Saturday, January 23, 2016


I know winter sucks, but GEESH!

Since I've been home from Belarus I thought I was doing really well. I miss Alex, but I've not been in a deep dark depression and lying in bed crying all day. I was so relaxed and rested when I came home and I thought the first week back would zing me big time, but work was creepily quiet and it was actually a pretty boring week. This last week...REALITY.

Thursday night while I was home alone I realized that I was shoving anything and everything in my mouth. Part of me has been like "you don't really need to lose weight, Alex loves you just how you are." Then the other part is all like "get off your fat ass and get healthy!"

I've been feeling conflicted and helpless. And today I'm just a grumpy ass bitch. I have a bunch of stuff to do in a very short time to complete my incomplete classes from last semester, I've barely been able to talk to Alex since I've been home and I miss him terribly, and now I'm upset because my best friend lost a good friend yesterday. I am the type of person who needs to do something for the people I care about. I don't really feel the need to fix things, but I feel the need to make things better, to cheer them up, to support pick them up off the bathroom floor at 3 a.m. and hold them while they cry and puke, and it's killing me because I can't do a damned thing for anyone!

What I feel like I want want right now is to throw in the towel. I want to give up on my degrees. I want to run away somewhere and start over. I'm trying very hard to be positive, but let's face it, since 2012 my life has been pretty whacked up.

Yesterday my brother texted and said he was taking part in a weightless challenge at work and I suggested we have a competition between the two of us to see who can lose the most weight during his challenge at work. Loser buys pizza next time I'm in Denver. I'm hoping that this will be just the motivation I need to bring me out of the pit.

Starting today, I trying to eat better and to declutter my life. I just need to make it to May and to finish these damnable degrees and then I can collapse and blubber for awhile. I want to get another Y membership but I totally screwed up my right foot when I was in Belarus, so I have to take it easy for a little while. I'm going to try lifting weights as that will not involve standing or putting pressure on my heel.

Ok, let's try and turn this frown upside down.

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