Facing my fears.

How many times have I gotten completely disgusted with myself and said that things were going to be different, or lost a bunch of weight and promised myself I would never go back?  Too many.  On the eve of the beginning of Live Healthy Iowa (part of Live Healthy America) as I am deciding that I AM going to do this, that I CAN change, I decided that perhaps I need to examine the reasons I have failed in the past, it's time to face my fears, or I will never change.

What am I afraid of?

• Failure or success?
• That people won't like me, or that they will?
• That someone could never love me, or that they could?
• That I am worthless, or priceless?

Someone once forwarded me this quote from A Return to Love: Reflections on the principles of a Course in Miralces by Marianne Williamson, often incorrectly attributed to Nelson Mandela, and it rocked my world.  (from http://skdesigns.com/internet/articles/quotes/williamson/our_deepest_fear/)

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Could their possibly be any truth to that?  Have I been hiding behind my fear of inadequacy so that I don't have to deal with the fact that I am adequate, that I am powerful beyond measure, that I CAN do whatever I put my mind to?  Have I truly come to a place where it is more comfortable to live in the lies, because if I faced the truth that means I would have no more excuses?  I would no longer be able to cry and blame and push responsibility off onto other people.

How ironic that that which I crave most, relationships (friends, boyfriend, etc.) are what I have been building up walls against, protecting myself from, and being downright scared of!  I want attention and affection, but what would I do if I got what I've been dreaming of?  Run scared!  I've spent my whole life building a fortress around myself so that people can't get close.  That way I don't have to accept any responsibility, and no one can prove me wrong.

So, let's face it:

• I CAN make the changes that I want to make!
• It sucks that what happened happened, but I WILL take responsibility for my life from this point on.
• IT IS GOING TO BE HARD!  The road is long and bumpy.
• I WILL fall down, but I WILL get back up again, every time!
• I Will allow people to know me and to see what a great person I am, and love me.
• Being fat does NOT define who I am as a person!

I pledge to myself that I will look my fears right in the face, and while they may intimidate me, they will not overpower me!  I am stronger, smarter, more talented, and more beautiful than I have ever given myself credit for, but no longer will I berate myself.  I am living a new life, a life free from former shackles and full of love and positivity!

Failure, you are done here!  Inadequacy, you have no place in my life!  Self pity and loathing, get out!

Life...look out!