Stupid Crappy Week

This week has just been stupid and crappy!

First there was the election. I wanted neither candidate, but Trump? Ugh. I've been feeling like the sky is falling. The morning after the election I felt like I was waking up the morning after the apocalypse.

But this is not a political post.

On top of the feeling from the election, I was feeling scared and worried to death. I heard from Alex Wednesday night, and then nothing. Radio silence. He had just put money on his phone so that we could text, and then I never heard anything.

N.O.T.H.I.N.G.

He never texted me, he didn't answer his phones...nothing.

I have been beside myself worrying. But finally I got ahold of him!

He sounded exhausted and he said he couldn't talk now, but at least I know he's okay.

Thank God!

via GIPHY

Different Worlds

I've had a lot of time to think recently. This year has certainly been a rollercoaster. The past few months, especially so. I guess I thought that moving would magically make my life better and that everything would magically fall into place. I'd find a job fairly quickly, because, I mean after all the shit I've been through the last coupe years, something has to go right for me now! Right?

I was pretty depressed when after moving things seemed to get worse for me, and definitely not better. There was a period of several weeks where I really didn't want to do anything, let alone leave the apartment. But, slowly I am getting better. Having two interviews this week helped.

One nice thing is that since I basically have nothing to do, I have lots of time to call Alex. Last month we talked for 953 minutes! And then there were a a period of about 5 days where he had money on his phone and we could text. OMG! So effing awesome to be able to text! To be able to send pictures, videos, and just feel connected.

This does come with a downside, however. It makes me feel his absence even more keenly than I already did.

I find myself longing for him constantly. I think about him constantly. I realize constantly that I have no idea when, if ever, I will see him again. As if by some cruel twist of fate, I have all the time in the world right now to go and visit him, but no money. And when (please God, soon!) I have a job, I will have money, but no time to visit.

Why is it that the universe seems to want to keep us apart?

I think this is why we never pursued anything in the past. When we met, I was 17 and he was 20. It was just 7 years after the fall of the Soviet Union. Even though we had an instant connection, and even though I was in love after about two months, and even though after I left he realized that he loved me, it just seemed like an impossible situation. I mean, growing up in the Soviet Union he never thought he would meet someone from the US, let alone fall in love. And it was somewhat absurd to think that an American girl and a Belarusian boy could make a life together.

So we moved on.

But I... we,  never really moved on.

I was never sure how he felt, he says he didn't realize how I felt, but we wrote letters for ten years! Ten years! A year after I'd been back in the states (always trying to figure out a way to go back) he even came and visited me in Kiev. I received a desperate sounding phone call a while after Kiev where he said to me that he wished I could "be his wife", but silly me, I didn't think anyone could possibly ever want that, and as fate would have it, when I tried to call him back, the call wouldn't go through.

He never mentioned that again, so we moved on.

Then, for a few years I started letters all the time (I still find notepads with letters that I had started, now), but somehow, they just never made it to the mail. I never heard from him, either. Then, in December 2013 I decided that I absolutely had to send him a New Year's card.

And I did.

And I got back the most excited letter. EVER.

We started writing again. I discovered I could text him through Skype, but he couldn't text me. I could call him through Skype, but it was not cheap. After a few months I discovered the International plan for Verizon and signed up. That gave me a 1000 minutes a month to call.

Long story, short--I visited, had my heart broken. We moved forward. He proposed. I visited again. It was rocky, but ended very well.

Fast forward to present...

I have been trying for a year to gather the paperwork to start the K-1 visa process. Finally, when I have everything together, I lose my job. I can't prove that I can provide for him when I am unemployed.

So here we are...waiting...in limbo...again...

I believe that we both needed to grow up and mature before we came back together and decided we wanted to build a life together, but since I am now buried in student loan debt, and even though I would like to go over there, I can't, because if he can't find study work, how am I going to find work that pays enough to make my loan payments. He doesn't really want to live in the States, but since that is pretty much our only option, he is willing to try.

I just feel that nothing works out for us. I feel like the universe is against us.

Part of me is taken back to those early days. Like Anna and the King, we are from different worlds and no matter how much we love each other, it's just not meant to be. (I don't really believe that, it's just the depression and hormones...)

Well, I really hope that a year from now we'll have made some progress. I'm not getting any younger.

Looking Up?

Can I just say how fast time flies when you have "nothing" to do?

Wow, time just flies. I seem to keep pretty busy teaching my class, searching and applying for jobs, and trying to get things organized. I can't believe it is almost the end of October. As I have written before, there have been quite a few bumps the last few months, but right now I'm feeling pretty good.

There are some possibilities job wise, including one that I applied for and felt really good about in the spring, and I actually have an interview scheduled for a part time position in a couple weeks. I've also had increased interactions with some online friends which have made me feel good.

On top of that, Alex has again been able to put money on his phone so we can text one another, and we have been actually talking a lot, too!

I'm still really missing people that I "left behind", but I am feeling less hopeless and starting to develop a bit of a routine. We've always been getting out more, shopping, hanging with my brother, etc. And we all chipped in to buy my dad a ticket to come out over Thanksgiving. It will be the second time in the last four years that we've all been together.

So, here's hoping that things will start to fall into place.

Pics from our day downtown with my brother...

Our first ride on the light rail.

Pizza Pedal'r

Tattered Cover Bookstore

A well-traveled cow...

The Tilted Kilt

Scotch eggs. YUM!

Shepherd's pie.

Getting Back In The Saddle

Well, things have been rough for a long time, and I felt like I had really fallen off the horse.

Of course, part of it is the fact that I lost my job, I can't afford all of my medications now that I have no insurance, and I have new health issues that have appeared this year. And it is difficult to eat well when you are driving back and forth across three states every few days. But, I feel like I really let life get the best of me.

I had a few days where I could feel depression coming over me like a cloud. All I wanted to do was sleep, I wasn't feeling well for over a week, and I was just really bummed that I can't find a job, about my weight, and I was really missing Alex. I felt like moving to Colorado was supposed to be a fresh start and it was turning into the same old crap.

But, at long last, mom and I, all our things, and both our cars are in one place!!

I keep telling myself that things aren't going to be this bleak forever and that I just need to get back in the saddle. Developing a routine will help me get some normalcy in my life. Eating better will also help me feel better, and will hopefully lead to losing weight, which will make me feel better about myself.

While I can't control when I get a job, I have plans to build my skills in other ways. I'm hoping to do some volunteering that will help me get some experience in areas where I lack. I would love to get some experience in cataloging, archives, or maybe at a museum, so that's what I'm going to try for.

I started to make small steps, putting a few things away here, cleaning a little there, buying some organizational things, etc., and it started to help me pull out of the funk. I also found my CPAP and started using it, which is helping my energy levels greatly!

And the biggest boost was receiving a text message out of the blue from Alex!

We hadn't been able to text back and forth for months because of some unknown problem, but last Tuesday I got a text and was super excited. I couldn't text back at first, but then the next day we got it all figured out and for five days we texted like two teenagers. It was great. It really boosted my mood.

So, while I occasionally have moments of anger, disappointment, hopelessness, etc., I think I am finally finding my stride.

Oh! And I decided to join WeightWatchers again, so I'm hoping that I'll start losing weight again, which will help in many ways.

I'm still a little bruised from falling out of the saddle, but I'm not going to let it keep me down!

*I'm kinda obsessed with my new bitmoji...

A Ton Of Crap

I, like many people, have sat on my couch for many hours gawking at tv shows about hoarders, thinking to myself "OK, I need to get rid of some stuff, but thank God that's not me." Well, I think it really is me.

As I have said in previous posts, this move has been rough. The full gravity of the situation has finally set in.

The first try, we just weren't ready. We loaded the truck with as much as we could, and knew that we'd have to come back. We threw out about a half ton of junk (literally), donated numerous car loads of books, clothes, and other items to Goodwill, and sold a bunch of furniture and odds and ends. When we came back the first time, we got a small truck, and filled it fairly full, threw out a bunch of stuff, donated some more, played chicken with a deer (we both lost), and drove back to the new place. Even without the accident, we would not have been able to finish this time either.

We drove back, with a pickup truck...filled it...still not done.

Our poor landlord--she has been so gracious, but we just needed everything to be out and get them the keys so they can sell the house. So we decided to drive back on Friday (not excited to drive on Labor Day weekend) and work Saturday and Sunday, pick up mom's car and drive back for good. I suggested the we drive back on Thursday and miss some holiday traffic, and have an extra day to work. It was a good thing we did.

We walked into the kitchen so hear water running and see it all over the kitchen floor.

via GIPHY

The ceiling was dripping from several places, the corner cupboard was full of water, there was water all over the floor. We ran upstairs to check the upstairs bathroom and there is a little water on the floor, but not a whole lot. We turn the water to the toilet off. There had been water in the basement, it was still trickling down the main pipe.

PANIC.

We finally got ahold of someone at the Water Works to help us figure out how to turn the water off to the house. It kept leaking for a day, but we finally got it stopped.

So, once we got that cleaned up a little, we were able to get down to business. The trailer we rented the previous weekend for trash was still there and we kept chucking stuff.

We only had a little bit upstairs and then some stuff in the basement. I thought we'd have it knocked out in a day. OMG! When will I ever learn.After working all day Friday, all day Saturday, and most of the day Sunday, we finally got everything cleaned out and cleaned.

I don't know what part was worse: the embarrassment from other people seeing how much stuff we had, the realization that we are really no better off than any of those people on the tv shows (except that we don't have poop or rodents), or the realization that we donated several truckloads work of stuff, sold a bunch of stuff, and still threw away over two tons of old magazines, papers, books, and other crap.

Well, we finally have everything out of the house and are done there for good. We also have a new resolve to keep getting rid of stuff, and really and truly decluttering.

I have a new appreciation for what the people on Hoarders go through. It's truly emotional. You feel disgust with yourself, helplessness, hopelessness, and so many other things.

While I am relieved that it's over, it's not really over. We have stuff at my dad's house till we come back, because after we were already there we found out that mom's car won't be ready for at least another week.

Today we just relaxed. We've earned it. But as I sit here surrounded by boxes, I am anxious to get some order established, and to keep the purging up.

Here's to new beginnings!

Couldn't Get Any Worse...

A couple years ago I posted about how terrible our move went. I thought to myself, there is no way that any future move could ever be as terrible as this.

Man, was I wrong!

Things have been a lot harder than I expected since being laid off. I really thought that the stars were aligning, that I had found the perfect job and everything was in order. So, I didn't get that job, and this move has turned into a nightmare.

As I admitted last time, we are pretty much hoarders. We got rid of a lot last time, but we had a lot more to get rid of. We had a couple sales and got rid of some bigger furniture items, we donated several car loads of cookbooks (mom has a slight obsession...) and several loads of other things to Goodwill, but we didn't get rid of near enough.

And, we spent too much time goofing off, so when we had the truck, we weren't ready. We had some great family members who came and helped us load the truck and keep boxing stuff up, but in the end, we had to leave stuff.

A week later we drove back to finish.

Again, things did not go so well.

We ended up staying a day later than we planned, and we decided to stay in a hotel in a nearby town. The second night as we were leaving to go back to the hotel, we ran smack dab into a deer.

I mean what?!?!?!?

The thing was pretty much just standing in the middle of the highway. We managed to drive the rest of the way to the hotel, though we probably shouldn't have. The next morning, instead of getting a really early start, we spent half the day calling insurance and getting the car to the body shop. So, we are going to have to make another trip back.

Will it ever end?!?!?!?!?

I just almost can't face another drive back.

I'm not going to talk about how this is the worst move ever...maybe then the next one won't be so bad.

On top of all the drama, the semester is starting soon and I am really missing all the people I used to work with, and seeing all the emails and photos from my former co-workers makes me feel kind of blue.

Here's hoping that when we get everything wrapped up in the old house and don't have to drive back any more, I won't feel as blue.

Poor, poor car.

Big Changes Coming Soon

Ehrmergerd, Ehrmergerd, Ehrmergerd, Ehrmergerd!!!!

For quite a long time I have been wanting to leave the town where I grew up, and really my home state all together, but it just never happened. And now that I am actually going, finally leaving it all behind, I'm kinda scared.

It's strange to think that one week from today we will be driving across the country to our new home. One week from now we will be IN our new home.

This new phase is exciting, scary, and seems just plain wild.

Hang on self! We're in for a wild ride.




P.S. I'm really tired of packing...