Feeling Hypo

OK, I promise that this not going to be another morose post, however, since I came home from Belarus things have been rough. Not only did I not get married like I'd hoped to, I had a lingering bug, a new semester started with no boss, and I am soo finished* with grad school... On top of that I had been feeling exhausted all the time, no matter how much I slept, had no appetite (which did not stop me from stuffing my face because of stress/emotions), I have been moody, depressed, and just feeling like I was about to have a nervous breakdown.

Most of the time I just wish I could be alone because people are so draining on my already drained psyche. And also because I was so emotional it was all I could do to not burst into tears most of the time. I really wanted to quit school (OK, I realize that is not the smartest idea ever, but when you feel like you are going to suffer a nervous breakdown...) and pretty much quit everything.

Then, last weekend I was able to run away for the weekend!

I went to see my bestie and her bean. I hadn't been down for a visit probably since last summer, and was anxious not only to catch up, but to play with the cutest, most awesome little girl ever! Her daughter just turned 3 and it was super fun to get to play with her and interact with her. And I needed advice from the best advice giver I have.

Of course, we also had much needed, for both of us, girl time. Saturday we went out to breakfast at this neat diner and had a breakfast that was way too huge for even me, and then went to get pedis!

I was still tired, but I felt spiritually refreshed after our time together.

Then it was back to reality. And Monday I got sick. I left work early in the afternoon and ended up tossing my cookies later. I stayed home Tuesday and half the day Wednesday. Monday I went in for routine blood work but they couldn't get a drop out of me. I went in Wednesday and they finally extracted enough for the tests.

Since I had been feeling so off for so long, I asked my doc if we could check my thyroid again (hadn't been checked for quite a while) and today she told me that yes, my thyroid is under active. Yes, I have to take another medicine, but as long as I feel better it doesn't bother me.

I'm relieved, really. I'm not crazy. I knew something was wrong. I just hope it helps.

Pretty toes!

One beautiful cabbage.

Yummy yummy borscht!

*If only I were finished. I just meant mentally...

Brick

Things are crap. On the way to work this morning I heard this song. Started bawling. Sums things up.

Internal Conflict

One of my friends on Facebook had posted an article recently about why we "selfless" women attract men who need fixing. The article starts out:

"I know so many women in the same position. We attract cheating men, commitment-phobic men, emotionally unavailable men, emotionally damaged men, alcoholics, drug abusers, narcissists and sociopaths."

While I can completely relate to what is in the article it has left me a little conflicted.

Looking back on my life I can see very clearly that I am a fixer, a clean-up-afterer, and a make-it-all-betterer. Many relationships in the past have been perfect examples of this. Even many of my friendships.  Yes, I attract needy, broken people and I have had to learn to recognize them and to let go.

Over the last two years since things have gotten serious with Alex, I have had a lot of mixed reactions and advice from friends and family. Some are very supportive while simultaneously concerned, and others have not been, at least not always, very supportive at all.

I get it.

People care about me and want me to be happy. I also want me to be happy.

I have thought about things a lot. I know that he is an alcoholic and I know that some are worried that I feel that I need to fix him. I know that some are concerned that I am letting myself be abused and putting myself on the back burner. I see how it looks that way, and at times I think to myself, am I sure about this?

Here's the thing. When we met, he was not an alcoholic. When we met, I was probably much more broken than he was. When we met we were just two people who got each other and enjoyed being around one another. We were best friends, we supported one another and lifted one another up.

Now, yes there is fixing needed. But, I understand that I can't fix him. Hell, I can't even fix myself. I don't want to fix him, I know that he has to fix himself, and he has to want to. What I want, is to be there to support him on his journey because there is so much potential for him. I want to support him and remind him that there is something worth fighting for.

I understand that I am gambling. What if he doesn't chose to change? What if he never quits drinking? If that happens, I won't stay in the relationship. But what if he does decide to change? What if he does quit drinking?

Maybe I'm not doing the right thing, but I'm doing what I feel is the right thing to do. I'm doing what I need to do so that there will be no regrets about not trying.

Towards the end of the article there is a line "Because a man who is worth loving won’t accept you leaning in to pick up his pieces. He knows that if you do, you’ll only hurt yourself." What's really interesting to me is that I think Alex feels concern for me. I think that's why he didn't try to move our relationship along for such a long time, because he didn't want to drag me down with him. He has asked me several times what I am doing with him and has been adamant that he is the one that has screwed things up and I am in no way responsible.

Is anyone ever sure they are making the right decision? Probably not 100% of the time. I recognize that I could be wrong, and if the time comes, I will move on.

Others may question me, but I feel pretty certain about my motives. I guess only time will tell.

Got Grit?

Things have been rough lately. Ok, for awhile. Ok for a long time. But recently I've been feeling extremely undervalued, under-appreciated, and well, like I just don't mean anything at work.

I am the kind of person who cannot do things halfheartedly. (Ok, sometimes when I go to obligatory social functions and my extrovertedness is all wiped out I can be half-hearted about it.) But when it comes to work or anything that I take seriously, I can't do a half-ass job. I tend to go way above and beyond, often driving myself nearly to the point of ulcers, and often to the point of exhaustion.

Add to that full-time grad school for three years, and no trying to get a fiancé visa for Alex, well, I just don't understand how I am still going?

Yesterday, I cam across this article on LinkedIn and I thought, huh, that must be it. I must have grit.

It's not pretty, but I guess it's what gets me through the (abundant) tough times. No, I never grew up thinking "Someday I'm gonna have lots of grit!" But you know what, there are a lot worse things that I could be.

On the one hand, I guess it made me feel a little better. On the other...not so much.

Huh.

Yeah Baby! Yeah!

Today was pretty fantastic.

No, I didn't get a promotion. No, I didn't win the lottery. Well, actually I did, in a way.

We all take things for granted. All of us. Every. last. one. We take it for granted that the people we love will be there tomorrow.We take it for granted that we can simply text someone and get a response in seconds (or get really pissed because it takes them 5 minutes to respond...I can see that you read it a$$hole!!!!)

Life can be so overwhelming, and sometimes we need a reminder to really appreciate everything that we do have.

When I was in Belarus in December and January, I took my mom's old iPhone with me to leave for Alex. He has a very basic model (hates technology in general) and his carrier is new and does not have an agreement with any US companies yet. So, I knew that if he had an iPhone and we got him a data plan he might finally be able to text me. (I have been texting him through Skype for two years, but he could not text me back. Nor could he call me.) I gave him the phone towards the end of my stay and didn't have much of a chance to show him how to use it, or be sure that it was set up correctly.

Shit.

I just figured it wasn't gonna work. Ok, no problem. It was worth a try.

Then one day I had a missed call from him! He figured out how to correctly dial me and now he can signal me. I don't answer and then call him back. (It is not cheap for him to call, whereas I have 100 minutes a month for $20. Which is a good thing because we tend to talk for hours at a time.)

I was thrilled. Ok, so maybe he couldn't text me, but he could still reach out. Yesterday he said he had gone to MTS and they got the Internet working on his phone. (Let me just say, it's been a painful process. I was not prepared to explain to a complete beginner how to use an iPhone...in Russian.)

Everyone once in awhile I'd try texting him to see if I got any answers. Yesterday after he said he'd been to MTS I sent another message, but never got a reply. This morning at work, I took my phone out and put it on my desk like normal (I don't like to keep it in my pocket all day) and I noticed that under yesterday's text it said "read"!!!!!

WHOA!

I texted him again. No answer, but it said "read." I texted him a selfie of my and Jazz and then lo and behold A REPLY!

Ohmigod, ohmigod, ohmigod, ohmigod!!!!!!

I kid you not, I was soaring! My heart was doing somersaults in my chest. I was so happy, you'd have thought I won that 1.5 billion dollar lottery.

I was telling all my friends the fantastic news. Most were very excited for me, but one or two were less than impressed. (At least it seemed that way to me.)

It made me feel kinda bad. All my friends here have their partners/spouses in the same town as them. It may not seem like a big deal to you, but you and your partner can text/call/visit in person whenever you want. I've seen my fiancé twice in the past 16 years, this is a lot for me.

Ok, maybe I talk about him a lot. Do you talk about your boy/girlfriend a lot? I'm perhaps overly sensitive, but I just wanted a few minutes to share in happiness with those closest to me.

Be thankful, all of you, for what and who you have in your life. Be thankful that the closest you can feel to being with your loved one is not simply seeing "delivered" change to "read" on your phone, and for one brief moment feeling like they are just across town, and not 5000 miles away.

Don't take people or things for granted.

Tell them you love them.

Every time.

Breath In, Breathe Out...

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

OK, now that I've gotten that out of the way... I'm stressing a little bit as of late, perhaps you could tell. Today marks one month home from Belarus and the longer I am home, the more I am struggling with being apart from Alex. He had a rougher time right away, but for me it has been coming on gradually.

On top of all of those emotions, it is crunch time academically. I have reached that point where I need to complete the incomplete courses from last semester, and I am also in my second week of the current semester. SO, this weekend I have to re-write one paper, write another, write a summative essay which is in place of my final exam for that class, and then do all my normal homework on top....

via GIPHY *

After that, it will be a walk in the park! I'll only have to keep up with the current semester, write a final project from my other incomplete class, and prepare for my comprehensive exam in the end of April/early May.

It's cool, I'm chill...

I know I'll make it through. I don't know how, but I will.

Going into hiding now, see you when I emerge next Monday an exhausted, frazzled, but much relieved person.

* Note the card catalog in the background! #librarianporn

Harrumph!

I know winter sucks, but GEESH!

Since I've been home from Belarus I thought I was doing really well. I miss Alex, but I've not been in a deep dark depression and lying in bed crying all day. I was so relaxed and rested when I came home and I thought the first week back would zing me big time, but work was creepily quiet and it was actually a pretty boring week. This last week...REALITY.

Thursday night while I was home alone I realized that I was shoving anything and everything in my mouth. Part of me has been like "you don't really need to lose weight, Alex loves you just how you are." Then the other part is all like "get off your fat ass and get healthy!"

I've been feeling conflicted and helpless. And today I'm just a grumpy ass bitch. I have a bunch of stuff to do in a very short time to complete my incomplete classes from last semester, I've barely been able to talk to Alex since I've been home and I miss him terribly, and now I'm upset because my best friend lost a good friend yesterday. I am the type of person who needs to do something for the people I care about. I don't really feel the need to fix things, but I feel the need to make things better, to cheer them up, to support them...to pick them up off the bathroom floor at 3 a.m. and hold them while they cry and puke, and it's killing me because I can't do a damned thing for anyone!

What I feel like I want want right now is to throw in the towel. I want to give up on my degrees. I want to run away somewhere and start over. I'm trying very hard to be positive, but let's face it, since 2012 my life has been pretty whacked up.

Yesterday my brother texted and said he was taking part in a weightless challenge at work and I suggested we have a competition between the two of us to see who can lose the most weight during his challenge at work. Loser buys pizza next time I'm in Denver. I'm hoping that this will be just the motivation I need to bring me out of the pit.

Starting today, I trying to eat better and to declutter my life. I just need to make it to May and to finish these damnable degrees and then I can collapse and blubber for awhile. I want to get another Y membership but I totally screwed up my right foot when I was in Belarus, so I have to take it easy for a little while. I'm going to try lifting weights as that will not involve standing or putting pressure on my heel.

Ok, let's try and turn this frown upside down.