Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Shattered Dreams Part 2

Apparently, 20 bucks will buy you alcohol for 3-4 days.

The first two days I was there he kept hugging me and looking at me, saying, "I can't believe you are here." He would emerge from his room and come to the dining room to smoke, occasionally to eat something, and we would have brief conversations. He seemed genuinely happy that I was there, but of course this was not enough to make him stop drinking. After these brief encounters, he would go in his room, close the door and sleep.

By the third day I am finally catching on that this wasn't just excitement or nerves, that he has a real problem and that this is what it's going to be like. I ran through the gamut of emotions. Anger, sadness, pity, compassion, wanting to beat the shit out of him...

I don't remember if it was the second or third night after he had stumbled off to sleep and I sat there in the kitchen getting angry. I finally got up, went into his room looking for alcohol. I couldn't get the lights to turn on in my anger so I turned my phone flash light on and looked for a stash. He had to have some more somewhere, how else could be keep getting drunker as the day went on. He opened his eyes and looked at me and I said, "What, nothing more to drink?" Then I burst into tears, slammed his door shut and went into my room, sat on the bed and just bawled.

He came in looking confused and asked why I was crying. I asked why I wouldn't be crying. He got down on his knees put his head on my lap and said he was sorry, this was all his fault, please don't cry.

Of course, I couldn't stop crying for a long time.

And it obviously didn't stop him from drinking.

Monday I walked over and caught my host sister Kate on her way to work and she said to come back the next day and we could have a nice visit. Tuesday morning I went over and she was kind enough to take me around the city. It was a lovely day and we walked around and talked. She helped me get a SIM card for my phone and at last I could be in contact with my family and friends. She also took me to get some groceries because I was tired of eating bread and cheese, sausage and pelmeni. She dropped me off and said that I was invited to my host parents' house the day.

The next day I went to Kate's house and we drove to her parents. We had a lovely visit and a lovely lunch together. The house was so different, but it was so nice to be back.

When I got back to the house, I was getting bored by this point and now understood that my Prince Charming was not going to snap out of it, so I popped in my headphones, cleaned the kitchen (the dishes I had used and the all the cigarette ash off the table), made a snack, and popped a bottle of champagne. I felt pretty good. For a little while. Then I finally changed into my PJs and got my book.

Things all run together, but I believe it was later that evening I was in the kitchen reading and he came out to smoke. We talked for a minute and then he said "I must sleep." This time he paused and said "Maybe you want listen to some music?" I said, sure, so he put a cd in and then as the music began to play he got a little wound up. He started translating and explaining the music to me. Then he started dancing. Then he said I should dance too. So we danced, being silly for a minute. Then we sat back down and he explained songs a little more.

At some point he got up, came over and said he wanted to bite my ear, which he did. Then he asked me to get up and he put his arms around me and we danced for a little. He whispered in my ear that he really wanted to be with me, and then he went off to sleep.

 Pictures of Kate and I at my host family's house.

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