldn't text me, but he could still reach out. Yesterday he said he had gone to MTS and they got the Internet working on his phone. (Let me just say, it's been a painful process. I was not prepared to explain to a complete beginner how to use an iPhone...in Russian.)

Everyone once in awhile I'd try texting him to see if I got any answers. Yesterday after he said he'd been to MTS I sent another message, but never got a reply. This morning at work, I took my phone out and put it on my desk like normal (I don't like to keep it in my pocket all day) and I noticed that under yesterday's text it said "read"!!!!!

WHOA!

I texted him again. No answer, but it said "read." I texted him a selfie of my and Jazz and then lo and behold A REPLY!

Ohmigod, ohmigod, ohmigod, ohmigod!!!!!!

I kid you not, I was soaring! My heart was doing somersaults in my chest. I was so happy, you'd have thought I won that 1.5 billion dollar lottery.

I was telling all my friends the fantastic news. Most were very excited for me, but one or two were less than impressed. (At least it seemed that way to me.)

It made me feel kinda bad. All my friends here have their partners/spouses in the same town as them. It may not seem like a big deal to you, but you and your partner can text/call/visit in person whenever you want. I've seen my fiancé twice in the past 16 years, this is a lot for me.

Ok, maybe I talk about him a lot. Do you talk about your boy/girlfriend a lot? I'm perhaps overly sensitive, but I just wanted a few minutes to share in happiness with those closest to me.

Be thankful, all of you, for what and who you have in your life. Be thankful that the closest you can feel to being with your loved one is not simply seeing "delivered" change to "read" on your phone, and for one brief moment feeling like they are just across town, and not 5000 miles away.

Don't take people or things for granted.

Tell them you love them.

Every time.

Harrumph!

I know winter sucks, but GEESH!

Since I've been home from Belarus I thought I was doing really well. I miss Alex, but I've not been in a deep dark depression and lying in bed crying all day. I was so relaxed and rested when I came home and I thought the first week back would zing me big time, but work was creepily quiet and it was actually a pretty boring week. This last week...REALITY.

Thursday night while I was home alone I realized that I was shoving anything and everything in my mouth. Part of me has been like "you don't really need to lose weight, Alex loves you just how you are." Then the other part is all like "get off your fat ass and get healthy!"

I've been feeling conflicted and helpless. And today I'm just a grumpy ass bitch. I have a bunch of stuff to do in a very short time to complete my incomplete classes from last semester, I've barely been able to talk to Alex since I've been home and I miss him terribly, and now I'm upset because my best friend lost a good friend yesterday. I am the type of person who needs to do something for the people I care about. I don't really feel the need to fix things, but I feel the need to make things better, to cheer them up, to support them...to pick them up off the bathroom floor at 3 a.m. and hold them while they cry and puke, and it's killing me because I can't do a damned thing for anyone!

What I feel like I want want right now is to throw in the towel. I want to give up on my degrees. I want to run away somewhere and start over. I'm trying very hard to be positive, but let's face it, since 2012 my life has been pretty whacked up.

Yesterday my brother texted and said he was taking part in a weightless challenge at work and I suggested we have a competition between the two of us to see who can lose the most weight during his challenge at work. Loser buys pizza next time I'm in Denver. I'm hoping that this will be just the motivation I need to bring me out of the pit.

Starting today, I trying to eat better and to declutter my life. I just need to make it to May and to finish these damnable degrees and then I can collapse and blubber for awhile. I want to get another Y membership but I totally screwed up my right foot when I was in Belarus, so I have to take it easy for a little while. I'm going to try lifting weights as that will not involve standing or putting pressure on my heel.

Ok, let's try and turn this frown upside down.

Love Makes Fools Of Us All

But it makes bigger fools of some than others.

So, here I sit at the kitchen table drinking my tea. It's my ninth whole day here and so far, well it's been mostly shit.

We started out alright. The first day when I arrived all was good. He was sober, we had a lovely dinner, and then things started to go downhill. He had a bottle of something that first night and slept most of Monday, although we did talk for periods and he fixed me stuff to eat. Then Tuesday all seemed to be looking up. We got on the bus and rode to the police station to register my visa and we were like a couple of teenagers. We stood next to each other on the bus and it was a bumpy ride so I put my hand behind me on the bar and his hand was there so we secretly held hands, so to speak. The way he looked at me, the way he lead me around...it was perfect. But then I didn't have my insurance information with me and we had to leave and would have to go back to the police station by Thursday.

It was terrible rainy weather and he prefers to walk, but he's much faster than I am so it took us forever, it was very unpleasant, and he grumbled a little. Finally, we got to the bank and I paid the registration fee and then he said we should go to ZAGs, the office for applying for marriage, but my feet hurt, I was tired cold and wet and I really wanted to get my phone working so I could text mom and everyone back home. So, we decided that we'd do ZAGs the next day, as we had to come back anyway.

This is where I should have known better. As we were walking we came to a store that sells Kristall, a high quality brand of vodka made here in Belarus. He said he wanted to get some for me to try. I said I don't think that's a good idea. I said I'm afraid the same thing as last time will happen. Of course he said it wouldn't. Did I know better, yes. I thought, ok, it will be a little test. So we went in, got vodka, and I got some champagne to drink because I love Soviet Champagne. Then we went to MTS so I could take care of my phone and he went out to smoke.

Warning bells were going off!!

Somewhere in the back of my mind I thought, he's out there taking a swig. I came out, we went next door to a store that sells clothing and suits made here in Dzerszhinsk and looked at a suit for him. I thought he was acting a little strange. When we left he said that weren't any more buses and that it was a long walk so we should get a taxi.

We walked over to the taxi stand and I noticed he wasn't walking in a straight line. When we got home, I looked in the bag and sure enough a bottle was missing. I asked where did the bottle go, and he looked at me as if I were stupid and said there was no other bottle, he didn't know anything about it, it wasn't his fault. In that moment I understood that yes, it was gonna be like last time. Offended, he went off to sleep.

Later he of course wanted more and ended up drinking at least half of my champagne. All day Wednesday he was pretty much asleep and I said to him at some point that I had to go finish my registration and that I really needed him to get his shit together. Thursday, I finally got him out of bed and I could tell that he was pretty hungover but at least he was out and we were getting stuff done. On the bus, he said that he had to get off and go help a friend who was an invalid and he'd meet me there. I kind of panicked and thought I hope I can figure out where to get off!

Well, I got the police station ok and waited. And waited. And waited. I only have internet on my phone so I couldn't call him but I could still text like I do normally through Skype, which as it turns out would be pointless. After an hour, the man who we had seen about the registration came out and asked if I had gotten registered and I said no that I was waiting for my friend. He motioned me to come in because they had a short work day and technically were off the clock in ten minutes. He tried calling Alex and all we got was a busy signal. I explained to him that we had gotten on the bus together, that he had gotten off to help a friend and that we were supposed to meet the station.

All we were missing was Alex's signature. Sigh. So we went outside to see if we could see him and the man, Sergei Anatolievich, asked me if I knew how to get home. I said no. He said do you have money and I said yes. He asked If I knew the address and I said yes.He said, come on, I'm leaving anyway, I'll drive you home. Then he said do you have a key and I said no, but his mother lives not far from him, I can go there. He said ok, took me out to the car, opened the door for me, talked to me the whole drive and told me not to be upset, everything will be ok. I wanted to cry just because I couldn't believe how kind he was.

Well, Nina was a bit surprised when we showed up at her house but she took me in and fed me, gave me her key and sent me on my way. When I got back they was in the outside of the door and Alex was lying there on the little sofa inside the entryway, dunk.

I was livid.

Since then he has continued drinking. I know he hates that he has hurt me, but the urge to drink overpowers any desire to not hurt me. Mom has been urging me to change my ticket and come back home, but then a few days ago I got a cold, and now have an ear infection. I don't really want to try flying internationally with an ear infection and cold, and by this point we're looking at probably upwards of at least $1000 to change my ticket.

Sadly, I have gone from hope we can salvage some time together to not caring as long as he leaves me alone and I can rest.

And that, in the immortal words of Paul Harvey, is the rest of the story.

Did I handle everything right? I'm sure not, if there is a right way to handle such things. Am I done with him? I don't know. Now I know that some reading this will be like, what the heck, just dump him, but sometimes it's just not that easy to actually do.

Of two things I am sure, that I love him and that he loves me. Whether the Beatles were right or not, remains to be seen.

Oh, and yesterday when Nina went with me to finish my registration, Sergei Anatolievich drove us most of the way home. There are kind people in the world.

Crash!

So, I got some really good news yesterday and was really excited as I was driving home. I was on my way to a meeting of our little Sherlock club and life couldn't seem to get any better.

But then...

I was driving down Center where the speed limit is 45. There is a drive coming out of the Wal-Mart parking lot and there was a pickup waiting to turn left, and then a maroon car pulled forward. I thought that the person was just going to roll forward to see better, but then I realized that the car was still moving.

I hit the horn, hit the brakes and the car just kept rolling forward. I couldn't completely swerve to the left, but right at the end I started to turn toward the left to avoid hitting the car head on. The collision pushed me into the left lane and the other car up onto the curb a little. That car was able to pull up in the grass and out of the street.

After I got over the initial shock, I tried to pull my car over more to get the rear of my car out of the right lane but I could only move it a little. I felt something kind of snap and it was barely moving. The guy in the pickup truck pulled over and his wife went over to check on the little old lady and he came over to check on me. His wife had called the police.

I was shaking. After it happened I called mom and said "I've been in an accident in front of Wal-Mart. I'm ok."

We waited for the police, got all information shared, got the car towed and then went on to the Sherlock meeting. Karma finally came around in a good way--I ordered a glass of wine and got extra because it was the end of the bottle!

Insurance agent was closed today, so tomorrow I will have to deal with all of that. But the car is all cleaned out and ready for whatever.