Shattered Dreams Part 3

By the end of my time there, he really wasn't a person anymore, more like a shell. I tried the tough love thing, I decided I was going to be strong and not give him any more money and I tried, I really did. But I was already so overwhelmed by the situation, one the likes of which I'd never been in before, and then he kept asking, begging me and it was more than I was prepared to deal with. And I have to admit, I was a little scared of what would happen when he started to detox.

Sunday came. I walked to Kate's and gave her back the jar that had held the delicious cherry compote her mother had given me and she and her husband gave me tea and helped me call a taxi for the morning. Then I walked to his mom's house and said good bye. I gave her my address and asked that if anything really bad happened to write me and tell me. She said that she would come by that evening and say good bye.

I went back to the house and gathered up everything I could. I got out what I needed for the next day. Then it was just time to wait.

Nina, his mom, came at some point and brought me gifts, bless her heart. We sat for a little and then she left. She brought me a bottle of champagne which he saw and when she left he came out and said "give me the champagne."

We sat there at the table and I said, "the taxi is coming at 3:30 tomorrow morning." He looked surprised and sad. He said "You could stay here." Realizing that we had an impossible situation, my heart sank a little. I said that I couldn't stay and he asked why. I responded that firstly, my visa was up, secondly, I had to work, and lastly, that I could not just sit here and watch him drink. I asked if he could understand that. Sadly, he shook his head yes and said "It's my problem."

I laid down about 8:30 to try and sleep. I set my alarm for 1 am to give myself plenty of time to get ready in the morning. I slept fairly well and my alarm had gone off once when the door to my room opened and the light went on. He came in asking me to give him more alcohol. I said that I didn't have anything to give him. He looked like what I am going to do and went to lay down. I sat in the kitchen for a few minutes and listened to him laying there mumbling things like "why", "God help me", "help me", "let me die", and so on. Then I showered and got ready.

By three he was finally quiet. At 3:20 I snuck out. It broke my heart to not be able to hug him or kiss him good bye, but by that point he was pretty dirty.

It was an emotional day of travel, and the day after I got back I got a nasty virus. So, emotional healing on this one has been slowed because I physically feel like crap.

So, as I am home feeling like crap, crying my eyes out, I am truly concerned that he might have died. Finally, on Friday I call him, but my mouth is so dry it's hard to talk, so we spoke only briefly. He said he was more or less ok and he was glad to hear that I got home ok. I said I would call in a few days when I was feeling better.

I called on the following Tuesday and it was a very strange conversation. He said he had been doing a lot of thinking and that he hadn't realized that there would be such a difference between Russian and American girls. I asked what he meant and he said that a Russian girl would have stopped him. This is the moment when I became pretty pissed off. I defended myself by saying that I didn't want to give him money but he just kept coming to me asking. He was then like "No, it'a not your fault." He said he was writing a letter to explain and as neither one of us had anything more to say we said good bye.

I was really mad. He was trying to blame me. It's obvious that he is not ready to except responsibility. I will be anxious to see what the letter says, but I think it's pretty much time to move on, no matter how much it crushed my shattered heart.

I guess it's time to wait and see.

Shattered Dreams Part 2

Apparently, 20 bucks will buy you alcohol for 3-4 days.

The first two days I was there he kept hugging me and looking at me, saying, "I can't believe you are here." He would emerge from his room and come to the dining room to smoke, occasionally to eat something, and we would have brief conversations. He seemed genuinely happy that I was there, but of course this was not enough to make him stop drinking. After these brief encounters, he would go in his room, close the door and sleep.

By the third day I am finally catching on that this wasn't just excitement or nerves, that he has a real problem and that this is what it's going to be like. I ran through the gamut of emotions. Anger, sadness, pity, compassion, wanting to beat the shit out of him...

I don't remember if it was the second or third night after he had stumbled off to sleep and I sat there in the kitchen getting angry. I finally got up, went into his room looking for alcohol. I couldn't get the lights to turn on in my anger so I turned my phone flash light on and looked for a stash. He had to have some more somewhere, how else could be keep getting drunker as the day went on. He opened his eyes and looked at me and I said, "What, nothing more to drink?" Then I burst into tears, slammed his door shut and went into my room, sat on the bed and just bawled.

He came in looking confused and asked why I was crying. I asked why I wouldn't be crying. He got down on his knees put his head on my lap and said he was sorry, this was all his fault, please don't cry.

Of course, I couldn't stop crying for a long time.

And it obviously didn't stop him from drinking.

Monday I walked over and caught my host sister Kate on her way to work and she said to come back the next day and we could have a nice visit. Tuesday morning I went over and she was kind enough to take me around the city. It was a lovely day and we walked around and talked. She helped me get a SIM card for my phone and at last I could be in contact with my family and friends. She also took me to get some groceries because I was tired of eating bread and cheese, sausage and pelmeni. She dropped me off and said that I was invited to my host parents' house the day.

The next day I went to Kate's house and we drove to her parents. We had a lovely visit and a lovely lunch together. The house was so different, but it was so nice to be back.

When I got back to the house, I was getting bored by this point and now understood that my Prince Charming was not going to snap out of it, so I popped in my headphones, cleaned the kitchen (the dishes I had used and the all the cigarette ash off the table), made a snack, and popped a bottle of champagne. I felt pretty good. For a little while. Then I finally changed into my PJs and got my book.

Things all run together, but I believe it was later that evening I was in the kitchen reading and he came out to smoke. We talked for a minute and then he said "I must sleep." This time he paused and said "Maybe you want listen to some music?" I said, sure, so he put a cd in and then as the music began to play he got a little wound up. He started translating and explaining the music to me. Then he started dancing. Then he said I should dance too. So we danced, being silly for a minute. Then we sat back down and he explained songs a little more.

At some point he got up, came over and said he wanted to bite my ear, which he did. Then he asked me to get up and he put his arms around me and we danced for a little. He whispered in my ear that he really wanted to be with me, and then he went off to sleep.

 Pictures of Kate and I at my host family's house.

Shattered Dreams Part 1

(This post was written in the Vienna airport on my way home.)

Where do I even start?

This trip was not at all what I had hoped for. The last ten days have been such an emotional roller coaster, I don't know what I am feeling. So far this morning I have been wanting to alternate between crying and spewing all over the place.

I arrived in Minsk and didn't see Alyosha anywhere. Then a man who looked to be from the Caucaus region said "Katie?" I said "Yes." He must have seen the confusion in my eyes because he said "Alyosha?" I said " Yes, where is he." The man said that he was outside smoking. He called Alyosha and then I saw him.

I immediately thought, oh my god, something has happened to him--he looked like he'd been in an accident and no longer had all of his faculties. Then as we went out to the car I could smell the alcohol. I thought to myself, well, maybe the shock that I was coming was just too much for him, but he was really drunk. I couldn't look at him, to be honest. It was such a shock. Bless his heart, he was super emotional, and at one point he asked why I didn't want to look at him.

So, our driver turned out to be his neighbor, Grigorii. He looked at me and shook his head and said, "You poor thing." We stopped for a minute so that Alyosha could smoke and I realized he had a bottle of wine in his coat, which he apparently spilled while he was smoking. We stopped for gas and he kissed me, well tried to kiss me, but ended up just kind of sucking on my lip. We got to his house and his mother called. She asked to speak to me and said she would come see me. Alyosha kept hugging me and saying he couldn't believe I was here.

His mom came and just started crying. Then she started scolding him. So, she went to go get some food and said she would come back and we would all have dinner. Alyosha asked me if I had money to pay Grigorii and I said all I have is dollars and gave him a twenty. I laid down for a minute and must have fallen asleep because then his mother was standing over me saying "why did you give him money." Apparently, she had already paid Grigorii and Alyosha had taken the money and gone out to buy even more alcohol. He was really drunk now. I was like, how was I supposed to know.

So, after arguing with his mother, he went to sleep on the couch. We agreed that I would stay there that night and then the next day we'd figure things out. Little bugger was slightly frisky that night, but I schooed him away. I thought, tomorrow is a new day, things will be different in the morning.

Different, yes. Better, no.

Off Into The Wild Blue Laundry

Well, here I am! I can't believe that today is the day!

I have been waiting for weeks, for this trip, but I've been waiting for years to go back. I really can't believe that tomorrow I will be in Belarus.

I have been experiencing so many emotions. I really don't know how I feel, but I think it is going to be a great trip, even if it doesn't go exactly how I Imagined it.

I'm sitting in Des Moines at the gate waiting for the first flight to find out my destiny. (Maybe slightly overdramatic...)

Wish me luck!

See ya on the flipside!

***Update***

I have made it to Frankfurt!

I got on my flight out Chicago and there were three young people sitting in a row. The youngest was in my seat. I told her that and she just got that dear in the headlight look, and it was evident that she had no intentions of moving. So I tried asking where she was supposed to be sitting and if it was acceptable I would just sit there--deer...headlight. Finally, the young man, who seemed to be the oldest said could you sit here so we can all sit together. It was another aisle seat so I agreed.

I was a little miffed. Not so much that I really wanted that seat, but because they were just being stupid. Anywho, I ended up sitting next to a nice German man who had just been in Waterloo. He, it turns out, works for John Deere and had been there for training. We had a really nice chat.

I like it when that happens. So many times I sit next to someone and it is very evident they are thinking "Why do I have to be stuck next to the fat person?" Now, before you roll your eyes at me, look me in the eye and tell me you've never thought that yourself...Well?

It's ok. I understand. I don't like being crammed in next to you either.

Well, In a little less than three hours I will be on my final flight to MSQ. (You know you travel a lot when you name cities by their airport code.) I CAN'T BELIEVE I AM ALMOST THERE!

Happy dance! I can't wait to see Alex's, hopefully, smiling face!

I am exhausted, but it is worth it.

The Countdown Is On...T Minus 3 Days

Oh.My.God.

Time has really flown. It seems like just yesterday I made a spur of the moment purchase of airline tickets. These past eight or so weeks have really flown!!!

The last week or so has been an emotional roller coaster. I was sure that I wouldn't get my visa in time, I've been having feelings of doubt and insecurity, I'm so proud that I knuckled down an lost 33 pounds, but of course I am wishing that I had lost more (insecurity talking), and I'm feeling really vulnerable.

And excited.

Very excited.

And nervous.

Very nervous.

But still excited.

I can't believe that four days I will be on my way! I had planned to surprise him and just sort of show up (I know, in hindsight not my best idea) but I rethought this idea. I called him on Saturday, actually I called his mom and she was like here, I'll put him on the phone, and I said that I was coming. He was a little quiet and mumbled that he was very surprised. Then he was rattling of a whirlwind of logistics. When he quieted down again I said, "well, are you happy?" He said, "Yes, it is just very unexpected."

Insert sarcastic "gee I'm so glad that you're that excited about it" face here.

I then said that I would let him get back to preparations for the holiday the next day (International Women's Day) and I would text him my flight number. When I texted him later I said that I was sorry again for not telling him sooner, my flight number and the time of arrival, and that I would call him on Monday.

So...Monday (or Sunday night) I stayed up till 1 a.m. so I could call him and we started out kind of confused, but we finally got on the same page and he said that he received my flight information, chastised me for not telling him sooner, said he would meet me at the airport thought he had to figure out how to get there. I apologized again and he said we'll talk about it when I am there. I wanted to say "yes dad." I feel like a child who did something naughty.

I hope he is as excited, and nervous, as I am.

It will be fine!

AND I got my passport last night! (Phew!)

Remembering What's Important

OHMIGOD!

Two weeks from tomorrow I will be on my way to Belarus!!!!!!!!

I may have kind of, a little bit, flipped out this week. It was rough. I had four very intensive days of homework, work was stressful, emotional crap... So, I have been getting really nervous about going. All these "what if" scenarios keep popping in my head and I was getting pretty anxious. Not to mention that I got two calls from the consulate about my visa application... :\

Last night, I got out my box of letters and read the first one I received since breaking our silence a year ago. As I read it and let the excitement and warmth was over me, suddenly my worries disappeared.

While I am still nervous about my visa until it is in my hand, I have reconnected with my host sister and another friend there and I feel like I have several people to reach out to if needed.

It's all gonna be ok.

I'm going back!

OMG!

The Countdown Is On!

Wow! Time flies when you have a lot to do and you feel like you never get anything done!

Time is winding down! One month from right now I will be in Belarus. I can't believe it! Tickets are purchased, hotel is booked, and all I have left to do is send my visa application. Hopefully I can do that tomorrow.

My plan has been to surprise Alex on his birthday. Before you say that you hope he doesn't leave town, I did write to his mother and tell her.

I am getting really excited.

Also, nervous.

I mean, I haven't seen the man for 15 years. I'm really putting myself out there, but I think it is worth it. So, in preparation of my departure, some memories, and a video I found with pics from Dzerzhinsk.

Lena, me, Alex in the back, Tanya, Vanya and Kate in the front.

Blowing bubbles at VBS in Kiev.

Group pic in Kiev, the last time I saw him.