Thursday, April 2, 2015

Shattered Dreams Part 3

By the end of my time there, he really wasn't a person anymore, more like a shell. I tried the tough love thing, I decided I was going to be strong and not give him any more money and I tried, I really did. But I was already so overwhelmed by the situation, one the likes of which I'd never been in before, and then he kept asking, begging me and it was more than I was prepared to deal with. And I have to admit, I was a little scared of what would happen when he started to detox.

Sunday came. I walked to Kate's and gave her back the jar that had held the delicious cherry compote her mother had given me and she and her husband gave me tea and helped me call a taxi for the morning. Then I walked to his mom's house and said good bye. I gave her my address and asked that if anything really bad happened to write me and tell me. She said that she would come by that evening and say good bye.

I went back to the house and gathered up everything I could. I got out what I needed for the next day. Then it was just time to wait.

Nina, his mom, came at some point and brought me gifts, bless her heart. We sat for a little and then she left. She brought me a bottle of champagne which he saw and when she left he came out and said "give me the champagne."

We sat there at the table and I said, "the taxi is coming at 3:30 tomorrow morning." He looked surprised and sad. He said "You could stay here." Realizing that we had an impossible situation, my heart sank a little. I said that I couldn't stay and he asked why. I responded that firstly, my visa was up, secondly, I had to work, and lastly, that I could not just sit here and watch him drink. I asked if he could understand that. Sadly, he shook his head yes and said "It's my problem."

I laid down about 8:30 to try and sleep. I set my alarm for 1 am to give myself plenty of time to get ready in the morning. I slept fairly well and my alarm had gone off once when the door to my room opened and the light went on. He came in asking me to give him more alcohol. I said that I didn't have anything to give him. He looked like what I am going to do and went to lay down. I sat in the kitchen for a few minutes and listened to him laying there mumbling things like "why", "God help me", "help me", "let me die", and so on. Then I showered and got ready.

By three he was finally quiet. At 3:20 I snuck out. It broke my heart to not be able to hug him or kiss him good bye, but by that point he was pretty dirty.

It was an emotional day of travel, and the day after I got back I got a nasty virus. So, emotional healing on this one has been slowed because I physically feel like crap.

So, as I am home feeling like crap, crying my eyes out, I am truly concerned that he might have died. Finally, on Friday I call him, but my mouth is so dry it's hard to talk, so we spoke only briefly. He said he was more or less ok and he was glad to hear that I got home ok. I said I would call in a few days when I was feeling better.

I called on the following Tuesday and it was a very strange conversation. He said he had been doing a lot of thinking and that he hadn't realized that there would be such a difference between Russian and American girls. I asked what he meant and he said that a Russian girl would have stopped him. This is the moment when I became pretty pissed off. I defended myself by saying that I didn't want to give him money but he just kept coming to me asking. He was then like "No, it'a not your fault." He said he was writing a letter to explain and as neither one of us had anything more to say we said good bye.

I was really mad. He was trying to blame me. It's obvious that he is not ready to except responsibility. I will be anxious to see what the letter says, but I think it's pretty much time to move on, no matter how much it crushed my shattered heart.

I guess it's time to wait and see.

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