The Coronapocolypse

Sorry y'all--this whole virus thing might be my fault. After mom's whole emergency medical fiasco I thought to myself, well, things can only go up from here... Oops.

What a surreal time we are living in. I know this is not the first pandemic, but this pandemic is unique. I'm pretty sure that this is the first pandemic during the digital age, with a constant barrage of news and social media posts. On the one hand it's great because we new it was coming, many people can work from home, we can still socialize through Skype or Facetime, etc., and we have updates within minutes.

On the other hand, it can be too much information, incorrect information, and panic can spread like wildfires.

There have been so many things that have made me cringe and filled me with disgust. People have panicked and bought out all the toilet paper, there are food shortages because people are hoarding food, and then there have been people trying to sell hand sanitizer and toilet paper for 10 times the normal price. It absolutely infuriates me that people can be such huge douche canoes and I hope that karma will get them. But then there have been such wonderful things happening--perfume companies switching to making hand sanitizer to fill the gap, companies paying their employees even if they can't come to work, people 3D printing ventilator parts, people sewing masks for healthcare workers, people offering food and toilet paper to those in need...the list goes on.

Some people have not taken things seriously, which is infuriating, but many people have been taking things seriously.

So what is life like at the moment? Staying at home, reading emails, Zoom meetings for work, reading, knitting, cleaning, watching movies, playing games with my family, and once in awhile venturing out to a store. It is really nice that there is so little traffic, yet that is also disconcerting.

Another cool thing is that so many companies have been making digital resources free, especially for kids while they can't be in school. I've been trying to share everything on Facebook so that people with kids have ideas and resources.

Everyone stay safe. Wash your hands. Stay home.

2020

Cheese whiz!

How is it already March 2020? Laugh it up all you young whippersnappers! All to soon you will realize that us old people know a thing or two and that we are not lying when we say that at forty you still feel like you've only been out of school a couple years and that the days go faster and faster.

Ha!

Well, it probably doesn't help that this year has been kinda bat shit crazy. We started the year off by calling the ambulance for my mom at 2:30 in the morning on January 2nd. It was very fortunate that she was feeling so sick, because they discovered two very large blood clots.

It was something that we all had to wrap our heads around--the fact that at any moment she could have been gone is really a hard thing to grasp. I guess mom felt that she needed to have a near death experience since dad had one several years ago. I told them that they could both knock it off now.

Otherwise, things are going pretty well.

Just before Thanksgiving I was fed up with dating and decided to go on and delete both my apps. I really hated Plenty of Fish and had so many bad experiences, so I had hidden my profile for several months. When I went on one day to figure out how to delete my profile, this guy messaged me and I thought a lot about whether or not to respond. I went back and forth. But, he looked kinda cute and he actually wrote me a message instead of just "hey" like most guys.

So, I decided to message him back the next day. We started messaging everyday and two weeks later we had our first date. We met at a coffee shop and had boba and when I looked at my watch we had been talking for two and a half hours.

We have talked to each other every day since, and had a date at least once a week. He is so sweet, a true gentleman, and even my mom loves him. I just never believed I could find someone like him. It's so amazing to feel loved and cherished, and to be looked at like I am a precious gem.

So, yeah, this year has been a little crazy, but it's been good too.

via GIPHY

Taking Care Of Me!!

The past few months have not been easy, but whatever. I’m fighting my way through it because I am a badass! I have been doing a lot of things to try and take care of myself and to offset the stress of everyday life. I try to go for a massage once a month, and I go to the chiropractor every couple weeks. I’ve started meditating, I’m usng CBD oil to help with anxiety and restless legs, and I am looking into accupuncture to help with some things. But sometimes, your body tells you that you need more!

It is super important to listen to what your body needs. I spent so many years abusing my body and then being mad at it. I still don’t love it, but I am trying to treat it kindly. Since, starting my new job right after my last vacation in May 2018, I had only taken one or two days off and that was for things like moving or appointments. Not fun.

I realized that I needed a break, but I can’t afford a vacation. So, what do I do? What I usually do and get on some travel site and torture myself with trips I can’t take. . .

This time, instead of flights, I got on AirBnB and somehow found this adorable little cabin only an hour an half from home and right in the foothills on the edge of Pike National Forest. And it was cheaper than a hotel! So, I did it. I booked a long weekend when the weather would hopefully be crisp and the trees would be beautiful.

OHMIGOD! I have needed this so much. Between living with two family members (who I dearly love) and working with one of them, I just need some devoted down/quiet/me time.

I arrived in town and went straight to the Rocky Mountain Dinosaur Resource Center (you really need to go if you like dinosaurs!!) and then came to the cabin.

It.is.AMAZING.

It is so quiet here, and the air is so fresh. As soon as I got here I just felt everything melt away. Complete peace. I sat and ate dinner enjoying some soft jazz music and actually paying attention to how my food tasted, what it felt like in my mouth, etc. I listened to the Avs kick Las Vegas ass, and then, I quietly read a manga. (It’s a fantastic series, btw.) And now I am sitting here in the silence, drinking my Tazo Zen tea, and writing a blog—something I have not been able to do fro quite some time.

At this moment—life is very good.

Am I In A Time Warp?

Geez! As you get older you figure out that the adults in your life actually knew what they were talking about when you thought you knew better than them as a teenager. Time really does go faster three older you get, and you really don’t feel any older mentally.

For example, I feel like it hasn’t been very long since my last post, but it has in fact been three months. Or the fact that I don’t feel much older than a senior in high school or a college student, but in fact my twenty year high school class reunion is coming up in two weeks, and some of my classmates themselves have children graduating high school.

Obviously, time does not actually go faster as we age, so what is going on? Is it the fact that we have more responsibilities, more time commitments? Is it the weight of worry in our lives when as youths we were carefree? Or is it just what Dr. Who said—time is wibbly wobbly and it really does go faster as you age?

We may never know.

I get really frustrated with myself when I lose track of time. Like with my blog. If I don’t do it regularly, then when I think about it I think, oh it hasn’t been that long, I can do it tomorrow. Tomorrow comes and a month goes and I still have written nothing.

No big deal, it’s just a blog post, you say. You’re right, except that it isn’t just a blog post, the same thing happens with many things in my life, and before I know it, a whole year has gone by and I have done any the things that I wanted to, things that would provide me a creative outlet…things that help me enjoy life.

I guess that this is a good reminder to be intentional in life. It sounds so unromantic, but I need plan for the things that bring me joy. I don’t mean that I need to plan my whole life, but I need to be intentional about doing the things, like writing, sewing, drawing, creating, that make me happy and give me an outlet to relieve the stresses of life.

The next problem will then be deciding on what those activities are, because I want to try so many things that I could very easily overwhelm myself by trying to do too many things.

Along with doing things that being me joy, I am also recommitting to my health. I lost 100 pounds and then depression came and pretty much wrecked me. Fortunately, I am doing very well right now, and feel that I have the mental and emotional capacity to lose the weight again.

All in all, life is good right now. I love my job, I have made new friends here, and I have put myself out in the dating world, as frustrating as that is. I am in a good place and ready to just keep making it better.

Keep Swimming, Just Keep Swimming

It's April already! Geez, how can time go so fast?

The last several years I have been doing a lot of reflecting and trying to grow personally, and the last year and half a lot has happened. I ended my engagement of almost three years, I started dating for the first time, I met and lost someone who truly treated me how I should be treated, I got a new job that I love, and most recently, I got into and out of what turned out to be an abusive relationship...

The biggest struggle I had however, was with my health.

In 2017 I had lost 100 pounds and I had plateaued, but I was maintaining pretty well. Then, all of the sudden I just started gaining weight. I had just started my new job, I was gaining weight even though I was trying really hard not to, I was exhausted and angry and basically couldn't understand what was going on with me. After trying thyroid medicine, we came to the conclusion that it was in fact depression.

My mom was not crazy about the thought of me taking antidepressants, but I knew I needed to try it. And man, has it made all the difference. I am now in a good place mentally and able to function.

I decided to write about it, because I want to help to break the stigma that goes along with mental health.

There is nothing to be ashamed of if you suffer from mental illness. Mental illness is just as real as any other illness. And you don't have to explain to anyone else if you take medicine for it. You do what you need to do for your health.

And speaking of my health, unfortunately, I gained back all the weight I had lost, so I am starting over and determined to get it all back off. And I know I can, cuz I already did. I just have to keep swimming, even if the tide bounces me around a bit.

In happy news, my mom, brother, and I are all moving in together to save money. I'm super excited about being close to my brother! Not so excited about moving, ha ha ha.

Looking Forward

Oh man, I have not written a blog post for such a long time. Well, nothing like starting another new year by looking back, and then looking forward.

There was a lot of great stuff in 2018, and there was a lot of tough stuff. The year started out great--I was celebrating the 100 pound weight loss in 2017 and just feeling great in general. But, near the end of January I finally realized that my "relationship" was going nowhere and ended. I was more pissed about having wasted 2.5 years being "engaged" than brokenhearted. That's probably cuz deep down I knew it was over a long time ago. Feeling relieved and empowered, I started to do something that I had never done before...dating.

The day after I decided that it was over with Alex and I, I signed up on a dating app and within a few weeks I was dating. It was scary, but exciting. I was thrilled to know that there were guys out there who found me attractive. At the beginning of summer, I even found pretty much the perfect guy, and even though I tried really hard to keep it casual, I totally fell for him. He ended up moving away, but I'm grateful to him for showing me how I should be treated.

In April I took a wonderful trip to Belgium, Germany and the Netherlands and was able to spend time with old friends, and meet a newer friend for the first time. It was a wonderful time of fun, relaxation, and renewal. And the best part is, while I was gone, I got offered a new job!

It was about this time that things took a little turn for the worse. I started feeling tired, gaining weight even though I was trying hard not to, and as summer went on, the depression and anxiety just got worse and worse. I thought it might be my thyroid, but when we tried meds for that, it was too much. Finally, after talking to my counselor and doctor, we decided to try another medication. And it has been such a huge help.

So, my love life isn't great, the guy that I totally fell for left, and I have gained a lot of weight back, but, I love my job, I love my coworkers, I'm making new friends, and I started a side gig. I have my own bakery!

I don't really believe in resolutions, I don't want to set myself up for failure, but I do believe in having goals. So, 2019, what are we gonna do together?

My wishes for 2019:

• To continue becoming a stronger, more confident, and healthier me
• To find ways to cultivate my creative energies and encourage creative growth
• To grow professionally
• To read more
• To treat myself better and not let others treat me poorly

Here'e to a blank slate!

via GIPHY

Cycles

I seem to have cycles for various things in my life. When I get my heart broken I bawl for a few days. Then I get really pissed off. Then I get depressed and convince myself that everyone hates me, that I don't matter, etc. Then comes the part where I start to accept what has happened. When there is a big event, I am cool as a cucumber at the time, but a week later (or a month, depending on how big of an event and how long it has kept me busy) I have a complete emotional breakdown.

I also go through cycles of being super duper hopeful, followed by times of trying to shut down my feelz factory completely.

It's not that I hate feeling, it's just that I feel things so strongly, so deeply that when something doesn't work out (which is usually) it tears a huge chunk out of my soul. I don't like how emotional I am. I have never liked how emotional I am. I mean, the mountain tops are great, but those valleys, oh man they are low.

It's taken me a long time to work out who I am, how my emotions work, etc. I don't have myself completely figured out, but I generally know how I'm going to react to things. You may or may not put any stock into personality types, but I think there are similarities amongst certain groups of people. I am extremely introverted, creative, and nurturing. My natural state is investing myself completely into those around me, because I see so much potential and I want everyone to (please pardon me, Army) be all that they can be.

My goal in life, my purpose, is to make things better. I want to leave people and things better than they were before. So, I do things to make people happy, to cheer them up, to help them. I want to leave the world a better place than it was. Unfortunately, this takes a great toll on me. And while it truly is a gift to feel things so deeply, to be so passionate, it is also a real curse.

I put 100% into every relationship, everything I do. This is awesome, and you may wonder why that is a problem apart from it making me tired. The downside is that most people do not do this. Most people put a lot of energy into a few things.  Not me. I put my whole heart in, every time, even when I try not to. You can guess how this usually ends.

People don't tend to stay in my life for very long. Okay, that's not exactly true. Thanks to things like Facebook and Instagram, people stay in life in a very limited capacity, but if social media were not a thing, we would still be in touch. What I mean is, the trend seems to be that someone will come into my life, I will pour myself into them, and after a few months, maybe a year or two, they move on and I am left depleted and alone wonder why they don't like me.

It took me a long time to realize that people moving on or not investing the same (ridiculously high) level of energy into the relationship that I do does not mean that they don't like me or don't care. It's just that I care at such a super high level, there are very few people in the world that do the same. So the terrible catch-22 in which I find myself is that all I want is for someone, one person, to care about me as much as I care about them, but it is never going to happen.

Many times in my life I have had the thought that perhaps I am just here to give to others. Maybe I am like a battery charger for the world and I go around charging other up, making them shine, but then that means that I don't get the same thing back. Really, it's an honorable thing to be able to make the world better and brighter.

I dunno, I probably think and analyze to much. I am the most hopeful depressed person you will ever meet! I mean, honestly! How can someone struggle with such terrible depression (at times, not always) and still remain so damn hopeful, even when trying desperately to not be hopeful.

A conundrum. I am a walking conundrum.

Well, maybe life will surprise me yet and there will be a knight come my way, not to fight my battles, but to fight with me, to fight to be together. But I'm not going to get my hopes up. Okay, I'm going to try and miserably fail to not get my hopes up. . . I can't help it.

Here's hoping that someone throws a wrench in my cycle.