Birthday Shenanigans.

So, Saturday was my birthday.  My mom and co-worker and I all went down to KC and had a girls' weekend.  We started by visiting my bestie, fixing a ginormous (you think I'm kidding) pot of borscht (why is there a t on the of borscht?), pelmeni and later homemade ice cream and feasting at Lins' house.  I got to play with Charlotte, the most adorable child EVER, and just chill with my girlies.

Saturday, Mom, Jazz and I went to the Russian store and stocked up on goodies, then had lunch at Oklahoma Joe's.  Seriously, the most amazing BBQ.  EVER.  Then we walked around the Country Club Plaza, but it was hotter than a mo-fo and we called it quits by about 5:00.  We went back to the hotel, watched TV and ordered pizza.

By Sunday we were all pretty much exhausted, but we stopped at the Kansas City Farmer's Market.  It was neat, but we didn't hold up very long in the 96 degree heat.  We finally decided to make our way back home.

It was a great weekend.  I wish I could have seen Lins and Charlotte more, but I was so thrilled that Charlotte seemed to remember me and was happy to see us.  I got lots of hugs in and she even told me "night" when she was getting ready for bed.

Now, the fun is over and I have to finish two papers this week, get prepared for my Scottish Archives class and keep figuring out how I am going to bring the love of my life (I'm pretty sure...) here from Belarus.

But to end on a positive note, I am apparently making strides in my quest to like myself.  I took this selfie at Oklahoma Joe's and I said to my mother "Huh, that's a pretty good picture," and thought to myself "Wow, I really am pretty."

Kisses!

                                             

Thirty Year Old Teenager

I'm reading a great book right now, A Walk on the Beach: Tales of Wisdom From and Unconventional Woman. The author befriends Joan Erikson, wife of world renown psychoanalyst Erik Erikson, who helps the author get through a midlife crisis of sorts. Ok, the book itself is not life-altering, but the wisdom and inspiration from Joan Erikson is great. The last three years I've really been trying to look inside and figure out who I am and who I want to be, and I am finding a lot of inspiration from Joan.

Something I've really struggled with for a long time is being single. It's not the fact that been single for so long that bothers me so much, but the fact that there just really hasn't been anyone, at all. There was kind of almost someone once, except that he was married and I knew I couldn't go there. I know that lots of people are single for a long time, but most people date at least occasionally.

I've always felt inadequate in all areas of my life, especially when the subject of dating came up. This is something that I am trying really hard to get past. While I cannot quite think of myself as beautiful, I no longer think of myself as hideous.

Now, before you get all mad at me, you have to understand where I am coming from--a place where I was not smart enough, where I was chubby and the words of others took my self-image and ripped it to shreds. You may think it's stupid, but this is where I'm coming from, so I really have made giant strides.

I've always felt that I skipped the teenage years. I often hung around with adults, I mean I basically shadowed my mother, and adults didn't say make fun of me either, so I grew up pretty quickly. I missed out on the teen dating thing, and spent my life into my twenties pretty well cocooned in self-pity. I feel that is all about to change.

 After reading about Joan and Erik Erikson, I've done a little research just out of curiosity and I find his stages of development quite interesting. I think that there may have been some issues clear back in the first stage for me, but I think things really started to go wrong in stage three. This is when children are supposed to start interacting with other children and showing initiative, but if this is hampered, they end of feeling guilty and like a nuisance. My brother and I never had many friends and spent most of our time playing alone or with each other. Then comes the fourth stage.  I think this is really where things went south.

"It is at this stage that the child’s peer group will gain greater significance and will become a major source of the child’s self esteem. "

When your peer group is either non-existent or spends its time hurling insults at you, you are going to have issues.

So, now I feel like I'm getting a chance to go back and do some things over. I've written about my friend Alex, and I am working on getting him here, and of course my mind is racing with possibilities. Will we remain good friends, will we be something more? Will he be the one I marry? That's where my brain goes all split personality and one side says "woohoo! someone likes me and we might have a relationship," while the other side says "I just can't quite picture that, I'll believe it when I see it."

Now I get to experience the emotions of a teenage girl who's got a serious crush (with a 30 y.o. body saying "hey bozo! you're not gettin' any younger here!") and all that goes along with that. I feel giddy on the one hand, but I'm trying to stifle it and be adult about the whole thing. But then I really want to just let out a huge SQUEEEEEEEEEEE!* Yep...30 year old teenager...

Better late than never, eh?


*Imagine Maria from the Sound of Music dancing in the hills.

Get Your Happy On

Isn't it amazing?  Sometimes it's just as if a little switch flips inside you and you find yourself instantaneously in a different frame of mind!

Ok, it's been established that the last few years have been exceptionally crappy.  I was feeling low and nostalgic and missing friends overseas at Christmas time, so I told myself I had to send something to my friend Alyosha.  (Over the past several years I kept starting letters to him and sent one here or there, but was really terrible about it.  But then again, I never got any from him either.)  In order to not delay myself and forget to do it, I found a card and didn't write much and sent it right away.  This was early January because their big holiday in Belarus is New Year.

I didn't think much about it until in February I got a very enthusiastic reply wondering why I hadn't written for 5 years and why his letters had been returned.  In this letter he sent me a valentine and he just seemed so excited, so of course my head was swirly for like two weeks.

Feeling like a teenage girl with a huge crush I wrote him back immediately.   I wrote him many letters, sent pictures, and wrote more.  There was just so much to say.  I floated for a week, until my job brought me back down to earth.  Then came the episode with my dad and I was a little preoccupied.  At about the 6 week point I started to get pretty sad because I hadn't heard anything back.  Then I got busy and kind of forgot about being sad everyday when I got the mail.

May 12, I finally got another letter--actually, three letters in one.  I had asked him lots of questions, like if his life could be anything, what would he want, what are his favorite colors, and important things like that.  He said he wished that he hadn't had to quit his studies (he's had a pretty rough time of things) and that his ideal life would be to have enough to support a kind wife and kids.  He also explained to me that it wasn't so much that he didn't want to come here, but he wasn't sure he could live here.  He was afraid that stereotypes would be too strong and people would look down on him.

Ding!  A lightbulb went on.  I had the brilliant idea that he could come to the college where I work as a student.  He could finish a degree, work on his English, and of course, well, I'm here. :)  Yesterday, very nervously, I called him.  It was great!  He was so surprised he could hardly speak and then his mom got on the phone to say hello.  I told him about my idea and he said "well, I'm kind of old" (as in 36...)  and I assured him that many people here are going to back to school because of the craptastic economy.  He thought about it and said "I don't know if they'll give me a visa, but tell me what I need to do."

YES!  My life now has a purpose.  I don't know how, but I am going to get him over here!!!

Just.Do.It.

It's hereditary.  I have tons of big ideas and plans, it's just the follow-through with which I have trouble.

About two months ago I decided that I didn't want to be one of those people who just never got around to things.  Good intentions don't mean anything.  There are so many things that I want to do but I have always told myself that I can't do those things because I don't have enough money, enough resources, skills, you name it.  One day it occurred to me: so?  What's really stopping me is not lack of resources.  It's fear.

I am tired of being ruled by fear.

I have lived my whole life in fear.  Fear that I was not good enough, I was not pretty enough, not smart enough, not fun enough...not enough.  I call bullshit.  I can do anything I really want to do.  It may not be easy, in fact anything worth doing is not, but if I keep at it, I can do whatever I want.  Maybe not quite in the way I dreamed, but I can still do it.

So, I am adopting a new attitude.*  Just do it!  Whatever it is I want to do, I am just going to do it.  I am going to find a way and do it.  I believe this is the way I will find fulfillment in my life, no more "what if"s or "if only"s, only "how can I"s.

Another goal, or I should say attitude adjustment, will be to be happy.  I'm tired of getting so down, letting people get to me, etc.  My new attitude is to be a beacon to all around me.  I know firsthand the importance of someone simply noticing you, so I will endeavor to say a kind word to everyone I meet.  I believe I can change the world, one kind word at a time.

"Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around."  Leo Buscaglia

I may have setbacks, but I keep making progress.  Go me!  Go me!!  I can do it!


*Dad's little escapade to the hospital put a slight damper on my attitude. OK, I've been pretty down, but that is all behind now. Mostly... 

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http://quotepixel.com/picture/motivational/leo_buscaglia/too_often_we_underestimate_the_power_of_a_touch

Hopeless, alright...

Oh.My.God.

Well, dad is on the road to recovery and doing pretty well.  He needs to do what he's supposed to... :-\ but I think for the most part he is.

As I was trying to get back into my classes I was just so exhausted and slowly I'm realizing that I can't write four papers, keep up on weekly discussions and materials, work, teach, keep track of dad and his bills.  Thankfully, my teachers this semester have been totally awesome and have agree to give me incomplete grades so that I can take care of dad and then finish my work in a more calm fashion.  As my friend would say "Praise Jeebus!"

So now, after the shock and fear of the situation have subsided, as I complained about in my last post, I've been wallowing (only slightly) in self-pity thinking "why don't I get to come home to someone," "why don't I get to have someone who is there to kiss the tears away?"  (And of course this is all further fueled by a letter from an old, very dear friend.)  And being the extremely intelligent person that I am, I proceed to read The Bridges of Madison County, which I highly recommend, and then watch The Reader (which I read in college in the original German)--two singularly poignant stories of true love which could never be.  (I'm a real sucker for those kinds of stories.)

Stupid!

It's like how you listen to depressing music when you feel depressed...

So, last night I was feeling all forlorn and had myself convinced, practically martyred myself, saying "I will never find someone, I am just one of those people who will never have love, who will always be alone."  Today I am in a slight funk, though part of it may be the fact that Saturday was 80 degrees and today I woke up to snow.

On the lighter side, I have been having a blast sending and receiving postcards with Postcrossing.

So, I'll try not to depress myself any further... :)

Romantic, yes...hopeless, definitely.

Update on Dad

Wow!  The last week is a blur of driving, worrying, imagining the worst, and hoping for the best.

I spent 12 hours driving in 5 days.  Ugh!  Man, I don't know how people spend months going back and forth to hospitals.  It's frickin' exhausting!

Well, Wednesday, when I wrote my last post, he was really out of it and couldn't really talk because of the breathing tube (they really mes your throat up) and I'm sure was overwhelmed.  The doctors just did not sound positive--like if he survived he'd have terrible brain damage.  We went home mid afternoon because hew was so out of it, he just needed to rest and there was nothing we could do.  We came home and checked on the house and then went home.  After running on adrenaline and 3 hours of sleep, we needed rest!

We slept in a little bit Thursday and had to run a few errands.  As we were about ready to head to Iowa City I got a phone call from a doctor requesting consent to do the surgery on Friday.  I thought that must be good news, but mom wasn't sure.  Well, we headed down and dad was sitting up and talking (he still sounded like an old lady who'd be smoking for 40 years because of the tube) and I think he was really overwhelmed by the whole situation.  Lots of emotions crossed his face, but I think he also came to understand how serious the situation was and that this was really the only option.

We stayed till 7 when we left to check into a cheap motel.  He was scheduled to have surgery at 7:15 Friday morning, so we wanted to be there before he went.  We ordered Papa John's pizza (dad's room was in the John Pappajohn center at the hospital, and due to stress and lack of sleep, it was really funny to me to be eating Papa John's pizza...) and painted our toenails before crashing.

It was the worst night of sleep. EVER.  The mattress was so hard...I felt awful the next day.  Anyway, we got to the hospital at 6:15 and sat with him.  An emergency came in and they ended up not taking him to surgery until about 11:20.  We sat in the waiting room, exhausted, listening to some really annoying people.  I was not the happiest of campers.  At 4:45 we were just starting to get worried and the doctor came in and said that he was fine and back in his room.

Apparently the cyst was larger than they expected and they couldn't get all of it out, but they got most of it.  The doctor said he came through the surgery very well.  He didn't want to wake up at all, so about 6:30 we headed home.  I have never been so happy to be in my own bed!  Saturday we got there about 1:30 or 2:00 and he was still pretty much out.  They said he didn't come out of the anesthesia until midnight the night before.  Well, after about two hours we thought it was silly to just sit there, so we called a friend and met for supper at Coral Ridge Mall.

Sunday we went down and he was out of the ICU and in the regular neurosurgery ward.  He was more alert, but not really with it.  I know he was sad that we had to leave after just a couple hours, but we were both exhausted and had to work Monday.

We called him briefly Monday night and then Tuesday my uncle came over to fix the door frames which the police busted.  We ended up taking him home around 3:00 and after we dropped him off, we hopped down to the hospital.  (He lives about half an hour away.)  We weren't going to go back until today, but it's a good thing we went yesterday because a gentleman from Mary Greeley came to talk to him about rehab.  Today dad didn't remember much of the conversation, so it's good I could say that we had talked about it last night and he, mom and I had decided it was the best course of action.

So, this morning at 11:00 a.m. they were transporting him to Mary Greeley.  Now it will only be a half hour drive to go see him.

Much relief.

Is it bad that now that the panic is over I am feeling slightly sorry for myself?  I just keep thinking it's crappy that I don't have someone to come home to to make it better.  I mean I have mom, but it's not the same as coming home to a spouse or partner and having someone to hold you and love you.  I'm just tired of going through all this rough sh*t by myself.  Ok, end of pity party.  I really am so glad dad is ok.

Tough Times

Well, this year has certainly thrown a lot my way.  Over the past twelve months I have lost a great boss and friend, carried my workplace (again), found and lost another friendship, and exhausted myself with graduate studies.  But that, it would seem, is not sufficient.

As I write this I am sitting the in the cafeteria at the University of Iowa hospital.  Yesterday, I texted my dad, just stupid stuff.  I never heard back.  Something inside me said "WARNING!"  I realized that we hadn't heard from him since Sunday.  I got in my car, drove to his house and warming bells really started ringing. The lights were off, the truck was in the garage, he wasn't answering any phones.

After about half an hour of ounding in doors and windows, mom left work early and we decided to call the police.  They took forever.  Well, 15 minutes seems like forever.  Finally, after a second officer joined the first (someone I had gone to school with), they busted in the doors and found him lying on the living room floor, five feet away from where I was knocking--his cell phone was on the desk just a foot away.

He was somewhat responsive, answering some questions but not others. We don't know for sure but we think he had been laying there since sometime Monday.  About 1 a.m. This morning they transported him here to Iowa City.  They told us they would probably do surgery in the morning, so after some debate, we decided to get a little sleep and then head here.

At 6 when mom called to find out where he was, they said he'd just come out of surgery because when he got here it was much worse than they first thought.  What we later found out is that they put two drains in his head to let the extra fluid out.

A couple years ago he found out he had a cyst in his brain that might never cause problems, but it shifted and blocked the flow of spinal fluid.  They think he's been having seizures so right now all we can do is wait.  If they can, if he seems like he is coming out of it ok, they will remove the cyst.  If not...

We continue to wait.