Sunday, May 5, 2013

Crushed

I feel as though my world, my hopes and dreams have all been shattered.

I've been working on a book which is a fictionalized version of my life.  I don't know about the rest of you, but I need a plan, a dream--something to hope for, or else I don't hope for anything.  So, my plan was to write this book, it would be turned into a movie and not only would I fulfill my dream of acting, but I would meet Jeremy Renner and fall madly in love.  Tonight, I was doing well writing, getting into it and I stopped to look up something on the interent when I see that  JR and his ex have just had a baby.

My.world.is.crushed.

Yes, I know that my plan was never going to become a reality, but it was the hope that kept me going, kept me striving for something.  Now, I am sitting here looking at these words I've written and I want to toss it all away.

How stupid is that?

It's very stupid, but that's what I feel like.

I was texting with a good friend last night who has found someone she really likes and I'm very happy for her.  I was saying that I hope by the time they might ever get hitched, if they decided to, I would hopefully have someone to be my date.  She told me I just needed to keep believing and to have faith, he's out there somewhere and I need to trust God.

Well, I don't have hope.  I don't have faith.  I don't trust God, because he, just like everyone else, has let me down.  I want, desperately want there to be someone in my life someday, but I cannot convince myself that there will be.  I know that there have been good things in my life and I am grateful for them, not that my mother would think I was, but what about the one thing I truly want?

When I went to hang out with my friend last weekend, I found her outback with her neighbors, two wonderful people who I knew from church.  They asked where I was going to church and I said nowhere.  They said "you need to go somewhere."  Thing is, I don't want to.  I've kinda had it with organized religion.  People are imperfect (look at me) and they screw things up--hurt other people and turn them off of the church.

What it boils down to is that I am mad.  I had a church home for fifteen plus years, but suddenly no one wanted me to be involved, the church leaders wouldn't even return phone calls, and I felt that the years I had spent pouring my all into that church were wasted and no one cared about me.  Heck, no one even called to say we miss you, or noticed that I was gone.

I'm mad at God, because he got to create everything and he gets to have everything his way.  I feel like we are in a cosmic video game and we really don't have choices because God will do whatever he wants anyway.  And I'm still mad at what he made me.  People say God doesn't make mistakes, but if I'm not a mistake, then I'm a pretty cruel joke.  I didn't ask to be here, I didn't ask to spend my whole life being lonely and being bullied because I was chubby.  I'm mad that I'm almost thirty-two and I have still never had a relationship, and because I am disgusted by myself because of others' hurtful words.

I feel that I have no purpose.  If I don't have someone to do things for or some sort of dream to long for then I feel worthless.

I believe in God, don't get me wrong.  I just don't think it's fair.  Why does he know what's best?  Why can't I have some say in my life?

Well, I've been on a high for about three months, so I guess this was bound to happen.  Wouldn't it be nice if we could reboot ourselves--just start fresh.  Wouldn't it be nice if I could purge all those hurtful words and deeds from my mind?  Wouldn't it be nice if someone could love me, if I could love me, in spite of myself?

Maybe I'll just sit on the porch and drink some wine.

Thank goodness I have a couple great ladies to keep me going.  Without them, I'd be completely lost.

And yes...I would like a big frickin' piece of cheese with my whine!



2 comments:

  1. Grrr.... I know exactly how you feel about organized religion. But here's the deal, there's NO WAY THAT YOU ARE A MISTAKE. You are an incredible, thoughtful, loyal friend and I'm sorry that people have made you feel worthless. YOU DON'T DESERVE THAT.

    Keep writing - and write for YOURSELF. Not for anyone else. Or, write for me because I'm curious as to how the story ends ;)

    I fucking love you. You'll pull through this, dude. You are strong and wonderful and Jeremy Renner probably leaves the toilet seat up anyway.

    ReplyDelete

Am I In A Time Warp?

Geez! As you get older you figure out that the adults in your life actually knew what they were talking about when you thought you knew bet...