Wednesday, July 18, 2018


I seem to have cycles for various things in my life. When I get my heart broken I bawl for a few days. Then I get really pissed off. Then I get depressed and convince myself that everyone hates me, that I don't matter, etc. Then comes the part where I start to accept what has happened. When there is a big event, I am cool as a cucumber at the time, but a week later (or a month, depending on how big of an event and how long it has kept me busy) I have a complete emotional breakdown.

I also go through cycles of being super duper hopeful, followed by times of trying to shut down my feelz factory completely.

It's not that I hate feeling, it's just that I feel things so strongly, so deeply that when something doesn't work out (which is usually) it tears a huge chunk out of my soul. I don't like how emotional I am. I have never liked how emotional I am. I mean, the mountain tops are great, but those valleys, oh man they are low.

It's taken me a long time to work out who I am, how my emotions work, etc. I don't have myself completely figured out, but I generally know how I'm going to react to things. You may or may not put any stock into personality types, but I think there are similarities amongst certain groups of people. I am extremely introverted, creative, and nurturing. My natural state is investing myself completely into those around me, because I see so much potential and I want everyone to (please pardon me, Army) be all that they can be.

My goal in life, my purpose, is to make things better. I want to leave people and things better than they were before. So, I do things to make people happy, to cheer them up, to help them. I want to leave the world a better place than it was. Unfortunately, this takes a great toll on me. And while it truly is a gift to feel things so deeply, to be so passionate, it is also a real curse.

I put 100% into every relationship, everything I do. This is awesome, and you may wonder why that is a problem apart from it making me tired. The downside is that most people do not do this. Most people put a lot of energy into a few things.  Not me. I put my whole heart in, every time, even when I try not to. You can guess how this usually ends.

People don't tend to stay in my life for very long. Okay, that's not exactly true. Thanks to things like Facebook and Instagram, people stay in life in a very limited capacity, but if social media were not a thing, we would still be in touch. What I mean is, the trend seems to be that someone will come into my life, I will pour myself into them, and after a few months, maybe a year or two, they move on and I am left depleted and alone wonder why they don't like me.

It took me a long time to realize that people moving on or not investing the same (ridiculously high) level of energy into the relationship that I do does not mean that they don't like me or don't care. It's just that I care at such a super high level, there are very few people in the world that do the same. So the terrible catch-22 in which I find myself is that all I want is for someone, one person, to care about me as much as I care about them, but it is never going to happen.

Many times in my life I have had the thought that perhaps I am just here to give to others. Maybe I am like a battery charger for the world and I go around charging other up, making them shine, but then that means that I don't get the same thing back. Really, it's an honorable thing to be able to make the world better and brighter.

I dunno, I probably think and analyze to much. I am the most hopeful depressed person you will ever meet! I mean, honestly! How can someone struggle with such terrible depression (at times, not always) and still remain so damn hopeful, even when trying desperately to not be hopeful.

A conundrum. I am a walking conundrum.

Well, maybe life will surprise me yet and there will be a knight come my way, not to fight my battles, but to fight with me, to fight to be together. But I'm not going to get my hopes up. Okay, I'm going to try and miserably fail to not get my hopes up. . . I can't help it.

Here's hoping that someone throws a wrench in my cycle.

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