Monday, June 15, 2015

Get Low

Ok, so I may have had a little bit of a low point the past week or so. First of all, let me just say that hormones are a bitch. I am certain that they are in a large part responsible for the extremity of my lowness.

There has been a good amount of communication between me and my dude about the whole spring break fiasco. I sent him a four page letter telling him exactly how I felt about everything. Up until that point, it always seemed like he was still blaming me a little. However, I talked to him the day after he got it and his attitude seemed to have changed. Gone were the hints of "you should have stopped me" and he emphatically stated that it was all his fault and that he really screwed up. He admitted that he was "a stupid idiot" to which I agreed. (Read more here and here.)

So, I have been feeling a little better about things, where we are at, where he is at, and that I think he has finally opened his eyes to the mess that he has made, and I felt like there might still be a chance. Then, feeling sad and lonely and missing him like hell, I started to feel like it is just impossible.

Even if we decide that we want the same things, and even if we decide to give it a go, I just don't know how it will ever happen. I think about this type of visa, then another, and another, but there is always a huge obstacle. He has no money, I have very little. There are always so many strings attached to visas. And it is even harder considering where he is coming from.

I am trying to remain hopeful and optimistic but at this moment, I just don't see how there can ever be a happy ending.

That makes me kinda depressed. And then after being depressed for awhile, I get really pissed off. And it's probably very stupid, but it's probably the biggest thing that makes me really mad at God. It's like, what? I don't deserve someone to love? You can do all these miraculous things, but you don't feel like bothering with me? My whole life has been running around a track constantly jumping hurdles. Don't get me wrong--my life is pretty good overall and it could be so much worse. I just constantly have a lot on my plate. I feel like all I do is survive.

So, my challenge is, and always has been, to figure out a way to live my life and be content even if I never get the deepest desires of my heart.

Sometimes I wonder if I am just not one of those tragic souls who struggles through life, never really finding what it is they are longing for, but lifting others up and making others better as I go. Part of me is ok with that--kind of a romantic martyrdom--the rest of me is very not ok with that.

One thing I know for certain is that I keep learning about myself and discovering strengths I never knew I had (not that I ever wanted them), and have learned that I am ok. Being an INFP (if you have never taken the Meyers Briggs personality test you should really try it out! here is a free version), I tend to romanticize and idealize love and relationships, have really high, probably unattainable standards, and this doesn't help when you're lonely, but I am learning to be ok with who I am and being on my own. It may not be what I really want, but what I really want is a Jane Austen novel, soooo, yeah...

I really think too much. Maybe I need to spend a little less time inside my head, and a little more time in the world.

Or not.

I've also been struggling with eating and exercising :( which makes me feel even worse.

Thankfully, I have some fantastic friends who are totes amazeballs! Lins is my sounding board and voice of calm wisdom and reassurance (and she has graciously provided me with the most adorable "niece" who I can play with and spoil). Jazz keeps me in line at work and lets me be my extremely weird self without running away (she only runs away with me!). Marie is another calming influence who also lets me be my weird self and runs away with me occasionally either to lunch or to paint pottery. Sharon may be quite a bit older than me, but she is a great person to have a wine and bitch session with, and also provides me with an experienced ear. Jackie is a long way away, but so much fun and her bubbly personality always cheers me up! I can tell her absolutely anything without her even batting an eye. And Kristin is always ready to get into trouble with me!

I love each of these ladies and cherish the diverse backgrounds and experiences they have had. Without them, my life would be very sad! (And I would be a lot more confused and less mentally stable.) I am also very thankful for my supportive family members.

So, I will endeavor to quit being sad about what I don't have, to keep the faith that things will work out somehow, and to live my life.


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