Thursday, April 23, 2015

Color Me Confused

So, you could probably guess that I still am a long way from figuring out how I feel about the whole trip to Belarus. Pretty much everyday I have a mental battle:

I want to call him.

No, don't call him.

But, I want to hear his voice.

No, you have nothing to say.

I resisted calling. Mostly because I didn't really have anything to say. This weekend I decided to just call so that he knew I hadn't completely given up on him. I was nervous. It actually was a pretty good conversation, even though I felt like my Russian, which I had spoken with such confidence in Belarus, was at 2 year old level.

He was in good spirits, seemed very glad that I had called, and sounded like a normal person, that is a sober person. We talked a little and then he said "you may not believe me, but since you left I have not had anything to drink." I responded that I hoped that was true.

I was glad that he recognized the fact that I may not believe him. I hope he understands that he is going to have to work very hard to get my trust back.

When we were talking I was like, well I hope that's so, but I ain't gettin' my hopes up, but in the days since, my hope keeps wanted to bubble up and out. I keep pushing back down. Not that I won't allow myself to hope at all, it's just that right now, until I get more info from him, I have no idea what direction this might go in.

So here I am, in limbo.

And it's driving me CrAzY!

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