Recently, I have really been challenging and scrutinizing my beliefs and trying to figure out what I believe and why. Some of my beliefs and values have been confirmed, others...I'm still deciding on. One thing I do know with absolute certainty is that this last year has brought a lot of change and growth to me. (I didn't ask for any of it, but looking back, I can see it was necessary--and good.)
One major area I have been testing lately is my ideas about love, sex, and relationships in general. This is a touchy area for me.
Growing up I didn't really have many friends and my family is not very close knit, so I was pretty much always a loner. I spent most of my time around adults, and found them much more pleasant than the imbecilic (ok, they were just kids) kids who made my life a living hell day in and day out. The few friends I had either moved away, were terrible friends, or completely turned on me and joined the other kids in shunning and taunting me.
So, knowing this, it is maybe not so hard to understand why I am either such a "good" friend that I scare people off, or that I give and give and they take and take and simply use me. I'm not sure I've ever, until very recently, had a healthy relationship. Currently, however, my brother and I have a good relationship, I'm working on my relationship with my mother, and I have two wonderful besties with whom I can be myself, no matter who that person is. As long, that is, as I am not an axe murderer...
I am having to learn to leave some mystery in my relationships, to not overload people by being in their faces constantly. And that is just friendship and family kinds of relationships. As for man/woman relationships--totally different story.
Completely without shame I confess that I am 32, have never been on a date, have never been asked out, have never been kissed (remember the movie??). Since I was 10 I grew up (in the Midwest) in a Methodist and then Evangelical Free Church and I completely accepted and never questioned the fact that people were not supposed to, to steal a phrase from my current song obsession, get lucky until they were married. My resolution to remaining pure was helped by the lack of interest from any human with the desired sexual organs, and the fact that having sex would mean being...naked!!! That is a big deal yo a young woman who feels so ashamed about her body that she would rather dig a hole and die than let anyone get a peek!
Not that I have ever been ashamed by the desire to remain sexually pure (there are way too many diseases and always the chance of pregnancy to go around humping anything and everything) but it is something I have struggled with. My carnal side craves flesh, and that whole stupid biological clock thing is sooo not helping, but my Christian good girl roots tell me no, no, no, that's a bad girl. Being 32 and seeing your chances to have babies starting to dwindling also does nothing to help.
I have come to a place where I can accept that, up to this point, I was not ready for any kind of relationship, (big deal for me!) and I'm still not sure that I am yet, and while this doesn't make me any less lonely, it is slightly comforting that when I finally plunge into the dating world, it will be in a somewhat healthy manner.
In fact, at the mo I feel really good about the progress I am making and for the first time am actually ok with the fact that I am not ready for a serious relationship. I have even come up with an ingenious solution--a summer fling! Nothing too serious, just a little something to get my feet wet. I mean, I no longer think that I am going to hold out, find the one magical man, date and get married. There are probably going to be a few tries first, so why not have a little fun?
While this is a great solution, I also realize that there has to be another party involved. I haven't worked that out yet, but I am trying to be more open minded about things, and give people a chance to like me before I outright tell them "you're not going to like me, so I'm not going to give you a chance to not like me." Honestly, what is not to like? (Repeat to self over and over...)
In the meantime, I will live vicariously through Lins and Meggie Moo.