Saturday, January 28, 2012
Emergency Exit
Sometimes I wish life, or least the situation I find myself in at that moment, had an emergency exit...
Monday, January 23, 2012
Facing my fears.
How many times have I gotten completely disgusted with myself and said that things were going to be different, or lost a bunch of weight and promised myself I would never go back? Too many. On the eve of the beginning of Live Healthy Iowa (part of Live Healthy America) as I am deciding that I AM going to do this, that I CAN change, I decided that perhaps I need to examine the reasons I have failed in the past, it's time to face my fears, or I will never change.
What am I afraid of?
How ironic that that which I crave most, relationships (friends, boyfriend, etc.) are what I have been building up walls against, protecting myself from, and being downright scared of! I want attention and affection, but what would I do if I got what I've been dreaming of? Run scared! I've spent my whole life building a fortress around myself so that people can't get close. That way I don't have to accept any responsibility, and no one can prove me wrong.
So, let's face it:
What am I afraid of?
- Failure or success?
- That people won't like me, or that they will?
- That someone could never love me, or that they could?
- That I am worthless, or priceless?
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”Could their possibly be any truth to that? Have I been hiding behind my fear of inadequacy so that I don't have to deal with the fact that I am adequate, that I am powerful beyond measure, that I CAN do whatever I put my mind to? Have I truly come to a place where it is more comfortable to live in the lies, because if I faced the truth that means I would have no more excuses? I would no longer be able to cry and blame and push responsibility off onto other people.
How ironic that that which I crave most, relationships (friends, boyfriend, etc.) are what I have been building up walls against, protecting myself from, and being downright scared of! I want attention and affection, but what would I do if I got what I've been dreaming of? Run scared! I've spent my whole life building a fortress around myself so that people can't get close. That way I don't have to accept any responsibility, and no one can prove me wrong.
So, let's face it:
- I CAN make the changes that I want to make!
- It sucks that what happened happened, but I WILL take responsibility for my life from this point on.
- IT IS GOING TO BE HARD! The road is long and bumpy.
- I WILL fall down, but I WILL get back up again, every time!
- I Will allow people to know me and to see what a great person I am, and love me.
- Being fat does NOT define who I am as a person!
I pledge to myself that I will look my fears right in the face, and while they may intimidate me, they will not overpower me! I am stronger, smarter, more talented, and more beautiful than I have ever given myself credit for, but no longer will I berate myself. I am living a new life, a life free from former shackles and full of love and positivity!
Failure, you are done here! Inadequacy, you have no place in my life! Self pity and loathing, get out!
Life...look out!
Friday, January 20, 2012
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Monday, January 16, 2012
Enough is enough...
Crap!
There come times in life, in many different situations, when you realize enough is enough. I am currently experiencing several of those situations all at once.
Situation 1:
I have spent the majority of my life playing the victim.
It didn't start out that way, but I grew into it like a child grows into pair of shoes which are too big. My family has issues, what family doesn't? There are numerous addicts of various flavors and sizes, and in the case of mom and I food was the drug of choice. My parents both had hurtful things in their pasts and really did not know each other when they got married. My poor mom was pretty messed up emotionally at this time, and really wanted to be a good mom. I have to say I never thought of her as a bad mom, but I came along three years after my brother, he might have a different opinion.
Mom always thought of herself as fat (at the "suggestion" of someone close to her), even though she wore a size 10 or 12 in high school. By the time she was a mom, she was overweight and struggling. Looking back, I think she prepared pretty healthy meals for us, but perhaps just a little too much. To the point, I was a chubby kid, but I never outgrew it, I only outgrew my clothing. I can remember getting a new denim skirt in 4th or 5th grade which was a size 20...a woman's size 20. I was the fat kid. Always the last to finish the mile in gym class, often alone at recess, and things only got worse as I got older, eventually growing into depression and emotional eating. Middle school was an extremely dark time.
Habits which had been started when I was a kid continued into adulthood until finally in college I was sent to see an endocrinologist. Newly diagnosed with Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome and Insulin Resistance, for the first time in my life I quit asking why and started to get very angry. Why had God, this supposedly loving Father let this happen to me? Why had my doctor let this happen? Why had my parents let this happen? For years I cried out to God out of desperation that He would help me, make it all better, but things never seemed to change.
Slowly, I grew bitter and began to take comfort in my misery. This is the place where I have been living for the last, well, too many years. I turned away from God for awhile telling myself that He helps other people, but me...He won't help me. Broken hearted, yet again, and hating it, I now turned back to Him and said I don't want to trust You, everyone I trust lets me down. I yelled at Him, told Him that I hated him, then after calming down a little said that, even though I don't want to, I'll try to trust Him, and I'll try to listen for Him instead of ignoring Him when I know He is trying to speak to me. A little bit ago I was on facebook and there were some pictures posted, and I realized...God was speaking to me through facebook. Crap! The second I shut up He does the very thing I accuse Him of not doing...talks to me.
Situation 2:
SWF seeks BFF or Prince Charming...or anyone who will like her and pay attention to her....
Ok, I get a little obsessive when I meet people who seem like they like me and might want to be my friend. Awhile ago, a very bold thing for me, I went out on a limb and got in touch with someone who I thought I might like to get to know better. I actually did pretty well this time! (I was pretty proud of myself!) No obsessing! This is just one example, I could give you a whole list of names which I spent way too many hours thinking about whether it be a guy I liked, or a girl who I thought would be a friend.
What a twisted thing, to long for someone to love me, all the while telling myself I was, and consequently making myself someone who, no one could love (or was at least hard to love).
ENOUGH!
It is time to stop! It is time to quit snuggling down into my pile of blankets: misery, suffering, and self-loathing, and it is time to quit concentrating on the negative! It is time to face everyday with a positive attitude, time to start concentrating the MANY blessings that I do have. Yes, the past was crappy and maybe it's not my fault that I grew up overweight, but like it or not, it is my problem...strike that, it is my challenge now! Perhaps, just perhaps I need to look at this as an amazing opportunity! An opportunity to grow and to better myself. An opportunity that few have. After all, anything worth having is worth working for and waiting for. (Or so I try to keep telling myself.)
As Master Oogway tells Po "You are too concerned with what was and what will be. Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery and today is a gift. That's why it is called the present."
I am moving on. I am leaving the past behind me, dreaming about the future while enjoying the present. There is nothing I can't do if I am willing to do what needs to be done.
I WILL WASTE NO MORE TIME BEING A VICTIM!
And thank you to those very brave and kind souls who have loved me in spite of myself!
Images from facebook...
There come times in life, in many different situations, when you realize enough is enough. I am currently experiencing several of those situations all at once.
Situation 1:
I have spent the majority of my life playing the victim.
It didn't start out that way, but I grew into it like a child grows into pair of shoes which are too big. My family has issues, what family doesn't? There are numerous addicts of various flavors and sizes, and in the case of mom and I food was the drug of choice. My parents both had hurtful things in their pasts and really did not know each other when they got married. My poor mom was pretty messed up emotionally at this time, and really wanted to be a good mom. I have to say I never thought of her as a bad mom, but I came along three years after my brother, he might have a different opinion.
Mom always thought of herself as fat (at the "suggestion" of someone close to her), even though she wore a size 10 or 12 in high school. By the time she was a mom, she was overweight and struggling. Looking back, I think she prepared pretty healthy meals for us, but perhaps just a little too much. To the point, I was a chubby kid, but I never outgrew it, I only outgrew my clothing. I can remember getting a new denim skirt in 4th or 5th grade which was a size 20...a woman's size 20. I was the fat kid. Always the last to finish the mile in gym class, often alone at recess, and things only got worse as I got older, eventually growing into depression and emotional eating. Middle school was an extremely dark time.
Habits which had been started when I was a kid continued into adulthood until finally in college I was sent to see an endocrinologist. Newly diagnosed with Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome and Insulin Resistance, for the first time in my life I quit asking why and started to get very angry. Why had God, this supposedly loving Father let this happen to me? Why had my doctor let this happen? Why had my parents let this happen? For years I cried out to God out of desperation that He would help me, make it all better, but things never seemed to change.
Slowly, I grew bitter and began to take comfort in my misery. This is the place where I have been living for the last, well, too many years. I turned away from God for awhile telling myself that He helps other people, but me...He won't help me. Broken hearted, yet again, and hating it, I now turned back to Him and said I don't want to trust You, everyone I trust lets me down. I yelled at Him, told Him that I hated him, then after calming down a little said that, even though I don't want to, I'll try to trust Him, and I'll try to listen for Him instead of ignoring Him when I know He is trying to speak to me. A little bit ago I was on facebook and there were some pictures posted, and I realized...God was speaking to me through facebook. Crap! The second I shut up He does the very thing I accuse Him of not doing...talks to me.
Situation 2:
SWF seeks BFF or Prince Charming...or anyone who will like her and pay attention to her....
Ok, I get a little obsessive when I meet people who seem like they like me and might want to be my friend. Awhile ago, a very bold thing for me, I went out on a limb and got in touch with someone who I thought I might like to get to know better. I actually did pretty well this time! (I was pretty proud of myself!) No obsessing! This is just one example, I could give you a whole list of names which I spent way too many hours thinking about whether it be a guy I liked, or a girl who I thought would be a friend.
What a twisted thing, to long for someone to love me, all the while telling myself I was, and consequently making myself someone who, no one could love (or was at least hard to love).
ENOUGH!
It is time to stop! It is time to quit snuggling down into my pile of blankets: misery, suffering, and self-loathing, and it is time to quit concentrating on the negative! It is time to face everyday with a positive attitude, time to start concentrating the MANY blessings that I do have. Yes, the past was crappy and maybe it's not my fault that I grew up overweight, but like it or not, it is my problem...strike that, it is my challenge now! Perhaps, just perhaps I need to look at this as an amazing opportunity! An opportunity to grow and to better myself. An opportunity that few have. After all, anything worth having is worth working for and waiting for. (Or so I try to keep telling myself.)
As Master Oogway tells Po "You are too concerned with what was and what will be. Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery and today is a gift. That's why it is called the present."
I am moving on. I am leaving the past behind me, dreaming about the future while enjoying the present. There is nothing I can't do if I am willing to do what needs to be done.
I WILL WASTE NO MORE TIME BEING A VICTIM!
And thank you to those very brave and kind souls who have loved me in spite of myself!
Images from facebook...
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Mama tried.
As I sat in the chair in the dentist's office this morning watching the strange driving habits of the people at the clinic next door, good ol' Merle Haggard ran through my head. No, I did not turn 21 in prison doing life without parole, and the impending filling filled me with no fear or worry, though one could say it was the reason for the particular record playing in my mind's jukebox.
Unlike most of my family, I have no wisdom teeth. No, I do not mean that they were removed, I mean I do not have any, thy never developed. I've always gloated (just a tad) about this fact. Until recently that is. I went 25 years with good but not great brushing habits (I brush, just not religiously like some, and I'm not always a good flosser) and had perfect, healthy, pearly whites. Then, 5 fillings. They were inevitable, he told me. My teeth have such deep, em, ridges?, that it is very hard to get all the food particles out. Thus, preemptive, in a matter, fillings. Today's filling was no different, except it was in one of my front teeth (lateral incisor). No Novocaine, by the way. (Didn't feel a thing.)
Back to the point...
Recently, I had been giving my parents a hard time. I went to see the podiatrist to check up on the foot I mashed when I dumped a motorcycle last May and while there I asked why I had such a limited range of motion in my right ankle. He whipped out my x-ray and slapped it up against the light board...ok he pulled it up on the computer monitor, but he looked at it and informed me that not only do I have an accessory bone in my ankle (which only about 7% of people have), but that is was three times larger than most peoples'. So, that's why I can't wear heels. After finding this out I kidded my parents that they thought they'd done pretty good by not giving me wisdom teeth, but it all went to my ankle instead.
They said they "tried", which is where old Merle comes in.
Unlike most of my family, I have no wisdom teeth. No, I do not mean that they were removed, I mean I do not have any, thy never developed. I've always gloated (just a tad) about this fact. Until recently that is. I went 25 years with good but not great brushing habits (I brush, just not religiously like some, and I'm not always a good flosser) and had perfect, healthy, pearly whites. Then, 5 fillings. They were inevitable, he told me. My teeth have such deep, em, ridges?, that it is very hard to get all the food particles out. Thus, preemptive, in a matter, fillings. Today's filling was no different, except it was in one of my front teeth (lateral incisor). No Novocaine, by the way. (Didn't feel a thing.)
Back to the point...
Recently, I had been giving my parents a hard time. I went to see the podiatrist to check up on the foot I mashed when I dumped a motorcycle last May and while there I asked why I had such a limited range of motion in my right ankle. He whipped out my x-ray and slapped it up against the light board...ok he pulled it up on the computer monitor, but he looked at it and informed me that not only do I have an accessory bone in my ankle (which only about 7% of people have), but that is was three times larger than most peoples'. So, that's why I can't wear heels. After finding this out I kidded my parents that they thought they'd done pretty good by not giving me wisdom teeth, but it all went to my ankle instead.
They said they "tried", which is where old Merle comes in.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Made it through!
I really don't know why, but I was nervous about class today. First day of the semester, first class time for a class which is being offered for the first time. Nah! Nothing to be nervous about.
It was one of those days where the hopeless (I stress hopeless) romantic in me longed to have that really thoughtful man in my life send me flowers, calla lilies (my favorite), or a very thoughtful email to make me feel very special and like I could handle anything. Unfortunately, no such man exists...yet. I really would have settled for a note from anyone. "Good luck!" "Knock 'em dead!" "You'll do great!" But, I soldiered on. I grabbed my bag of books and notepad and walked briskly down the hall way. There was a slight traffic jam and I had to fight my way through the hall, but I broke through and strode into my classroom with a smile. "Everything is gonna be great, " I smiled to myself. I proceeded to the podium, logged into the slightly tired computer and we were off....
Things seemed to go pretty well. A small group (8), perfect for my first class, they appeared to be interested and not bored to death. I didn't know how much material to plan, but it came out just about perfectly, much to my surprise. I let them go, just a few minutes early, and cleared away my things from the podium. *sighs in relief*
Whew! I made it through. One class down!...only 30 left to go.
It was one of those days where the hopeless (I stress hopeless) romantic in me longed to have that really thoughtful man in my life send me flowers, calla lilies (my favorite), or a very thoughtful email to make me feel very special and like I could handle anything. Unfortunately, no such man exists...yet. I really would have settled for a note from anyone. "Good luck!" "Knock 'em dead!" "You'll do great!" But, I soldiered on. I grabbed my bag of books and notepad and walked briskly down the hall way. There was a slight traffic jam and I had to fight my way through the hall, but I broke through and strode into my classroom with a smile. "Everything is gonna be great, " I smiled to myself. I proceeded to the podium, logged into the slightly tired computer and we were off....
Things seemed to go pretty well. A small group (8), perfect for my first class, they appeared to be interested and not bored to death. I didn't know how much material to plan, but it came out just about perfectly, much to my surprise. I let them go, just a few minutes early, and cleared away my things from the podium. *sighs in relief*
Whew! I made it through. One class down!...only 30 left to go.
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Curveball
I've been excitedly awaiting my gastric sleeve surgery and this weekend was a three day weekend. I was planning to get so much done. Boy...
