Double Gnome Seven to Control--I think I may have found some strange sort of weapon...
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Another Year Younger
Well, a little over two weeks ago I turned 31. Amazing how time flies isn't it? I feel like I've been out high school for a couple years, but not for 13. Hopefully, I'm a little wiser...hopefully.
On the plus side, I don't think I look much different. People have thought I was 21 since I was 15. I'm ok with that.
On the plus side, I don't think I look much different. People have thought I was 21 since I was 15. I'm ok with that.
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| Winter 2011. |
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| My senior pic. |
I had a wonderful time celebrating for, I think, the third year in a row, with one of my favorite peeps in the world, whose b'day is the day before mine. She is, in fact, an entire year older than me. :) My bday, just wouldn't be my bday without my Lins!
Another milestone, yesterday marks the one year anniversary of my Lasik eye surgery!
Hmm, what will next year bring?
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
I'm a Grown-Up Now!
Let me just clear a few things up before we start.
I've lived with my mother, except for some brief time at college and overseas, since I was nine, and up to this point, I have not minded. Now, there are some interesting family dynamics. My parents divorced when I was like eight months old. My brother and I lived with dad, but mom was there to take care of us all day. She was there when I got up and there to put me to bed at night. I had a really good friend in kindergarten who moved away to Texas with her family as many families did at that time. (Fisher Controls moved a whole gob of jobs south.) This started a trend in my life. I had a few friends who either moved or we went to different schools, then later I had friends who constantly stabbed each other in the back...really a toxic group. My point is, for a lot of years, mom tried to be my friend as well as my mom. She really tried to make sure I felt ok and to build me up.
This really didn't work out well. Bless her, she tried. But we were so much alike, and we both had problems, and I was so depressed...we fought a lot. We are both messy, at least together, we both stay up too late during the week and sleep too late on the weekends, and we both medicate ourselves with food. I never had to work. Not at school, not at home. (Now, I've had jobs, I have to work to support myself, I'm talking chores/household stuff.) Now I don't know how to keep a tidy home, and I had a hell of a time applying myself in college when I wanted to, because I didn't know how. My brother was the genius, but I got by with pretty good grades and very little effort, so I didn't know how to dig in and really study.
Fast forward fifteen years. Mom is still trying to be my best friend, still trying to make sure my life is bearable. Over the last couple years, I really would have liked to get out on my own, have my own place, have my own life. Unless I work five jobs, it's just not possible. Lately, I've been getting restless, and for some odd reason mom has gotten very clingy. I feel like she can't keep track of anything without me, although I know she is fully capable. I think it's a subconscious way of keeping me close. She's upset that my brother is talking about moving to Colorado, and she wants to keep me close. I know she enjoys my company, but I think we have become too dependent on one another.
Today, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I NEED MY OWN SPACE!
The other thing I've been thinking about is my faith. I believe in God and I always will. The problem comes with other people. Perhaps some of it stems from the fact that I put my all into a church for about twelve years, it was my family, my life, and then all of the sudden, I can't even get people to return my phone call. Then, Saturday night, I was hanging out with my fifteen year old cousin and we watched Joyful Noise. (It was not bad. Little slow in the middle.) I looked at Queen Latifah's character, pretty closed minded, everything was very black and white. Then you have stuff like gay marriage. No matter how you or I personally feel about all things "gay", this country was founded on religious freedom. Do we really have the right to tell people they can't get married? (Ok, yes, there should be age limits, and animals should be off limits.) I guess what I'm saying is, I don't want to be a cookie cutter person. I'm not going to just blindly believe things because someone, even someone I trust and respect, tells me it's so. And I don't like those people, like Queen Latifah's character, who are closed-minded in that this it's what's right, and that's that.
Maybe that makes me a bad Christian (I've never claimed to be a good one), but I believe what is more important is to love people, whether they are different from me, or not. That is what is going to make a difference in people's lives. I don't have to agree with or like someone's choices or lifestyle to love them and respect them as a brother (or sister) in humanity. I understand why people are turned of by Christianity. People get together talking about love and acceptance and holiness, and then treat other people no differently. I am guilty of that.
At this point in my life, I want to have my faith and beliefs, and discover for myself the truth. I don't want to be spoon fed.
I feel like I'm actually becoming myself. For so long I've been someone to kind of morphs to be different things with different people. Not that my core beliefs changed, but that used or didn't use words according to whom I was with, etc. Time to become myself, and be myself no matter what.
And that involves having my own space.
I still love you mom, we just need to learn how to live without each other.
- I am thirty, soon to be thirty-one.
- Every cent I makes goes to college debt.
- Yes, I live with my mother.
I've lived with my mother, except for some brief time at college and overseas, since I was nine, and up to this point, I have not minded. Now, there are some interesting family dynamics. My parents divorced when I was like eight months old. My brother and I lived with dad, but mom was there to take care of us all day. She was there when I got up and there to put me to bed at night. I had a really good friend in kindergarten who moved away to Texas with her family as many families did at that time. (Fisher Controls moved a whole gob of jobs south.) This started a trend in my life. I had a few friends who either moved or we went to different schools, then later I had friends who constantly stabbed each other in the back...really a toxic group. My point is, for a lot of years, mom tried to be my friend as well as my mom. She really tried to make sure I felt ok and to build me up.
This really didn't work out well. Bless her, she tried. But we were so much alike, and we both had problems, and I was so depressed...we fought a lot. We are both messy, at least together, we both stay up too late during the week and sleep too late on the weekends, and we both medicate ourselves with food. I never had to work. Not at school, not at home. (Now, I've had jobs, I have to work to support myself, I'm talking chores/household stuff.) Now I don't know how to keep a tidy home, and I had a hell of a time applying myself in college when I wanted to, because I didn't know how. My brother was the genius, but I got by with pretty good grades and very little effort, so I didn't know how to dig in and really study.
Fast forward fifteen years. Mom is still trying to be my best friend, still trying to make sure my life is bearable. Over the last couple years, I really would have liked to get out on my own, have my own place, have my own life. Unless I work five jobs, it's just not possible. Lately, I've been getting restless, and for some odd reason mom has gotten very clingy. I feel like she can't keep track of anything without me, although I know she is fully capable. I think it's a subconscious way of keeping me close. She's upset that my brother is talking about moving to Colorado, and she wants to keep me close. I know she enjoys my company, but I think we have become too dependent on one another.
Today, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I NEED MY OWN SPACE!
The other thing I've been thinking about is my faith. I believe in God and I always will. The problem comes with other people. Perhaps some of it stems from the fact that I put my all into a church for about twelve years, it was my family, my life, and then all of the sudden, I can't even get people to return my phone call. Then, Saturday night, I was hanging out with my fifteen year old cousin and we watched Joyful Noise. (It was not bad. Little slow in the middle.) I looked at Queen Latifah's character, pretty closed minded, everything was very black and white. Then you have stuff like gay marriage. No matter how you or I personally feel about all things "gay", this country was founded on religious freedom. Do we really have the right to tell people they can't get married? (Ok, yes, there should be age limits, and animals should be off limits.) I guess what I'm saying is, I don't want to be a cookie cutter person. I'm not going to just blindly believe things because someone, even someone I trust and respect, tells me it's so. And I don't like those people, like Queen Latifah's character, who are closed-minded in that this it's what's right, and that's that.
Maybe that makes me a bad Christian (I've never claimed to be a good one), but I believe what is more important is to love people, whether they are different from me, or not. That is what is going to make a difference in people's lives. I don't have to agree with or like someone's choices or lifestyle to love them and respect them as a brother (or sister) in humanity. I understand why people are turned of by Christianity. People get together talking about love and acceptance and holiness, and then treat other people no differently. I am guilty of that.
At this point in my life, I want to have my faith and beliefs, and discover for myself the truth. I don't want to be spoon fed.
I feel like I'm actually becoming myself. For so long I've been someone to kind of morphs to be different things with different people. Not that my core beliefs changed, but that used or didn't use words according to whom I was with, etc. Time to become myself, and be myself no matter what.
And that involves having my own space.
I still love you mom, we just need to learn how to live without each other.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Saturday, June 2, 2012
Second Place...I DO!
Isn't it funny how our ideas, ideals, thoughts, dreams and plans evolve as we age?
Case in point:
When I was a teenager, desperate to belong to someone and to be loved, I had it all planned out. (I'm certain that most of us little girls do.) I would be married and starting a family by the time I was twenty-five. This person would be my entire world, we would be extremely happy, and of course, all my issues would be solved because someone could finally love me, even the way I was. (For those of you who don't know how I was, or thought I was, that was fat, ugly, worthless and unloveable.) I know, quite a feat for anyone, especially since I was doing my best to be absolutely certain that I was completely unlovable, although it took me till a few years ago to realize I was doing so. I mean, I didn't want to be incapable, like I couldn't do anything on my own, but I basically wanted someone to be my life.
Older and a little, very little, wiser my plans seemed to have shifted a slightly.
Recently, I was reading some articles and checking out websites having to do with the Avengers movie and its stars, and I came across an article about Jeremy Renner which talked about how he found dating to be difficult since he couldn't find a woman who wanted to be second chair to his career. My first reaction was, well duh!, but I began to think about it. At this point in my life, nearly thirty-one years old, still single, never dated, still screwed up in the head, what do I really want from a relationship? Forget my childish plans, what do I want now?
At this time, this moment, I want to have security, stability, companionship, respect, and of course love. I think I could be perfectly happy in a relationship where we each had our own projects, our own goals and things to do, but we acted as a mutual support to the other. I don't want one person to be my life. By this point, I've lived on my own long enough to have become independent and sort of set in my ways, so I want the freedom to be me, with the security of knowing that someone is there with me to enjoy life, love me, and be there when I really need them. As long as two people work on their relationship and can agree to the terms, I don't think I'd mind being second.
Yes, I can see it—husband off filming movies while I dig into my writing, welding and other hobbies. We enjoy time together in between, and of course communicate regularly when apart. Hmm, I rather think it could work!
So, Jeremy if you're reading this, I'd give it a shot...just give me a call!
Case in point:
When I was a teenager, desperate to belong to someone and to be loved, I had it all planned out. (I'm certain that most of us little girls do.) I would be married and starting a family by the time I was twenty-five. This person would be my entire world, we would be extremely happy, and of course, all my issues would be solved because someone could finally love me, even the way I was. (For those of you who don't know how I was, or thought I was, that was fat, ugly, worthless and unloveable.) I know, quite a feat for anyone, especially since I was doing my best to be absolutely certain that I was completely unlovable, although it took me till a few years ago to realize I was doing so. I mean, I didn't want to be incapable, like I couldn't do anything on my own, but I basically wanted someone to be my life.
Older and a little, very little, wiser my plans seemed to have shifted a slightly.
Recently, I was reading some articles and checking out websites having to do with the Avengers movie and its stars, and I came across an article about Jeremy Renner which talked about how he found dating to be difficult since he couldn't find a woman who wanted to be second chair to his career. My first reaction was, well duh!, but I began to think about it. At this point in my life, nearly thirty-one years old, still single, never dated, still screwed up in the head, what do I really want from a relationship? Forget my childish plans, what do I want now?
At this time, this moment, I want to have security, stability, companionship, respect, and of course love. I think I could be perfectly happy in a relationship where we each had our own projects, our own goals and things to do, but we acted as a mutual support to the other. I don't want one person to be my life. By this point, I've lived on my own long enough to have become independent and sort of set in my ways, so I want the freedom to be me, with the security of knowing that someone is there with me to enjoy life, love me, and be there when I really need them. As long as two people work on their relationship and can agree to the terms, I don't think I'd mind being second.
Yes, I can see it—husband off filming movies while I dig into my writing, welding and other hobbies. We enjoy time together in between, and of course communicate regularly when apart. Hmm, I rather think it could work!
So, Jeremy if you're reading this, I'd give it a shot...just give me a call!
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Long Weekend
Well, my long holiday weekend was long, for certain!
I took Friday off since last week was the only week this month I could take vacation, and I thought I would have a nice relaxing weekend and really dig into this story that's been tumbling around in my head. Mom took Friday off, so we just kinda bummed around and didn't do anything serious. Saturday we slept in and then mom had to go to work in the early afternoon. Ok, I thought, here's my chance to put some meat on the bones of this story. I didn't get right into it, I took my time getting dressed and such and then checked my email and facebook. Then I decided I would watch a little bit of Neo Ned while I finally ate a sandwich. Somewhere not too far in to the movie, my aunt Joy called and said that my grandpa was bringing my grandma up to the ER with chest pains.
Needless to say, I dropped everything and went to the ER where I sat with Grandpa for nigh on 6 hours.
All is well, however! It turned out to be diverticulitis—an infection in her intestines. She's on antibiotics and should be fine.
WHEW!
I took Friday off since last week was the only week this month I could take vacation, and I thought I would have a nice relaxing weekend and really dig into this story that's been tumbling around in my head. Mom took Friday off, so we just kinda bummed around and didn't do anything serious. Saturday we slept in and then mom had to go to work in the early afternoon. Ok, I thought, here's my chance to put some meat on the bones of this story. I didn't get right into it, I took my time getting dressed and such and then checked my email and facebook. Then I decided I would watch a little bit of Neo Ned while I finally ate a sandwich. Somewhere not too far in to the movie, my aunt Joy called and said that my grandpa was bringing my grandma up to the ER with chest pains.
Needless to say, I dropped everything and went to the ER where I sat with Grandpa for nigh on 6 hours.
All is well, however! It turned out to be diverticulitis—an infection in her intestines. She's on antibiotics and should be fine.
WHEW!
Friday, May 25, 2012
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Curveball
I've been excitedly awaiting my gastric sleeve surgery and this weekend was a three day weekend. I was planning to get so much done. Boy...
