Girl's Day Out!

While I don't know any of the details--how? when? where?--I am trying to plan ahead a little, and I am trying to enjoy this time.  So, my work bestie and I are going to a bridal show on Sunday!

I've always wanted to go to one of those shows/conventions so I asked Jazz if she would like to go. You know, there are some people who are always the bridesmaid and never the bride...well I've never even been a bridesmaid. I was the flower girl at my uncle's first wedding, but that's it, so I have very little wedding experience, except for going and sitting and watching everyone else be happy.

Sunday, Jazz and I are just going to go and have a fun time imagining and daydreaming and most importantly... eating cake!

http://yourweddingiowa.com/bridal-forum/

Bring on the sparkles!

Grr.

Today just hasn't been the greatest day.

You know, the crappiest parts about a really long distance relationship are the obstacles in communicating. All you peeps out there who can call your love bunny any time you want, you see each other several times a week, you text one another stupid selfies...don't take it for fucking granted.

I have always been ok with writing letters--there is something so romantic about handwritten letters. And this summer I got pretty spoiled because I could almost call whenever I wanted. Now the semester has started and my schedule is not as flexible and most days when I get off at 5, it is 1 a.m. there. So, I have to wait and call on the weekends.

That's all great in theory, except that now I not only have work, I have a class to teach, and I have two classes worth of homework and an internship to do so sometimes the weekends are pretty booked too. Last week I thought "Oh boy!!!! Three day weekend!!! I can call Sunday AND Monday!"

Yeah, no.

I tried calling Sunday...no answer. Frowny face. Well, there's still tomorrow, I think. Try calling today, he answers, but can't hear me. Call again, no answer. Call cell phone, no answer. Call home again, no answer.

Pissy face.

On top of that, there are a few people who keep expressing the same concerns and I feel like I just go round and round with them. Ugh.

Someday! Someday, he will be here and I will go to bed at night with him by my side and he will be the first thing I see in the morning. If won't be perfect, but maybe it will be good.

In the meantime, I have some fantastic señoritas who keep me going! Lins, Jackie and Jazz, I couldn't manage without you!

Well, excuse me, but a very large glass of wine is calling my name.

Everything will be ok.

Twitter-pated

It has been very interesting to see the various reactions I have gotten from people when I tell them that I am engaged. Many people have been somewhat cautious, telling me that I should be cautious and that this is not the way they would pick for me to go. A few people have been very happy for me.

I really understand why people are telling me to be cautious and possibly wondering if I've lost my marbles after what happened last spring. I get it, I really do, but I also know how he and I have spent many hours talking about what happened, talking about what could be, and just talking. I know he has issues, so do I (though mine are perhaps not as obvious and may not seem as serious), but he has also come to a realization that life can be better and that he wants to make it better. Yes, there are going to be lots of hurdles, but I have to at least give it a shot. I can't spend the rest of my life wondering.

Sometimes a person just needs someone to believe in them. If that's the case, I must find out.

In the meantime, I am thoroughly enjoying the feeling of being newly engaged!

We talked on Sunday for about three hours. After two, the conversation turned serious. He asked me if I was coming in December, and said that if I was, he was going to take me by the hand and never let go. I tell you, it was kind of surreal when he started talking about weddings. I mean, isn't it usually the girl who starts talking about weddings?

So, after the warm fuzzies of hearing him say that he had been thinking about this for a long time, that he should have said something so long ago but that he was a fool, I said that we still had a few problems. A little nervous, I mentioned that if I came there, there would not be enough income for me to pay all my bills. He agreed and then I asked if he would consider coming here. He expressed his fears and then agreed that he would come.

I have been walking around, smiling to myself, giggling, and feeling absolutely twitter-pated! No matter how this all turns out, it feels pretty wonderful to know that someone wants to spend their life with you.

I feel like Aurora, waltzing through the forest.

Ok, so maybe this is not the way I've dreamed of things happening, maybe this is no Cinderella story, but if I end up with the man I have loved for so long, and if we can be happy together...what more could I ask for? This is my story. Cinderella can keep hers.

He Likes It

17 years ago today I met a young man.

We became fast friends, almost immediately drawn together, like we had known one another our entire lives. Of course he was cute, but that was not at all what drew me to him. He was nice, very gentlemanly, and sooo funny!

He knew my host sister, and was in the same class as her then boyfriend. He worked at a little store that was only about a block from my host family's house, and I would go, almost everyday, and visit him. Very often I would spend two hours there talking with him. Apparently I had quite a reputation at the store. Ha! No, they just all knew who I was.

I didn't realize at first, and then later tried to deny, that I had totally fallen in love with him. It took me so long to realize it because it was just so natural for us. We were what we were. We were good friends who, through copious amounts of hand gestures and a broken mix of Russian and English, would talk for hours, sometimes in the store, and sometimes going on three hour walks.

He was the first, and probably only person, around whom I felt completely comfortable. For the first time in my seventeen years I didn't feel self-conscious. I never thought about how fat I looked or what anyone else thought of me. And somehow, even though my Russian was almost non-existent and his English was not very good, we still understood each other. It's almost like we understood each other on a cellular level.

Well, after about three months I gave in to the fact that I was smitten, but I never knew if he felt the same. I knew that he really cared for me, but I didn't think it was as more than a dear friend.

Fast forward 17 years.

Of course we wrote letters and talked over the years, except for a period of about five years where we kind of lost touch. When we picked up again, I knew that I still felt the same, I had always longed for him, but figured like a tragic book, it was not meant to be. Then we started writing again and things were a little different--I got little hints that maybe he felt more then friendship.

So, I'm a little conflicted at the moment.

Up to this point I had not been able to get out of him what his feelings for me were exactly and what he wanted for us, if anything, in the future. I have really been enjoying talking to him for hours at a time a couple times a month (continuing our history of multi-hour conversations), and being able to call pretty much anytime I want. But, I felt like it was not really going anywhere. I was looking at it from the view point of being in a relationship, but had no idea how he felt, so to me, it was a relationship going nowhere.

I talked with my counselor on a Friday and that evening I had pretty much decided that I needed to move on. I called him that evening and it was evident that he had been drinking--I could hardly understand him. Of course I was disappointed, but he said it was the first time since I left that he had had a drink, and I had not had any evidence to the contrary, so I am cautiously optimistic.

I called him the next day and he was better, though obviously still not recovered from the previous night. He was very apologetic and when I tried to say I would call a different time he said no, he wanted to say something. It was obvious that he had been kind of depressed, and then he said "do you love me even though I'm shit?" After rolling my eyes and thinking "I'm in love with a drama queen," I said "you're not shit, and yes I love you anyway." He said something about how life was no good and I kind of snapped and said "it can be better, why don't you just try and do something to change it?!" Probably somewhat taken aback he said, "Ok, I'll try."

He then went on to say that I was such a good person and how he didn't want to lie to me, that he didn't love me right away and it was only after I left the first time that realized he cared for me as more than a friend. He also said that there had been other girls, but at some point he realized it wasn't love, it was just sex and he didn't want that any more. He said that he realized I was the only one he could give his heart to.

Then, he apologized for doing this over the phone, but he asked if I was coming in December to visit and I said yes if you want me to, and then he said "If you come in December, would you be my wife?"

With tears in my eyes and twenty different emotions swirling through my body, I didn't answer right away and he said I didn't have to answer now, he asked again and I said "of course."

O.M.G.!

What just happened? He asked me if I would take him as he was and if I would be his wife. He asked me about 5 times.

Did I just get engaged?

He asked if I would stay there with him and I said that I can't because I have to finish school (and have income...) but I said that we would figure it out. So, there is still a lot to figure out and to think about, but at least I finally know how he feels. AND as if all my dreams were coming true, he said to me that he knows I have issues with my weight but that doesn't mean that I'm not attractive. I almost melted.

And now I've been going around singing to myself "He likes it and he wants to put a ring on it!"

There is still a lot to work out and I don't know how or what will happen, but wow!

The Adventure That Started It All

August 17, 1998 I walked out of my door and started the biggest adventure of my life.

I cannot believe that 17 years ago today I arrived in Belarus, 17, exhausted, and away from home for the first time. I had no idea what was coming and I was already feeling a little homesick. When we arrived at my host family's house, I had to crash, and it seemed like I slept for days. It was only actually a couple hours. That evening we went to a school yard, or somewhere where all my host sister's friends were, but to was really dark and my brain was so fuzzy that I don't remember it very clearly.

The first few days were kinda difficult, trying to adjust, not being able to understand much of anything that was going on around me. I talked to mom after having been there for a week. We talked for about 8 minutes and I believe I cried for 7.5 of them.

It was a big deal for me to learn to not only navigate Dzerzhinsk, but also Minsk, and to learn train and bus schedules so I could get to school and home on my own.

I am a true believer in study abroad opportunities! I truly believe that my experience shaped the person I would become. I learned independence, got bit by the travel bug, and fell in love. All at the ripe age of 17.

Reading through my journal brings back so many memories. It will always be one of the best times in my life!

Bolshoi Theater, Moscow

My first time in Red Squre

Tsar Canon in the Kremlin

Tsar Bell in Kremlin

My host parents and Uncle John and his wife on New Year's Eve

My host mom Natasha

My host sisters Nastya and Kate

The view from upstairs

My room

The kitchen

Karlovy Vary (Carlsbad)

I R Special!

So, there I was today, just minding my own beeswax at our staff workshop today. The gave out longevity awards and then they were giving out special awards for outstanding service. So, there I am just sitting there when they say "The next award goes to a Library Associate..."

What?!?!?

I got an award! Wowsa! I was totally surprised. I knew that my then brand new boss had nominated me last year, but I never thought I'd actually get an award.

Woohoo!

They like me! They really, really like me!

It's so purdy!!!!

Hormones Are Evil

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. I know...dangerous! I'm going to partly blame it on hormones, which would explain why I started bawling on the toilet the other night while I was getting ready for bed. (Sorry, tmi...)

On Facebook I follow Poems Porn and a few others that have all these fantastic quotes and sayings. Now this in itself is probably bad because reading the depressing quotes about how life is sad and love is lost does nothing to keep me from depressing myself, but I can't help it! All those sad posts about true love, love lost, and our deepest desires just speak to my soul.

They also cause me to think and I've been thinking a lot about this strange, unidentified relationship I have with Mr. Belarus. One day I think that I need to discuss things with him and understand what he is thinking, what he really wants and how much effort he is going to put in. Then I have moments where I think, "Katie! You idiot, this is never going to work out, you need to move on." And then I spiral downward imagining myself there and saying goodbye forever, just what exactly I would say and how he would react...And then I end up bawling on the toilet.

Talking with my friends about him, they're like he's probably just scared. I'm sure that he is. So am I. Of course I'm scared, but I am also willing to give it my all. What I am afraid of is this: I am one of those rare people that puts their all into every relationship, that's why I am always exhausted. And if I am in an unhealthy relationship, those people can just suck all the life out of me. I value all my relationships way up high and there are very, very few people, almost no one, who does the same. I get so frustrated in relationships because I hold them up so high and other people don't. It took me forever to understand that they may not care about me less, just differently. So I am afraid that this time, he loves me, but not enough to face the fear.

I am afraid that perhaps he isn't really happy, but he has been in this place so long he knows how to deal with it and would rather stay slightly unhappy but comfortable than take a chance and risk things going to hell. I certainly spent a long time in that place, myself. He hasn't really seemed to make much effort or even talk like he would make effort if he could. Perhaps I have it all wrong, but this is what I fear.

My biggest fear in life is that I will always care so much about others that I keep "chasing" them, keep checking on them, keep nurturing them, but that there will never be someone who cares that deeply about me. Sometimes when I am feeling particularly defeatist I feel like that is my entire purpose in life, to pour myself into others until I am depleted, but that I will never find someone who will pour back into me.

I know, I should think positive. I'm not always so good at that. I do try, but sometimes I'm just tired.

So, I get myself all worked up, cry a little, have all kinds of doubts, and then when I talk to him everything feels right. The world feels right.

Ugh! Why are things so complicated?

Exactly!

Who could resist these?