Just.Do.It.

It's hereditary.  I have tons of big ideas and plans, it's just the follow-through with which I have trouble.

About two months ago I decided that I didn't want to be one of those people who just never got around to things.  Good intentions don't mean anything.  There are so many things that I want to do but I have always told myself that I can't do those things because I don't have enough money, enough resources, skills, you name it.  One day it occurred to me: so?  What's really stopping me is not lack of resources.  It's fear.

I am tired of being ruled by fear.

I have lived my whole life in fear.  Fear that I was not good enough, I was not pretty enough, not smart enough, not fun enough...not enough.  I call bullshit.  I can do anything I really want to do.  It may not be easy, in fact anything worth doing is not, but if I keep at it, I can do whatever I want.  Maybe not quite in the way I dreamed, but I can still do it.

So, I am adopting a new attitude.*  Just do it!  Whatever it is I want to do, I am just going to do it.  I am going to find a way and do it.  I believe this is the way I will find fulfillment in my life, no more "what if"s or "if only"s, only "how can I"s.

Another goal, or I should say attitude adjustment, will be to be happy.  I'm tired of getting so down, letting people get to me, etc.  My new attitude is to be a beacon to all around me.  I know firsthand the importance of someone simply noticing you, so I will endeavor to say a kind word to everyone I meet.  I believe I can change the world, one kind word at a time.

"Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around."  Leo Buscaglia

I may have setbacks, but I keep making progress.  Go me!  Go me!!  I can do it!


*Dad's little escapade to the hospital put a slight damper on my attitude. OK, I've been pretty down, but that is all behind now. Mostly... 

quoteswave

http://love.catchsmile.com/a-single-sentence-spoken-at-the-right/

http://quotepixel.com/picture/motivational/leo_buscaglia/too_often_we_underestimate_the_power_of_a_touch

Hopeless, alright...

Oh.My.God.

Well, dad is on the road to recovery and doing pretty well.  He needs to do what he's supposed to... :-\ but I think for the most part he is.

As I was trying to get back into my classes I was just so exhausted and slowly I'm realizing that I can't write four papers, keep up on weekly discussions and materials, work, teach, keep track of dad and his bills.  Thankfully, my teachers this semester have been totally awesome and have agree to give me incomplete grades so that I can take care of dad and then finish my work in a more calm fashion.  As my friend would say "Praise Jeebus!"

So now, after the shock and fear of the situation have subsided, as I complained about in my last post, I've been wallowing (only slightly) in self-pity thinking "why don't I get to come home to someone," "why don't I get to have someone who is there to kiss the tears away?"  (And of course this is all further fueled by a letter from an old, very dear friend.)  And being the extremely intelligent person that I am, I proceed to read The Bridges of Madison County, which I highly recommend, and then watch The Reader (which I read in college in the original German)--two singularly poignant stories of true love which could never be.  (I'm a real sucker for those kinds of stories.)

Stupid!

It's like how you listen to depressing music when you feel depressed...

So, last night I was feeling all forlorn and had myself convinced, practically martyred myself, saying "I will never find someone, I am just one of those people who will never have love, who will always be alone."  Today I am in a slight funk, though part of it may be the fact that Saturday was 80 degrees and today I woke up to snow.

On the lighter side, I have been having a blast sending and receiving postcards with Postcrossing.

So, I'll try not to depress myself any further... :)

Romantic, yes...hopeless, definitely.

Update on Dad

Wow!  The last week is a blur of driving, worrying, imagining the worst, and hoping for the best.

I spent 12 hours driving in 5 days.  Ugh!  Man, I don't know how people spend months going back and forth to hospitals.  It's frickin' exhausting!

Well, Wednesday, when I wrote my last post, he was really out of it and couldn't really talk because of the breathing tube (they really mes your throat up) and I'm sure was overwhelmed.  The doctors just did not sound positive--like if he survived he'd have terrible brain damage.  We went home mid afternoon because hew was so out of it, he just needed to rest and there was nothing we could do.  We came home and checked on the house and then went home.  After running on adrenaline and 3 hours of sleep, we needed rest!

We slept in a little bit Thursday and had to run a few errands.  As we were about ready to head to Iowa City I got a phone call from a doctor requesting consent to do the surgery on Friday.  I thought that must be good news, but mom wasn't sure.  Well, we headed down and dad was sitting up and talking (he still sounded like an old lady who'd be smoking for 40 years because of the tube) and I think he was really overwhelmed by the whole situation.  Lots of emotions crossed his face, but I think he also came to understand how serious the situation was and that this was really the only option.

We stayed till 7 when we left to check into a cheap motel.  He was scheduled to have surgery at 7:15 Friday morning, so we wanted to be there before he went.  We ordered Papa John's pizza (dad's room was in the John Pappajohn center at the hospital, and due to stress and lack of sleep, it was really funny to me to be eating Papa John's pizza...) and painted our toenails before crashing.

It was the worst night of sleep. EVER.  The mattress was so hard...I felt awful the next day.  Anyway, we got to the hospital at 6:15 and sat with him.  An emergency came in and they ended up not taking him to surgery until about 11:20.  We sat in the waiting room, exhausted, listening to some really annoying people.  I was not the happiest of campers.  At 4:45 we were just starting to get worried and the doctor came in and said that he was fine and back in his room.

Apparently the cyst was larger than they expected and they couldn't get all of it out, but they got most of it.  The doctor said he came through the surgery very well.  He didn't want to wake up at all, so about 6:30 we headed home.  I have never been so happy to be in my own bed!  Saturday we got there about 1:30 or 2:00 and he was still pretty much out.  They said he didn't come out of the anesthesia until midnight the night before.  Well, after about two hours we thought it was silly to just sit there, so we called a friend and met for supper at Coral Ridge Mall.

Sunday we went down and he was out of the ICU and in the regular neurosurgery ward.  He was more alert, but not really with it.  I know he was sad that we had to leave after just a couple hours, but we were both exhausted and had to work Monday.

We called him briefly Monday night and then Tuesday my uncle came over to fix the door frames which the police busted.  We ended up taking him home around 3:00 and after we dropped him off, we hopped down to the hospital.  (He lives about half an hour away.)  We weren't going to go back until today, but it's a good thing we went yesterday because a gentleman from Mary Greeley came to talk to him about rehab.  Today dad didn't remember much of the conversation, so it's good I could say that we had talked about it last night and he, mom and I had decided it was the best course of action.

So, this morning at 11:00 a.m. they were transporting him to Mary Greeley.  Now it will only be a half hour drive to go see him.

Much relief.

Is it bad that now that the panic is over I am feeling slightly sorry for myself?  I just keep thinking it's crappy that I don't have someone to come home to to make it better.  I mean I have mom, but it's not the same as coming home to a spouse or partner and having someone to hold you and love you.  I'm just tired of going through all this rough sh*t by myself.  Ok, end of pity party.  I really am so glad dad is ok.

Tough Times

Well, this year has certainly thrown a lot my way.  Over the past twelve months I have lost a great boss and friend, carried my workplace (again), found and lost another friendship, and exhausted myself with graduate studies.  But that, it would seem, is not sufficient.

As I write this I am sitting the in the cafeteria at the University of Iowa hospital.  Yesterday, I texted my dad, just stupid stuff.  I never heard back.  Something inside me said "WARNING!"  I realized that we hadn't heard from him since Sunday.  I got in my car, drove to his house and warming bells really started ringing. The lights were off, the truck was in the garage, he wasn't answering any phones.

After about half an hour of ounding in doors and windows, mom left work early and we decided to call the police.  They took forever.  Well, 15 minutes seems like forever.  Finally, after a second officer joined the first (someone I had gone to school with), they busted in the doors and found him lying on the living room floor, five feet away from where I was knocking--his cell phone was on the desk just a foot away.

He was somewhat responsive, answering some questions but not others. We don't know for sure but we think he had been laying there since sometime Monday.  About 1 a.m. This morning they transported him here to Iowa City.  They told us they would probably do surgery in the morning, so after some debate, we decided to get a little sleep and then head here.

At 6 when mom called to find out where he was, they said he'd just come out of surgery because when he got here it was much worse than they first thought.  What we later found out is that they put two drains in his head to let the extra fluid out.

A couple years ago he found out he had a cyst in his brain that might never cause problems, but it shifted and blocked the flow of spinal fluid.  They think he's been having seizures so right now all we can do is wait.  If they can, if he seems like he is coming out of it ok, they will remove the cyst.  If not...

We continue to wait.

1-0-0!

Yahoo!  This is my 100th post!  It seems well timed, almost like an anniversary.

Ok, so random things to catch up on...

Apparently, the past five or six weeks I have had some kind of bug which has totally zapped my energy, made me have various stomach symptoms, and generally feel cruddy.  I went to the doctor and they ruled out mono, and I think that I am finally starting to feel better.

As always, I feel like I am barely keeping up at work, with my teaching and my grad classes.  But somehow everything gets done.  Now that I am doing a dual M.A. in library and information science (with archive concentration) and Russian translation, it's going to be three years before I can graduate.  I'm going to be sooooo busy, but I keep telling myself that it is only temporary.

You know that I simply hate to travel, so it will seriously surprise you that I have applied for a course this summer in Scotland.  If I get to go, I will spend two weeks at Dalkeith House just outside of Edinburgh, and we will travel north up to Inverness.  I'm not excited at all... Of course, I don't know if I'm going or not.

Just over one year ago I started on Weight Watchers, and while I am proud of myself that I have kept 50 pounds off for a year, I am a little irritated with myself that I let things level off.  But I have a new resolve and I am going to kick it up!  My goal is to lose another 43 by the time I would go to Scotland.  (That would put me at the lowest I've been since I can remember, the same that I was when I came home from Moscow a few years ago.)

Lastly, I have a very dear friend who I met as an exchange student in Belarus.  We've written to each other over the years, talked on the phone, and he even came to see me in 2001 when I was in Kiev.  He is not only my dearest friend, he is the love of my life.  For the past five years we have not heard anything from each other.  The Belarusian postal service is not exactly reliable, and I think letters got lost, etc.  I think about him all the time and always mean to write him, but rarely do.  This Christmas I said "Self, you have to send Alex a Christmas card!"  And I did.  Lo and behold, yesterday I got the mail only to see a letter from Belarus.

It was the sweetest, most excited, loveliest letter in the history of letters.  And while I am heartbroken  to be so far away from him, I can count myself lucky to have someone who truly cares about me, loves me for all of me, and truly understands me.  Even if I do feel like Anna in the King and I.

Well, I have made up my mind--I am going to spend the next year scrimping and saving, and getting much healthier (and smaller so that I can sit in an airplane for 14 hours halfway comfortably), and next summer, I am going to go see him.  Even if I have to max out my credit cards.  Whatever it takes, I simply must.

Until then, I gots a lot to do!

Me and Alex, 1998.

Kans-aaaaaaahhhh!

First road trip of the year!

I love getting away for little breaks.  I mean, I love going on big adventures, but let's face it--they are time consuming, usually expensive, and a lot of work.  Last semester I was fortunate to go to DC in September, Japan in October, Colorado in November, and Wisconsin in December.  Wow!  As awesome as that was, trying to work full time, take full time grad classes, teach a class AND travel...wasn't easy.

This weekend, for the first time since June I was able to slip away and visit my KS bestie and her utterly adorable spawn.  It's so nice to just chillax, laugh and play together.  These are the times that make life bearable.

Tomorrow it will be time to head home already...but for now, I'll enjoy some more play time.

Let Auld Acquaintance Be Forgot.

Here it is--day number 1.

Another year has come and gone, and like millions of other people I have been reflecting on the past year and the course of my life.

Two thousand and thirteen was one of the worst and one of the best years of my life.  In 2012, after six months of being the only full-time employee and running the place by myself we hired a new manager.  This past year we grew to be a really good team, and I really liked my boss and respected him.  Then, for valid reasons, he left suddenly the third day of the fall semester.  So not only had I lost a boss who I really liked, but I was again alone--thankfully, though, I had a new co-worker start who turned out to be very sharp and someone with whom I really enjoy working--and this happened four days before I started back to grad school.

Needless to say, this fall was probably the most stressful, disheartening, and awful time of my life.  My boss' departure really hit me hard, and I got behind in my classes from the very start.  I never did catch up, and I was seriously worried whether or not I would pass my classes.  Especially the Foundations class with the teacher from hell.  (I did pass, though, two A- and an A!)

I've also had some new(er) friendships which have been trying at times, but even though they have been trying, and at times added greatly to my stress level, the plus side of this year has been that I've learned a lot about myself.

1. I am nowhere near as pathetic as I thought.
After some of the people I have dealt with this year, I realized that I am not pathetic.  I have things I need to work out, but my biggest problem is just not loving myself.  Some people are in really bad places and just make one terrible decision after another.

2. I am no dumb bunny.
My brother is pretty much a genius, so I always compared myself to him and thought I was of just average intelligence, however, after working in a community college for five and a half years, I've discovered that I am pretty darn smart.

3. I won't settle for less than the best.
While I don't think in anyway that I deserve it or that it will come to me, I won't settle for any less than the best.  I dream big, and I won't go for someone, or something, that falls short.  I know a few people who go for whoever or whatever comes next, and I just can't stand that. I get mad and sad because I know that I will never meet Jeremy Renner (for example), but I'm still holding out.

4. I can't stand self-centeredness.
There is someone in my life with whom I was very close, but I have discovered that this person is very self-centered, and even though I really care about this person, I can't keep up a relationship where the other person uses me, never hears a word a say, and acts like a child most of the time.

5. Quality over quantity.
I put my heart and soul into things, which has brought me a lot of heartache, but also a lot of joy.  I would much rather have quality time with someone than simply a lot of time.  One of my dear friends who lives in Kansas is a perfect example.  I get to see her a couple times a year, and we really don't talk a whole lot, but I know she is always there when I need her and when we are reunited, it's like I saw her last week.  I love her, and I think we have come to the perfect relationship, for us.

Now, something I have learned is that I am a giver--I give, give, give, and am often disappointed when my effort is not reciprocated.  However, I have come to understand that I cannot hold everyone to my standards, they are pretty damn high after all.  I have to evaluate each relationship and decide to what level I am ok giving.  That has helped a lot, but sometimes I still wish a relationship was more than it is.

I have learned a lot of other things, too.  I am one tough cookie.  I can handle a lot, and with class. I am a leader.  I can get in there and get stuff done.  I am smart.  I have excellent judgement and discernment, and I can generally get a good feel for who people really are.  I give excellent advice.  I am worth a lot, and my employer is pretty lucky to have me.  I don't mean to brag, I never toot my own horn and I don't like the spotlight, but I say these things to help myself realize what I am, which is pretty fantabulous actually.

So, this year really beat me up, but I am trying to look at the positives.  My weight went up about ten pounds here in December (the last two weeks of the semester almost killed me...) but, through everything, through crap at work, a hellacious load at school, some rocky stuff in my personal life, I kept off 50 pounds!  I have not reverted back to old ways, but I do need to knuckle down and get back to eating as well as I was.

Goals:

So, I have just a few goals for the new year.

1. Get back on track with Weight Watchers and lose another 50 pounds so I can go skydiving.
2. Cut out as much artificial sweetener as possible.
3. Eat fast food no more than once or twice a month.
4. Continue to think and feel better about myself.


Here is to a new year, may the happy times be more than the sad ones, let us remember to live, love and laugh generously, and never let the sun go down on your anger (keep those you love close and never let the last thing you say to them be something terrible).