Too Much Thinking

As often, no always, happens when I am stressed out and down about things, I start to philosophize. I start thinking about all the things I've done wrong, why my life is the way it is, and why I am the way I am. I've been so frustrated lately. Things at work have been crazy and I've been almost constantly working with very little down time.  I've been feeling very undervalued and under-appreciated at work, and to be honest, still have some hard feelings about past mistreatment by employers. There is an award lunch coming up and it started me down a strange road.

Honestly, I find myself a real conundrum.

I don't know how anyone else could understand me, cuz I sure as hell don't understand myself. I find it odd that on the one hand I hate the spotlight and try desperately to stay in the background. Maybe that comes from years of trying to hide in plain sight so as to avoid as much bullying as possible; said bullying probably why my personal mission in life is to do for others and to make their lives better. But on the other hand, I wish someone cared about me enough to, in the words of Jane Austen, "winkle" things out of me.

So, to review: I don't want any attention or to share anything, but I want people to dig and find it out anyway.

via GIPHY

And, as much as I hate recognition or spotlight, I kind of secretly long for it.

I think that I just long for someone to think enough of me, or to be doing something that really matters in the world, that would be worthy of notice, and I don't want the actual spotlight. I just want to matter.

See what I mean? Huge conundrum...

I struggle a lot with relationships, because when you are a friend or someone special to me, I give you 100%. But that's not how most people are. I get that. It's my personality type, and it's a rare one. But I tend to feel unimportant to others, because they don't have the same (way, incredibly too high) standards that I do. I find myself longing for one person to fight for me as hard as I fight for others. But, I have to just keep reminding myself that I don't mean less to people just because they show friendship and love in different ways.

Oi vei.

I really need to quit this deep thinking shit.

So, I finally have some time off coming up...I think it's time to try and center myself, or something like that. Maybe I need to try some meditation. I dunno. But I definitely need to chill the f@$k out.

If this post accomplished nothing else, maybe you at least feel better about yourself now. :)