The TV Made Me Cry

How lame is that?

I'm catching up on a fave show today while mom is out, and BLAM! I was blindsided by the death of one of the characters.

I mean, the gal had been through a lot, they finally get married and a few months later...plop...the guy drops dead.

I mean what. the. fuck.

It may seems stupid, but it hit me like a ton of bricks. I guess it made me think about my current situation. I love Alex sooo much, but let's be honest--things have been rough--especially on me. My first trip and his drinking, my last trip and his drinking, subsequent drinking binges since then, never knowing if he is going to get mixed up with the wrong people and have the crap beaten out of him...

I guess the scariest thing for me when he goes on a bender is that I can't get ahold of him for days at a time, and I'm quite certain that one of these days I'm going to call and his mother is going to answer and tell me he's dead.

I think that's why the show hit me so hard. Thinking about the fact that we finally managed to get together, and my luck, after waiting 18 years, something bad will happen and he'll die. I just can't wait to have him here where I can keep an eye on him...know that he's okay.

I try not to think about the fact that we were finally ready to start the visa application a year ago when I found out I was losing my job. That really gets my anger juices going.

Well, at least the day ended well! Mom and I got to see a Ukrainian group DakhaBrakha and man, were they awesome!

Karpatsky rap

Color Me Irritated

So, a week ago Alex and I were texting back and forth and then he was silent for most of a day. When he finally texted back he was upset. Some situation had arisen and he needed money. As we talked, it seemed like perhaps he had been drinking a little. He had been doing really well, but I knew that as soon as trouble came up he'd turn to booze, sooner or later.

So we got the problem figured out and it was time for me to go to bed. This was at 2:3o Monday morning. Then I never heard anything from him all day.

I texted every few hours, but nothing. Also tried calling. Finally, at 11:30 that night he responded that he was okay but couldn't write me right now. Well, I know he's okay at least.

No response Tuesday.

No response Wednesday, so I finally called. He answered, sounded drunk sleepy, and said "I can't talk right now." I said fine and hung up.

Ever since I have been pretty pissed.

I mean, I expected he would spend a day or two drinking, but I guess I thought he'd at least fucking tell me he was okay.

Yeah, I've already thought about the possibility that he didn't need the money, he just needed to drink. So hard to be this far away from someone and not really know what is going on with them.

So, I decided that I was just not going to keep calling and texting and when he sobered up and wanted to communicate, he could initiate.

On the other hand though, I really want to bitch him out.

And I'm also really scared that someone has come after him, or he's drunk himself to death.

I guess I'll wait a few more days and see what happens.

Damn it.

Everything Is Leading...Not to Here

Wow, time flies.

I've been busy with work and just getting on with life. But for awhile I've been waiting with great anticipation for a position to be posted at work. It finally was and I applied.  I felt like I had a good chance, everyone was encouraging me, and I am qualified. I really felt like everything in my life--getting laid off, moving, getting my current job--everything was leading me here to this moment.

But it turns out I was wrong.

Mom and I both had interviews on the same day. When she didn't get her job, I kind of knew. Don't get me wrong, I am endlessly thankful for the job I have now, but I'm kind of bored. It's the same stuff I've been doing for 8 plus years, and actually I do less here than I did before. But at least I am valued and appreciated here. That's a huge step up from my last job.

While I maintain hope that the timing simply wasn't right, I am determined to continue doing my job with 110%.

The biggest bummer is that I currently don't make enough money to prove that I can support Alex, so I don't know how much longer his visa process will have to be delayed, and it is almost more than I can handle.

One day at a time...

Middlebury Magic

I've been doing a lot of thinking about how far I've come, especially in the last year and the ways that I've grown. Today I thought of a conversation I had with a few people when I was at Middlebury an how insecure I was at that point. I remember talking to these two people, thinking that they were cool people and must have tons of friends, and what was wrong with me?

Middlebury was a really magical place for me, and I never realized how many ways my time there helped me to grow until now. For the first time in my life I was surrounded by people who loved me and told me that I was smart, funny, beautiful inside and out. I made lasting friendships, some of which are still really big parts of my life. I met my best friend there, and I learned so much, not just about Russian.

Thanks to my good friends and members of the Russian folk group Zolotoj Plyos, I learned to sing. Well, I could already sing, but they taught me how to do it right and gave me the confidence to know that I was good enough. I got to fulfill a dream of acting, in one of the lead roles, during on of the choir concerts, and so much more.

I don't know if everyone feel this strongly about their time at the Midd language schools, but I will forever be grateful for the people there and the opportunity to experience life at Middlebury. I would not be the woman I am today without such a great experience!

Holy Piles of Shit, Batman!

Okay, so generally I don't talk much about work, but I just have to share about today.

We are on the first floor of a building, and there is a big lobby with stairs to the second floor. Well, someone came in about an hour or so after we opened and said that they had just slipped on a pile of shit in the lobby. Sure enough, there was poop on the floor. Someone had pooped their pants, left a pile, came in and spread poop all over the bathroom. Then they went over and sat down to use a computer.

Things never improved from there.

It may have been a shitty day, pun intended, but at least we were able to laugh about it. My theory is that since yesterday was Friday the 13th and it's been a near full moon, Friday the 13th must have be doubled and that's why today was so weird.

Well, I'm home now and relaxing. Wonder what tomorrow will bring.

via GIPHY

It's Been A Long Time Baby

I realized earlier today, well yesterday now, that the last time I saw Alex was one year ago today. Er, yesterday. Seriously, who wants to send me on a little vacay?

What an awful day it was coming home. I almost missed a couple flights, my plantar fasciitis was so bad I could hardly walk, and mom almost missed her flight coming home from Denver. All that on top of my heart being ripped out having to leave the love of my life.

You may have noticed that I've been a bit nostalgic as of late. The beginning of the year has proven to be challenging. Christmas and New Years both make me a bit sad, then January 7 is the anniversary of my leaving Belarus the first time, and January 8 marked the last time I saw Alex.

More than that though, I been thinking about where I was a year ago. A year ago I had no clue what 2016 would hold. I was certain that I would get Alex here, I was going to finish my degree and find my dream job. Instead, I got laid off and as a result I couldn't start the visa application for Alex because how can you prove you can support another person when you are on unemployment?

Well, 2016 was one of the hardest, crappiest years of my life, but I find myself in a much better place now. I'm in a city I love, I'm in a job I love, and am hopefully in a position to start the visa process.

I wouldn't want to relive 2016, but you know how it is--gold is refined only by fire and diamonds are only formed by tremendous pressure. It's the bad stuff that shapes us, and right now, I feel really good about where I am. (Except that I wish Alex was here.)

I wonder where 2017 will take me?

Are You Sure There Isn't A Full Moon?

Things have been a little weird so far this year. Yesterday was just weird. I was called in to work  and from the moment I got there, weird things were happening. Then it got really quiet. Like eerily quiet. Work was busy this morning, with bouts of crazy, and since I worked last night for someone, I'm wiped! The morning did go quickly though.

I'm on day three of my new lifestyle. Day one my goal was to track everything I ate. I did that, though I was fairly high on the carbs. Day two, I lowered my carbs and somehow ended up way below calories and eating a big snack when I got home. I lowered my carbs but was still fairly high for where I want to be. Today I have been doing well, though my tummy has been grumbling today as I have finally managed significantly cut my carbs, though I still need to get a little lower.

Alex and I have been talking a lot lately, but it's a little rough. We are both really down right now because it is so hard to be so far apart. Of course, throwing in the holidays just adds to the sadness. I keep remembering that a year ago I was with him. A year ago today we spent the most wonderful afternoon snuggled together on the couch watching movies. It was the first time we were really a couple, doing couply things.

He was unwell for a few days and now his sleep schedule is off. He sleeps all day and then wants to talk when it's time for me to go to sleep. One day we talked until late and then I said I have to sleep. He texted me through the night and then at 7:30 in the morning decided that he couldn't wait any longer and called to wake me up.

It's not that I'm not glad to talk to him, but I may not hear from him for a day, and then if I don't respond he starts calling me. It's gotten a little annoying because I have to work and I have to sleep regularly.

Weird.

I hope the weirdness that comes with the holidays will wear off soon.

We'll see.