Saturday, July 14, 2018

An Imposter??

I started a new, full-time position as librarian mid-May and life has been crazy since!! Time is going so fast, most of the time I can't keep up. I mean, today is my two month anniversary at the new job, for crying out loud!

I love my new job. I finally feel like I am where I am supposed to be and I finally get to use my language skills. I work with great people, I have benefits. . .it's awesome. But after about a month I went through a small crisis where I felt like an imposter. I kept waiting for someone to tell me what I was doing wrong, or for them to realize that I wasn't actually all that and a bag of potato chips.

My crisis lasted about a week, and then I was okay, though I still have some doubts here and there, especially with my language skills.

I was really feeling like life, all of the sudden, was coming together and that I finally was going to have everything I'd been longing for.

After I ended things with Alex, I decided that I did not want a "normal" relationship. I just wanted something casual--no drama--and that was going pretty well.

And then, I met this guy. . .

I was reluctant at first, but he was cute and I thought, okay, why not. So we started talking, we hung out a couple times and I liked him. I thought he was fun and I liked hanging out. Everything was fine until one day when something changed. I'm not even sure what happened, but it's like a switch was flipped and I suddenly thought, this is more than just friendship.

That's when my world turned upside down.

I'd never had someone treat me so kindly, say such nice things to me, make me feel so special, or so safe. I realized that I was falling for him and that all those things I'd "decided" I didn't need/want. . .they might actually be possible. I let myself start hoping again. I said to my best friend one day that he was going to spoil me and she informed me that no, this is how I should be treated, how I deserve to be treated.

I was feeling great.

Then he said he was moving and four days later he was gone.

I suppose all girls go through something similar, but I was devastated. Then I was pissed off. I didn't want this. I was happy with my toy boy. I told him how invested I get in people. . . Then I kind of came to terms with it, but I've been waffling since.

I don't know what will happen. I really hope it's not the end, but even if it is, I'm glad to have known him and had this experience. (Even if I believe, wholeheartedly, that I will never have it again.)

So, after getting my hopes up that maybe I would have a family someday, I have come back down and realize that I probably won't. I mean, I'm 37. I have geriatric eggs and I don't have $13,000 in order to freeze my eggs, if I even have any. (Yes, I googled how much it costs to freeze your eggs. . .)

Trying to go back to how things were is a little like having always eaten plain yellow cake and then discovering that there was cake with frosting. Who wants to go back to just plain cake?!

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