So, this is what that feels like...
For a good portion of my life I have felt lost, adrift. I had all these big dreams, but no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't seem to reach them. I reached some smaller dreams, but the ones my should ached for just seemed to elude me.
For example, I've always dreamed of being a writer. That has yet to happen, but to be honest, I haven't given it much effort.
One of the deepest desires of my heart has been to find a great guy, get married and start a family. For years I have agonized about it. I think to myself, ok, so I haven't found someone to date steadily and I can be ok with that, but it hurts terribly that there has not (that I know of) been anyone even interested.
Well, it may turn out that 15 years ago I said goodbye to the love of my life.
When I was a young 17 year old exchange student I was 100 percent certain that I had found my soulmate. A young man who made me laugh, knew how to make me smile, always had kind words for me, and always made me feel like myself. I could feel that there was a deeper bond there, one that transcended mere words, because we always understood each other even when language failed.
When I left that cold January day I honestly never thought I would see him again.
I hoped and dreamt I would, but inside I felt like Anna and the King--two people from very different worlds who can just never be together. (I know...DRAMA QuEeN!) I was thrilled to see him again the next summer in Kiev and we wrote letters back and forth for years. My heart always new that it wanted him, but it just didn't seem likely. He didn't want to come here, I didn't want to stay there. Over the years I even began to doubt tat he ever really cared for me that much.
Then one day, one fateful day I sent a Christmas card, and the next thing you know, it's a year later and we are trying to get him a visa to come here.
I've been reading old journal entries from our time together in Belarus and I had forgotten how much we laughed, how much we walked and talked. Especially now after reading my journal, I feel like my life is really on the right track. I have decided that I simply have to go see him. I have to see him face to face after all these years and then find out if we take a chance.
I just know that this is right. I just feel that I have finally found my way.