Enjoying My Last Few Days

Well, here I am on day two of my last week of employment, sitting at home, enjoying my vacation. Last Friday I had a lovely farewell reception and was touched by all those who came to wish me well. I got lots of hugs, cards and well wishes. It was really nice, since I had been having dreams that no one would come.

I don't think it has really sunk in yet that I will be unemployed in two days. I'm in this state of flux and it is scary and exciting all at once.

I'm hopeful that I will hear something about a job soon, but in the meantime I will just keep working to organize and downsize so that I am ready for whatever is next.

via GIPHY

Letters From The Past?

A couple of years ago a friend told me about this site where you could write yourself an email and set a future date for it to be delivered. Apparently I tried it, because today I received this:

Dear Future Katie, 

Here it is, you're 35th birthday! I seriously hope that you have gotten some things worked out and that you are not the same sad, pathetic mess. 

Ok, seriously, I hope that you have been able to sort some things out. I hope that you are able to get over your self loathing and actually see yourself for who you really are. You are great! You are smart, I daresay even intelligent, caring, compassionate, funny, strong, and yes, you are attractive. I'm counting on you to have made the hard choices and lost weight and become a happier person. 

Hopefully, you have finished your MLIS/MALLT degrees. I hope you finished your story and that it was or is being published. Have you met Jeremy Renner yet?
You went through some pretty tough shit in 2012, I hope that 2013 was a year of changes for you. My wish for you is that you have grown more confident, become more organized and have found a few things which you really love to do and can do well. I also hope that you have found someone to love you and cherish you... someone worthy of you. 

Chin up! You can tackle anything! 

Keep being awesome!

This letter made me laugh, but it also gave me warm fuzzies. I was like "wow, I really think a lot of myself." And it also made me sad that I still have not "made the hard choices and lost weight" though at this time last year I was a good 50 pounds lighter.

So, today I wrote a letter to my forty year old self.

See you in the future, self!

Happy (Grand) Father's Day!

I am often saddened by the fact that I've never really had a grandfather. Oh, I have one living, but I don't think he's ever given two shakes about me. There was only ever one grandchild that he was interested in. My dad's dad--Robert--from what I hear, he would have been a great grandpa.

Unfortunately, I never knew him. OK, I knew him, but only as well as a toddler can know someone. He died when I was just short of turning three. My brother is three years older, and probably remembers more than I do, though we never talk about it.

I do have two memories of him. One is actually of his funeral--I didn't know what was going on and as we walked out behind the casket, I just kept following until my dad grabbed me. The other memory is really about him.

He retired from the factory and a few months later was diagnosed with cancer. I think it started as lung cancer and by the time they caught it it had spread everywhere, so by the time I could remember him, he was already very sick.

I remember the dining room at my grandparent's house plain as day. There was the dining room table in the middle (it was one of those 1940-50s models with the tubular metal legs and plastic seats, and fake plastic wood table) and two green chairs against the wall. There was a china hutch along the side wall. I remember that day that grandpa was sitting in the corner of the dining room in the 1970s green chair with a blanket over his lap. I probably knew the something was wrong, but I was incapable of understanding what.

My brother and I were crawling around on the floor in a circle around the table and every time we got to him, we would stop for him to pet us, because we were pretending to be little dogs. I remember him petting us on the head and saying "good dogs."

That's it.

That's all I have of my grandpa.

Sometimes I feel gypped. I feel cheated--why didn't I get to have a grandpa who would actually love me? That's life. There are way more whys than not.

Even so, I'm glad that I have my one lonely memory. And I'm glad he loved me while he could.

Lonely Memory

In your chair in the corner of the dining room
you sat,
a blanket on your lap.
I didn’t know what was wrong,
but I knew you were sick.
Your skin was so pale;
you sat very still.
Cancer.
Your eyes were dark and sunken,
still they watched me go ‘round
and ‘round;
your little dog.
Innocent child, on my hands and knees,
I stopped at your feet
each time I passed.
You patted my head,
“Good dog,” you said,
and I’d start all over again,
over and over again.
Metal table legs, dull brown carpet, and the legs of my family
were all I could see.

Grandfather and granddaughter—savor…
Once more around, for my treat.

It's Done! Well, Almost...

Well, I graduated!!!!

Except I didn't.

So, long story very short, I didn't get feedback on my translations until about 2 days before I needed to turn them in. So, I didn't have the time to fine-tune and correct my translations let alone to finish writing the 20 page report about my internship. After talking with my advisor, we filed for an exception that would allow for my final grades to be turned in 2 weeks late.

Normally you have to be enrolled in at least one credit the semester you graduate, so if I deferred graduation to August, I would have to pay like $600 to enroll in a credit even though all my work is already turned in.

We went ahead as if they had accepted my request, but I got word this past Wednesday that they denied my request. But, they did tell me that I wouldn't have to pay for any credits.

So, I have a chance to redo a paper by Monday, and then I will officially have everything turned in and be done with my degree requirements.

So, I may not officially graduate until August, but so what. I will finally be done!

Hallelujah!

Praise Jeebus!

My Brain Doesn't Know What To Do

Whoa.

Well, after the whirlwind of the last four years and all the chaos at work, with grad school, and now being laid off, my poor brain just doesn't know what to do.

Sunday was graduation (woohoo!!!) although I still have a few things to turn in to be done done. So I'm like yay I'm done, but I'm not quite really done. So there is some let down from graduation, and things are going pretty well with my new boss.

Until today.

No, no, don't misunderstand. My boss is great and I really like her. But she is coming in and cleaning house and I'm feeling sad because I have worked so hard to get the library to where it is, and that is all trash now. I understand, she wants to make a fresh start and have things her way. It's just that it again makes me feel like nothing I do matters or is important.

In my already vulnerable state I feel invisible again. I know people like me and appreciate me, but I see how other's have someone who notices things about their lives and will celebrate them, but I've not had that for a really long time.

No one notices my birthday, no one knows when something big happens in my life, I don't get cards, etc.

I guess it all comes back to the fact that I feel like I don't matter here. Maybe as she is throwing things out I am upset because I feel like it symbolizes me being thrown out.

But when it comes right down to it, no, I will never have the gratification  of hearing "I'm sorry we treated you like crap" and I will go on with my life. I will move on to greener pastures and everything will be OK.

It's alright to be sad.

But it's time to move on.

That's scary.

It's Raining Answers

For a lot of my life, OK, let's not lie, most of my life, I have felt like I never got any answers. This was one of my biggest struggles with my relationship with God. I prayed and prayed and prayed and did all the things I was supposed to (and did not do the things I was not supposed to), but my life had no direction, no purpose. The things that I wanted the most, there was no sign of them every coming. My life has been rough in a lot of ways, but there was never any sign of which direction I should go, if I was doing the right thing. Finally, I just started living and forging my own path.

I had been doing pretty well the last couple years. I was seeing a counselor and working on me, I was forming solid friendships, I was plowing through school and work, and I was fairly happy with where my life was at. I finally found my someone and we decided to get married...life was seeming OK.

Then I was told I was being laid off.

At first I told myself it's a good thing, which it is, but my heart is having a harder time reconciling with it than my head. On top of that communication with Alex has been, well, not great. He's been having a rough time and has been drinking a fair bit again, and I was just beginning to wonder if maybe it was time to give up on this dream.

But ever since that day when I got the news, at every turn I keep getting showered with signs.

My work BFF got a new job and a lot of my favorite peeps were leaving or retiring so there were no longer so many things to keep me there. Later that day I find out my counselor is leaving. No staying because of her. Pretty much every tie to here was broken!

So, I've been feeling down about things with Alex, especially since he was really drunk when I called last weekend, but I called today. We talked and he told me about this last bout of drinking. He said that he knew that he just can't start drinking, and he just kept hoping that he could quit on his own, but he now realized that he can't.

Then he told me that as soon as his mouth is healed (something happened during the drinking binge, I didn't understand what, but his mouth hurts) he is going to go to a treatment center in the capital city.

He's going for treatment.

He's going for treatment!!!!

Wham! Answer.

I can tell you that I am so excited!!! To think that since March 2015 we have gone from him putting some of the blame on me, to him admitting that he is an alcoholic and that he can't stop if he starts, to it is his fault and his alone, and now to recognizing he needs help.

For the first time in my life I feel like someone is fighting for me, fighting for us.

I feel so much more hopeful, and I feel that, even though I don't know where this path is headed, it is going in the right direction.

I guess I just had to wait twenty years for answers.

Emotions Running Up and Down

As time goes on I keep having more emotions about everything. When I was first told that my position was being eliminated I put on a brave face, but the more time that goes by, and the closer that day gets, the more I'm finding myself on an emotional roller coaster.

Because of the uncertainty that I'm facing in my life, I'm feeling uncertain about a lot of things. I've started having bad dreams about work, I have been seriously stressed out the last couple weeks with my comprehensive exams going on, communication has been problematic with Alex, and so on. My life has just been turned upside down and I am so confused.

On top of that, I've packed on about 15 pounds over the last couple weeks. I'm trying to decide if I should do the weight-loss surgery and am feeling really crappy about gaining weight again. Then with all the prom pics going around, and after watching a bunch of episodes of "Say Yes to the Dress," it's brought up a bunch of old feelings and insecurities. I never got to go prom dress shopping, and I don't think I'll get to do the whole wedding dress thing, either. And even if I did get to go, no one carries dresses in my size, anyway.

I feel like Alex and I are never going to actually make it to the same country, let alone actually get married. And now I find myself wondering if I'm headed in the right direction with him. I just want to be able to spend some time with him. I had planned on using the three weeks of vacation that I had saved up to go visit this summer, but that won't happen now. I really want to run away, and pull an "Eat, Pray, Love" for just a month or two so we can be together, but I just don't see how I can.

Everything is just up in the air and I am completely frazzled. Somedays I'm good, and others I just want to bawl.

I just keep telling myself that this too shall pass.

Sigh.