Sunday, May 8, 2016

Emotions Running Up and Down

As time goes on I keep having more emotions about everything. When I was first told that my position was being eliminated I put on a brave face, but the more time that goes by, and the closer that day gets, the more I'm finding myself on an emotional roller coaster.

Because of the uncertainty that I'm facing in my life, I'm feeling uncertain about a lot of things. I've started having bad dreams about work, I have been seriously stressed out the last couple weeks with my comprehensive exams going on, communication has been problematic with Alex, and so on. My life has just been turned upside down and I am so confused.

On top of that, I've packed on about 15 pounds over the last couple weeks. I'm trying to decide if I should do the weight-loss surgery and am feeling really crappy about gaining weight again. Then with all the prom pics going around, and after watching a bunch of episodes of "Say Yes to the Dress," it's brought up a bunch of old feelings and insecurities. I never got to go prom dress shopping, and I don't think I'll get to do the whole wedding dress thing, either. And even if I did get to go, no one carries dresses in my size, anyway.

I feel like Alex and I are never going to actually make it to the same country, let alone actually get married. And now I find myself wondering if I'm headed in the right direction with him. I just want to be able to spend some time with him. I had planned on using the three weeks of vacation that I had saved up to go visit this summer, but that won't happen now. I really want to run away, and pull an "Eat, Pray, Love" for just a month or two so we can be together, but I just don't see how I can.

Everything is just up in the air and I am completely frazzled. Somedays I'm good, and others I just want to bawl.

I just keep telling myself that this too shall pass.


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